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    • jtr2803
    • By jtr2803 8th Jun 11, 7:55 PM
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    jtr2803
    Waiting for marriage (and/or a proposal!) - how did you stay sane?!
    • #1
    • 8th Jun 11, 7:55 PM
    Waiting for marriage (and/or a proposal!) - how did you stay sane?! 8th Jun 11 at 7:55 PM
    OK, don't all laugh but I would love (read as I am desperate for) my OH to propose , thought I would share my light hearted desperations with others as hopefully someone out there can sympathise!

    We have been together 3 years this month and have lived together pretty much the whole time so we know each other very well now, due to the way in which we got together (long story) I, and a number of my closest friends, thought that a proposal would be fairly swift but it seems that isn't to be the case! Oh I've hinted pretty outrageously at times , we haven't long got back from 2 weeks in the Maldives and I really thought he was going to do it there but it wasn't to be....unfortunately he also quite directly told me halfway through the holiday he wasn't going to either....he has a fantastic way with words sometimes *rolleyes*. Other than that we have a fantastic relationship and he is my very best friend, he is affectionate, loving, he cooks for me, calls me at work to sing Stevie Wonders 'I just called to say I love you', he delivers my favourite cake to work when I am having a bad day and he often brings me home flowers . Is there any surprise I want to marry him so much?

    So.....after all that waffle....did anyone else have an agonising wait before their proposal? Did anyone else just tell them it was about time they did it? How did you stay sane during the wait? I have a couple of friends who are getting married soon and they all got with their partners after us so I am doing the 'when is it my turn?' thing. Argh, I am so impatient!


    Last edited by jtr2803; 08-01-2012 at 2:10 PM.

    Very happily married on 10th April 2013
    Spero Meliora
    Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis
Page 3
  • Woowoo
    Mine did. And I said NO. Though the reason he proposed because I cried all night on my birthday for not getting engaged once again... And the next day he figured out what was the crying about, so he proposed...And I said no cause he did it for the wrong reason. Don't ever try to understand me.

    p.s: we got engaged the following Xmas though I don't want to get married anymore. Did I mention not to try to understand me??
    Originally posted by kavics17
    That's great Kavic's - us women sure are hard work
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    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 9th Jun 11, 3:40 PM
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    74jax
    It makes me quite sad, actually, that anyone would be willing to ditch a perfectly happy relationship just because the other person wasn't ready...
    Originally posted by Idiophreak
    Sorry I didn't mean for it come across that way. Outwardly we would have been seen to be the most loving couple. And that is because we were. However the only way I can describe it is that - for me - something was 'missing'. I wouldn't have found it easy to 'ditch' the relationship at all. However for ME, I couldn't carry on. We had reached a crossroads and I was missing 'something' whether that be comitment or what i'm not sure. It is very hard to explain.

    I just thought after 6 years he wasn't ready because I wasn't the one for him. I loved him to peices and he deserved to find someone who he felt crazy enough about to marry as I felt that way for him. I felt he was missing out on not having the 'right' person too.

    However, he says he'd been thinking about it for months and just couldn't bring himself to do it, Rome in one way or another was the 'time'.

    It certainly wouldn't have been easy to 'ditch' the relationship and walk away.
    • jtr2803
    • By jtr2803 9th Jun 11, 3:40 PM
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    jtr2803
    Is this thread for real?? Just get down on one knee and propose yourself, this is a human being with his own worries and dreams, not an actor in a romantic drama.

    It seems harsh coming from someone who did receive a proposal (without permission asked and in a remote spot), but if you put this much pressure on him getting your father's permission (are you his possession?) and doing a public proposal, then I dread to think what you are hoping your wedding will be like.
    Originally posted by MsHoarder
    Going to reply to the other posts when I have more time but I had to comment on this post.

    Not sure if you are aiming this at me or anyone else but I haven't said anywhere he needs to get my fathers permission, he could try but as I haven't seen the bloke myself for 14 years I'm not sure he will have much luck! I also haven't said I want a public proposal either............

    ?

    Very happily married on 10th April 2013
    Spero Meliora
    Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 9th Jun 11, 3:45 PM
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    74jax
    It seems harsh coming from someone who did receive a proposal (without permission asked and in a remote spot), but if you put this much pressure on him getting your father's permission (are you his possession?) and doing a public proposal, then I dread to think what you are hoping your wedding will be like.
    Originally posted by MsHoarder
    I don't think the OP has said this in any of the posts?
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 9th Jun 11, 3:45 PM
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    74jax
    Going to reply to the other posts when I have more time but I had to comment on this post.

    Not sure if you are aiming this at me or anyone else but I haven't said anywhere he needs to get my fathers permission, he could try but as I haven't seen the bloke myself for 14 years I'm not sure he will have much luck! I also haven't said I want a public proposal either............

    ?
    Originally posted by jtr2803
    We cross-posted, sorry
  • Woowoo
    Going to reply to the other posts when I have more time but I had to comment on this post.

    Not sure if you are aiming this at me or anyone else but I haven't said anywhere he needs to get my fathers permission, he could try but as I haven't seen the bloke myself for 14 years I'm not sure he will have much luck! I also haven't said I want a public proposal either............

    ?
    Originally posted by jtr2803
    Totally confused me as well!!!
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  • Chrissy1981
    I'd been with my ex for 9 years and no proposal. So when my current boyfriend was upfront about wanting to get married soon quite early on and was making comments to our friends about getting married, I was just waiting waiting waiting. Our holiday and my birthday, nothing. Then last Christmas, he said about us going *shopping* which could only mean one thing, right? Especially as he knew what I was thinking and agreed it was *shopping*

    I was so excited and we went shopping the day after New Year's Day and nothing. We walked past every jewellery shop without so much as a glance. I didn't ask to go in any other shops, so by the time we'd circuited the shopping centre (and not gone in ANY shops), I was practically in tears. Got to the car park and I burst into tears, told him he'd really upset me by building up my hopes and he said he was sorry but it didn't feel right to buy a ring in a shopping centre.

    Cried all the way home (I'm so pathetic aren't I!) and he said he wanted to get me a big ring with a big proposal and he couldn't do that yet. I said, if he knew me at all, he'd know I'm not like that and any old ring and a heartfelt proposal would be perfect. He looked at me for a bit, said I'd made it all clearer, and told me to come home half an hour late from work the next day (first day back at work after Xmas!).

    I got home and he'd laid the table (even finding the tablecloth and placemats), he'd lit candles, put music on and cooked me a 3-course dinner. After the starters, he proposed and pulled out the most perfect ring for me.

    Of course this is not the official version -- everyone else thinks I came home to the above and it was a complete surprise! But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told him to get on with it! So let's keep it a secret eh?!
  • trying_2_b_good
    I totally nagged and nagged and nagged my fiance. It did my head in that he kept saying he wanted to get married, was waiting for the right time to propose etc. I was like - just get on with it then!! Even worse when I found out at Christmas that he'd planned to propose in August but something went wrong (kitchen ceiling fell down) so it wasn't perfect so he didn't do it. I told him I didn't need it to be perfect, I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that we love each other, get married & get on with building our future together.

    He asked in January & we're getting married this August

    So nagging and being totally honest worked for me!
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  • abis21
    Not sure if you are aiming this at me or anyone else but I haven't said anywhere he needs to get my fathers permission, he could try but as I haven't seen the bloke myself for 14 years I'm not sure he will have much luck! I also haven't said I want a public proposal either............

    ?
    Originally posted by jtr2803

    I think it was me who mentioned it. But I said it was my OH who thought that he was 'expected' to ask my dad and do the proposal publicly, but that they were both things that me and my dad would have hated, and it was certainly something I didn't want.

    I didn't want any fuss, or anybody trying to out-compete each other in the most romantic proposal situation. I just wanted to plan our wedding and our future together.
    • Idiophreak
    • By Idiophreak 9th Jun 11, 5:18 PM
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    Idiophreak
    But I said it was my OH who thought that he was 'expected' to ask my dad and do the proposal publicly,
    Originally posted by abis21
    We really need to change the culture around this...I felt it was expected of me, too - and it was terrifying! Asking the OH was easy after that - I was fairly sure she'd say yes at least
  • abis21
    I agree Idiophreak. I don't really see the problem with having a discussion about it rather than waiting for the man to ask the question.

    It isn't something that you would do for anything else.... Like if you really wanted to move house for years, but were waiting for the man to ask - that would be daft.

    I get it that some people aren't ready, and need time etc, and that the man and woman might be ready on a different time scale. But surely discussing things like that would put both peoples minds at rest and help them to know where they are with their relationship... And if they were complete opposites, then again, a discussion would help as then they could decide if that was still ok for both of them and what they wanted to do about the situation...
  • Miss Bolan
    jtr2803 I completely and totally understand where you are coming from. I was you about 6 weeks ago I know that in today's modern world girls should just get on with it, equal rights and all that stuff, but there is something very special about 'that moment', about a man asking a woman to be his wife.

    For me, it was because my partner has been married before. We have been together 2.5 years and we have been through so many ups and downs (many of which related to the problems we have, caused by his ex!) and so for me he had to ask me - i had to know he was ready. I knew he wanted it, we'd talked about it and I also knew he was building it up in his head because he wanted it to be 'right this time'. For me I'd have been happy with a haribo ring!

    I was convinced when he would ask me - events we were going, trips away we had plan, christmas, birthdays etc - all of them ended in nothing. I had cried about it, lost all faith it was what he wanted etc etc. I ended up a crippled emotional wreck on more than one occassion!

    Then one day, on a random trip home from work he stopped the car in the countryside and pretended he was getting out for a fag. He asked me to walk with him and rather awkwardly, he asked! Just like that, out of the blue. No, it wasn't movie perfect, he was a nervous wreck! But it was honest and real, and a completely random moment on a normal Thursday - I cried a lot!

    The ring he had picked was perfect. It turned out he was waiting for a bonus from work (which I knew nothing about it, he's a civil servant there aren't many 'bonuses') and that's what he was waiting for.

    As long as you know it's what your man wants, then it will happen. He's probably waiting for something that hasn't even occurred to you (I do not pretend to know what men think about!).

    Fingers crossed it happens soon for you!
    Trying to be good and watch the pennies, but guilty of falling off the wagon every so often!
    • jtr2803
    • By jtr2803 9th Jun 11, 9:24 PM
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    jtr2803
    So many posts to reply to! It's certainly an emotive subject

    Unfortunately I can't multi quote everyone and I can't scroll back to see who has posted what (sorry) so I'll just do more waffling! 74Jax I totally understand what you mean about marriage and having to possibly walk away. A few people have told me I would be mad to leave him as we are otherwise 100% happy and I do understand why they say that but I liken it to if one person in a relationship wanted children and the other didn't, you wouldn't expect them to be able to just stay together. Marriage and children, in my mind, are the two biggest commitments you can make to another person and if you can't agree on them then that is a pretty big issue.

    Idiophreak, again, I do understand your comment but I can tell you, from a womans perspective, it can become a wholey consuming issue. My biggest fear is that my OH has changed his mind about getting married but doesn't have the guts to tell me. If he had said from the start that marriage was not for him then I would have no grounds for disappointment or being upset at having no proposal. As he has said in the past he does want to get married then to not actually propose makes me wonder if he has changed his mind. Most women would start to take that very personally, it makes you feel second best and you start wondering whether you just aren't good enough to marry and it starts knocking your confidence (talking personal feelings here, obviously I cannot speak for everyone else).

    Someone further back asked if it was the marriage or the wedding I really wanted and I can honestly tell you it is the marriage. If my OH said he wanted to get married, just the two of us, next month with no big party or fancy suits then I would happily say yes! Of course I would still like a nice dress and some flowers but as long as he is there I couldn't really care less about the 'show' element.

    I am sure most men who have told their girlfriends that they will/want to marry them think they are doing the right thing but I know at times I have felt a bit 'strung along'. I am sure that is absolutely not his intention and I know with absolute certainty that he would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt me but I have this rule that people should not say things that they do not mean. If he said to me tonight, I still want to marry you and I am going to but I would like to....wait two years/buy a house first/have a mega holiday first/save up x first then at least I would know where he sees it heading. Someone previosuly said we should talk about it and we have, sometimes seriously and sometimes in that jokey, drunken way that you probably shouldn't talk about things in . Maybe I should ask him to give me a time line so I have something in mind, his version of 'some point in the future' could be so totally different to mine! Whilst I have mentioned a 'deadline' I am not saying that I know I will end the relationship but we will need to have a serious sit down talk about our future.

    Quite amusingly, I was just telling him about an Island in the Maldives which is my (very expensive) dream island and I said I would have to save that for a very special occasion and he said it could be for our honeymoon so there is still hope!

    So pleased to hear that a lot of you eventually got your proposals

    Very happily married on 10th April 2013
    Spero Meliora
    Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis
    • jtr2803
    • By jtr2803 9th Jun 11, 9:30 PM
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    jtr2803
    I'd been with my ex for 9 years and no proposal. So when my current boyfriend was upfront about wanting to get married soon quite early on and was making comments to our friends about getting married, I was just waiting waiting waiting. Our holiday and my birthday, nothing. Then last Christmas, he said about us going *shopping* which could only mean one thing, right? Especially as he knew what I was thinking and agreed it was *shopping*

    I was so excited and we went shopping the day after New Year's Day and nothing. We walked past every jewellery shop without so much as a glance. I didn't ask to go in any other shops, so by the time we'd circuited the shopping centre (and not gone in ANY shops), I was practically in tears. Got to the car park and I burst into tears, told him he'd really upset me by building up my hopes and he said he was sorry but it didn't feel right to buy a ring in a shopping centre.

    Cried all the way home (I'm so pathetic aren't I!) and he said he wanted to get me a big ring with a big proposal and he couldn't do that yet. I said, if he knew me at all, he'd know I'm not like that and any old ring and a heartfelt proposal would be perfect. He looked at me for a bit, said I'd made it all clearer, and told me to come home half an hour late from work the next day (first day back at work after Xmas!).

    I got home and he'd laid the table (even finding the tablecloth and placemats), he'd lit candles, put music on and cooked me a 3-course dinner. After the starters, he proposed and pulled out the most perfect ring for me.

    Of course this is not the official version -- everyone else thinks I came home to the above and it was a complete surprise! But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told him to get on with it! So let's keep it a secret eh?!
    Originally posted by Chrissy1981
    Trust me you are NOT pathetic! I managed not to cry on holiday once he had told me he had no intention of proposing there but at Xmas last year, I really thought he might do it as I am a christmas freak and get so excited about it all, we were halfway through opening presents with all my family when my workmate text to say that after 10 years, he boyfriend had proposed in bed that morning! I was really happy for her and relayed the news, my OH's reply was 'there is nothing like that waiting for you here so don't get too excited', I promptly burst into tears and had to shut myself in the bedroom for half an hour. If it hadn't been Xmas day I think I could have cried myself to sleep but I had to carry on for everyone elses sake. He later apologised, I think he just wanted to tell me in his own way that it wasn't going to happen that day but he didn't do it very well!

    Very happily married on 10th April 2013
    Spero Meliora
    Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis
  • laurabllue
    I totally understand how you feel! I've been with my BF for over 7 years now. We met at uni, so we were quite young. However, I graduated in 2007 and we've been living together for the last three years...and still nothing! Lately it feels like everyone I know is getting engaged before us (I blame Facebook for making me more aware of it!), one of my best friend's got engaged just before Christmas and although I was really happy for her, I will be totally honest and admit I had a little cry. It didn't help that my BF sulked and said they'd 'jumped the queue' since they'd only been together 2 and a half years!

    I really thought he was going to propose on holiday last summer, but he said it wasn't special enough (I was really good and didn't mention what I'd been thinking till we got back). Then I thought perhaps my birthday when he took me away for a surprise weekend. Nothing. To make matters even worse, we've already found a ring that I love, and I tried it on about a year ago! Plus, I know he has the money for the ring stashed away.

    I know it'll happen eventually, but I'm running out of patience. We talk about our future all the time, and I'll admit there have been a couple of arguments about the fact he hasn't done it yet. It's not even like I want a massive wedding, I just want the marriage, and for us to share the same name when we start a family. *sigh* One day...!
  • Cezzabelle
    Havent read all the post but didnt want to read and run...in a nutshell, I didnt, stay sane that is! :-)

    I tried the ultimatum and it didnt work (didnt think i meant it apparently...turns out i didnt, i didnt leave ) then i just stopped mentioning it and it happened. Know that isnt what u want to hear haha us girls do not do "not mentioning" it for a while very well. I remember my best mate, who was in same boat, saying she had decided not to mention it for a while and see what happened and did i think a week was long enough haha!
    Good luck xxx
  • Sally42
    My OH proposed 4 days after we met (August 12th, '98); seven days after that he had to return to his base in Germany. He returned to the UK on December 18th, '98, we married on December the 21st, '98. I make that approximately 14 days that we had spent together in each others company before tying the knot. Thirteen years down the line we're still together! Would I have married him had we gotten to know each other better, and over a longer period of time? No way!!
    Frodo ~ "..... I wish none of this had happened. "
    Gandalf ~ " So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
  • trying_2_b_good
    Sally42 - I love your story!!

    I guess it's hard for men - there is a lot of pressure. The ring, the location, the words, whether or not she'll say yes... Sometimes not mentioning it does work. Makes them feel like they're doing it because they want to, not because it's expected. One of my friends was desperate for the proposal - cried several times (like others above) when the proposal didn't come on special occassions etc. All her friends kept teasing him about it, telling him to get a move on etc. In the end we all shut up (because we realised it was driving her insane) and she stopped asking him and dropping hints about it. Then he popped the question out of the blue and suprised us all!

    But as I said before, constant nagging was my technique!

    You'll be asked one day (but there's nothing stopping you researching dresses and venues now )
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    • fawny
    • By fawny 10th Jun 11, 1:25 PM
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    fawny
    Hi,

    Me & H2B will have been together 5 years this July & we are getting married next year. We have been living together for just over 2 years & since he asked me to move in with him i've been waiting for the proposal. We had often said when we were in Lindos that it would be great to marry there, he'd even said places we could have the reception but nothing else. I started dropping hints about a year ago, after I caught the flowers at my best friends wedding(all planned of course) I was convined he was going to propose on our anniversary last year as he took me for a romantic meal instead of the usual takeaway but no nothing! I said when we were away last year it was about time he got me a ring but he said noy yet can't afford to get married. Christmas came & went nothing, my birthday in Jan nothing i was fed up. So I sat him down & told him how I felt about him & how much I loved him & wanted to be his wife, by this time i'd come up with rough figures of costs over here & for Greece & told him. He sat & listened & hugged me tight & said he had not realised how much it meant to me & that he did want to marry me but always though we could not afford it, but now realised we could. So we decided that we would go for Greece next year & actually booked it before he'd proposed. On the sly he phoned my Dad & asked him for premission & then on valentine's day he proposed on one knee with 12 red roses, although I knew it was coming it was all still very romantic & cried when i said yes Of course again the offical version is that it was all a suprise to me & know one knows we had the chat before hand & to be honest I forget about that too.
    Married the man of my dreams - 10th September 2012, St Paul's Bay Lindos It was amazing.
    • RainbowDrops
    • By RainbowDrops 10th Jun 11, 1:30 PM
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    RainbowDrops
    But as I said before, constant nagging was my technique!
    Originally posted by trying_2_b_good
    Out of curiosity, did this kinda take the magic out of the moment when he did propose?
    To me it seems like asking for a surprise for your birthday, then giving a list of presents that you want.
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