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    • sjwomersley
    • By sjwomersley 13th Dec 18, 2:46 PM
    • 9Posts
    • 6Thanks
    Discussing debt with my partner
    • #1
    • 13th Dec 18, 2:46 PM
    Discussing debt with my partner 13th Dec 18 at 2:46 PM

    Sorry if this is the wrong forum. The debts one wasn't accepting new threads.

    Earlier this year I discovered that my fiance was overdrawn by about 1,500. She doesn't like talking about money but I had to discuss this with her and we came up with a plan to gradually pay off the overdraft on a monthly basis.

    The plan was:
    1) Setup a new current account with no overdraft facility for her everyday spending.
    2) Leave the debit card of the overdrawn account at home and stop using the account.
    3) Her salary gets paid into our joint current account that we both have access to - each month I send money to her overdrawn account, her savings account, keep enough in our joint account for her share of the bills and then send the remaining 300 to her new current account.
    4) The 300 which goes into her new current account can be spent on anything, it doesn't matter as allowances have already been made for her overdraft, savings and essential spending. Once the 300 has gone it's gone.

    Until recently I have been under the impression that this plan has been working and her overdraft is being reduced, however, I have found out that it has actually got worse and she now owes 2,200.

    Since we came up with the plan earlier this year (August/September), about 1000 has been paid into her overdrawn account and 1,200 has been paid into her new current account. As the debt has increased this means she has spent 2,200 in the last 3/4 months. I absolutely wasn't expecting her to not spend anything on luxuries or non-essential stuff, but the thing is, she has nothing at all to show for all this spending apart from recently when she has bought Christmas presents (which I know only account for about 300 at most).

    I need to talk about all this with her but based on past financial conversations I don't think it will go down well. I just want to help her get out of debt so we don't start our marriage with money problems. In the past she has accused me of just wanting to control her spending but this is absolutely not the case, I don't care what she buys as long as she has the money to pay for it without getting into debt.

    I just need help with how to talk to my partner about this...

    Thanks in advance.
Page 3
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 14th Dec 18, 6:01 PM
    • 13,750 Posts
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    Who doesnt notice when their uber, takeaway and amazon purchases don't come out of their very tight budget each month.

    This really doesnt sound legitimate. She must have known. How else did she think they were being paid for.
    Originally posted by HampshireH
    Not everyone reconciles their bank statements. It wasn't until I worked in a bank's internet banking call centre that I realised just how few people have a clue about what's coming in and going out of their bank accounts.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 14th Dec 18, 6:42 PM
    • 35,486 Posts
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    Who doesnt notice when their uber, takeaway and amazon purchases don't come out of their very tight budget each month.

    This really doesnt sound legitimate. She must have known. How else did she think they were being paid for.
    Originally posted by HampshireH
    Were none of these ubers and takeaways shared and should be coming out of joint expenses.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 14th Dec 18, 7:03 PM
    • 4,527 Posts
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    I got a loot card where by you add a sum of money & it works out how much is your daily budget.....certainly makes me think about each purchase.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge

    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • ophiuchus
    • By ophiuchus 15th Dec 18, 1:24 PM
    • 201 Posts
    • 317 Thanks
    She is a careless spender.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Once food, shelter and clothing have been paid for, shopping is largely an emotional thing.

    It could be that she needs to keep up appearances at work, going out to work lunches with colleagues, etc, or it might be other things.

    28k is not a bad income, and 300 a month all to yourself isn't bad, either. She needs to keep a spending diary if she's not sure where the money is going. My guess is it's on small things that don't seem much at the time, but all add up.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 16th Dec 18, 3:51 PM
    • 2,173 Posts
    • 2,558 Thanks
    I agree with the posters who have expressed she won't change until she wants to.
    I always spend more than I plan. It's usually on food and drink at work. 'just 5 or 10' but then add that up over a month it could be 100-200 spent on bits and bobs with nothing to show for it.
    Your partner just know from your last talks that you disapprove of debt. Could she have other debts that you don't know about? Do you both know how much all the household bills cost? What happens when an unexpected bill drops up? Reason I ask is she might keep things quiet and try to handle these issues rather than talk to you about it if past money conversations have turned into arguments for example.
    So long as you know joint responsibilities are paid I don't think you can do much about her personal debt. Some people are not good at managing money and debt doesn't bother them the same as others. She may or may not change.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 16th Dec 18, 6:07 PM
    • 5,734 Posts
    • 7,071 Thanks
    I've spoken to her about it and she didn't realise her overdraft account was still linked up to Amazon, Uber, Just eat and a few other websites so she didn't know that account was being used.
    Originally posted by sjwomersley

    Sounds like sitting down once a week for a few minutes, and checking through ALL of both your statements would be no bad thing. Even when you are sure nothing has been spent you want to check quickly for fraud. Has one of you paid for joint spending you want to rebalance? Does one of you need an extra tight week and so the other not suggesting a night out?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 16th Dec 18, 9:54 PM
    • 3,499 Posts
    • 6,083 Thanks
    Regardless of the size of the overdraft or the amount of 'fun money', I would have a major problem with the deception. That would be a deal breaker for me.

    And if I had 300 to spare every month and an overdraft that worried the love of my life I would be throwing every penny at it to make it go away. That's what you do if you care for someone. Anything else is pure selfishness.

    If you're not in it together, you're not in it at all.
    • april_hunt
    • By april_hunt 12th Feb 19, 1:38 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    I was in a similar situation with my partner. When we got together we had so many letters come through the door and I paid it off and he was paying me back. Last September time we had more letters come through December time I said to him that he needed to ring up and sort it all as I wasn't going into a marriage with all his debt - touch wood he's been doing just that paying it all off. He hates talking about money and finances he leaves it up to me because I know what I'm doing apparently - I'd like to think if I did I'd be a millionaire. Were due to get married in June we don't have the full amount but luckily my parents are helping us.
    Good luck
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 12th Feb 19, 3:40 PM
    • 954 Posts
    • 2,065 Thanks
    I don't think she was worrying about wedding savings when she was over spending was she ?

    It seems like you put forward a sensible plan to clear the over draft but perhaps she didn't see the 1500 debt as a major issue so listened to what you said and did her own thing anyway.

    I agree with others in that 300 a month is not a lot for ' fun stuff ' that's only a tenner a day, very easy to spend
    Save 6k in 2019 challenge #44
    1577 / 6000
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