Question about harassment
Comments
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I'm out too, to mirror elsien I feel this topic is going around in circles.
Look, he can tell people about their relationship, most of the time without breaking any laws, especially if it's kept truthful. You seem unwilling to accept this. I'm also unsure what you actually want to hear, it's almost like you want him to go to prison for the rest of his life so he can't discuss it. It was her choice to engage in these behaviours and continue to do so. She has two choices:
1) Own her life, being an adult and all and not be ashamed of what she chooses to do. Basically don't keep it a secret from her family.
2) Hope he doesn't say anything but accept that if he does he probably won't get in trouble over it.
And I second what I said before, this relationship isn't going anywhere. I'd get out now unless you're considering it an extremely casual thing, in which case it probably isn't worth the hassle anyway. She'll never fully commit to you, you are nothing more than a phase.0 -
marliepanda wrote: »No she didn't. And no they didn't
This is not abuse, and should never be associated with the very serious issue of abuse.
Her drinking didn't distress her. Her choice not to wear a hijab was not abuse. just because she doesn't want her parents knowing does not make these photos abusive.
There are 2 options here.
1. Its all made up.
2. both of you need to get a grip (you and your girlfriend) Wasting police time and womens aids time talking about harassment and abuse when basically it boils down to your girlfriend lying to her family and not wanting people to know and expecting the world to fall at her feet and go along with it. Its pathetic.
Its no more 'emotional or psychological' abuse than your girlfriend is abusing her family by lying to them. She knows what she is doing would distress them, but she chooses her sex life and getting drunk over them and does it anyway. So if youre going to get her boyfriend done for abuse then you may as well have her done as well...
That's the email response.
This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images aren’t intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly don’t deserve to be made to feel threatened.
From what you have said in your email, your former friend stopped contacting you after the police warned her but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered ‘non-consensual sharing of intimate images’, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101.Girlie Girl0 -
If she can 'only marry a Muslim', then what is your plan for the future exactly? Are you hoping that one day she'll tell her family about you and then you two will be able to get married and live happily ever after?
What is your end game? What is hers?
You might want to watch these:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEM5SEbqDuw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC_0rp8rXmsI'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »That's the email response.
This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images aren’t intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly don’t deserve to be made to feel threatened.
From what you have said in your email, your ex stopped contacting you after the police warned him but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered ‘non-consensual sharing of intimate images’, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101.
She had reported him for abusive behaviour before, over a year ago but didn't provide full evidence and he police gave it a No further action.
Wouldn't all that count.
It's not difficult - it's not abuse in the conventional sense and is a simple case of your GF having split priorities and having to 'own up' to parents. Blaming someone else is a cop-out of epic proportions and suggests that if she's not ready/willing to tell them herself then there's little commitment to future relationship with you. I'd be watching my back in case you're the next one to be blamed0 -
It's not difficult - it's not abuse in the conventional sense and is a simple case of your GF having split priorities and having to 'own up' to parents. Blaming someone else is a cop-out of epic proportions and suggests that if she's not ready/willing to tell them herself then there's little commitment to future relationship with you. I'd be watching my back in case you're the next one to be blamed
I understand where you guys are coming from and I need to support her, as she's distressed about what may happen.Girlie Girl0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »I understand where you guys are coming from and I need to support her, as she's distressed about what may happen.
But we don't make the laws and Women's aid have stated that if he reveals anything it can be deemed as threatening and abusive behaviour.
No you are reading into what they said:This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images aren’t intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly don’t deserve to be made to feel threatened. This categorically does NOT state that this would be abuse. This simply states abuse is wrong. It does not say sharing of these images is abuse
From what you have said in your email, your ex stopped contacting you after the police warned him but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered ‘non-consensual sharing of intimate images’, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101. Again, this is not them saying it is abuse. They are saying that if he was threatening and abusing you, then revealing these photos could be used alongside that, but he isnt!!!!
The email from Women's Aid does not state at all that sharing images like this is abuse. Not even close.
Stop wasting everybodys time and tell her to either abide by her parents wishes or stop expecting other people to clear up her own mess.0 -
marliepanda wrote: »No you are reading into what they said:
The email from Women's Aid does not state at all that sharing images like this is abuse. Not even close.
Stop wasting everybodys time and tell her to either abide by her parents wishes or stop expecting other people to clear up her own mess.
Not recently, but she said the friend has been talking to people about her life.This has been pasted onto her.Girlie Girl0 -
I have read these 5 pages and this is what I read:
In the past your g/f engaged in behaviour which went against the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.
Currently your fg/f is engaging in behaviour which goes agains the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.
Yet she hasn't learnt her lesson and is blaming everybody but her (or you are on her behalf - this I am not sure of). This means that in the future she will blame everybody but herself - this will almost certainly include you.
There are women out there who are desperate for the time and support of Women's aid because they are experiencing, financial, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They don't ask for it and they don't act in a way to give anybody a reason to abuse them in such ways.
Their response will very much depend on what your g/f has told them.
You have said yourself. This person has backed off. There is no current threat. Not sure why you are so nervous?
The police are so stretched that I cannot imagine they will be remotely interested.... if something changes then that is the time she (not you) should report whomever abuses her. In the meantime she needs to get on with her life.
Sharing a few pictures of behaviour she chose (as an adult) to engage in in public (i.e. with others present) is not an offence.0 -
Candyapple wrote: »If she can 'only marry a Muslim', then what is your plan for the future exactly? Are you hoping that one day she'll tell her family about you and then you two will be able to get married and live happily ever after?
What is your end game? What is hers?
You might want to watch these:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEM5SEbqDuw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC_0rp8rXms
I think this is the concern - whether her parents are genuine parents (ie love their "child") - or otherwise ...and she may not know how to find out which of those two categories they come in.
I can understand that there are people "living dual lives" in Britain. Some of us are too honest for our own good and stand up for normal British life regardless - but it's in a much "milder" context than that and we can only be penalised by being denied jobs we should rightfully have if working age. If retired - we are freer to say what we think and be an advocate for others experiencing unfair treatment - but we get critical comments aimed at us by some for doing so.
In a much "milder" context of people leading dual lives - one can have someone that says they are a friend to oneself, BUT know not to trust them fully, as they put "fitting in" to immediate society around as higher priority than actually being a proper/normal friend (ie having your back and being a loyal friend). So I can guess it will be more difficult still to know whether one can trust one's parents/and other nearby relatives to be "proper parents" or whether they'd place higher priority on "fitting in with their immediate circle".
So those of us in that position can understand why someone might decide to "lead a dual life" (as we see some people doing so - in a much milder/more penalty-free context) or refuse to "lead a dual life" and do get criticised sometimes - but at least criticism is the worst that can happen to us (and "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me").
So - I do get why girlfriend is trying to lead a dual life - as she may well be due for worse penalties than just being criticised.
Personally, in her position, it's up to her to have a good evaluation of whether her family would just criticise her (which they obviously certainly would) or get up to that sort of behaviour regardless of how life is here and what our laws are.
I'm assuming they would stick to just criticising her and disinheriting her - but she may fear they come into "that" category (ie violent lawbreakers).0 -
HampshireH wrote: »I have read these 5 pages and this is what I read:
In the past your g/f engaged in behaviour which went against the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.
Currently your fg/f is engaging in behaviour which goes agains the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.
Yet she hasn't learnt her lesson and is blaming everybody but her (or you are on her behalf - this I am not sure of). This means that in the future she will blame everybody but herself - this will almost certainly include you.
There are women out there who are desperate for the time and support of Women's aid because they are experiencing, financial, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They don't ask for it and they don't act in a way to give anybody a reason to abuse them in such ways.
Their response will very much depend on what your g/f has told them.
You have said yourself. This person has backed off. There is no current threat. Not sure why you are so nervous?
The police are so stretched that I cannot imagine they will be remotely interested.... if something changes then that is the time she (not you) should report whomever abuses her. In the meantime she needs to get on with her life.
Sharing a few pictures of behaviour she chose (as an adult) to engage in in public (i.e. with others present) is not an offence.
She has lied about the friend in the past to get them in trouble. but she regrets thisGirlie Girl0
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