My child is a thief

foolofbeans · 25 August 2017 at 9:21PM

The title says it all really

My child was a thief at a young age and always seemed to think it was ok to help themselves to their siblings things or our things.
Child has always struggled with understanding consequences but I don't think that should excuse their behaviour.
I have just discovered £40 missing from my bag and am 95% sure they took it. I don't have any proof though and this is always one of the problems - I have accused them of stealing before and found out later that I had got it wrong but I suppose when somebody is known to be a thief they will always be the one that is looked at if anything goes missing.
I'm so upset. We've had so many rants or we've tried to be understanding and nothing works.
They are 17 now and tbh I just want them out of my house. I hate the thought of having to wonder where my things are or sometimes I think I must have spent more than I thought as I can't account for the amount of money that has gone missing.
Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody gone through this and come out the other side? Child has obviously not learnt anything and still has a total lack of respect for us and our belongings

barbarawright · 25 August 2017 at 9:29PM

Does he have any money of his own? Or her own? Has he been encouraged to get a part time job? Perhaps hold back on the accusations unless you are sure... When I was a child I took money because I wasn't given any fixed pocket money and it seemed easier to take than explain everytime I wanted anything. I assumed (I suspect wrongly) that my parents wouldn't know how much they had in their wallets. I grew out of it once I had my own cash

IAmWales · 25 August 2017 at 9:38PM

You got it wrong before, is something different this time that makes you certain?

I'm not sure what the answer is, it should be something CAMHS can help with but the chances of him getting a referral at the moment are about zero, they can only take on the most severe cases. A private therapist perhaps?

foolofbeans · 25 August 2017 at 9:41PM

barbarawright wrote: »

Does he have any money of his own? Or her own? Has he been encouraged to get a part time job? Perhaps hold back on the accusations unless you are sure... When I was a child I took money because I wasn't given any fixed pocket money and it seemed easier to take than explain everytime I wanted anything. I assumed (I suspect wrongly) that my parents wouldn't know how much they had in their wallets. I grew out of it once I had my own cash

They have money of their own. I pay them for babysitting the younger siblings and it is a good amount for a teenager. I have tried encouraging them to get a job as they are easy to find around here but they have no inclination to get one.

foolofbeans · 25 August 2017 at 9:43PM

IAmWales wrote: »

You got it wrong before, is something different this time that makes you certain?
I'm not sure what the answer is, it should be something CAMHS can help with but the chances of him getting a referral at the moment are about zero, they can only take on the most severe cases. A private therapist perhaps?

I took cash from the cash machine after work, put it in a zipped compartment in my bag and came straight home apart from stopping to put diesel in the car which I paid for by card. There is a slim chance it could have gone elsewhere but that chance is VERY slim.
Child has undiagnosed ADHD I believe and I never pushed for a diagnosis as that doesn't solve the issue, just gives it a name.

pinkshoes · 25 August 2017 at 9:48PM

Serve beans on toast for dinner for 5 nights in a row and say that as someone took £40 from your purse, there is now no money to pay for the weekly food shop...

I would be tempted to install a spy camera in the house and set him up, then threaten to call the police if he is caught on camera.

Zeni · 25 August 2017 at 10:24PM

pinkshoes wrote: »

Serve beans on toast for dinner for 5 nights in a row and say that as someone took £40 from your purse, there is now no money to pay for the weekly food shop...
.

Nice, or maybe tell him that you cannot afford to pay him his babysitting money as someone has taken money from your purse and you cant afford it.

jinty271 · 25 August 2017 at 10:25PM

You wouldn't trust them with your handbag because they have stolen in the past but you trust them with looking after their siblings. You portray a negative view of them because they don't have secular work - but how many hours are they required to watch your younger kids.

They have stolen before so you assume they are guilty ( to the point of creating a forum post calling them a thief) even though you have wrongly accused them previously - what actually happened to the missing money that time? Could that have happened again?

You say you believe they have un-diagnosed difficulties but you don't see the point / benefit of adding a label - is that your choice to make. Are they missing out on support they need due to their condition to allow things to get to the point where you want them out your house ? Is babysitting something they really are able /want to do?

An awful lot here doesn't add up.

foolofbeans · 25 August 2017 at 11:46PM

jinty271 wrote: »

You wouldn't trust them with your handbag because they have stolen in the past but you trust them with looking after their siblings. You portray a negative view of them because they don't have secular work - but how many hours are they required to watch your younger kids.
A thief can still be a caring human being - stealing and cruelty to people are very different traits. So yes, they look after their siblings. No, they didn't have to do it but as they couldn't be bothered to look for a job we discussed the option of them looking after siblings in return for payment and it was agreed.
They have stolen before so you assume they are guilty ( to the point of creating a forum post calling them a thief) even though you have wrongly accused them previously - what actually happened to the missing money that time? Could that have happened again?
As stated in PP the chances are VERY SLIM that the money had been displaced any other way
You say you believe they have un-diagnosed difficulties but you don't see the point / benefit of adding a label - is that your choice to make. Are they missing out on support they need due to their condition to allow things to get to the point where you want them out your house ? Is babysitting something they really are able /want to do?
I think (and teachers have previously said) that my child has ADHD.
That doesn't stop them being kind, generous, smart and funny. I didn't pursue a formal diagnosis as it's extremely difficult to get CAMHS to get involved and the bahaviour will stay the same.
An awful lot here doesn't add up.

Only if you stick a label on a person and assume that is all that they are.

sevenhills · 26 August 2017 at 12:23AM

foolofbeans wrote: »

Child has always struggled with understanding consequences but I don't think that should excuse their behaviour.

I have never been in your situation; but I dont believe £40 should have been open for him/her to steal, not when it has happened before.
I have a contactless debit card(that I rarely use), cards are almost as good as cash these days.

Write off this £40 and tighten your 'security'.

FBaby · 26 August 2017 at 7:07AM

As above. No point of accusing unless absolutely certain. Just make sure you don't leave cash available.

Some kids steal because they like the idea of taking things away from others. They don't care much about what they take. Others still because they are frustrated with not having material things that make them feel better or buying things to others to be liked. It's all about their self esteem.

You need to help them get a job. Are they at college? Sometimes they need that first push to booster their confidence.

My child is a thief

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