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  • FIRST POST
    • Moola
    • By Moola 9th Dec 18, 11:14 AM
    • 1Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Moola
    Christmas present conundrum!
    • #1
    • 9th Dec 18, 11:14 AM
    Christmas present conundrum! 9th Dec 18 at 11:14 AM
    Hi all,

    I have 2 boys and one of my DH brothers has 10 children (all under 10). We donít really see them and contact has become us is minimal.

    Every Christmas we send each child £20 and they send my boys £10 each. Itís now sort of become a financial transaction where we lose out with no Xmas spirit.

    We get no thanks from the children or acknowledgment from the parents. Iíve tried speaking to my DH about it but he doesnít want to cause any arguments, which I understand, and he thinks we just keep sending them
    Money.

    Iíve suggested sending the family a joint gift but as the children are all different ages there isnít anything suitable that I can convince DH is a better idea.

    Any suggestions how we can manage this better?

    Thanks
Page 1
    • jackomdj
    • By jackomdj 9th Dec 18, 3:50 PM
    • 2,940 Posts
    • 3,632 Thanks
    jackomdj
    • #2
    • 9th Dec 18, 3:50 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Dec 18, 3:50 PM
    Let them know you are going to send a family gift, then possibly do a hamper with some sweets, popcorn, hot chocolate and a DVD in it.
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 9th Dec 18, 4:58 PM
    • 8,567 Posts
    • 18,567 Thanks
    kingfisherblue
    • #3
    • 9th Dec 18, 4:58 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Dec 18, 4:58 PM
    I had to read that twice - I know it's not about money, but you spend £200 and they spend £20? I'd definitely stick to a family gift. If they don't all live together, then maybe a tub of sweets for each house, along with an inexpensive DVD (garden centres sometimes have DVDs that you might not think of, and at good prices).
    • kazwookie
    • By kazwookie 9th Dec 18, 5:01 PM
    • 10,904 Posts
    • 130,261 Thanks
    kazwookie
    • #4
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:01 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:01 PM
    Send one jigsaw of 1000 pieces, then all can help do it, stop sending money
    Sun, Sea

    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 9th Dec 18, 5:06 PM
    • 31,499 Posts
    • 80,766 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #5
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:06 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:06 PM
    I have 2 boys and one of my DH brothers has 10 children (all under 10).

    Every Christmas we send each child £20 and they send my boys £10 each.

    Iíve tried speaking to my DH about it but he doesnít want to cause any arguments
    Originally posted by Moola
    I had to read that twice - I know it's not about money, but you spend £200 and they spend £20?
    Originally posted by kingfisherblue
    Why does he think changing what you send this family will result in arguments - the other family don't have a leg to stand on - they send your children £10, why should their children be worth twice that?

    Perhaps he could accept sending their children £10 this year - making one change would make it easier to make another reduction next year.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 9th Dec 18, 5:14 PM
    • 67,091 Posts
    • 393,380 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    • #6
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:14 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:14 PM
    It's time to stop it all, completely, really....

    Tell them to buy something for their kids with your name on it - and you will do something/buy something for your kids with their name on it "It'll make things easier for you ...." you smile.

    That way you win ..... but you don't look like you cornered them
    • mark88man
    • By mark88man 9th Dec 18, 5:40 PM
    • 4,287 Posts
    • 10,409 Thanks
    mark88man
    • #7
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:40 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Dec 18, 5:40 PM
    whatever you do, don't carry on with this

    get something they all can enjoy - that will make them laugh - if you are saving £200 its worth a bit of thought and maybe a bit of expense

    so how about 10 (?12) lottery tickets - maybe they could all adopt the same goat - donate some money to KIVA and then they can agree on who they lend it out to - or a huge bucket of sweets - I don't really know but bottom line - if you're close it won't hurt, and if you're not you shouldn't care
    Things happen for a reason. Often because we are stupid & make bad decisions.
    Weight/Health - Fluctuating - better than I was worse than I should be
    Mid 19: CC:15K@0% - Car Loan:9K@2.8% - Mort:124K@2.1% = £148K - down £8k year to date
    Decrease in Total Debt 2016:£13.4K 2017:£8.3K 2018:£20K

    • Tickytacky
    • By Tickytacky 9th Dec 18, 7:11 PM
    • 3 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Tickytacky
    • #8
    • 9th Dec 18, 7:11 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Dec 18, 7:11 PM
    But are you millionaires and him a church mouse? Itís all relative.

    No pun intended.

    Give what you want to give and donít feel bad. And he will give what he wants to give.

    You have seen Martins Christmas message?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Dec 18, 6:50 AM
    • 23,352 Posts
    • 63,027 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #9
    • 10th Dec 18, 6:50 AM
    • #9
    • 10th Dec 18, 6:50 AM
    Hi all,

    I have 2 boys and one of my DH brothers has 10 children (all under 10). We donít really see them and contact has become us is minimal.

    Every Christmas we send each child £20 and they send my boys £10 each. Itís now sort of become a financial transaction where we lose out with no Xmas spirit.

    We get no thanks from the children or acknowledgment from the parents. Iíve tried speaking to my DH about it but he doesnít want to cause any arguments, which I understand, and he thinks we just keep sending them
    Money.

    Iíve suggested sending the family a joint gift but as the children are all different ages there isnít anything suitable that I can convince DH is a better idea.

    Any suggestions how we can manage this better?

    Thanks
    Originally posted by Moola
    I'd have stopped sending money long ago.


    Why does your OH think it will cause arguments?


    Why does he think it's fair that you give 10 kids £20 each and they give your kids £10 each?
    • fiscalfreckles
    • By fiscalfreckles 10th Dec 18, 10:49 AM
    • 2,373 Posts
    • 1,887 Thanks
    fiscalfreckles
    I agree it's unbalanced- but in these situations I always think it's unfair to penalise the kids so don't stop completely. It's Christmas and they will expect presents, regardess of how their parents behave.
    But I would at the very least cut down to £10 each (then it's the same as your kids' gifts), if you want to keep sending cash.

    However, it's really up to you what you can afford/are comfortable with. To cut down the spend, a joint gift is a good idea; maybe a few board games they can all enjoy along with some chocolates? Also, bear in mind that if you send a gift, you know what they are getting, rather than wondering how the cash is used.
    If there's never any acknowledgement, they'd be pretty churlish to start an argument now.
    • martinnathalie9
    • By martinnathalie9 11th Dec 18, 4:24 PM
    • 66 Posts
    • 81 Thanks
    martinnathalie9
    Think a hamper with some small bits and pieces would be lovely! Christmas is not about money so a sentimental gift or something that shows thought would be wonderful. If they are ungrateful, then I wouldn't send anything the next year!
    • *Louise*
    • By *Louise* 15th Dec 18, 1:12 PM
    • 9,071 Posts
    • 28,153 Thanks
    *Louise*

    Perhaps he could accept sending their children £10 this year - making one change would make it easier to make another reduction next year.
    Originally posted by Mojisola


    This would be my first step too. No one can complain about that.
    Cross Stitch Cafe member No. 3
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    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 16th Dec 18, 9:52 AM
    • 3,302 Posts
    • 8,206 Thanks
    ska lover
    Cor with ten kids, it is surprising the family can afford presents for their own kids, never mind other peoples

    If the only reason you to stop is because you feel unfairly done by, then that is just giving to receive. Christmas is about Kids and that would be punishing them, because their parents cannot afford to do the same as you OP

    Id stop the financial transaction feeling, and buy them all gifts and toys - but you are completely free to chose to spend less, £10 per child can get some nice toys
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 17th Dec 18, 3:11 PM
    • 1,095 Posts
    • 2,659 Thanks
    BBH123
    I'm wondering if these 10 kids don't get much at all and your husband knows this which is why he wants to continue. Having said that I wouldn't keep doing it especially as its not appreciated enough for a thankyou card . I also wouldn't be bothered about upsetting the applecart for people I never / rarely saw tbh.


    There is too much inequality there, £200 v £20.


    Just let them know early next year that you wont be doing this next year and if you don't want to say it outright make up an excuse eg that times are harder / lost job/ need new car etc etc


    A family gift is the way to go IMO.


    Look at it this way if these 10 kids are under 10 and you do this until adulthood that is thousands of pounds .
    • kittennose
    • By kittennose 19th Dec 18, 9:27 AM
    • 55 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    kittennose
    10 kids?

    I'd buy them a pack of condoms....

    In all seriousness, a family game and maybe a bottle of wine for the grown-ups is probably a better solution.
    • dingdongsaving
    • By dingdongsaving 21st Dec 18, 7:35 AM
    • 381 Posts
    • 4,721 Thanks
    dingdongsaving
    I hope you found something that suits everyone.
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