Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 2..

Chandelier. · 1 March 2018 at 12:38PM

Where am I up to?

Well I finished the month with a surplus of £114.46 which I'm happy with. I've put it straight into my savings account. This is after all other extra spends I've accrued over the month such as annual passes, beauty treatments, buying new makeup, buying the boy and I some new trainers and myself some gym gear and also the cost of joining the new gym. That's where some of my spends have come from.

So it's the 1st of the month and yet another fresh start. All this months income is organised into the correct pots and yet again I have a healthy surplus left over which I'm going to try to rein the extra spends in and save as much as possible.

The direct debit for my credit card came straight out this morning so at least I know it works

. I'm using this to put all my spends on that I'd usually end up putting on my debit card i.e. petrol and setting aside the money each month ready for when payment is due. This seems to be working for me. The idea is to build up a stable credit history and the bonus is I'll receive a £50 giftcard if I spend so much on it within three months. I'm well on my way there.

I'm following my budget from last month and I'm going to use this months to see if I can make any extra savings along the way. For example, I have a set amount set aside for entertainment but it doesn't mean I'll have to use all of it. I'm going to try and make things as cost effective as possible.

That's pretty much it money wise for now. Its all systems go. At least I'm organised in one area of my life.

Chandelier. · 1 March 2018 at 12:54PM

The other positions in life I find myself in..

I finally cracked on Monday and phoned my care team and told them that I need more support and that they've been letting me down and I'm reaching crisis point. After much debating and pushing, the team leader finally agreed to refer me to the crisis team but basically told me not to hold my breath and he was sure they would say I need to be managed by current care team.

Well we had a joint assessment yesterday with someone from the crisis team, my care coordinator (who finally returned to work) and my mum. Everything came out into the open and I expressed my concerns and explained how much I'd deteriorated and that I can't go on like this anymore. The nurse from the crisis team stated that before he even saw me, he knew that I needed to be under their care team and he was quite concerned/angry as why this hadn't been done sooner.

So the result of yesterday is I'm finally under the crisis team where I will receive daily/regular visits. They've already arranged for an urgent psychiatrist appointment for tomorrow which I'll have to leave work for but hopefully it will be okay. We've spoke about other things I can access such as psychotherapy and appointments with a psychologist. This is all short term but hopefully with the intense intervention I'll get myself back onto a level footing.

I've been to the gym three times so far this week and I'm pushing myself physically and have a training programme I am sticking too. I'm also going to start looking at my diet and try to implement regular meal times rather then snacking and choosing healthier choices. I need to cut back on the junk.

The boy is okay and doing wonderful at school and in his ice skating. We have just turned one of our spare rooms into a play room for him which he absolutely loves and we have stored all his lego in there so he has somewhere to play. He's been saving his pocket money each week and hasn't spent any as of yet. I'm guessing he's going to let it build up and will probably buy himself some lego and put the rest into his bank.

And things with manfriend seem to have come to an end. He couldn't keep up or handle my shift in mood and mood swings. I'm the first to admit I took it out on him and he bore the brunt of it which wasn't fair. I'm honestly gutted as my feelings became much stronger and I love him but ultimately it's not fair on him. I need to stand on my own two feet and concentrate on myself. He's a good person, wonderful infact and I'll miss him greatly. If things are meant to be then they'll find a way back.

My mindset is focused on improving myself and getting myself to a better place. I want to get the old me back, the one who was happy and carefree before Christmas. The one that everybody loved. That's what I'm working towards and it's my priority at the moment.

Chandelier. · 2 March 2018 at 8:40AM

So yesterday ended up taking a bit of a turn for worse. Everything that's been building up inside of me, finally came out. I broke down and must of spent at least two hours crying and sobbing my heart out, I really exhausted myself and the emotional pain felt physical. I wasn't in a fit state of mind and had all sorts of thoughts going through my head. So in an attempt to keep myself safe, I took quite a bit of diazepam to knock me out which it did.

Someone from the crisis team came to visit me and was concerned with what had happened earlier on in the day and tried to get me to go to our local A&E to get checked over. However I refused to because I know exactly what process they follow. The idea is to keep me out of hospital and prevent an admission.

The only thing I was trying to do in the end was keep myself safe. I knew exactly what I was taking and that the dosages weren't damaging- a cause for concern maybe yes, but I knew I was fine in myself by this point.

Life just seems blue at the moment and I'm really struggling. I'm trying to keep it all together but it's taking it's toll.

I refuse to take time off work as thats one of the only consistencies in my life and it keeps me well and gives me purpose. Those around me there will support me through anything and I'm grateful for that. I love the team I'm in. I'm not going to be completely honest about the true extent of things because I've been working towards gaining a permanent contract and that's one of my main focuses/aims.

Sometimes I just need somebody to talk to and a different perspective on things. I need to find an outlet for that somewhere. I may look into private counselling although that seems really expensive but if its what I need then I'll have to do it.

I'm working the next two days so I'll most likely have no spends. I still have a lot of things to sort and organise, especially for my mums birthday but I'll get it done sooner or later.

jvr · 2 March 2018 at 10:23AM

Hi

First off I'm so glad the crisis team is stepping in now, it really sounds like you need the support and it's really good that you recognised this and pushed for it.
I'm sorry about man friend that is really difficult to deal with while going through so much with your mental health. I am really pro getting private counselling, I did a few years ago and I think its what kept me from hitting rock bottom. If you can afford it I would look at it, just remember to find the right person and if after a session they don't seem right, keep looking as it makes all the difference. My sister also did it and now see's the woman once a month instead of weekly so that she has someone and can always increase it during more difficult times.
I don't know if its any help but always feel free to pm me or I can send contact details, if you think it might help to have someone totally removed from your life I'm always here.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things during a difficult time and I'm certain you will come out the other side soon. Good times don't last forever but neither do bad times so I hope you manage to get up for some air sooner rather than later.

System · 2 March 2018 at 12:32PM

Hi Chandelier - sorry I have been away for a while. I just wanted to say well done you for pushing for the support that you need. In your posts you come across as so determined and well organised and a debt buster to be proud of, as well as a fantastic mum - that's what I read anyway.
Hope you get some good support. XXX

louby40 · 3 March 2018 at 8:46AM

Hope you're feeling slightly better today Chandelier - bigs hugs to you

Chandelier. · 3 March 2018 at 2:32PM

So yesterday I had a consultant review and it didn't go how I wanted it to but I need to give it time. My medication regime has been slightly changed which threw me and an antidepressent has been added, whilst reducing one of the other meds. In my mindset I'm just wanting a quick fix for now but I know its not as easy as that. I just need to keep persevering.

I struggled at work yesterday and was a lot quieter then usual, people seemed to have noticed but I just kept my head down.

I'm at work again today and I'm just about coping with the support of others. I'm due a visit from a support worker today, when that is I don't know. It will be interesting to hear what they have to say.

All in all I just need to crack on and do what I'm doing.

I saw manfriend last night briefly. It hurt me to see him but he picked me up from work which was nice of him and we had a quick coffee. When he hugged me I didn't want him to let go. I'm truly finding it heartbreaking the situation we find ourselves in. I just want things to go back to normal. Its another drive to get myself better. I want to prove to him that the old me he got to know before I got poorly is still there. It's in there somewhere and I'm sure he is hurting too. I can't add extra stress to his life though.

So that's pretty much it. I need to put fuel in my car after work later as I'm running low. The red light was flashing this morning so I just winged it.

As you do.

Chandelier. · 4 March 2018 at 2:30PM

Afternoon,

I survived work yesterday! Although I was exhausted afterwards. I literally went straight to bed as soon as I got home as I knew I had to be up early to take the boy ice skating today.

So this morning I spent a good three hours at the ice rink freezing my socks off whilst the boy did his lessons. He's coming on so well and is enjoying it. Whilst there I had a catch up with one of the other mums who I've become quite close to. We used to go to the same school but never spoke to each other as we were in different classes. It's weird how now we get on really well. The boy is close to her daughter and they've just started to skate together in pairs. We both said to one another we'll meet up outside of skating and go for lunch or go for walks in the countryside. She's becoming a friend to me and we talk about all sorts and know a lot about each other. She can relate to many things so that's good.

I'm sat waiting in for a visit from the care team. I'm awaiting a phone call to state a rough time they'll be visiting so hopefully I can crack on with the rest of my day. I'm wanting to go to the gym at some point if possible.

My mums gone food shopping so I've asked her to pick up some healthier food options. I'm going to keep a close eye on my diet from now on and attempt to eat at least two main meals a day, if not three and cut down on the snacking. At this current moment in time I'm not in any routine food wise and its something I need to concentrate on. Hopefully I'll see results from this combined with the gym. It's another step close to me recovering from this bad spell I'm going through.

I'm determined and that's all that matters. I know that I can come out of this. I have done before and I will again. I'm 100% sure of it.

I want to start rebuilding and working on my relationships with those around me and who are closest to me. I need to be more open, honest and communicate clearly what I'm feeling. I hope in time that manfriend comes back into my life as he did. I need to give it time.

I need to build back up my emotional dependence, self esteem and confidence but in the right ways.

Chandelier. · 4 March 2018 at 2:35PM

Just another note, I've sent an email enquiry off to a private counsellor/therapist regarding prices and will be exploring this option alongside support from my care team. I've also accessed CBT through occupational health at work which my first appointment is this Wednesday coming up. I'm taking all the help I can get. I'll get back to the old me sooner or later, the person who others loved and enjoyed being around.

Chandelier. · 4 March 2018 at 2:40PM

I also filled the car up with petrol yesterday so £25 spent there. I'm going to knuckle down on non essential journeys and start to walk more to places that are easily accessible. I'm also about to read up and remind myself about driving more economical and ways to save on fuel. Every little helps. Although I don't always have huge petrol expenditure driving allows me the independence I need and opens up more possibilities for me to explore what's around which hopefully I'll be able to do this year. I'm still planning adventures for me and the boy, of which I'll update here.

Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 2..

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