Renovations and Repayments.
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I can seem no reason why you admire your father, that seems very cruel. Why would tolerate this kind of relationship except to punish yourself. Caring parents do not speak that way it's the polar opposite of how I feel, I don't want to be a burden to my children.
At the end of the day, your parents have NO control over you and your future, you choose to think they do
Maybe a compromise would be possible with you and your dw? If she shared control over the spending with you (not overspending herself) until you both felt like equal partners. When the time came to take on all your parents interests you could give her some reponsibilty for it? Ie. She gets just as much as a say in things as you?
In my unwanted opinion..........
Keep the business interests, you run them from a fabulous home by the sea in Cornwall.
Dw goes part time working locally - more time together with little k
Sell your parents home to pay for new large home with land for horses
Get yourselves a motor home and explore
Everybody happy, parents legacy still partly continuing
You have started a NEW adventure :T
Just my thoughts
:rotfl: Re. horses. My son would love your suggestions!A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »You managed to put a few things up for sale :T - more than me, didn't manage anything
Let someone else take the hassle, small price to pay to give you more time to do what you want and spend it with your family, another bonus is you wouldn't be on call 24/7. Maybe your parents would also realise just how much you have been doing for them in the past. Would give you more time to spend with your family, which in turn must give you some happiness.
Listen and think about what Newgirly has said. Think about it.
Few more things been cleared and gone up for sale over the past few days. Including a car we don't need anymore.
Thanks, AFK.Alex
The people posting here don't want to see you sitting alone in the big house. They don't want you to have to explain to your son why your marriage broke up at least partly because you put your parents' wishes first, breaking up his stable family home. Is a house really worth your marriage and your son's stability?
You talk of obligations; this seems less noblesse oblige and more FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
You had a lovely holiday until you let your parents intrude into it. You need to think what would be in the best interests of your family as a whole. Was your childhood in the big house so idyllic when your Dad draws a comparison between having a child and having a dog?
Please think about what makes you truly happy and protect that.
Thanks, LadyGnome. 2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
Things aren't great, to be honest. I've not fallen out with my wife but have with my father. It seems he didn't respect my wishes about how my wife and I wished to discipline our son. Now my mother is constantly calling and trying to get me to apologise to father. :rotfl: :mad: Father has told me I can forget being paid to look after their interests and will "be glad to" take on the responsibility for no reward unless I apologise and accept I am wrong. Nothing like working for family, eh? :rotfl:
My son has been very upset and I've not been very well over the past few days as a consequence of this happening. Though above all I don't want my son's lasting memory of his grandfather to be this one.
Anyhow, finances wise things have been good (apart from the downturn in income). We've not been spending a great deal and made a £100 overpayment today.
Why should you apologise to your father ? You've made it clear your wishes (and now the law) on discipline. Regardless whether they agree or not they should respect your views. Your dad is being a nasty bully.
This could be a blessing in disguise to cut the strings.Sealed pot challenge 822
Jan - £176.66 :j0 -
Just to throw in my two penn'orth:
Alex, it seems you admire your father (and mother) because they worked hard and made a shedload of money.
That's not so dreadful in itself but the effect it's had on your own self esteem and way of looking at the world has been disastrous. While I can make some allowances for your father because of his age, ill health and generation, constantly rubbing in his expectations and reminding you of obligations is unkind and not helping you at all. You do stand up to him occasionally (such as going to Cornwall) but generally you're still of the same mindset.
Although you and MrsK are doing really well for yourselves by most people's standards it's never good enough for you measured against what you could provide if you were as wealthy as your parents. Although over the last couple of years you have come to appreciate other things as important (like the love and happiness of LittleK) you're still wedded to the idea that unless he has the big house and private education that you can't afford to provide you've failed him in some way.
MrsK knows that you're perfectly able to live a comfortable, independent life in your own home on what you earn between you. You, on the other hand, seem determined to 'jump the gun' and move into your parents home ASAP to free you from all financial worries (and 'pay back' your parents for digging you out of a hole some years back) rather than deal with the inheritance somewhere further down the line. What does MrsK think about inheriting at the 'normal' time?
I do admire my parents for that reason, maman. I have failed my son; I think most parents would like to think they will be able to at least provide the same upbringing they enjoyed or better. I haven't managed this. Beyond money, I can't even teach him how to become a well rounded, resilient individual.Goldiegirl wrote: »That is a terribly cruel thing for your father to say. Yet you still appear to be intending to fulfil their expectations of you, in spite of the way they regard you.
I think you regard money as a control thing - your parents have the money so they control you. Not surprisingly this has affected your way of thinking. You say your wife has decided that money is not a shared commodity in your marriage. In another post you implied that when you have the inheritance 'your wife won't be able to call all the shots'. It doesn't sound healthy - there's more than a whiff of you having the money will put you in the driving seat.
A healthy attitude would be that all themoney belongs to both of you, including the inheritance when it happens, and you jointly decide the future - but clearly this will never happen if you cling to the belief that you have to fulfil your destiny that your parents have ordained for you.
This dynasty that your parents have decided they want to found is incredibly vain and narcissistic. It's a crying shame that they expect you to sacrifice your happiness on the altar of their vanity...... and an even bigger shame that you feel you have no alternative except to make this sacrifice, at the expense of your wife and child.
You could have a wonderful life..... but you are apparently hell bent on this destructive course. You've had many people, from your wife to all the people who've posted on your thread, all different ages and backgrounds, trying to give advice and make suggestions. Yet the only point of view you take notice of is your parents. But after a lifetime of it, I suppose it's not surprising really. They really have achieved their aims!
I'm sad for you, Alex
I used to share everything with my wife, even before we married and at the time my income was greater, something I didn't hold against her. Things only changed a few years ago when she decided to split our finances. Now whilst everything is "shared" again, I try not to spend any of the money my wife earns because it's quite clear that is really her money. The place I live isn't home because without my wife, I would not be able to take it on myself. Without anyone else, I couldn't even provide a home for my son. Therefore, money has become a "control thing".A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »Saw today - car window sign
Be Kind to your Kids
They choose your Nursing Home
Appeals to my SOH :rotfl:
:rotfl: I've heard that one before. Said it to a pupil who has a lot of troubles at home.2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
ourcornercottage wrote: »Reading all this makes me so sad
Money buys nothing but freedom. Be mindful of this.
End of the day it's your choice, not ours, not your parents, yours.
I'm all too aware I have no money of my own equaling no freedom!Have just had long catch up. Alex some of this is so sad. You have so much ahead of you, including the possibility of financial freedom, but also so much unhappiness.
I guess money really doesn't buy happiness. You seem so tied in to the future your parents mapped out.
And yet this thread has so much care and concern for you, so many people are posting giving ideas and different points of view that it really is heartwarming to see a community caring.
So hope you see that and can hear the options. Ultimately if your parents love you, if they see you when you cross to the other side they might just admire your choice to sell up totally and take Mrs K to live in a beach hut in sunny tropical lands - or - whatever you decide - or whatever choice you do make. Maybe they will have fun watching you when the 'cross over' and say "well I never thought he would do that - but -it worked for him"
I doubt my parents will ever change their minds, Watty. I know them well enough to be aware they wouldn't be happy for me, they'd be upset and angry I'd not carried out their wishes.2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
dawnybabes wrote: »Why should you apologise to your father ? You've made it clear your wishes (and now the law) on discipline. Regardless whether they agree or not they should respect your views. Your dad is being a nasty bully.
This could be a blessing in disguise to cut the strings.
:rotfl: Father believes I have disrespected him, mother also wants me to further apologise for upset I have caused. My parents have always had a them against the world attitude.2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
Alex, might it be time to get a job, any job?0
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I do admire my parents for that reason, maman. I have failed my son; I think most parents would like to think they will be able to at least provide the same upbringing they enjoyed or better. I haven't managed this. Beyond money, I can't even teach him how to become a well rounded, resilient individual.
Alex, I do think you focus too much on the material aspects of your childhood and your inability to give your son the same. The main things children want (assuming their basic needs are met) are your time and interest in them. I bet that you spend a lot more time with your son and do a lot more with him than your parents did with you. He will remember that and he will have the solid foundation of knowing how much you care. My children are older and there is more peer pressure over material possessions but the things they compete for most is our time and attention.
Did your parents teach you to be a well rounded, resilient individual?
Well done on the OP.MortgageStart Nov 2012 £310,000
Oct 2022 £143,277.74
Reduction £166,722.26
OriginalEnd Sept 2034 / Current official end Apr 2032 (but I have a cunning plan...)
2022 MFW #78 £10200/£12000
MFiT-6 #28 £21,772 /£750000 -
My son has been very upset and I've not been very well over the past few days as a consequence of this happening. Though above all I don't want my son's lasting memory of his grandfather to be this one.
You have no control on how your son views your parents or anyone else for that matter. More importantly I would be more concerned about your son's take on how YOU handle the situation.
Only you know how serious the incident was, but it sounds like your ds needs an apology from his grandad and I have to say I would not be leaving my children with a person like that alone again, especially as he has not even acknowledged he has done something wrong.
Glad you are ok with the wife though, it's a stressful situation and she must be livid!
Ps. Well done on the op 2022 MFW 67 - 33 month challenge to clear mortgage, month 17 completed and and extra 2 knocked off 🙂MFI3 No.120 -
Alex - money and possessions are not the be all and end all of life. It is perfectly possible to have a happy childhood with very little money in the bank.
My parents had very little money when I was small, my dad had been in a well paid job but due to an accident at work, he ended up in hospital for almost a year, no pay, a very large overdraft and a very young family at home. It took 3 years for the compensation to be sorted out and by god life was hard for my parents, did me and my brother know this? Not on your nelly.
Mum made making our own bread into an adventure, same with going to the woods to pick blackberries for the jam to have on that bread. We had an open fire instead of the new modern central heating or even a gas fire, so toasting home made crumpets by candle light (to save on electricity - not that we knew that) and all camping in the front room on the coldest nights so that we kept warm...a huge lot of fun and adventure for us children.
My only bad experience was jumble sales, the woman with their cheap perfume, the pushing and shoving and that has stayed with me to adulthood as panic attacks plague me in busy places, particularly areas where lots of perfume is being worn.
We didn't have the things my friends had and although there were a few pangs of jealousy at times, it made me more determined to get out there and earn my own money to get them myself. It made me resilient, it made me more rounded, it helped me to understand even if at times, it seemed a little unfair and it also helped me to think outside the box, to find a way around the barriers.
Discipline - that is down to you and your wife and if you have decided on a way of parenthood together, then that is what you should stick to. If you now listen to your parents and do what they want rather than what you and your wife have agreed upon, it will cause confusion to your son and that road leads to even more problems.
My parents didn't initially agree with my form of parenting but I held fast and they were the first to agree it was working much better than the confused form me and now ex hubby had (they had preferred a watered down version of my ex husband's way). Ex hubby and ex mother in law were harder to convince, their idea was that a smack didn't do any harm and my namby pamby way (their words), was not going to make them respect me or anyone else and that they would run wild. It was only when the boys attended his wedding to his second wife that he decided to try my way (I had been the ultimate geek and sent a procedures manual up with them
) and to his amazement, he discovered my proactive parenting worked an absolute dream compared to reactive parenting.
Well done on the over payment!We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
smallholdingsister wrote: »Alex, might it be time to get a job, any job?
Not sure what job would fit around the commitments and obligations I have to music pupils and schools, rental properties, studying and my son, to be honest. Often I like the idea of having a second go at building a career but have no idea what I could do. Due to life turning out as it has my CV is a disaster.Alex, I do think you focus too much on the material aspects of your childhood and your inability to give your son the same. The main things children want (assuming their basic needs are met) are your time and interest in them. I bet that you spend a lot more time with your son and do a lot more with him than your parents did with you. He will remember that and he will have the solid foundation of knowing how much you care. My children are older and there is more peer pressure over material possessions but the things they compete for most is our time and attention.
Did your parents teach you to be a well rounded, resilient individual?
Well done on the OP.
Thanks. No OPs made today but have managed to have a low spend day.
I spend a lot of time with my son and have been "the parent" since he was born. My childhood memories of my parents generally aren't positive ones and they never had any time for me; I didn't and still don't want to parent in the same way though.
No, my parents didn't teach me to be a well rounded, resilient individual. However, my traits are not something I wish to pass on.My son has been very upset and I've not been very well over the past few days as a consequence of this happening. Though above all I don't want my son's lasting memory of his grandfather to be this one.
You have no control on how your son views your parents or anyone else for that matter. More importantly I would be more concerned about your son's take on how YOU handle the situation.
Only you know how serious the incident was, but it sounds like your ds needs an apology from his grandad and I have to say I would not be leaving my children with a person like that alone again, especially as he has not even acknowledged he has done something wrong.
Glad you are ok with the wife though, it's a stressful situation and she must be livid!
Ps. Well done on the op
NG, thanks re. the OP.
I'm not trying to control my son's views of my parents or anyone else. I merely hope he won't put the negative memories of his grandfather over the positive as for all his faults I know my father usually treasures the time he spends with his grandson. I am struggling to keep things together, am not sleeping and haven't been well. Have tried to pretend I'm more together than I am though.
The incident wasn't particularly serious. It's the fact my father has again completely disregarded the wishes of my wife and I. As much as I'd wish my father would apologise, he won't. My mother has called five times today demanding I apologise. :mad: Wife did answer the 'phone this evening and told mother that her grandson will be visiting his other grandparents for Father's Day. :rotfl:2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000
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