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Am I over reacting?

Hi All,

I’m back again and I suppose I’m just looking to be heard.
I’ve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
I don’t think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
We’re going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
He didn’t get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesn’t think I should go at all.
It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, I’ll have to say something.
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Comments

  • littleredhen
    littleredhen Posts: 3,280
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    I would be clear that you don't know what time you will be home and then leave it at that, in relationships it is quite easy to keep going over the same ground but don't, as long as you are clear and you enjoy yourself there is nothing he can do to spoil it as he will only spoil it if you allow him to.
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.:o

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk:)
  • last_mile
    last_mile Posts: 86
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    the thing is if i say that, i dont know or even maybe 10 ill have to spend the whole week leading up to it in "hell" listening to him going on and on about it.
    Then on the day he'll break down about it trying to make me stay home and then when i do leave he'll text all the time and when i dont answer quick enough he'll start calling.
  • Hi

    Just wanted to say I'm in a very similar situation and can fully appreciate how you feel.

    All I can suggest is going ahead with your plans as you would, as ammending them/cancelling them is not appeasing him and is simply giving him what he wants. And if it's anything like my experience this is setting precedent for the future. He will behave like this again and expect it to work.

    As long as you are not being inconsiderate to him (which it doesn't sound like you are) he should be happy for you to be doing something that will make you happy.

    Just my opinion anyway :o
  • Wow your latest post just mirrored my situation. I fully feel for you and while I want to suggest running a mile in the opposite direction, and be happy doing what you want without having to feel hesitant about plans that other couples wouldn't bat an eyelid at, I suppose I have to learn to take my own advice before doling it out to others.
  • last_mile
    last_mile Posts: 86
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    i've had this for almost 9 years and yes i know this is a long time.
    I always push back on it but i very rarely do things without him hence it means i "get over" it quickly once its past. i think my problem is that i just feel like i am being suffocated.
  • littleredhen
    littleredhen Posts: 3,280
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    The problem is you cannot let another person control you and if that is what is happening then you have to do something about it "easier said than done" I hear you say but I am not saying it is going to be easy but if you don't stop the controlling it will get worse, I hope you get support from your family, friends to stop this from happening
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.:o

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk:)
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,551
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    last_mile wrote: »
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised. We!!!8217;re going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week

    He didn!!!8217;t get home until 11:45.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.

    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesn!!!8217;t think I should go at all.

    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    It annoys you but not enough to put a stop to it?

    Tell him you'll be getting home when the do is finished - just like him after the stag do. And turn your phone off while you're out so he can't keep contacting you.

    You've got to decide whether you want to spend your life with a controlling man or not.
  • last_mile
    last_mile Posts: 86
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    God dont i know it.
    its defo never as easily done, but i think if he ruins this hen im going to take action.
  • WibblyGirly
    WibblyGirly Posts: 470 Forumite
    I will not have any partner dictating to me what time I should be home or that I shouldn't go. Just because you are in a partnership does not mean you stop being an independent individual.
    I would say you don't know what time you'll be home then ignore all texts and calls on the night out if he is pestering you to come home.
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,198
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    Forumite
    last_mile wrote: »
    Hi All,

    I’m back again and I suppose I’m just looking to be heard.
    I’ve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I don’t think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    We’re going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didn’t get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesn’t think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, I’ll have to say something.

    Why not say something now?

    "i'm glad that you enjoyed the stag do last weekend. I want to make sure that I am able to enjoy the hen party. I don't know how late it will run. I know with the stag do I was expecting you would be back by 9, in the event it was almost midnight. It may be that the hen party is similar, so you need to be aware that I may not be back until late, and that I won't know in advance when I will be back.
    I want to be able to relax and enjoy the floe of the day, so I don't want to feel I need to kept updating you about what we are doing, or to have you text and phone me." (you could add in something like "I will text you if I am going to be later than Midnight, so you aren't sitting up waiting for me" )

    I do appreciate that it is very difficult to stand up to someone who is controlling .

    When you mention that you have been working through things, has this involved any form of joint counselling? If so, can you refer to that, to remind him that what he is doing is behaving in the way that was causing the problems initially?
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
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