Issues with in-laws?

supermezzo · 15 July 2019 at 1:10PM

Personally, Id take a stance now and not waiver, else you will forever be faced with criticism and complaint re nappy choices, bottle vs breast, sleep routine (or lack of!) etc.

Doubt anything you do will be correct as far as this MIL is concerned, so do what you want and set out your stall sooner than later.

Mojisola · 15 July 2019 at 1:35PM

Pops158 wrote: »

The issue has started arising from my in-laws. They are very devout christians and massive horders.

Pops158 wrote: »

The issue is he wants to be a good son and has a real issue saying no, and he's parents use this to make him feel guilty.

They made him feel guilty that he moved to my hometown and took my family name, and now they are using these things as reasons they deserve mains access to the child, and as someone who hates conflict my husband aggrees over the phone, the regrets the decision

I suppose it doesn't help that they've insulted and alienated my parents to the point they want nothing to do with them, so it's not like we can do big family meet ups.

I would argue that they are church goers rather than devout Christians - they certainly don't behave in ways that follow JC's teachings!

Pollycat · 15 July 2019 at 2:22PM

Pops158 wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to reply!

The thing is my husband is very against organised religion and is the main force behind no church or christening.

The issue is he wants to be a good son and has a real issue saying no, and he's parents use this to make him feel guilty. They made him feel guilty that he moved to my hometown and took my family name, and now they are using these things as reasons they deserve mains access to the child, and as someone who hates conflict my husband aggrees over the phone, the regrets the decision 🙄

I don't know how much more I can offer in terms of seeing the child, I've offered that they can come to my house, we can meet places, go on days out, by they are for some reason set on church and their house, and don't want to see the child elsewhere? I have a feeling some of it may be money related, but we often pay when we all meet up anyway, and they're not poor just frugal!

I've discussed it with my husband, and he is seeing a therapist at the moment as he would like help with his inability to say no, but I do feel his parents are taking advantage of knowing hell never say no to them?

I suppose it doesn't help that they've insulted and alienated my parents to the point they want nothing to do with them, so it's not like we can do big family meet ups.

Then he needs to put on his big-boy pants and stand up for what he believes in.
Maybe the therapy will help to be more assertive before you actually become pregnant but this is something that is very important as your husband is against against religion and doesn't want his child christened or attending church.
He's setting you up to be the bad guy in this.
And that's very unfair.

If she's adamant that she and your parents spend the same amount of time with the child, suggest they move to within 8 minutes of your house (and hope like hell she doesn't take you up on it :eek:).
She is being unreasonable and both you and your husband need to nip this in the bud right now and reset her expectations.

I would refuse point-blank to allow a child of mine into a house like you say they have.
What would you say/do if your child was crushed by a falling box?
Or picked up and ate rat-droppings?
Or cut him/herself on broken glass?

I think the time for diplomacy and being guilt-tripped has come and gone.

silvercar · 15 July 2019 at 2:26PM

My husband and I are currently trying for a baby, and we've let our parents know because they were all waiting in anticipation for such an announcement

That was mistake number 1. Learn from it. Ignore everything they are saying and do what you want. When the baby does arrive, that is when you put your foot down and do what you want.

sheramber · 15 July 2019 at 2:41PM

Take a stance rather than trying to reason or argue.

If she mentions it just reply 'that will not be happening.'
No more discussion.

My son does not believe in religion and has said he is leaving it up to his son to decide for himself when he is older.

badmemory · 15 July 2019 at 3:01PM

Are they a member of a traditional church, C of E, methodist, catholic? It reads to me as if they may be members of one of the more outlandish churches/ones with more extreme beliefs.

Neither set of my sons grandparents were particularly particular. But I do know that before we were expected both sets used to go all round their houses to make sure he couldn't either hurt himself or break anything. That is the response you need from someone who is no longer used to having young children around. I sometimes look round my house & wonder what I would do if any of my friends younger grandchildren were to come. Absolute nightmare, not many ornaments (they need dusting) but tablets within reach, crockery, electrical stuff around etc.

chesky · 15 July 2019 at 3:05PM

... and has a real issue saying no ...

But he doesn't seem to have a problem saying no to you.

-taff · 15 July 2019 at 3:11PM

It's both of your child [when it happens] and you, as the parents get to decide what goes on. If you don't want to take it to church, don't . If you don't want the child to be in danger of being squashed in her house, then you tell her you think it's dangerous for a baby, and you won't be allowing it into her house until the child is odler or the house no longer poses a danger.
If you husband doesn't want to do what they want him to, he's free to write to them and tell them, and don't speak to them on a phone.
Nip it in the bud now.

Mojisola · 15 July 2019 at 3:24PM

sheramber wrote: »

Take a stance rather than trying to reason or argue.

If she mentions it just reply 'that will not be happening.'

No more discussion.

This is a technique that you both need to practice so that it comes easily when you're talking to his parents.

Decide between you how you want to bring up your children.

Tell both sets of parents that you won't be doing X, Y and Z.

When they raise the issue, say something like "You know what we feel about that/what we're doing about that/we aren't going to do things that way/etc.

Change the subject.

If they raise it again, say "I don't want to talk about this any more. If you won't drop the subject, I'll finish this phonecall/visit" and do it.

It's a kind of training - if you stick to your guns, they will realise that if they want to have a relationship with you and their grandchildren, they will have to accept that you are adults and are making the decisions about your children's lives.

If you two going against their wishes means they cut you out of their lives, so be it. It won't be easy for your husband but the on-going stress of trying to placate his parents won't be easy either.

onwards&upwards · 15 July 2019 at 3:48PM

I think your husband should have some counselling before you even consider starting to try for a baby. Nightmare in-laws plus husband in their pocket who can’t stand up for himself and his wife/child is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to be sure before you conceive that he will be on your side and your child’s side, and not just be saying it, really be able to live it.

Get back on your pill for now.

Issues with in-laws?

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