Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

enthusiasticsaver · 27 September 2017 at 11:54PM

alibat wrote: »

Obviously I don't really want to go into details about my marriage on here, but other than the money side we get on well. I am the sort of person who avoids conflict at also any cost and unfortunately this has meant that he very much is the dominant partner (he may get angry easily, usually as a result of stuff going on at work but I've never been worried about my safety). Perhaps if I hadn't been so passive things would be different? No idea if they would be but it's a thought.

Anyway, he was quite late last night so I didn't get chance for a decent conversation. This morning however I did persuade him that I could be trusted to get a loaf of bread on the way home without spending a fortune!

I don't think he'd realised I still had my debit card, and a good thing too. On the way to work I noticed that one of my headlight bulbs had gone. I rang OH up to tell him I needed to call into Halfords on the way home for a new bulb. His response was '' how are you going to pay for it? '' A good example of why I cannot be without it, as what would he say if I got pulled and got a ticket? Will hopefully have another chat tonight.

Definitely you make a good point that if you have a car then you need access to funds as it could be dangerous to drive without lights. Asking permission to buy a loaf of bread seems a little OTT but whatever works for you.

I apologise if you found my questions intrusive and I meant them more as musings for you to ponder over and maybe talk over with a counsellor which you may benefit from at some point.

EH rightly points out this is a DFW board not the relationship one so I will stick to financial advice only.

Have you set up a budget yet to show your OH?

alibat_2 · 28 September 2017 at 8:55AM

EssexHebridean wrote: »

Yes, this is another reason why it's important that you start to arrange things like your salary being paid into your own account...

I already have my own account so setting up a new one isn't necessary.

alibat_2 · 28 September 2017 at 9:03AM

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Definitely you make a good point that if you have a car then you need access to funds as it could be dangerous to drive without lights. Asking permission to buy a loaf of bread seems a little OTT but whatever works for you.

I apologise if you found my questions intrusive and I meant them more as musings for you to ponder over and maybe talk over with a counsellor which you may benefit from at some point.

EH rightly points out this is a DFW board not the relationship one so I will stick to financial advice only.

Have you set up a budget yet to show your OH?

No worries. I think I'd just got a bit defensive after several posters had made a point that I'd lied and deceived my OH. Guess I just wanted to point out that I wasn't the only one who'd lied in the relationship.

OH been home late this week so not really had chance to sit down and make a budget. Will sort that this weekend I guess. Still, I've drawn a small amount of cash to last me the week and will only spend more in an emergency (like a blown headlight bulb!).

EssexHebridean · 28 September 2017 at 10:27AM

alibat wrote: »

I already have my own account so setting up a new one isn't necessary.

Sp is your salary now being paid into that and you're then transferring an appropriate amount to the account that is used for bills etc Only you originally said earlier in the thread that your income goes into an account controlled by your husband?

Apologies if you feel that people are "banging on"n about this point - but ultimately the only way you are ever going to a) learn to control your money and budget and b) prove that you can do so, to yourself and others - is to actually learn in real time. Plus you have a personal responsibility to pay your debts - and if you're not given sufficient funds back to do so as you referred to having happened previously then you will never be able to do so as defaults will be applied and charges will mount up. Apologies if this has been misinterpreted, but if not I trust you can see the point that we are concerned about.

Fen1 · 28 September 2017 at 11:13AM

As well as writing out a budget and keeping a check on your spends, have you written a diary? A daily diary might help you work out your spend pattern.

Some questions to ponder:

1. When are you spending on a particular day?
( Are you tired after work so your brain is a bit fuzzy, or do you need a treat after a long day?)

2. Do you get distracted by offers and special deals?

3. When does browsing become purchasing? Are you on "automatic pilot" or is there a reason for this purchase? ( Do you get a thrill from buying? Are you bored so fill the time shopping?)

4. Does your monthly cycle affect your spending? PMT can cause irrational thinking and depression, both of which can trigger overspending.

Working out the patterns may help you to take control. Realising why you spend, at a particular place or a particular time, can be really informative.

alibat_2 · 28 September 2017 at 12:50PM

EssexHebridean wrote: »

Sp is your salary now being paid into that and you're then transferring an appropriate amount to the account that is used for bills etc Only you originally said earlier in the thread that your income goes into an account controlled by your husband?

Apologies if you feel that people are "banging on"n about this point - but ultimately the only way you are ever going to a) learn to control your money and budget and b) prove that you can do so, to yourself and others - is to actually learn in real time. Plus you have a personal responsibility to pay your debts - and if you're not given sufficient funds back to do so as you referred to having happened previously then you will never be able to do so as defaults will be applied and charges will mount up. Apologies if this has been misinterpreted, but if not I trust you can see the point that we are concerned about.

Thanks for your concern, and I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I have always had my own bank account where any salary is paid in, so in that respect there is no issue with not having the money from my pay to service my debts.
My husband was on about wanting my debit card from my own account, we have no joint account at present. (something to look into when I'm more sorted). He's wanting to control what I'm spend from my own account, presumably so they'll be more to put towards the debts.

EssexHebridean · 28 September 2017 at 12:58PM

Ah ok - that's fine then.

Still don't give him the Debit card though.

Fen1's post is spot on by the way - some really good trains of thought in there. :T

alibat_2 · 28 September 2017 at 12:59PM

Fen1 wrote: »

As well as writing out a budget and keeping a check on your spends, have you written a diary? A daily diary might help you work out your spend pattern.

Some questions to ponder:

1. When are you spending on a particular day?
( Are you tired after work so your brain is a bit fuzzy, or do you need a treat after a long day?)

2. Do you get distracted by offers and special deals?

3. When does browsing become purchasing? Are you on "automatic pilot" or is there a reason for this purchase? ( Do you get a thrill from buying? Are you bored so fill the time shopping?)

4. Does your monthly cycle affect your spending? PMT can cause irrational thinking and depression, both of which can trigger overspending.

Working out the patterns may help you to take control. Realising why you spend, at a particular place or a particular time, can be really informative.

A diary is a great idea. Not sure about the PMT, but I have tended to spend more when I'm down and stressed with other things. I do know I tend to spend less in summer than winter when I can get outside and do other things that interest me. It's also the time when I get more time to catch up with friends.
What has often happened is I've gone to buy one item and ended up with several. Got to go now but I'll post again later when I've given more thought to this.

alibat_2 · 4 October 2017 at 2:11PM

Been going through stuff. Seems most of the spending happened when I was still in my permanent job but off sick. The debts have not grown much the last few years due to reckkess spending, rather due to poor budgeting and money management, paying minimums due to insecure work etc. I have also noticed that I've tended to spend more when things have been going better. Seems odd that, as I'd assumed the worst spending was when I was most depressed.

It's been more a case of frittering money away here and there rather than big spends, or collecting sets of stuff like books ((I'm a bit of a hoarder). Got Dr's at the end of the week. Things going OK at the moment.

EssexHebridean · 4 October 2017 at 2:48PM

Good to hear - and not entirely surprising about what you've found with your spending habits. Sure the classic pattern is "Feel depressed so spend to cheer yourself up" but for many people that depression teams up with anxiety to make us very wary of spending money at all, and guessing that for someone who's been in debt before that is even more true. The flipside of course is feeling great, upbeat and cheerful, and so not thinking as much about what you're spending.

I suspect being aware of that is a massive step forwards in terms of fixing it.

Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

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