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    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 23rd Jan 19, 4:01 PM
    • 2,704Posts
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    chelseablue
    Husband leaving after 7 months
    • #1
    • 23rd Jan 19, 4:01 PM
    Husband leaving after 7 months 23rd Jan 19 at 4:01 PM
    Cant believe I'm typing this but here goes

    Me and my husband have been together for 6 years, we have a son together

    We only got married 7 months ago

    Last night he dropped the bombshell that he doesn't love me and wants us to separate.

    I'm absolutely devastated

    I said why did you get married then? He said he felt at the time that he couldn't cancel as our parents had contributed towards the cost and it was too late to back out

    We own our house and yesterday he moved into the spare room

    Just not sure what to do

    Not sure why I'm posting really
Page 1
    • Jox
    • By Jox 23rd Jan 19, 4:03 PM
    • 1,387 Posts
    • 2,872 Thanks
    Jox
    • #2
    • 23rd Jan 19, 4:03 PM
    • #2
    • 23rd Jan 19, 4:03 PM
    Sorry to hear that....not sure what to say but thinking of you, maybe you could try relationship counselling? Hope you have support in RL x
    • MushyPeas
    • By MushyPeas 23rd Jan 19, 4:04 PM
    • 3,073 Posts
    • 7,823 Thanks
    MushyPeas
    • #3
    • 23rd Jan 19, 4:04 PM
    • #3
    • 23rd Jan 19, 4:04 PM
    Sorry to read about this, such a shock

    Counselling sounds a good suggestion, it's worth a try x
    Previous debt: 14K Debt free: Sept '03 MFW#42 Mortgage OP savings 3433.72/12000 2019 Started dating OH Mar '12, married Oct '12, Walnut born Dec ' 12 SPC 12: 99 38.05/500 Make money Jan: 412.34/310 Feb: 88.79/280
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 23rd Jan 19, 7:34 PM
    • 314 Posts
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    Doodles
    • #4
    • 23rd Jan 19, 7:34 PM
    • #4
    • 23rd Jan 19, 7:34 PM
    Big hugs to you, what a terrible shock.

    Agree with others, perhaps suggest marriage counselling to him.

    If you have any good friends or family, then lean on them for support to get you through this.
    We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.

    Dracula, Bram Stoker
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 23rd Jan 19, 7:51 PM
    • 4,975 Posts
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    74jax
    • #5
    • 23rd Jan 19, 7:51 PM
    • #5
    • 23rd Jan 19, 7:51 PM
    I know you posted not long ago he was not looking forward to turning 30 and that he felt he wasn't ready to leave his 20s behind. Do you think this is linked?

    Were there any signs at all? Him saying he didn't feel he could cancel the wedding as his parents had contributed towards it, doesn't really make sense as they have still contributed, so I'm not sure what he means...
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 24th Jan 19, 10:51 AM
    • 11,603 Posts
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    hazyjo
    • #6
    • 24th Jan 19, 10:51 AM
    • #6
    • 24th Jan 19, 10:51 AM
    I feel your pain. Was with my first husband for 6 ish years before we got married (I was 30, he was around 37).

    He left me after being married for 3 months. Also actually said 'I'm not sure if I love you any more'. I was devastated.

    I had been slightly suspicious that he might be seeing his secretary. She came to our wedding with her husband. He had denied it.

    A couple of days after he moved out, he admitted to my mum he'd been seeing her (they were friends). He still couldn't tell me, and still lied to me about still seeing her a few months later when he was begging to come back. The affair started 3 days before our wedding

    (They are now married. She got pregnant very soon after he left me.)

    Not saying there definitely is someone else involved, but bear it in mind... I find that men very rarely leave a marriage (especially with kids) unless there's another woman. Have you had any suspicions? Any signs? Might not be the case, obviously! Could just be like you mentioned before and he's not ready to settle down (bit late to be telling you, and he'll probably regret it, but I doubt he'll be changing his mind until he makes the split).

    All the best x
    Last edited by hazyjo; 24-01-2019 at 10:53 AM.
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn...
    • cheeky-peach
    • By cheeky-peach 24th Jan 19, 1:08 PM
    • 81 Posts
    • 124 Thanks
    cheeky-peach
    • #7
    • 24th Jan 19, 1:08 PM
    • #7
    • 24th Jan 19, 1:08 PM
    I am so sorry to read this, Chelsea. Really hope you are as ok as you can be x
    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 25th Jan 19, 9:28 AM
    • 2,704 Posts
    • 3,149 Thanks
    chelseablue
    • #8
    • 25th Jan 19, 9:28 AM
    • #8
    • 25th Jan 19, 9:28 AM
    I feel your pain. Was with my first husband for 6 ish years before we got married (I was 30, he was around 37).

    He left me after being married for 3 months. Also actually said 'I'm not sure if I love you any more'. I was devastated.

    I had been slightly suspicious that he might be seeing his secretary. She came to our wedding with her husband. He had denied it.

    A couple of days after he moved out, he admitted to my mum he'd been seeing her (they were friends). He still couldn't tell me, and still lied to me about still seeing her a few months later when he was begging to come back. The affair started 3 days before our wedding

    (They are now married. She got pregnant very soon after he left me.)

    Not saying there definitely is someone else involved, but bear it in mind... I find that men very rarely leave a marriage (especially with kids) unless there's another woman. Have you had any suspicions? Any signs? Might not be the case, obviously! Could just be like you mentioned before and he's not ready to settle down (bit late to be telling you, and he'll probably regret it, but I doubt he'll be changing his mind until he makes the split).

    All the best x
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    A month after the wedding I saw very suggestive messages between him and a girl who worked at our sons nursery. So it could be her.
    Although that doesn't explain why he's moved into the spare room. Surely if there was someone else he'd move out, as he can hardly bring a woman back to our house
    • chesky
    • By chesky 25th Jan 19, 11:12 AM
    • 1,125 Posts
    • 1,917 Thanks
    chesky
    • #9
    • 25th Jan 19, 11:12 AM
    • #9
    • 25th Jan 19, 11:12 AM
    Moving into the spare room is what he considers the first stage of separation - he's making a statement.

    And don't be too sure about him not bringing someone back to the house - it's been done before. Unless you're at home all day, you can't be certain.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 25th Jan 19, 11:18 AM
    • 66,154 Posts
    • 388,536 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    M

    And don't be too sure about him not bringing someone back to the house - it's been done before. Unless you're at home all day, you can't be certain.
    Originally posted by chesky
    And, as it's his home too, that's his right.
    • kazwookie
    • By kazwookie 25th Jan 19, 11:23 AM
    • 10,487 Posts
    • 127,638 Thanks
    kazwookie
    Have you had the chance to ask him, what why he wants to go?

    I wish you well.
    Sun, Sea
    Slinky is back on! - 23 and counting
    I can do this, I will do this...
    • chesky
    • By chesky 25th Jan 19, 11:41 AM
    • 1,125 Posts
    • 1,917 Thanks
    chesky
    And, as it's his home too, that's his right.
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    I wouldn't say it's his right, certainly not morally or ethically, if he was committing adultery.
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 25th Jan 19, 12:17 PM
    • 1,793 Posts
    • 4,451 Thanks
    NaughtiusMaximus
    I wouldn't say it's his right, certainly not morally or ethically, if he was committing adultery.
    Originally posted by chesky
    Not morally or ethically but it is his legal right.
    • savalittle.
    • By savalittle. 12th Feb 19, 9:08 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 13 Thanks
    savalittle.
    Have you and DH got anywhere sorting this or does he say its all over, hoping it gets sorted.
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 13th Feb 19, 1:02 PM
    • 3,368 Posts
    • 3,326 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    Sorry it has happened. My mum had this happen twice, was with them several years then within the year of being married they separated. It is rubbish though.

    Possibly give him time, but don’t let him walk all over you as then he will think he can carry on playing mind games
    roll on 27th April 2019 or there abouts *39 done* = *1 to go*
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Feb 19, 9:02 AM
    • 11,603 Posts
    • 15,490 Thanks
    hazyjo
    A month after the wedding I saw very suggestive messages between him and a girl who worked at our sons nursery. So it could be her.
    Although that doesn't explain why he's moved into the spare room. Surely if there was someone else he'd move out, as he can hardly bring a woman back to our house
    Originally posted by chelseablue
    My ex was in hotel/motel rooms, and at her sister's house. His best mate also covered for him. I should imagine things also happened at their workplace.


    My friend has gone through it too and her ex husband also had family covering for him and his new GF. It's amazing what your own friends and family will do if you're the one having the affair. They will often just say 'I don't want to get involved, but if X is making you happy and you were unhappy with your wife, then I'm not going to stop you'. They often get spun lines beforehand in the build up to the affair - 'she's always nagging/moaning/doesn't show me affection/I'm in the spare room/we don't sleep together any more/we argue/she's always working or talking about the kids/no 'us' time/blah blah blah... the list will go on.


    Works the other way too - I'm not man-bashing lol. Women are just as bad.


    Has he (apparently) been seeing more of any friends or family recently?
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn...
    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 15th Feb 19, 8:41 AM
    • 2,704 Posts
    • 3,149 Thanks
    chelseablue
    He's been out about 3 times in the last month, and has always been home before 11 so I don't think he's seeing anybody (but who knows!)
    • groovy_chick
    • By groovy_chick 15th Feb 19, 9:20 AM
    • 78 Posts
    • 276 Thanks
    groovy_chick
    I agree with Hazyjo, men rarely leave a relationship unless there is someone new.

    "Man is like a monkey, it won't let go of one branch until it has hold of another"

    When my husband started his affair, he lost weight, started wearing more designer clothes and said he wasn't sure if he loved me any more, when in actual fact he was sleeping with the barmaid. He didn't go straight for moving out, he asked for a trial separation - I think they do it because they are too chicken to make the big move all at once.

    If he is seeing the girl at the Nursery, counselling won't help, but finding out what is going on will. Does he do all the Nursery drop-offs? Can you suggest that you do them and see whether he makes excuses for him to continue?

    He is letting you and your son down, don't get sad - get mad! I wish I had been more assertive when my husband was playing around instead of letting him walk all over me.

    Sending hugs x
    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 15th Feb 19, 9:28 AM
    • 2,704 Posts
    • 3,149 Thanks
    chelseablue
    I agree with Hazyjo, men rarely leave a relationship unless there is someone new.

    "Man is like a monkey, it won't let go of one branch until it has hold of another"

    When my husband started his affair, he lost weight, started wearing more designer clothes and said he wasn't sure if he loved me any more, when in actual fact he was sleeping with the barmaid. He didn't go straight for moving out, he asked for a trial separation - I think they do it because they are too chicken to make the big move all at once.

    If he is seeing the girl at the Nursery, counselling won't help, but finding out what is going on will. Does he do all the Nursery drop-offs? Can you suggest that you do them and see whether he makes excuses for him to continue?

    He is letting you and your son down, don't get sad - get mad! I wish I had been more assertive when my husband was playing around instead of letting him walk all over me.

    Sending hugs x
    Originally posted by groovy_chick
    My son doesn't go to the nursery now as he started school in September.
    I had a nose on her facebook and it seems she had a baby around 5 months ago so doubt she'd be able to go on nights out with my husband very much!

    Feeling very p!ssed off today, think I'll treat myself tonight to a takeaway!
    • groovy_chick
    • By groovy_chick 15th Feb 19, 9:37 AM
    • 78 Posts
    • 276 Thanks
    groovy_chick
    Feeling very p!ssed off today, think I'll treat myself tonight to a takeaway!
    Originally posted by chelseablue
    Maybe you should go out and have that takeaway with a friend while he stays in with your son - he can see what Friday nights will be like when he is a weekend Dad.
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