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  • FIRST POST
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 8:15 AM
    • 16Posts
    • 10Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?
    • #1
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:15 AM
    Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting? 12th Feb 19 at 8:15 AM
    Hi everyone,


    I'm a long term reader of the forum but haven't posted. I am sorry for this Is LONG!!


    I'm keen for another perspective on my situation, and given the situation I don't feel I can involve family or friends as they are likely to have a biased opinion.


    I'm married for over 7 years, 2 young children. We both work, myself earning around 36k and him about 37k.


    Since we bought our current home the mortgage is in my name (as he had an error on his credit file due to an issue with the last house - now resolved but wouldn't be in time for our house purchase) This was 2 years ago.
    I also pay the council tax, all of the kids clubs, buy all the kids clothes, I pay a personal loan for a large purchase we made together (I don't want to say what as I feel it may identify me - I know its a big world but I'm nervous re posting this). I take home approx. 1700 and my essential outgoings are around 1650 - doesn't leave me with much.
    He pays gas, electric and childcare - childcare is less than 200 per month, gas and electric - I don't know how much this is right now.


    In our previous home, the mortgage was joint named, my parents gave us a deposit, the bill came out of his account but I paid for the childcare (which was way more than the mortgage at the time as both were at a childminder). I always had to ask him for money before the month ran out and when I think about it now I started to become really low in mood around that time.


    Since moving again, I still have to ask him for money at the end of the month. I suggested several times that we should have a bills account and each pay a % of our salary (say50%) into this to cover it and some more for treats or saving etc. For some reason he has never been into the idea.


    I've found it harder and harder to ask him for money each month, so as a result I have been using my credit card, kidding myself on that everything was fine and under control. I have accumulated some debt, and when I gave myself a kick up the !!! and moved it to a 0% card and cut it up I took a hard look at my finances,( I have secured a new job which I will start soon , its a pay rise with significant benefits, so I will have more income to pay the card off quicker) - I am left with very little at the end of the month and forced to have to ask for "spendies".
    He has a personal loan, which he says was accumulated costs from when we last moved, and he took out another to clear it but didn't - he says he has been keeping it "just in case" - I am really not all that sure what this loan was really used for. He know tells me he has been keeping this money, just in case I messed up again (I had debt years ago but paid it off with an inheritance)


    I have told him about the credit card, saying that we need to split the household bills as I cant keep pretending that I have more money than I do, and I shouldn't have to ask for money from him, as I find it extremely hard to do this for whatever reason...


    His solution is that I should have my salary paid into his bank account as its the only way he can trust me again. I suggested again a joint account which we both agree a monthly budget for "free spending each" and the rest goes on the necessities or debt/savings. He says he would feel better if it was all in his account. He will transfer me an allowance weekly or monthly and he will control the rest.


    In my gut this feels very wrong, however I know I betrayed his trust by spending on my credit card and maybe this is the only way I will have his trust again.
    On the other hand, I am a grown woman who made a mistake, realised it and is rectifying it within my means - how am I expected to survive on such a small amount each month?


    Is this the punishment for messing up? should I just get on with it?


    A quick Google search tells me that anyone who demands you hand over your salary, doesn't pay half of the household bills, makes you ask for money but freely spends on themselves are portraying financial abuse, or at the very least bullying...? Maybe I am "catastrophising" I do know I have made mistakes.


    If your still reading - thanks!
    If you have time Id really appreciate an opinion
Page 1
    • Doozergirl
    • By Doozergirl 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    • 26,586 Posts
    • 71,392 Thanks
    Doozergirl
    • #2
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    • #2
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    It's not good, is it?

    You're trying to justify it saying that it's punishment, but you've not done anything wrong. Even if you had, it's no place for a husband to punish their wife for anything.

    These situations always feel 'normal' to those people stuck in them and they can't see it as being wrong because they adjust to it.

    If your genuine outgoings are 50 less than your wages then debt crisis is inevitable for you and he should be contributing more. For compariosn, my gas and electric is a little over 100 a month for a decent sized four bed with no cavity wall insulation.

    You are supposed to be a partnership - there is no reason why a joint bills account should not work.

    Even if he has his own debt crisis (it's possible), he's still abusing your good nature. You are a grown up, trying to take responsibility for your family and having nothing left over for you at all. You have to work together. How can you take responsibility if it isn't shared?

    Giving/witholding spending money when you're committed to most of the bills is a form of abuse. Criticising you for having a credit card when you have no other means of spending is awful, taking all your money from you as punishment would be shocking.

    I think there's a state of affairs spreadsheet somewhere on this site, maybe someone can link to it for you. It would be a good idea for you to sit together, fill it out and look at your actual outgoings and ratify them.

    Even if he refuses, you can do it yourself and look at something approaching the reality of your financial lives. It might be that the whole household is struggling, but you have to know whether he's actually keeping the money 'safe', whether he is spending his own as well, disproportionately, or perhaps even that he's just as financially committed as you are, you just haven't realised it. In any event, the beginning of the solution lies in a proper assessment of your family budget.
    Last edited by Doozergirl; 12-02-2019 at 8:36 AM.
    Everything that is supposed to be in heaven is already here on earth.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    • 7,682 Posts
    • 8,378 Thanks
    Comms69
    • #3
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    • #3
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:29 AM
    Hi everyone,


    I'm a long term reader of the forum but haven't posted. I am sorry for this Is LONG!!


    I'm keen for another perspective on my situation, and given the situation I don't feel I can involve family or friends as they are likely to have a biased opinion.


    I'm married for over 7 years, 2 young children. We both work, myself earning around 36k and him about 37k.


    Since we bought our current home the mortgage is in my name (as he had an error on his credit file due to an issue with the last house - now resolved but wouldn't be in time for our house purchase) This was 2 years ago.
    I also pay the council tax, all of the kids clubs, buy all the kids clothes, I pay a personal loan for a large purchase we made together (I don't want to say what as I feel it may identify me - I know its a big world but I'm nervous re posting this). I take home approx. 1700 - why not 2300ish as it should be? and my essential outgoings are around 1650 - doesn't leave me with much. - A large part of that is presumably the mortgage?
    He pays gas, electric and childcare - childcare is less than 200 per month, gas and electric - I don't know how much this is right now. - he must also pay for food; holidays / days out etc?


    In our previous home, the mortgage was joint named, my parents gave us a deposit, the bill came out of his account but I paid for the childcare (which was way more than the mortgage at the time as both were at a childminder). I always had to ask him for money before the month ran out and when I think about it now I started to become really low in mood around that time. - Surely sorting this out before moving home would've been the best solution?


    Since moving again, I still have to ask him for money at the end of the month. I suggested several times that we should have a bills account and each pay a % of our salary (say50%) into this to cover it and some more for treats or saving etc. For some reason he has never been into the idea. - well at present he's not named on the mortgage; though as you're married that has little impact


    I've found it harder and harder to ask him for money each month, so as a result I have been using my credit card, kidding myself on that everything was fine and under control. - this sounds more like an issue you have (you both) with communication, rather than finances I have accumulated some debt, and when I gave myself a kick up the !!! and moved it to a 0% card and cut it up I took a hard look at my finances,( I have secured a new job which I will start soon , its a pay rise with significant benefits, so I will have more income to pay the card off quicker) - I am left with very little at the end of the month and forced to have to ask for "spendies".
    He has a personal loan, which he says was accumulated costs from when we last moved, and he took out another to clear it but didn't - he says he has been keeping it "just in case" - I am really not all that sure what this loan was really used for. He know tells me he has been keeping this money, just in case I messed up again (I had debt years ago but paid it off with an inheritance)


    I have told him about the credit card, saying that we need to split the household bills as I cant keep pretending that I have more money than I do, and I shouldn't have to ask for money from him, as I find it extremely hard to do this for whatever reason...


    His solution is that I should have my salary paid into his bank account as its the only way he can trust me again. - if you are running up secret debt and expecting him to pay it off there is obviously an element of that breach of trust I suggested again a joint account which we both agree a monthly budget for "free spending each" and the rest goes on the necessities or debt/savings. He says he would feel better if it was all in his account. He will transfer me an allowance weekly or monthly and he will control the rest. - If you are happy with that, go for it (though better if you get it paid to your account and transfer it yourself); if you're not happy, don't


    In my gut this feels very wrong, however I know I betrayed his trust by spending on my credit card and maybe this is the only way I will have his trust again.
    On the other hand, I am a grown woman who made a mistake, realised it and is rectifying it within my means - how am I expected to survive on such a small amount each month? - you rectified it previously from an inheritance, and this time by asking him. That's not with-in your own means


    Is this the punishment for messing up? should I just get on with it? - up to you. I wouldn't. But it sounds like your marriage is pretty shaky; so which is more important?


    A quick Google search tells me that anyone who demands you hand over your salary - he isn't demanding this , doesn't pay half of the household bills - literally millions of people don't pay half the bills (mostly women...) , makes you ask for money - he isn't making you ask for money. This is just a crap relationship but freely spends on themselves are portraying financial abuse, or at the very least bullying...? - no. Maybe I am "catastrophising" I do know I have made mistakes.


    If your still reading - thanks!
    If you have time Id really appreciate an opinion
    Originally posted by thisisme2000


    You need to decide what's more important; your marriage or your principles. (personally I'd take principles everytime)
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 12th Feb 19, 8:34 AM
    • 9,075 Posts
    • 30,233 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    • #4
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:34 AM
    • #4
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:34 AM
    My lasting power of attorney includes several medical tests before the control of my income is taken from me.

    I suggest you ask him to help you find another solution.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 12th Feb 19, 8:47 AM
    • 3,690 Posts
    • 13,299 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    • #5
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:47 AM
    • #5
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:47 AM
    He is, in my opinion, on dodgy ground making part of this into a trust issue when he is not telling you where his money is going and has himself had debts in the past!

    The only way to resolve this is by sitting down and communicating properly with one another - communicating as in the open passing of accurate information not just blah-blah-blah.

    I note that you both work but are housework, garden and car care etc equally shared?

    Is your husband silently resentful that his name is not on the mortgage despite the previous 'glitch' situation now being resolved?

    In your shoes, I would be insisting on a day where the kids are at Grandma's house so that the two members of this [U]partnership[U] can sit down, communicate honestly and [U]together[U] find a better way forward.

    And no, I would not be putting my salary into his account under just about any circumstances. I would not willingly leave myself penniless and dictated to.

    Your suggestion of a separate account for necessary household spending is, in my view, a much more reasoned and sensible way forward.

    Good luck but if he will not compromise, you may have to stop paying some essential bill until he is willing to listen, discuss and think.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 12th Feb 19, 8:49 AM
    • 5,440 Posts
    • 12,317 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    • #6
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:49 AM
    • #6
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:49 AM
    I'm concerned you earn 36,000/year, which is 3,000/month, but only take home 1,700. This is, quite simply, wrong, tax and national insurance on what you are should be hundreds less than that so unless you are paying an absolute fortune into a workplace pension (that you clearly can't afford to) your works payroll is making a colossal error with your earnings.

    The pair of you need to talk openly about money, all aspects of it, with all information on the table and reach an agreement which deals with your unsecured debts and is equitable to both. Your problem in your marriage seems to mostly be communication.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

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    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 12th Feb 19, 8:50 AM
    • 3,493 Posts
    • 6,066 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    • #7
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:50 AM
    • #7
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:50 AM
    You used your credit card rather than asking him for more money. This sends alarm bells ringing straight away.


    He also has loans that you aren't entirely surely what they paid for. More alarm bells.


    You need to insist that you both sit down and talk about money. And if he won't? For me, the alarm bells would be ringing so loud I would have to get out.


    You've read about Financial Abuse - so now that you know what Financial Abuse looks like, and you've compared it to your situation, what do you think is happening?


    Please don't kid yourself that it is punishment that is in any way justified. It's all about control. He wants it. And it's convenient for him if you think that the punishment is justified because it will make you more likely to put up with it. It isn't, and you shouldn't.



    And him wanting your salary paid into his account? No, No, No. Joint account, maybe.
    Last edited by trailingspouse; 12-02-2019 at 1:28 PM.
    • Broadyx
    • By Broadyx 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    • 65 Posts
    • 83 Thanks
    Broadyx
    • #8
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    • #8
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    1700 take home is approx. 26k - i wonder if it was a typo.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    • 7,682 Posts
    • 8,378 Thanks
    Comms69
    • #9
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    • #9
    • 12th Feb 19, 8:52 AM
    I'm concerned you earn 36,000/year, which is 3,000/month, but only take home 1,700. This is, quite simply, wrong, tax and national insurance on what you are should be hundreds less than that so unless you are paying an absolute fortune into a workplace pension (that you clearly can't afford to) your works payroll is making a colossal error with your earnings.

    The pair of you need to talk openly about money, all aspects of it, with all information on the table and reach an agreement which deals with your unsecured debts and is equitable to both. Your problem in your marriage seems to mostly be communication.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99


    Agreed it's 600 less than what she should be getting. (basically too much for a workplace pension)
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 8:57 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    My take home is less due to pension 9.5% and I have a company car deducted from my salary
    • pinknsparkly
    • By pinknsparkly 12th Feb 19, 9:02 AM
    • 330 Posts
    • 752 Thanks
    pinknsparkly
    I wouldn't say that is financial control if you are happy with the arrangement (and many people are - my husband for example puts almost all his salary into our joint account and I deal with all finances. The only difference between our situation and yours is that we are in complete agreement and it is done using a joint account which he has access to, if he ever cared to look!!). However, you are NOT happy with the arrangement. Plus I'd be nervous about these two loans he's got - it doesn't sound like he's telling you the full story with them. Whether that's because he doesn't want to upset you (by telling you exactly why he doesn't trust you financially) or because he's got them for some other reason (such as personal debts that's he racked up). But personally I'd be very nervous about handing over all my money and having no control or knowledge how it was spent, especially if it's being use to pay off debt I didn't know anything about until recently.... You really need to sit down and have a calm, rational discussion about what is important to the both of you and from there find a solution that works.
    MFW 2019 challenge #99: 1440.88 / 6,000
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    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 9:05 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Thanks for your response - I will give more info below


    I'm keen for another perspective on my situation, and given the situation I don't feel I can involve family or friends as they are likely to have a biased opinion.


    I'm married for over 7 years, 2 young children. We both work, myself earning around 36k and him about 37k.


    Since we bought our current home the mortgage is in my name (as he had an error on his credit file due to an issue with the last house - now resolved but wouldn't be in time for our house purchase) This was 2 years ago.
    I also pay the council tax, all of the kids clubs, buy all the kids clothes, I pay a personal loan for a large purchase we made together (I don't want to say what as I feel it may identify me - I know its a big world but I'm nervous re posting this). I take home approx. 1700 - why not 2300ish as it should be? (Pension and a lease car is deducted from my salary directly )and my essential outgoings are around 1650 - doesn't leave me with much. - A large part of that is presumably the mortgage? yes 510
    He pays gas, electric and childcare - childcare is less than 200 per month, gas and electric - I don't know how much this is right now. - he must also pay for food; holidays / days out etc? yes he has all of the control here and decides if and when we can go out to do anything.


    In our previous home, the mortgage was joint named, my parents gave us a deposit, the bill came out of his account but I paid for the childcare (which was way more than the mortgage at the time as both were at a childminder). I always had to ask him for money before the month ran out and when I think about it now I started to become really low in mood around that time. - Surely sorting this out before moving home would've been the best solution? yes I know that but this isnot really helpful right now is it?


    Since moving again, I still have to ask him for money at the end of the month. I suggested several times that we should have a bills account and each pay a % of our salary (say50%) into this to cover it and some more for treats or saving etc. For some reason he has never been into the idea. - well at present he's not named on the mortgage; though as you're married that has little impact


    I've found it harder and harder to ask him for money each month, so as a result I have been using my credit card, kidding myself on that everything was fine and under control. - this sounds more like an issue you have (you both) with communication, rather than finances I have accumulated some debt, and when I gave myself a kick up the !!! and moved it to a 0% card and cut it up I took a hard look at my finances,( I have secured a new job which I will start soon , its a pay rise with significant benefits, so I will have more income to pay the card off quicker) - I am left with very little at the end of the month and forced to have to ask for "spendies".
    He has a personal loan, which he says was accumulated costs from when we last moved, and he took out another to clear it but didn't - he says he has been keeping it "just in case" - I am really not all that sure what this loan was really used for. He know tells me he has been keeping this money, just in case I messed up again (I had debt years ago but paid it off with an inheritance)


    I have told him about the credit card, saying that we need to split the household bills as I cant keep pretending that I have more money than I do, and I shouldn't have to ask for money from him, as I find it extremely hard to do this for whatever reason...


    His solution is that I should have my salary paid into his bank account as its the only way he can trust me again. - if you are running up secret debt and expecting him to pay it off there is obviously an element of that breach of trust (I Do not expect him to pay it off, I was clear from when I told him about it that I am now getting a pay rise and I am going to pay off the card with this new salary - I NEVER asked him for a penny towards this card) I suggested again a joint account which we both agree a monthly budget for "free spending each" and the rest goes on the necessities or debt/savings. He says he would feel better if it was all in his account. He will transfer me an allowance weekly or monthly and he will control the rest. - If you are happy with that, go for it (though better if you get it paid to your account and transfer it yourself); if you're not happy, don't


    In my gut this feels very wrong, however I know I betrayed his trust by spending on my credit card and maybe this is the only way I will have his trust again.
    On the other hand, I am a grown woman who made a mistake, realised it and is rectifying it within my means - how am I expected to survive on such a small amount each month? - you rectified it previously from an inheritance, and this time by asking him. That's not with-in your own means - again I am not asking him to pay my debt, just to half the monthly bills so that I can manage without begging for money from him.


    Is this the punishment for messing up? should I just get on with it? - up to you. I wouldn't. But it sounds like your marriage is pretty shaky; so which is more important?


    A quick Google search tells me that anyone who demands you hand over your salary - he isn't demanding this (he told me that me paying salary into his account is the only way forward) , doesn't pay half of the household bills - literally millions of people don't pay half the bills (mostly women...) whats your point here? , makes you ask for money - he isn't making you ask for money. This is just a crap relationship - I don't get how I am not being forced to ask for money? but freely spends on themselves are portraying financial abuse, or at the very least bullying...? - no. Maybe I am "catastrophising" I do know I have made mistakes.
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 9:22 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Thanks so much Doozergirl,


    I have done my own SOA, I just need to get him to sit down and fill in his part - Its been something I have tried several times before but I just can't him to join in, He does tell me that he has this debt and he has shown me his pay slips. When I looked at the SOA, I struggled to see what he is spending his money on, but I will have to find the right way to approach this with him again.


    Regarding the income everyone is questioning, I pay a large sum to my pension, student loan, lease car, that plus tax is around 1200 in deductions per month, I recently reduced my hours (to allow for childcare) so im really on 34k, the 36k was an error.


    Paddy's mum - re the housework, I decorated the entire house myself, he is a notorious "unfinished job man" as all his friends will berate him for - the garden - that's a sore point, he started it last year but its still an unusable mess. I pay for my car and its maintained through the deal I have at work. House work in general - he does it sometimes but its mostly me, I drop and pick the kids up 90% of the time, he does help.


    I had a word with him at the weekend around this request re him controlling all of the money - I said it feels wrong - he said I know but I think its the only way. I suggest the joint account as before re splitting everything, he says he would just feel better if it was all in his account and I could log in and see it. And that we would do a budget for both of us to stick to, but I don't see why this needs to be done out of his account and not a joint one? he says he is worried ill just go nuts and spend a fortune...?


    Is it worth noting that in my new job I''ll be making the most money?
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 9:28 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Thanks for your post trailing spouse


    You used your credit card rather than asking him for more money. This sends alarm bells ringing straight away.


    He also has loans that you aren't entirely surely what they paid for. More alarm bells.


    You need to insist that you both sit down and talk about money. And if he won't? For me, the alarm bells would be ringing so loud I would have to get out.


    You've read about Financial Abuse - so now that you know what Financial Abuse looks like, and you've compared it to your situation, what do you think is happening?


    I am scared that If I say no I wont hand over my full salary that there's nothing else that can be done here and its just game over, but worried that maybe I am being stubborn and should just do what he asks.


    Please don't kid yourself that it is punishment that is in any way justified. It's all about control. He wants it. And it's convenient for him if you think that the punishment is justified because it will make you more likely to put up with it. It isn't, and you shouldn't.
    Thanks for that - I feel If it was him, which to be honest it has been as he has these loans, I was a bit annoyed but more understanding.



    And him wanting your salary paid into his account? No, No, No. Joint account, maybe.



    Please
    Originally posted by trailingspouse
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 12th Feb 19, 9:29 AM
    • 7,682 Posts
    • 8,378 Thanks
    Comms69
    Thanks for your response - I will give more info below

    I also pay the council tax, all of the kids clubs, buy all the kids clothes, I pay a personal loan for a large purchase we made together (I don't want to say what as I feel it may identify me - I know its a big world but I'm nervous re posting this). I take home approx. 1700 - why not 2300ish as it should be? (Pension and a lease car is deducted from my salary directly )and my essential outgoings are around 1650 - doesn't leave me with much. - A large part of that is presumably the mortgage? yes 510
    He pays gas, electric and childcare - childcare is less than 200 per month, gas and electric - I don't know how much this is right now. - he must also pay for food; holidays / days out etc? yes he has all of the control here and decides if and when we can go out to do anything. - again this is a communication issue. You need to talk to one another


    In our previous home, the mortgage was joint named, my parents gave us a deposit, the bill came out of his account but I paid for the childcare (which was way more than the mortgage at the time as both were at a childminder). I always had to ask him for money before the month ran out and when I think about it now I started to become really low in mood around that time. - Surely sorting this out before moving home would've been the best solution? yes I know that but this isnot really helpful right now is it? - perhaps not, but from now on; talk


    His solution is that I should have my salary paid into his bank account as its the only way he can trust me again. - if you are running up secret debt and expecting him to pay it off there is obviously an element of that breach of trust (I Do not expect him to pay it off, I was clear from when I told him about it that I am now getting a pay rise and I am going to pay off the card with this new salary - I NEVER asked him for a penny towards this card) - you are indirectly though as you are asking him to pay more, so you can pay off this debt I suggested again a joint account which we both agree a monthly budget for "free spending each" and the rest goes on the necessities or debt/savings. He says he would feel better if it was all in his account. He will transfer me an allowance weekly or monthly and he will control the rest. - If you are happy with that, go for it (though better if you get it paid to your account and transfer it yourself); if you're not happy, don't


    In my gut this feels very wrong, however I know I betrayed his trust by spending on my credit card and maybe this is the only way I will have his trust again.
    On the other hand, I am a grown woman who made a mistake, realised it and is rectifying it within my means - how am I expected to survive on such a small amount each month? - you rectified it previously from an inheritance, and this time by asking him. That's not with-in your own means - again I am not asking him to pay my debt, just to half the monthly bills so that I can manage without begging for money from him. - Again communication is key


    Is this the punishment for messing up? should I just get on with it? - up to you. I wouldn't. But it sounds like your marriage is pretty shaky; so which is more important?


    A quick Google search tells me that anyone who demands you hand over your salary - he isn't demanding this (he told me that me paying salary into his account is the only way forward) - that's up to him. If you don't agree; which you don't have to; you simply go your own ways .


    doesn't pay half of the household bills - literally millions of people don't pay half the bills (mostly women...) whats your point here? - my point is that not paying half the bills IS NOT financial abuse.


    makes you ask for money - he isn't making you ask for money. This is just a crap relationship - I don't get how I am not being forced to ask for money? - because you earn your own money. but freely spends on themselves are portraying financial abuse, or at the very least bullying...? - no. Maybe I am "catastrophising" I do know I have made mistakes.
    Originally posted by thisisme2000


    (I've tidied this up somewhat - so OPs replies in blue, mine in red)


    OP I agree that I wouldn't pay my salary to my OH either. But it's not financial abuse. It's a difference of opinions in your marriage
    • billy2shots
    • By billy2shots 12th Feb 19, 9:36 AM
    • 244 Posts
    • 258 Thanks
    billy2shots
    It doesn't sound the best of situations from the perspective you give.

    It's difficult to judge your partner without the full facts and hearing his side of the story.

    You do come across as someone who may lack good communication skills.
    You ran up debt rather than speak to your partner, you are not prepared to talk with friends or family.

    From the little information a stranger can take away from this it seems you both need to sit down and communicate better.
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 9:40 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Thanks so much comms,

    I can't get the hang of changing the colours on my replies - I'll need to figure that out.

    Ok I do take your point of view on board and it's probably how he sees it too.

    Communication has been lacking for some time now and I feel this is possibly a symptom of much bigger problems to be honest. He is very shut down and I have kind of given up trying to speak to him about things as he doesn't give me much back. Spends most of his time at work or sitting on his phone. I am frustrated to be honest.

    He doesn't see things the way I do I guess.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Feb 19, 9:44 AM
    • 30,702 Posts
    • 78,667 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Communication has been lacking for some time now and I feel this is possibly a symptom of much bigger problems to be honest.
    Originally posted by thisisme2000
    The whole thing sounds more like a general relationship problem than financial abuse.

    If he won't sit down with you and complete an SOA and divide the family expenses so that you are both paying out about the same then I don't see any future for you as a couple.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 12th Feb 19, 9:55 AM
    • 7,682 Posts
    • 8,378 Thanks
    Comms69
    Thanks so much comms,

    I can't get the hang of changing the colours on my replies - I'll need to figure that out. - no probs, when you quote, there's a small toolbar (similar to word)

    Ok I do take your point of view on board and it's probably how he sees it too.

    Communication has been lacking for some time now and I feel this is possibly a symptom of much bigger problems to be honest. He is very shut down and I have kind of given up trying to speak to him about things as he doesn't give me much back. Spends most of his time at work or sitting on his phone. I am frustrated to be honest. - Do you make time for each other?

    He doesn't see things the way I do I guess.-conversely you don't see things the way he does
    Originally posted by thisisme2000


    Are you still a couple, or just married?
    • thisisme2000
    • By thisisme2000 12th Feb 19, 10:06 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    thisisme2000
    Comms - we have been married just over 7 yrs.

    I do need to see things from his point of view but it's hard when I can't get the info out of him.

    I think he prefers to be the person who is in charge of the "day to day spending" which he maybe is the only way to move forward.

    Having an agreement with a budget we both can follow then in principle I think this is a good idea, but I don't think this should be in an account I cannot access for the sake of principle - and what if something happens to him - and me and the kids can't access any money?

    Thanks
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