My husband says the same about my kids when things go pearshaped, i am apparently to 'soft' on them. Sound familiar?

I was talking to a mum down the school whos lad has gone a bit off the rails, apparently he got into the same sort of situation as your son has but she phoned the court, and told them that they couldnt take whats in the house as he still lives at home and all his possessions are theirs. They reassesed his situation and although hes still owing the debt, its taken the pressure of his mum and dad.

how are you going to do that when he wont take any responsibility for his actions? Theres none so blind as those who will not see.

I hope your not telling me you are keeping him for no monitary return?
Unfortutely i went through much the same as you with my eldest, i too had debt collectors on my door for bad debts that he ran up. It broke my heart but my husband threw him out and i cried for weeks and hated my husband for months, and although his path has been rocky since he left, i honestly beleive it was the best thing we could have done, because he sure as anything wasnt going to face up to reality sponging off us.

He hasnt quite got the idea of independant living yet, and hes 24 next month, but what mess he makes, unfortunately he makes without dragging his mum and dad into it like he has in the past.

Sorry to be so negative, but i am sending you big hugs anyway xxxx

What does he say when you ask him what he's going to do now?

I have to agree if he won't face up to it then there may be nothing you can do except force him to sort it out by evicting him. Once all the comforts of home have gone he should wake up.

What does he have to show for the debt? Has be bought nothing?

Sounds like at the moment tough love is the only way to go.

I'd get him down the jobcentre asap!

Don't worry, I'm sure they can't take anything of yours.

me thinks he needs a swift kick in the pants with a pair of size 9's


i do feel for you and hope your son wakes up at some point soon and realises what a mess he is in....

Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. No matter what you do, unless your son takes responsibilty for himself, he will just get into a deeper mess.

Your belongings can't be touched with regard to his debts, but do you have receipts for things that may be in his room, like a tv or stereo for example? They could try to make out these were his and were therefore subject to be taken.

Why wont he claim benefits? Is he worried that if he does then he will be coerced into taking a job?

I assume you clothe and feed him if he has no income of his own? I'm not suggesting you stop feeding him if that's the case but I certainly wouldn't be supporting him in any other way. He needs to realise he's a big lad now and has to support himself.

I've got 3 kids and I KNOW it's easier said than done, but I think you just need to leave him to get on with it. If you continually worry about the situation and try to find ways out of it...he wont have to, he wont treat it seriously enough as he has his Mum to worry about it for him. He was big enough to get himself into this mess and he needs to tackle it himself now. If he wont...then you don't. It will sink home eventually.

Good luck.

What, exactly, did the Court award? This sounds like a CCJ handled by the Nottingham bulk centre. He did not have to appear, but he should have had some papers to complete. This gave him the opportunity to show how much he could afford to repay.

If he has completed this form, then the Court will only make him pay what he can afford - and no more. I imagine he did not complete the form .....

Get him to fess up to this one. What did he put on the form? If he didn't complete the form properly, you may be able to get the Court to amend the payment to reflect what he can afford. But you'll need help with this.

Call the National Debtline on 0808 808 4000

www.nationaldebtline.co.uk

He's not a child - he's a "Grown-up"!!!

Time he began acting like one. I'm with Judi on this one - harsh? Maybe. Justified? definately!

Will this affect *your* credit rating? After all, in many cases, it's the address which gets the bad mark. You may need to look into that.

He's a big boy, he's making his own choices. If he's big enough to apply for credit and use it all up, then he's big enough to find a solution.

It shouldn't do. People at the same address are only affected if they are "financially" connected i.e. if they have joint debts.

These days, the credit record if firmly attached to the person with the debts.

Agree with everthing else, though, Queenie ;-) I wonder if he sees Mum as someone who will sort everything out for him. Bless 'im ;-)

If I was in your situation I would make sure he (or even you) has cut up ALL cards he may have be them credit or debit cards, double check for storecards etc.

Set him up an ebay account and make him sell stuff he no longer uses to start paying off this debt.

Sit him down and talk to him about why he doesn't want to get benefits. I didn't want to go onto benefits when I first left university but I did. Personally it is the best thing I ever did. I was able to pay off a huge mobile phone bill, pay my parents keep (about £10 a week but I also contributed to the house by doing chores) and even managed to visit my boyfriend in another town at £20+spending money each trip EVERY month. I got sent on a course to improve my job prospects and I loved it. It wasn't anything like going to school or uni. It was fun and I made friends.

Unfortunatly I then fell pregnant and couldn't go out to work but once I was no longer entitled to income support (boyfriend moved in with me in our own place but had to take care of me to some extent due to health reasons) he went out and immediately signed onto Jobseekers. He didn't want to either BUT he now has an IT qualification that entitles him (and he has got it now) to a job paying £19k a year, we've been on a weeks holiday last year to Switzerland, we own a car (or at least will do once the loan is paid off) and are looking at buying our own house as soon as our current debts (including his student loan about £10k) are paid off.

Don't let him sponge off you anymore. Refuse to even buy him deodrant or shampoo for himself. Don't give him socialising money at all. Don't pay any of his debts off. Make him realise that since he is big enough to run up these debts he has got to grow-up and pay them. Tell him he's got two weeks to get intouch with the job center and sign on (they even fill the forms out over the phone now initially instead of you having to go in and sit there for half-a-hour filling them in) or he will HAVE to move out as you are no longer willing to support him and getting nothing back. Tough love works. Trust me

Having been (and still to a certain extent) the "Daughter in Debt" - I can certainly see your predicament and have to agree from what other posters are saying, he has to learn to stand up on his own two feet, it honestly is the only way he will learn.

I am now 24 (25 this year), and I have been living in London for 2 years now. Between the ages of 20 and 22, I ran up a lot of debt, I was working for the majority of the time (while living at home), but for a period of 6 months i WASNT working and didnt want to, running up debt, still going out 3-4 times a week and spending, spending, spending - my parents hated me at the time, "You treat this house like a hotel" etc etc etc, and I hated them back. I was an ok teenager aside from having no financial responsibility (was never into drugs or anything that heavy) but was still a nightmare. In July 2002 I lost my job due to my colleague returning from maternity leave, so I decided that I would move to Spain & work there for a while. Before I went I went mad on shopping and buying "holiday clothes" - ended up coming back in September. My parents were SO mad, so they sent me to live with my grandparents - so I was 22, no money, no job, living with my grandparents, this was a real low for me, then suddenly I had my "lightbulb" moment.. (I think because my grandad was so ashamed at me having run up so much debt, and then my aunt told the rest of my family - which I have forgiven her for, but was so humiliating!! My Grandad cried when he found out, and thats something I have to live with - but he is proud of me now, and I long to be able to tell him that I am debt free, and to be able to tell him I actually have savings - it would mean a lot to him, and to me too)

I ended up finding a job in London (it made more sense to find a job in London and earn London ££££ than it did to find a job in the nearest town), and then figured it would be cheaper to move here too (which it is, rather than living with parents, paying them rent & then train fares on top). So i have been here for 2 years now, and a debt which was once as high as £19K, is now sitting at £8.5K, and will be paid off in December this year.

Now, if my parents hadnt have kicked me out, I am not sure what situation I would be in now - maybe I still would have had my "lightbulb" moment, but maybe I wouldnt have.

It must be hard, but you really need to stop supporting your son, he can turn things around for himself, he just has to want to. Perhaps have a chat with him and see what his goals are, perhaps if he wants to go travelling, this might be a motivation to get a job and save for it. But I would definately NOT give him any money, for anything - he is too old to be receiving pocket money, even if he was doing jobs around the house. He needs to stand on his own two feet & realise that he has to work for things. Dont include him on the family holidays or if you go out of an evening, he will have to pay for himself, and if he wants anything he will have to earn it. Whether its only a £10 here and there for phone credit, or the such like.

As much as I was a bit of a financial mess, I never sponged off my parents, they just wouldnt give me money. They were just angry at me, that I wasnt taking responsibility for myself (especially when I wasnt working). Brings back bad memories, but we get on so well now its funny.

You cant ground him, but remember its your house, and you could make his life very uncomfortable if you wanted to.

Good luck.

This is about the best advice you could get. Until he learns what things cost, he's not going to get anywhere and you're heading for a potential future of having a 40 year old dole scrounging layabout still living at home. Why would he move out? He's got a cleaner, laundrette and cafeteria on top for free that also dishes him out money on demand with no comeback. Time to burst his bubble before it gets out of hand.

There are jobs out there....tens of thousands of them. There is no excuse to be unemployed. OK, you might not get the job you wanted but with the national minimum wage he's going to be on the thick end of £200 a week which after tax should leave him with about £170...plenty to fund himself.

I would also start charging him rent. £50 a week is a good starting point. Don't listen to any protestations about that being most of his dole money and leaving him with a fiver. Point out that dole money is set at a level to provide the basic living necessities soin fact you're doing him a favour leaving him a fiver. Tell him that if he doesn't like it then he knows the answer...get a job.

You're going to have to be hard and stick to your guns on this one.

Best of luck.