Desperate

BabzD · 11 January 2019 at 6:15PM

I don’t know if I am posting this on the right place or not but I am desperate and need help 😥
We haven’t seen our son and grandchildren now for over 3 years and it has broken my heart. I took them on a trip when they were left with me for their parents to go away to a wedding, that didn’t sit well with our daughter in law and madness ensued 😥
Our daughter visits regular (she is allowed) and now she says that our son has txt his brother (our youngest) saying that the children are missing him and will he come and see them. He according to our daughter is torn as he doesn’t want to upset us.
Our eldest son (the one we haven’t seen for 3 years) sometimes replies to his Dads txts and has told him that he can phone him on his days off (our son works shifts) I feel that the only way that I can prevent all this hurt is to leave home as the only reason that our children and my husband are not allowed to see our son and grandchildren is because if me.
It hurts as I want us to be a family again but I know that this won’t happen while I am around. If I was out of the equation then everything would be ok
I have been looking for somewhere to move to but as I earn less than £200 a month a d ha e no savings I have no idea where to go or who to turn to.
If I leave the council will tell me that I have made myself homeless and they won’t help. I am heartbroken and besides myself. I am so stressed and frustrated and hurt

ognum · 11 January 2019 at 6:30PM

BabzD wrote: »

I don’t know if I am posting this on the right place or not but I am desperate and need help 😥
We haven’t seen our son and grandchildren now for over 3 years and it has broken my heart. I took them on a trip when they were left with me for their parents to go away to a wedding, that didn’t sit well with our daughter in law and madness ensued 😥
Our daughter visits regular (she is allowed) and now she says that our son has txt his brother (our youngest) saying that the children are missing him and will he come and see them. He according to our daughter is torn as he doesn’t want to upset us.
Our eldest son (the one we haven’t seen for 3 years) sometimes replies to his Dads txts and has told him that he can phone him on his days off (our son works shifts) I feel that the only way that I can prevent all this hurt is to leave home as the only reason that our children and my husband are not allowed to see our son and grandchildren is because if me.
It hurts as I want us to be a family again but I know that this won’t happen while I am around. If I was out of the equation then everything would be ok
I have been looking for somewhere to move to but as I earn less than £200 a month a d ha e no savings I have no idea where to go or who to turn to.
If I leave the council will tell me that I have made myself homeless and they won’t help. I am heartbroken and besides myself. I am so stressed and frustrated and hurt

I am so sorry you feel like this. What was the trip you went on that caused all the upset?

Is there any way you can talk with your daughter in law or arrange some mediation so you can both learn how the other feels?

Skibunny40 · 11 January 2019 at 6:32PM

It sounds like sides were taken when you took the children on this trip, if some of your children are worried about upsetting you by going to visit the grandchildren.

Have you tried just straight out apologising to your daughter-in-law? (Obviously I have no idea what went on, but don't let your pride make you as miserable as you appear to be)

BabzD · 11 January 2019 at 6:44PM

I don’t know about sides being taken and I know that there are generally two sides to the story but there is no story other than they were left in my charge from Friday to Sunday and I took them out for a treat and apparently I should have asked first

BabzD · 11 January 2019 at 6:54PM

I took them on a short train trip something that they love. She won’t agree to mediation she likes to be in charge. I didn’t ask permission to take them even though they were left in my charge from Friday to Sunday 😥

ognum · 11 January 2019 at 7:04PM

Sadly just reading the words you have written makes me feel you are not prepared to say you are sorry or you were wrong in order to reunite your family.

Although I do understand that the children were left in your care I also understand that if I had children in my care I would check with their parents before I arranged to do anything like this that they were happy about it.

Basically it’s your choice, put your hands up, say Your sorry and you understand how your daughter in law feels or continue with your unhappy life.

I do understand your DIL I also understand you but I would bite the bullet and say I understand and I’m sorry.

Primrose · 11 January 2019 at 9:28PM

Running away is cowardly and actually it won,t solve anything. All it will do is leave another bit rupture in your family.

Write to your daughter in law and tell her you never anticipated that what you thought was just intended to be a simple pleasure trip for your grandchildren while they were in your care would turn out to have such sad consequences for the family and that onviously if you could turn the clock back you would handle things differently.

You can't help her being a control freak. Perhaps she was worried that you have a different tyle of parenting - generations often do - and was concerned in some way about their safety which didn't occur to you.

Whatever the issue, it,s now spread to the wider family and somebody has to be the grown up who takes the first initiative to heal the rift. What are your husband's views on all this and the child's father? (The son in question). He also has a responsibility,itynto try and help heal the rift.

My advice would be to swallow your pride, write and apologise and ask if you can meet up over a cup of coffee to talk about how the misunderstanding over her and your views of grandparent childcare went so badly wrong.

As for running away. That really won,t solve anything as you will take all your sad thoughts and problems with you and just probably cause a second family rift.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 11 January 2019 at 10:56PM

I'm really sorry but I just can't believe that a huge estrangement like this is just because you took your grandchildren on a train while you had them for the weekend. That is a completely normal thing for a grandparent to do with their grandchildren, happening every day up and down the country, and I just don't buy that if that's all it was then your son would be happily going along with the completely insane reaction to it.

So what's the real story? What was your relationship like with your daughter in law before that 'incident'? What else led to this?

Fireflyaway · 12 January 2019 at 11:07AM

Moving out will just cause upset with other family members, it wont solve the problem.
Unless the parents are genuinely concerned for the children's welfare, it seems quite cruel to deny them seeing grandparents.
I'd write to your son and his wife to try to resolve the situation before it gets to the point you never see each other again. Without knowing both sides it's tricky to say more but an apology might be in order? Even if you did something they didn't agree with, it seems a bit over the top to ignore for years because of it. Is there something further that needs to be addressed? Have a think. Ask your other family. Maybe your daughter in law has unjustified feelings that a discussion could alter? Maybe neither of you is big enough to make the first move? Could it just be stalemate because of pride? Life is short, so try to heal this rift.

HurdyGurdy · 12 January 2019 at 12:35PM

Whilst I wouldn't have put it as bluntly as Red Squirrel, I do agree that there is more to this than you have said.

If your son and daughter-in-law thought you were sufficiently trustworthy to have the children for an entire weekend, then presumably you are also sufficiently trustworthy to take them out on trips. Were you expected to just stay at home with them for the entire weekend? Have you cared for them for an extended period of time before?

Were you alone with them on the trip, or was your husband with you? Was it a local train trip, or a longer distance? Was it a narrow gauge type railway, or a big inter city one? Where did you go with them - was it a long way from home? What did you do once you reached your destination?

Were you specifically told not to take them any distance from home? Or were you told of any specific activities that the parents didn't want the children to participate in?

You don't give any information around the grandchildren - how many, their ages, and any additional needs they may have. Do you yourself have any additional needs - mobility, for example?

I think Primrose's advice is spot on and very well worded. I hope you can resolve the issue and see your grandchildren again.

FBaby · 12 January 2019 at 12:46PM

I'm sorry but it makes no sense you'd be stopped from seeing the children all together just because you took them on a train trip when they were away. Most likely something happened that you were not concerned about and was seen as dangerous by them, be it that you didn't have car seats, didn't use sit belts, left them wandering off...

This happened when I left my young kids in the care of my dad. It was only for an hour.ut I came back with the swimming pool alarm blaring, my 2 and 4 yo playing alone nearby. My dad didn't think he was doing anything wrong because he'd only gone to the toilet but the reality is that he is hard of hearing and didn't hear the alarm and shouldn't have left the kids alone at all. I didn't stop my dad seeing my kids but he never had them alone again.

There is a difference in generation when it comes to children and danger so what might seem fine for older people isn't at all for younger ones.

Did you DS really not tell you why he doesn't want you to see his kids beyond you took them to see a train?

Desperate

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