Changing habits, wanting freedom

1679111240

Comments

  • Your situation does sound difficult. The Man of the House thing can be hard to overcome, it's taken over 25 years for my hub to put it behind him. Make sure when you talk to your OH, that you find a way to say the things you need to say without it seeming like nagging or leaving him feeling as if he has no choice in the matter. My hub puts his defences up quite quickly and doesn't hear anything I try to say if he feels he is being lectured at, especially if I say things with "I" and "you" rather than "we". It's surprising what a difference this can make.
  • JWPopps
    JWPopps Posts: 341 Forumite
    Hi jvr, i just wanted to pop by and say a HUGE well done to you and your husband - 2 of my very closest friends went through all that Home Office stuff too (she's from UK he's from SA) and they had such a tough time getting him a UK Visa even though they're married and he is dying to get a job but for so long he's been here on visitor visas with no work rights. It's such an expensive game, and they too get a bit of pressure from his parents assuming they have cash flowing freely out of our UK taps!!

    Best of luck with sorting out your finances, I hope you can get your husband on board even if it does mean a bit of tough love!!
    Mortgage: £83,000
    Credit Card Debt: £1,700
    Loan Debt: £3,000


  • Honey_Bear
    Honey_Bear Posts: 7,077
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Photogenic First Post
    Forumite
    Oh, JVR, I've just read the whole of your diary from the beginning again because I haven't had time to keep up and what I read is really worrying.

    It's one thing to be in debt and have accumulated stuff you can sell to pay some of it off, it's another thing entirely to be paying other people's living expenses, and buying them cars when you can't afford your own.

    And, honestly, alarm bells really jangle loudly when someone who is in debt and can't manage money wants children NOW, expecting their wife/the mother to sort it all out. Please, please don't pay off his credit cards or in any other way assume and accept that his debts are your responsibility. All that will happen is that he'll run up more debt because he won't have learned anything and the problem has gone away.

    You're cycling to work to save money, his sister is driving the car you can't afford own, while you are £5,000 in debt trying to pay for your driving lessons.

    If you can't get to grips with YNAB it doesn't matter, it works for some people but you may not be one of them. There are other systems that might suit you better, you just need to find the right one for you. (I use an excel spreadsheet and keep track of every penny I spend because that's what I find easy.)

    You need to know where all your money is going. If you spend £40 a week on groceries but £50 a month on takaways, £20 on sandwiches at work on Fridays and the other days there's a 'good' reason to buy a sandwich and £10 on coffees because you were out and about and thirsty - you'd at least know you were actually spending roughly £80 a week on food. And that's before booze which, in itself is another way money trickles through our fingers.

    So, yes, I think an SOA would be an excellent start, but in order to do one you'd need to know where the money was actually going. I'm often surprised by the monthly totals on my spreadsheet because I didn't realise I'd spent that much on ... whatever.

    It sounds to me as though you worry about the debt but are floundering a bit about how to take control and that's a really horrible feeling. Well done for starting the diary and I hope that it helps clarify some of the issues that you're dealing with.

    In the meantime, I hope you and your OH have a lovely, lovely Christmas and when things are quiet you can sit down and have a proper grown up conversation with him about your joint finances for the new year.

    Tell me if I've gone too far and said anything that's upset you or offended you and I'll delete it - that's not my wish or intention.
    Better is good enough.
  • Honey Bear - I agree with everything you've said. You managed to put it much more eloquently that I could have too.
  • jvr
    jvr Posts: 426
    First Anniversary
    Forumite
    Hi everyone,


    Thank you so much for your replies and support in how to deal with this.




    Misty… yes OH can get extremely defensive especially if it feels like nagging. Spoke briefly last night with OH and said let’s find an afternoon to sit down and make a plan and he seemed receptive, I had read your reply so decided not to say ‘I need to talk to you about…’ maybe simple change in language and making him more involved helped. So my plan is to lay it out and make suggestions but make sure it is a joint plan.


    Popps… yes the process is horrendous, we have just got our extension visa so in about 2 years can apply for citizenship and then hopefully the nightmare is over. I wasn’t really prepared for the amount of work let alone money each visa cost and having to lay out your personal life to some stranger. We even had to send personal whatsapp messages between us to prove it was a real relationship. We used an incredible not for profit solicitor so depending on the stage your friends are at let me know if her details might help. I really wouldn’t have coped with the process without her.


    Honey… thank you for your response and I would never take offence. It is great to come on here and be able to lay the situation out and learn from others and sometimes get a bit of steering. I have realised I really want kids too, but I want to be out of debt by the time any would arrive and it’s become clear in last week or so of posting how important that is to me. Floundering is exactly how I feel and your point about not actually having worked out where my money goes rings very true. I think I will sit down with my bank statements before sitting with OH and work out what it is going on so I can be more honest about where I can cut back on things. I feel like there are probably areas I can make a large saving and not really notice the difference. I feel like to really get to grips this year it is going to be a two sided approach, firstly find out what I am wasting money on and make a real plan and secondly get OH on board as much as possible (maybe finding ways to at least limit any sabotage on his part)


    Having read all of your really kind and considered responses I have decided I will definitely leave OH with his own debt. I know for myself if at this exact moment someone came along and paid off all my debt I wouldn’t have learnt enough yet to make the changes needed to stay out of debt so the same certainly applies to him.


    Speky .. thanks for popping in and your ongoing support, how you have changed things is very inspiring and gives me hope I can get this nailed down and sorted.


    Its my last day at work today so I am looking forward to a very chilled out week off and time to actually make a plan. We had our work night out last night and all the managers paid for drink so my grand total spend was £7 for a taxi home… not bad for all the gin I drank!


    If I don’t get a chance to reply before Christmas, I hope you all have an amazing one!!!!


    Debt: £14,000 now £2169
    Emergency Fund: 1000/ £1000
    :j
  • Honey_Bear
    Honey_Bear Posts: 7,077
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Photogenic First Post
    Forumite
    Thanks for that JVR, and SpekySquarehead. I don't want to blah platitudes, but it's very easy to tread on people's sensibilities.

    Have a wonderful Christmas, JVR, and the better prepared you are for that chat with your OH, the more productive it will be. My problem when analysing past spending from bank statements was always trying to figure out where the cash I'd withdrawn went. That was the trickling effect, all on it's own. Good luck with it and well done for making the decision to get to grips with it.
    Better is good enough.
  • Wishing you a happy Christmas and all the best for your talk with your OH. It's hard when one half of a couple hasn't had their lbm yet - like any kind of change, they have to want it themselves and not just because you are telling them to do it for it to last. Hopefully your OH will have his lbm after sitting down and examining the finances with you.
  • Hey JVR,

    I just wanted to swing by to wish you a very merry christmas. I hope you and the OH have a great day tomorrow and i'm sure in the coming days you'll have the conversation and it'll make for a great 2017.

    All the best.
  • jvr
    jvr Posts: 426
    First Anniversary
    Forumite
    Merry Christmas everyone!!
    Debt: £14,000 now £2169
    Emergency Fund: 1000/ £1000
    :j
  • I hope you had a lovely Xmas!

    This is the time when many people take stock of the old year and set goals and plans to change/improve things over the new one. I've been thinking that the conversation with your OH could come up quite naturally when talking about resolutions for 2017. I hope things are going well x
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards