Facing upto debt

I am new to this forum malarkey. I finally came clean to the man I love (and was going to marry in two months), my financial situation and how bad it was. Needless to say he's cancelled the wedding and is very very hurt that i didnt share this with him in the beginning of our relationship. I dont blame him at all. I am very very ashamed. There are no excuses I am to blame for my situation.

It spiraled out of control when the father of my children encouraged me to get credit and mobile phones as he couldn't. Alarm bells should have rung I realise this now. He cheated on me lots and left me with no money debts and 2 small children. I was on income support until both children were able to go to school full time, and did seek advice from the citizens advice and they negotiated that I pay back £1 per month to the companies and as my income increased from working I was able to get more credit.

In my eyes I wanted to give my children the things other kids have and they life they deserved. I also feel guilty that their father has never once wanted to be a part of their lives. I've run up catalogue credit card and loan debts. Buying things made me feel good I wanted nice things for me and my 2 children. I didnt want them to be laughed at.

Money was never spoken about when I was growing up, I knew we weren't rich but I was never guided by anyone as to how to handle money.
Anyway over the years a couple of failed relationships later I finally met the man of my dreams. He made it very clear from the beginning how he felt towards me, and I kept my guard up. I thought he'll leave me the same as everyone else.

He knew I had a loan for my car at an ridiculous rate but wasnt aware of all my existing debt and recent debt I'd built I had before I met him. I kept it hidden. In my eyes I was meeting the minimum payments it was fine. It was my problem and not his, plus the shame of opening up to him or anyone is horrible. I didnt want to let him us down (I know I have massively). We'd discussed future plans and buying a house in 5-10years etc and stuff but I'd always avoid the part of how I'd actually ever be able to do that.

He knew i couldn't afford family holidays, he paid, and most of the time on family days out he'd pay too. Unless if I had enough on my credit card I'd pay and spend on there without him knowing. Then my mum passed away last june and I was responsible for one of her outstanding catalogue debts, he rang and spoke to them on and they dealt with the matter incredibly and as the account was in my mums name no further payment was required. I had my opportunity then to come clean but... I was so devastated after my died and upset at my situation which I skated on to him, that i just said I'm too ashamed and left it there. He told me he'd support me and when I was ready I could tell him. I didnt.

Well sunday night he told me my worst possible fear, that he didnt want to get married and with only 2 months to go my world fell apart. No warning signs no arguments etc nothing, just that something was telling him not to get married and he didnt know how he felt anymore. All my worst fears came true. Monday we actually had the most honest conversation we have ever had, and I opened up about my debt and how bad it was. Credit file says £18k but I know theres more as I was still paying those old £1 debts. He was livid and hurt and feels betrayed says I've lied by omission to him and had he'd known he would never have asked me to marry him... the following morning he rang an iva company on my behalf and they are now looking at it for me and I should hear back from them next week.

I should have come clean at the beginning of our relationship i know that now. Hes worried it will all come back on him and the responsibility of house expanding business etc. We dont have joint finances nor are any of the Bill's or rent in his name. The responsibility lies with me. As for our relationship i feel I've lost him for good, the man who completed me and it's my fault for being such a failure.