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  • FIRST POST
    • ~ Daisy ~
    • By ~ Daisy ~ 3rd Feb 19, 7:07 PM
    • 47Posts
    • 49Thanks
    ~ Daisy ~
    Not being born a son.
    • #1
    • 3rd Feb 19, 7:07 PM
    Not being born a son. 3rd Feb 19 at 7:07 PM
    Odd title, but thats it in a nutshell.
    I have 2 brothers one 4 years older, one 2 years younger.......... I'm not in my 20's anymore or 30's......... It all about the game in my Father's eyes, Rugby not Football, if it makes any difference.

    At the moment my Dad and younger brother are in Ireland for the six nations, next weekend, my Dad and older brother will be at Twickerham, weekend after who knows.......

    This is not a one off, this is how it has been for all of my adult life,
    Next year they will go to Rome to watch the match.

    My brothers do not pay to go, or not all of their individual costs.
    I completely feel left behind being only a girl......and this is all season not just during this 'important' bit of the year.

    I'm not sure what my question should be, but was wondering if anyone had any ideas that m,ight help me feel less unimportant.
Page 3
    • ~ Daisy ~
    • By ~ Daisy ~ 4th Feb 19, 4:35 PM
    • 47 Posts
    • 49 Thanks
    ~ Daisy ~
    You haven't said whether you follow rugby? Do you talk about it eith them?

    I love it and follow the Welsh area sides, supporting Ospreys, but now warming to RGC (Rygbi Gogledd Cymru).

    The Six Nations is a highlight if my year. Unfortunately, tickets are too expensive this year, although Wales v Scotland is my favourite. We've met the same Scottish club every year in Cardiff.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    Yes I do, earliest memories are being at a local club,as a small child changing the scoreboard etc, getting more magic water for the medic.
    Cooking and serving after match food, and once over 18 I worked the bar, my whole family had roles to play.

    I watch the 6 nations and the world cup and understand the rules too, we have 2 local clubs and I attend maybe 5 or 6 games a season, so not many but enough to keep my hand in.
    • OldMusicGuy
    • By OldMusicGuy 4th Feb 19, 4:46 PM
    • 894 Posts
    • 1,940 Thanks
    OldMusicGuy
    I will speak to my Dad, but it does seem like it will come across as stamping my feet abit, and I wouldnt want him to think that he has upset me just by doing the things he loves with others and not me.
    Originally posted by ~ Daisy ~
    Personally I wouldn't bother. If your dad doesn't have the emotional intelligence to realise after all these years that he is being inconsiderate, you "having a word" isn't going to change him. You will just sour the relationship between you even more.

    Part of any relationship is give and take IMO. You may do things that you want to do but at other times you do things that other family members want to do, even if it isn't your choice. You don't just do what you want all the time. If your dad doesn't realise that, he is a self-centred person. It's unlikely you will change his attitude by pointing this out.

    Does your dad make up for the rugby weekends in other ways? Or is it always a case that "the ladies" get left behind to do "their thing" while "the boys" do their thing? If the latter, he may have some deep rooted "traditional" (aka sexist) attitudes that will be hard to change with a little "chat" and may make things worse between you. Only you know your dad well enough to make that call.

    FWIW my wife had an unhappy childhood. However, she spends a lot of time looking after her old dad now even though he did very little to help her when she was younger and her home life was pretty awful (her siblings did not help things either). However, her dad doesn't see it that way at all and to force him to admit it now would just be unpleasant for all involved. My wife (bless her) just gets on with it and gets over it. At times she would like to get the past "off her chest" but by letting it go we get on fine with her dad, who won't be around for ever. Sometimes it's better to look forward rather than back.

    EDIT: I just read your previous post. Your dad sounds a bit like mine. He did a lot with us, provided it was what he wanted to do. He was into sports in a big way, so everything we did when we were younger revolved around his sporting activities. Fortunately my mum shared some of those interests, so it was a kind of family thing. However, my dad never did any of the things I wanted to do, I was just left to get on with them on my own. It would have been nice to have my dad supporting me in them.

    My dad was a lovely man and I had a fantastic home life but I think we missed out on a lot of things we could have done together. It's a mistake I tried not to make with my son. Although we had some shared interests, I always made sure not to force him to do what I wanted all the time and when he got into his own interests, I tried to share those with him.
    Last edited by OldMusicGuy; 04-02-2019 at 4:54 PM.
    • maman
    • By maman 4th Feb 19, 4:56 PM
    • 19,570 Posts
    • 117,008 Thanks
    maman
    Yes I do, earliest memories are being at a local club,as a small child changing the scoreboard etc, getting more magic water for the medic.
    Cooking and serving after match food, and once over 18 I worked the bar, my whole family had roles to play.

    I watch the 6 nations and the world cup and understand the rules too, we have 2 local clubs and I attend maybe 5 or 6 games a season, so not many but enough to keep my hand in.
    Originally posted by ~ Daisy ~

    So, any idea when it all slowed down and why?


    It will depend how you approach it with your dad. It doesn't need to sound like foot stamping. Ask him about this last weekend in Dublin, tell him it sounds great and ask if you can go next time.


    It does seem unfair to decide that he's favouring his sons when you haven't even asked about it.
    • ~ Daisy ~
    • By ~ Daisy ~ 4th Feb 19, 5:12 PM
    • 47 Posts
    • 49 Thanks
    ~ Daisy ~
    So, any idea when it all slowed down and why?


    It will depend how you approach it with your dad. It doesn't need to sound like foot stamping. Ask him about this last weekend in Dublin, tell him it sounds great and ask if you can go next time.


    It does seem unfair to decide that he's favouring his sons when you haven't even asked about it.
    Originally posted by maman
    All sorts of reasons, family, children, work, it slowed down for my brothers and I when our children were young and we had bigger commitments.

    I need to speak to my Dad,for my own peace of mind.
    • welshbabe88
    • By welshbabe88 4th Feb 19, 5:30 PM
    • 79 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    welshbabe88
    Yes no need to make a big thing of it - if they are going abroad for a weekend why not just say - 'oh that sounds like fun - can mum & I come too?' - or do you want to go with your dad on his own?


    Otherwise why not plan a weekend away with your mum somewhere nice. Or if you want to see your dad and mum together maybe take them out for a meal.
    • belfastgirl23
    • By belfastgirl23 4th Feb 19, 5:47 PM
    • 7,746 Posts
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    belfastgirl23

    It all sounds so very childish

    Certainly given me food for thought.
    Originally posted by ~ Daisy ~
    It is really horrible when you know youíre being childish or irrational but you canít stop yourself from feeling what you feel. Well done for acknowledging it. And if it helps we all have hot button issues like this!

    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 4th Feb 19, 6:12 PM
    • 4,080 Posts
    • 4,499 Thanks
    Marvel1
    Would you enjoy it and join in the singing and stuff.

    I invited a mate to a home game a few years as I had tickets, for them it was for the drinking in the pub, me it's the game at the stadium, the atmosphere, joining in - during the game they sat there like a lemon on their phone at times - never got invited again - still mates now though.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 4th Feb 19, 7:23 PM
    • 4,942 Posts
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    barbiedoll
    Daisy...Iím sure that your dad loves you just as much as he does your brothers. But if heís a ďmanís manĒ, he may not know how to show it.

    It has probably never occurred to him that youíd enjoy a weekend away at the rugby. He may think that itís no place for a grown woman (stupid, I know!) Or it could just be that he doesnít think that you have much in common with each other and he finds it harder to relate to you.

    Is there anything that you and your dad both enjoy? Music, films, museums, art galleries etc? You could try asking him out for a day, just the two of you. Tell him that youíd like to spend some time with him, he may just never have thought of even suggesting that to you.

    If you donít ask, you wonít get!
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 6th Feb 19, 8:50 AM
    • 7,856 Posts
    • 17,390 Thanks
    heartbreak_star
    3 nights for a few hours of the game on Sat.

    There is more going on most of Sat free and all of Sunday.

    All could have gone they would be done by 8pm nice family dinner evening out.
    Originally posted by getmore4less
    In theory, a lovely idea.

    In actuality, I would be impressed if it actually happened. Example - Saturday's later game KOed at 16.45. I got in about 10, and that was an early night...

    What you'd probably have is an even bigger divide as those who went to the game frothed about it and those who didn't got left out.

    For a joint weekend away I'd be inclined to do something the next morning and have a family lunch (finishing before 3pm )

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Starmer4PM #Bremainer
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 6th Feb 19, 10:56 AM
    • 1,491 Posts
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    Poor_Single_lady
    Yes if youíre buzzing from a game the last thing you want is an enforced sit down family meal. Thatís if you can make yourself walk past everyone you know in the pub and force yourself to go home.

    My sister followed football as a child but now at a game has a face like a sour lemon. Constantly points at people in the crowd and asks what they are doing, asks what time it finishes, Complains about being cold and clearly would rather be anywhere else.

    Iím not against women at sports - being one myself but donít go to a game just because iou think you are missing out.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 6th Feb 19, 12:06 PM
    • 7,856 Posts
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    heartbreak_star
    Thatís if you can make yourself walk past everyone you know in the pub and force yourself to go home.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    I couldn't - apparently on Saturday my partner asked "how drunk are you?" and I replied "ah, I'm fine, I'm England-won drunk"

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Starmer4PM #Bremainer
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 6th Feb 19, 12:49 PM
    • 30,709 Posts
    • 78,685 Thanks
    Mojisola
    My sister followed football as a child but now at a game has a face like a sour lemon. Constantly points at people in the crowd and asks what they are doing, asks what time it finishes, Complains about being cold and clearly would rather be anywhere else.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    Why does she go?
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 6th Feb 19, 8:00 PM
    • 1,491 Posts
    • 5,809 Thanks
    Poor_Single_lady
    Because Fear-of-missing-out is very powerful.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 6th Feb 19, 8:53 PM
    • 1,418 Posts
    • 3,710 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    There are some very scathing comments to be read on here, ie accusing OPs dad of not having any emotional intelligence, to name one. Really not fair
    • ~ Daisy ~
    • By ~ Daisy ~ 7th Feb 19, 4:47 PM
    • 47 Posts
    • 49 Thanks
    ~ Daisy ~
    There are some very scathing comments to be read on here, ie accusing OPs dad of not having any emotional intelligence, to name one. Really not fair
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider
    Yes, I was feeling this too, just for the recored my Dad is wonderful in many many ways. And he is the only Dad I have!

    It is my issue not his and as many have said he is probably not even aware of it.

    Having voiced my frustrations has helped and will talk to him when time and oppotuninity allows.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 7th Feb 19, 5:06 PM
    • 5,912 Posts
    • 27,550 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Your dad is aged what? Late 70s? Unless you (or your mum) have dragged him, screaming and kicking into the 21st Century, he is a man of HIS time - when a dad and his lads would go to the matches, to the pub afterwards, etc etc etc. Why don't you just tell him - "oh - next rugby match, I'm coming too" Don't ask - just tell him! You don't need permission to join him and your brothers! Actually - how old are your children? Why don't you take them (plus your OH) to introduce them to the game too.

    Whilst I was never too keen to go and watch the rugby ....spent far too many Saturday afternoons trying to keep warm behind a tree, watching OH, then too many Sunday mornings watching my 3 sons getting the life kicked out of them/kicking the life out of other mums' sons) my daughter was so keen - and now, with her OH plus two offspring, they follow England all around the world! Me - I'm happy to ignore it all now :-D - and your mum may well be the same!
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Feb 19, 7:20 PM
    • 39,713 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    Actually Mum may be another reason Dad doesn't invite the OP to join the boys: thinking that she won't be left on her own while 'the boys' are off watching a big game.

    And / or plus Dad expecting that if the OP wants to go, she and her DH will do so.
    Still knitting!
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    • liney
    • By liney 10th Feb 19, 9:18 AM
    • 4,887 Posts
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    liney
    That's exactly what I was thinking Sue. If mom were to start being left on her own, mom might start giving dad a hard time about going away so often, so his reasoning is to keep mom happy by excluding Daisy...
    "On behalf of teachers, I'd like to dedicate this award to Michael Gove and I mean dedicate in the Anglo Saxon sense which means insert roughly into the anus of." My hero, Mr Steer.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 10th Feb 19, 10:09 AM
    • 1,125 Posts
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    chesky
    You don't really mention your own partner and children very much. Why don't you all go as a family and join your father and brothers.
    • ~ Daisy ~
    • By ~ Daisy ~ 10th Feb 19, 1:16 PM
    • 47 Posts
    • 49 Thanks
    ~ Daisy ~
    You don't really mention your own partner and children very much. Why don't you all go as a family and join your father and brothers.
    Originally posted by chesky

    I dont need to mention my own partner and children, they are 25, 28 and 32........ and my partner is happy to watch matches on the TV, goes to a few local games etc, this was never about them, suffice to say my own children could go if they wished, and have done before.

    This was not about what I do with my own children or husband but about my Dad and I.
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