Supporting a grieving parent

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  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,631
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    Whilst my mother was older & socially very active, she did seem to find it helpful to know that someone would turn up at a named time on a named day who would be "emotionally" supportive.
  • JWPopps
    JWPopps Posts: 341 Forumite
    Thank you everyone.

    SevenOfNine - you're completely right. I've had 'delicate' conversations with a couple of people who are my family and my dad's family but not my stepmum's family who want to be their for Dad but won't necessarily be welcome by my stepfamily. Luckily everyone seems to be being diplomatic - I wasn't sure they would be.

    I did get a little bit upset when my stepsister's husband said I shouldn't travel in the car with my dad to the funeral as it should only be my dad and stepmum's children. I didn't say anything though, I'll do whatever they suggest as I don't want to make any of it more difficult for anyone - I'm just worried my dad would have wanted me with them in case he's upset (he will be) and none of them will feel comfortable giving him a hug. Still, I can meet them at the service.

    I think we've more or less sorted the financial situation for the time being. Dad is going back to work in a couple of weeks - I think he's of the same mind that he needs to keep on a financially eve keel for a while.
    Mortgage: £83,000
    Credit Card Debt: £1,700
    Loan Debt: £3,000


  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,551
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    JWPopps wrote: »
    I did get a little bit upset when my stepsister's husband said I shouldn't travel in the car with my dad to the funeral as it should only be my dad and stepmum's children.

    I didn't say anything though, I'll do whatever they suggest as I don't want to make any of it more difficult for anyone - I'm just worried my dad would have wanted me with them in case he's upset (he will be) and none of them will feel comfortable giving him a hug.

    I think it should be your Dad's decision, not a stepsister's husband's.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 45,938
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    I think it should be your Dad's decision, not a stepsister's husband's.
    Absolutely. Ask him what HE'D like and if anyone comments say that you were doing it at HIS request, not to upset them.
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • Yorkshireman99
    Yorkshireman99 Posts: 5,470 Forumite
    Savvy_Sue wrote: »
    Absolutely. Ask him what HE'D like and if anyone comments say that you were doing it at HIS request, not to upset them.


    Very well said!
  • SevenOfNine
    SevenOfNine Posts: 2,355
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    I think it should be your Dad's decision, not a stepsister's husband's.

    Agree with that totally.

    There's consulting with family, being sensitive, diplomatic & ensuring they are completely included - then there's this 'stepsisters husband'! No, he can butt out.

    If your dad says he'd like you in the vehicle with him, than tell the daughter of step mum (this moron's partner) that you understand their wishes but you must be there for your dad if that is what he needs. Don't go through this man, kindly & compassionately go directly to the daughter (or one of the other children, no intermediaries).

    Frankly, if they don't want you in the family car with them but your dad does, then they can book one just for themselves.

    You know what's coming next don't you.......where this 'stepsisters husband' thinks you should sit in the crem/church! Again, be prepared & ask your dad. Including stepmum's children doesn't mean they get to dictate things to the detriment of your dad's wellbeing on the day.

    I hope it goes as well as it can, it always strikes me as odd how families behave at tragic times, seems impossible just to play nice if only for a few hours. :cry::cry:
    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • JWPopps
    JWPopps Posts: 341 Forumite
    Hello everyone, thank you very much.

    In the end I got a taxi to the crematorium by myself on the morning, and I spent most of the day sitting by myself because there wasn't enough space for me to sit on the front row with my dad, and then afterwards obviously he had lots of people around him.

    I sort of took charge of the condolences book and took it around all the other guests, which I think was useful because people can be unsure what to put!

    It is sensitive, it was always going to be - I left home at 16 because I didn't always get on with my stepmum and didn't want to cause friction between her and my dad, so I don't blame her children for not knowing how/if to include me in things. I'm just really relieved they've been good to my dad, and all of them said that they consider him their dad too which I think is very much worth more than accidentally causing any drama would have been.

    My dad barely remembers the day anyway, luckily I don't think it mattered in the end where I was.

    I think we're about sorted with the finances now - the only thing I don't know how to resolve is how we find out who their home insurance was with, because Dad has no idea and I think my stepmum must have paid for it all upfront so there's no direct debit to track down.

    Dad went back to work today, but he definitely wants to find a way to at least cut down his hours. I'm quietly hoping he might stay there for a month or two (he gets on with his colleagues and doesn't really have other friends) before he makes any decisions.

    You've all been really helpful, thank you so much.
    Mortgage: £83,000
    Credit Card Debt: £1,700
    Loan Debt: £3,000


  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 45,938
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    glad it all went well.

    Insurance: how is she likely to have paid / arranged it? go back through cheque books / bank and credit card statements, search of emails etc ...
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • JWPopps
    JWPopps Posts: 341 Forumite
    Savvy_Sue wrote: »
    glad it all went well.

    Insurance: how is she likely to have paid / arranged it? go back through cheque books / bank and credit card statements, search of emails etc ...

    Thanks - that's a good point, I suspect she will have made a telephone payment which means if I can find some of her older bank statements there might have been a transaction I can look for.
    Mortgage: £83,000
    Credit Card Debt: £1,700
    Loan Debt: £3,000


  • JWPopps
    JWPopps Posts: 341 Forumite
    Ok... why are car insurance companies so awful??

    My dad got a letter from my stepmother's insurer last week to complain that the direct debit had bounced (because her account is closed). I called them yesterday and it seems they slipped through the net and hadn't been informed. The lady on the phone told me I could just send through a scanned copy of the death certificate, which I did, and today I received a message saying that because I'm not the executor of my stepmother's estate they can't accept any information from me.

    There is no executor. I called them to explain this and they were SO unfriendly and rude, and only after twenty minutes of me getting progressively more stressed did they say that my dad can talk to them because he was her spouse (I can't drive, I've never had any idea how car insurance works).

    It will get sorted, I'm not annoyed that they wouldn't talk to me because fair enough I could have been anyone, but I have dealt with upwards of 16 other companies including banks, loan companies, council tax... they were all friendly, sympathetic and helpful even if they were telling me I needed to do something different than I was doing.

    Honestly I don't even have a question, I just needed a rant at this point.
    Mortgage: £83,000
    Credit Card Debt: £1,700
    Loan Debt: £3,000


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