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  • FIRST POST
    • SplashSplish
    • By SplashSplish 10th Feb 19, 6:34 PM
    • 62Posts
    • 46Thanks
    SplashSplish
    Relationship advice please...
    • #1
    • 10th Feb 19, 6:34 PM
    Relationship advice please... 10th Feb 19 at 6:34 PM
    Hi, I'm in a relationship at the moment but looking for any advice possible.

    I've been seeing a divorced mum since Sep 2018, she's nice, funny has her own kids, house job etc.

    I myself am divorced for over 2 years and work away for half the year, when I'm away we talk via FaceTime or text and when I'm home we see each other when possible, however I have found myself not calling as often as I used to.

    She has started to say she loves me quite often and often asks when will I say I love her, also she asked about meeting my family recently as well.

    I'm not sure what's happened in my mind but I really don't have that feeling for her and the more I think about it I can't see it happening soon or ever, as much as I like her.

    We are supposed to be going away at the weekend but the more I think about it the more I think I'm not sure I want to go and maybe I should think about actually saying I don't think I'll ever say those 3 words she wants from me.

    To be honest i's so torn about what to do especially as its valentines coming up and she keeps on going on about cards...
Page 1
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 10th Feb 19, 6:36 PM
    • 5,867 Posts
    • 27,255 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #2
    • 10th Feb 19, 6:36 PM
    • #2
    • 10th Feb 19, 6:36 PM
    Be honest with her - she obviously is wanting to take the relationship to the next level, and you aren't even sure that you are both on the same level at the moment.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 10th Feb 19, 6:47 PM
    • 1,554 Posts
    • 3,098 Thanks
    harrys nan
    • #3
    • 10th Feb 19, 6:47 PM
    • #3
    • 10th Feb 19, 6:47 PM
    You really need to tell how you feel, yes I know it will probably hurt her, but unless you tell her she will think that all is well between you both.
    Just explain, you need to be honest with her.
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 10th Feb 19, 7:54 PM
    • 3,448 Posts
    • 5,864 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    • #4
    • 10th Feb 19, 7:54 PM
    • #4
    • 10th Feb 19, 7:54 PM
    Tell her. She won't be surprised.


    In the words of the song - if you love her let her know - if you don't, let her go.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 10th Feb 19, 8:25 PM
    • 16,782 Posts
    • 12,920 Thanks
    hollydays
    • #5
    • 10th Feb 19, 8:25 PM
    • #5
    • 10th Feb 19, 8:25 PM
    No one should be pressured to say you love someone .
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 10th Feb 19, 9:04 PM
    • 8,971 Posts
    • 16,416 Thanks
    calleyw
    • #6
    • 10th Feb 19, 9:04 PM
    • #6
    • 10th Feb 19, 9:04 PM
    When my partner told me after only about 6 weeks he loved me. I was shocked and had to be truthful and tell him I could not say that yet.


    And he was fine about it and understood. It was a few weeks later I was able to tell him I loved him too.


    If you don't feel the the euphoria of being in a new relationship and questioning it after 4 months I would say that you need to be truthful with her. As stringing her along would be even more painful on both sides.


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th Feb 19, 10:10 PM
    • 11,341 Posts
    • 15,074 Thanks
    hazyjo
    • #7
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:10 PM
    • #7
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:10 PM
    To put it bluntly, you just ain't that into her and I think you should end it now. Time flies and before you know it, it'll be 3 or 4 years down the line and you'll be thinking how the hell did I get here..

    Time to walk. Ignore Valentine's Day, personally I'd do it tonight.
    2019 wins: Still waiting...
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 10th Feb 19, 10:50 PM
    • 1,362 Posts
    • 3,590 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    • #8
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:50 PM
    • #8
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:50 PM
    I concur with the above.

    I think you should end it now. Don't waste your / her time by going away for the weekend

    Do it in person though
    • SplashSplish
    • By SplashSplish 10th Feb 19, 10:53 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 46 Thanks
    SplashSplish
    • #9
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:53 PM
    • #9
    • 10th Feb 19, 10:53 PM
    Thanks all, I'm feeling like crap as this has been playing on my mind over the last 4 or 5 days, as much as I'd like to say I'll end it in person the truth is I hate this side of things and will probably send a message or phone call, appreciate it's not the manly thing to do but I've never been good at ending something...

    This lady deserves someone who could say those 3 words as much as I'm sure I'll be public enemy number one I think it is totally for the best...

    I bloody hate this dating game...
    • *max*
    • By *max* 10th Feb 19, 11:27 PM
    • 2,867 Posts
    • 13,509 Thanks
    *max*
    Thanks all, I'm feeling like crap as this has been playing on my mind over the last 4 or 5 days, as much as I'd like to say I'll end it in person the truth is I hate this side of things and will probably send a message or phone call, appreciate it's not the manly thing to do but I've never been good at ending something...

    This lady deserves someone who could say those 3 words as much as I'm sure I'll be public enemy number one I think it is totally for the best...

    I bloody hate this dating game...
    Originally posted by SplashSplish
    Oh please, it's not about being "manly" or whatever other nonsense. It's about being an adult and a responsible person who thinks about other people's feelings. Do it by text and she'll never get closure, she'll always wonder - I guarantee it. You just don't end a 6 months relationship by text or voicemail unless you're 17. You meet up, take a deep breath, and explain. She most likely knows, or has an inkling already anyway. Don't be an idiot an do the adult thing. It'll be sh!t, and it'll be hard but it'll be done.
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 11th Feb 19, 7:31 AM
    • 3,448 Posts
    • 5,864 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    What's manly about it?? I'm female, and I would do it in person. It's courteous, it's repectful.


    You can use Valentines as a lead in - 'With Valentines Day coming up I've realised I can't say I love you'. Etc.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 11th Feb 19, 7:51 AM
    • 5,248 Posts
    • 11,748 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    You just don't end a 6 months relationship by text or voicemail unless you're 17.
    Originally posted by *max*
    Friend of mine got dumped by text after 18 months together. Both of them late 40s. For some people apparently that is how you do things now.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • gt568
    • By gt568 11th Feb 19, 7:58 AM
    • 1,725 Posts
    • 2,927 Thanks
    gt568
    Time to give her the spanish archer.
    Down with the signature fascists!!
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Feb 19, 8:13 AM
    • 5,867 Posts
    • 27,255 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Thanks all, I'm feeling like crap as this has been playing on my mind over the last 4 or 5 days, as much as I'd like to say I'll end it in person the truth is I hate this side of things and will probably send a message or phone call, appreciate it's not the manly thing to do but I've never been good at ending something...

    This lady deserves someone who could say those 3 words as much as I'm sure I'll be public enemy number one I think it is totally for the best...

    I bloody hate this dating game...
    Originally posted by SplashSplish
    If you cannot do it in person, then you are worse than a worm! Do the right thing for this woman - not for you - and tell her in person that as you do not feel the same for her as she does for you, it is not being fair to keep "stringing her along". Please do the right thing and end this relationship in the correct way.
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 11th Feb 19, 8:22 AM
    • 1,589 Posts
    • 2,318 Thanks
    Ozzuk
    If you think it is awkward for you, then imagine how she feels, she's invested her time in you, has feelings for you and you can't even be bothered to have an adult conversation with her. I guarantee she will feel worse than you, and as soon as its done you'll feel fine (relieved) - she won't.

    You know what you need to do.
    • Seanymph
    • By Seanymph 11th Feb 19, 8:59 AM
    • 2,710 Posts
    • 18,129 Thanks
    Seanymph
    I don't think you have to do it in person. But I think you have to do it - so whichever way means you can be honest, go that way.......

    By phone is fine, pick a time when you know she is free and not looking after her children, perhaps late in the evening, be gentle and honest, and just say that she is amazing, but you have come to realise whilst you feel strongly for her she isn't for you and it seems more fair to tell her now.

    Dating is about interviewing people for the position of permanent right? Well, you have put some time and opportunity into this and she isn't right for you - it isn't dating that's awful, dating is fun! What's awful is when you are dating and don't walk away when you should for whatever reason. And when one of you is out of synch with the other.

    Rip off the plaster - and well done you for doing it when you realised. Many people would have ghosted her or used all sorts of other passive aggressive rubbish - top tip - don't say 'it's not you it's me...'.

    Good luck with your next try!
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 11th Feb 19, 9:39 AM
    • 11,341 Posts
    • 15,074 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Also don't think you have to do it in person. I crack under rejection, and would actually much prefer someone to dump me by phone. Text is way too impersonal I think, but a conversation is fine. If I thought I was glamming up for a date or looking forward to seeing someone in person only to get there and be dumped, my bottom lip would be going (even if I sort of agreed with them or thought it wasn't working). It's just the way I was made. Too sensitive. And the last thing you want someone to see/know. I put on a tough exterior.
    2019 wins: Still waiting...
    • gt568
    • By gt568 11th Feb 19, 12:08 PM
    • 1,725 Posts
    • 2,927 Thanks
    gt568
    Write a letter, go old skool!


    Dear Baby,


    Welcome to dumpsville. Population: You.


    Down with the signature fascists!!
    • mikeeboy
    • By mikeeboy 11th Feb 19, 1:26 PM
    • 156 Posts
    • 93 Thanks
    mikeeboy
    Relationships are crap aren't they. Two people, enjoy each other's company, having fun etc. One person says 'I love you' and now they have to split up!

    Doesn't make sense
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 11th Feb 19, 2:54 PM
    • 5,248 Posts
    • 11,748 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    Relationships are crap aren't they. Two people, enjoy each other's company, having fun etc. One person says 'I love you' and now they have to split up!

    Doesn't make sense
    Originally posted by mikeeboy
    It forces the other to think about the future and where (if anywhere at all) they feel the relationship is going.

    Anything 'big' in terms of the relationship upsets the inertia and can force a re-evaluation, which may be a positive or a negative.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
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