Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house

Grayfinch85 · 14 June 2019 at 9:59AM

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all the replies, especially those with suggestions for metal health resources, I will definitely check them out!

After reading back over my post I realise I was feeling very low yesterday and just needed somwhere to vent. He's been so upset and despairing the past two years at not being able to find a house, I thought that if we could just buy somewhere he'd get better, naive I know.

In my defence he's exactly like this with holidays too, he has a big panic over booking them and then once we're there we have a great time - in fact after our last holiday I've told him to leave all the booking to me in the future, it's too stressful for both of us!

One of the problems as well is that he becomes paralysed with indecision. He will worry and worry and work himself up but if I actually ask him what he wants to do about it he'll just keep saying that he doesn't know.

I went home yesterday and told him that I wanted to back out, only to find that he'd actually seen the doctor and talked things through and was feeling better about the whole thing.

I know we've got a ways to go before it's all over and there's lots of things he'll find to worry about before the process is over but last night I had my husband back for a bit and it was lovely.

Thanks again for reading and to everyone for responding

DigForVictory · 14 June 2019 at 10:38AM

Well done the both of you, thank you for coming back with an update (it's a cherished rarity) & very best of luck going forward.

hazyjo · 14 June 2019 at 10:44AM

He sounds exactly like my bipolar OH. He gets unbelievably stressed about holidays and moving house. I was dreading moving last time, but in the end just reassured him lots and kept saying 'I promise you...' before explaining anything. The move before that one was even worse due to lots of other issues, but we got there in the end.

He has absolutely loved being in both houses we've lived in and truly loves them with his whole heart. Probably because we have poured lots of love into them, and I've always said they will be his sanctuary/nest/cocoon, etc. He's a house-husband so home all the time, so it was really important to get it right. We visited the area so much that it became exciting, and stayed over in B&Bs several times.

I agree that the rooms in the one you're buying seem very small. I doubt he'd find a loft conversion with a much higher ceiling though, so either buy a house with 'standard bedrooms', or, if you can't afford that, compromise on size. Or see a loft room as a bonus room but not something essential.

With holidays, my OH studies maps to know the area we're staying in inside out - I print them off and he marks where everything is. He worries about the little things like where supermarkets are or a cashpoint in case we run out of money, and chooses some restaurants, bars etc so he feels he knows where he's going.

It's finding a way to manage the anxiety. It's likely to be 'the whole thing' rather than just one little thing wrong with the house. Some people, men in particular, feel this huge responsibility to have VERY broad shoulders and the pressure crushes them. Maybe try to reassure/remind him that you're there to take some of the burden and you're a team in it together.

getmore4less · 14 June 2019 at 12:01PM

'Our monthly repaments would be more than our rent' - our rent has barely changed in 3-4 years and it's for a 1 bed flat vs a house so...yes?

What's the rent for something you can live in at what size will it become more than the mortgage.

Also remember that the mortgage is part interest(rent) and part capital(equity/savings).

what will your initial split be on the mortgage the interest part is what you compare to the rent.

OK the rental you get things fixed but forget to mention that bit for now.

MoneySeeker1 · 14 June 2019 at 12:09PM

Don't forget that this has been going on for two years now. If you don't press ahead with this one, then you could still be in rented accommodation in another 2 years time, or 5 years, or 10 years. That "nettle needs to be grasped" at some point, so it might as well be now.

seven-day-weekend · 14 June 2019 at 1:02PM

hazyjo wrote: »

He sounds exactly like my bipolar OH. He gets unbelievably stressed about holidays and moving house. I was dreading moving last time, but in the end just reassured him lots and kept saying 'I promise you...' before explaining anything. The move before that one was even worse due to lots of other issues, but we got there in the end.

He has absolutely loved being in both houses we've lived in and truly loves them with his whole heart. Probably because we have poured lots of love into them, and I've always said they will be his sanctuary/nest/cocoon, etc. He's a house-husband so home all the time, so it was really important to get it right. We visited the area so much that it became exciting, and stayed over in B&Bs several times.

I agree that the rooms in the one you're buying seem very small. I doubt he'd find a loft conversion with a much higher ceiling though, so either buy a house with 'standard bedrooms', or, if you can't afford that, compromise on size. Or see a loft room as a bonus room but not something essential.

With holidays, my OH studies maps to know the area we're staying in inside out - I print them off and he marks where everything is. He worries about the little things like where supermarkets are or a cashpoint in case we run out of money, and chooses some restaurants, bars etc so he feels he knows where he's going.

It's finding a way to manage the anxiety. It's likely to be 'the whole thing' rather than just one little thing wrong with the house. Some people, men in particular, feel this huge responsibility to have VERY broad shoulders and the pressure crushes them. Maybe try to reassure/remind him that you're there to take some of the burden and you're a team in it together.

I have used this post because I have something very similar to say.

My husband's anxiety is bad at the moment. We are having a garden party at the end of the month - he is obsessing about the weather and that no-one will come. He was worried about going to someone else's garden party last weekend. He is worried about going to a musical event tonight (just as audience, not to perform). He's off the scale about a holiday we are having in September, with another two couples, that we have had to organise.

That's anxiety, that's what it does. You learn to manage it after a while. You can't let it run your life. Don't pull out, it won't make anything any better - his anxiety will just fasten onto something else.

I'm glad he's feeling better having seen the Dr. Just keep re-assuring him and you and he will get through it. Take as much of the house-moving off him as you possibly can.

Hope this helps and hope your house move completes quickly.

hazyjo · 14 June 2019 at 1:30PM

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I have used this post because I have something very similar to say.

My husband's anxiety is bad at the moment. We are having a garden party at the end of the month - he is obsessing about the weather and that no-one will come. He was worried about going to someone else's garden party last weekend. He is worried about going to a musical event tonight (just as audience, not to perform). He's off the scale about a holiday we are having in September, with another two couples, that we have had to organise.

That's anxiety, that's what it does. You learn to manage it after a while. You can't let it run your life. Don't pull out, it won't make anything any better - his anxiety will just fasten onto something else.

I'm glad he's feeling better having seen the Dr. Just keep re-assuring him and you and he will get through it. Take as much of the house-moving off him as you possibly can.

Hope this helps and hope your house move completes quickly.

God that sounds familiar lol. I tend to go to most things with friends unless it's local. My OH has been checking the weather constantly cos we're out this afternoon. He accidentally binned some hair stuff he uses and was literally in tears down the phone to me cos he couldn't find it and had to go out to meet his dad (locally) and thought the bin men had typically taken the rubbish early. He did eventually find it in the bathroom bin. I tend to just reassure him and calm him down (and we joke about it later). He knows it's totally out of proportion and ridiculous but incidences like that are thankfully few and far between but only due to the fact we keep his life so simple. If he was still working, he'd be in a far worse state.

Hope you all find solutions or ways to live with it x

seven-day-weekend · 14 June 2019 at 3:10PM

hazyjo wrote: »

God that sounds familiar lol. I tend to go to most things with friends unless it's local. My OH has been checking the weather constantly cos we're out this afternoon. He accidentally binned some hair stuff he uses and was literally in tears down the phone to me cos he couldn't find it and had to go out to meet his dad (locally) and thought the bin men had typically taken the rubbish early. He did eventually find it in the bathroom bin. I tend to just reassure him and calm him down (and we joke about it later). He knows it's totally out of proportion and ridiculous but incidences like that are thankfully few and far between but only due to the fact we keep his life so simple. If he was still working, he'd be in a far worse state.

Hope you all find solutions or ways to live with it x

That is precisely why my husband took early retirement when he was 55 and we went to live in rural Spain.

hazyjo · 14 June 2019 at 10:26PM

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

That is precisely why my husband took early retirement when he was 55 and we went to live in rural Spain.

Sounds like it's working out well for you both. I wish people were more honest about it and men (especially) stopped putting so much pressure on themselves. They don't seem to be able to say when they can't cope or if they're feeling too responsible for everyone. All the mental health and suicide awareness around right now can only be a positive thing.

JIL · 14 June 2019 at 11:09PM

Could it be the commitment. You are currently renting, this will be mortgaged and your responsibility.

Try and get to the bottom of why he feels like he does.

Also what is his job? Does he make a lot of decisions at work? I ask as sometimes that can affect decision making in your home life. Its said president Obama never made decisions about what to wear or what to eat as he couldn't. Due to the nature of his work.

Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house

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