14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    spirit wrote: »
    Maybe he was looking for sympathy from your neighbour. He was unlikely to say it was his fault was he.

    and, he knew that anything he said to your neighbour would get back to you.

    Well your right on that one because it did get back to me spirit,Ive said in my posts for the past few days I had a feeling he was angry with me,call it a gut feeling but I strongly felt it and today kind of confirms it.
    But this is what he wanted,he must of wanted it otherwise he wouldn't of left?
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
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    my-user-name wrote: »
    Well your right on that one because it did get back to me spirit,Ive said in my posts for the past few days I had a feeling he was angry with me,call it a gut feeling but I strongly felt it and today kind of confirms it.
    But this is what he wanted,he must of wanted it otherwise he wouldn't of left?

    And I hope you are equally angry with him and for the fact he's spoken about your private life with your neighbour (who you still have to associate with and he doesn't)
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620 Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    Please don't. It's over - he isn't part of your life any more.

    What does it matter what he thinks or says?

    If anyone else tells you that they've seen him or talked to him, tell them you don't want to know and change the subject.

    I can understand the logic of this but part of me also believes it's part of our emotional nature to want some kind of closure from a broken relationship like this so that we can join all the dots together to help us understand better and move on.

    Only you can decide. The reality is that he IS Still part of your emotiotional life until thoughts of him are gradually displaced by other more positive things. You parted with a huge gulf in your relationship. Acrimonious partings damage both parties, even the person who wants to leave a relationship.

    If you think there is any chance that a discussion on neutral territory with a commitment that tempers would not be lost and the discussion would remain calm would help you both move on then maybe both of you would benefit from going that route.

    At some point if you live in the same area your paths may well cross in the future. How much better it would be for both of you if you could at least say Hello without cringing embarrassment and pain which leaves you feeling an emotional wreck for days until you regain your equilibrium again ?

    Ask yourself which route would help you heal more quickly. There are no right answers. Only you can decide.
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    spirit wrote: »
    I'd be inclined to do a bit of self preservation MUN. Distance yourself from him and those who he associates with. Yes, tell the neighbour and anyone else who tells you they've seen him, sorry, you have moved on and are not interested what he has to say for himself now.

    I think it was just a unlucky coincidence that they bumped into each other today spirit,I don't think I could receive news like this on a regular basis.
    I wont contact him that I'm certain of but its left me again with unanswered questions,I,ll just have to live with that I suppose.
    As my dear old mam God rest her soul used to say"so long as I have a hole in my backsideI,ll never iunderstand men",she was right (and a little bit crude at times) lol
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    I can understand the logic of this but part of me also believes it's part of our emotional nature to want some kind of closure from a broken relationship like this so that we can join all the dots together to help us understand better and move on.

    Only you can decide. The reality is that he IS Still part of your emotiotional life until thoughts of him are gradually displaced by other more positive things. You parted with a huge gulf in your relationship. Acrimonious partings damage both parties, even the person who wants to leave a relationship.

    If you think there is any chance that a discussion on neutral territory with a commitment that tempers would not be lost and the discussion would remain calm would help you both move on then maybe both of you would benefit from going that route.

    At some point if you live in the same area your paths may well cross in the future. How much better it would be for both of you if you could at least say Hello without cringing embarrassment and pain which leaves you feeling an emotional wreck for days until you regain your equilibrium again ?

    Ask yourself which route would help you heal more quickly. There are no right answers. Only you can decide.
    Gosh I'm not so sure Primrose??
    Yes I want the answers but no I don't want to speak to him.Although he had a list of faults,anger wasn't really one of them so his words are a bit alien to me.
    If I had just one wish it would be a explaination via a email or letter, meeting up with him I'm not sure how I would cope??I know I wouldn't scream or shout but not really sure how it would pan out if we did actually meet up.
    I suppose I'm scared of getting hurt all over again especially as things seem to be going ok for me at the moment.However I wish I had the truth and wish I could understand his either anger or annoyance with me.Its early days and maybe his feelings are all over the place right now,it just dosent happen to women does it??
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    spirit wrote: »
    And I hope you are equally angry with him and for the fact he's spoken about your private life with your neighbour (who you still have to associate with and he doesn't)


    The neighbour is associated with us on our residents association,we,ve known him for over a year and often he would pop in here for a chat on how things are going in our area.
    So hes kind of half friend,half neighbour.He must of known he would come back and tell me of their conversation.
  • Jojo_the_Tightfisted
    Jojo_the_Tightfisted Posts: 27,228 Forumite
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    my-user-name wrote: »
    Gosh I'm not so sure Primrose??
    Yes I want the answers but no I don't want to speak to him.Although he had a list of faults,anger wasn't really one of them so his words are a bit alien to me.
    If I had just one wish it would be a explaination via a email or letter, meeting up with him I'm not sure how I would cope??I know I wouldn't scream or shout but not really sure how it would pan out if we did actually meet up.
    I suppose I'm scared of getting hurt all over again especially as things seem to be going ok for me at the moment.However I wish I had the truth and wish I could understand his either anger or annoyance with me.Its early days and maybe his feelings are all over the place right now,it just dosent happen to women does it??

    Nah. He's just had his nose put out of joint by you not agreeing to listen to his bull and decided to say really mean things to try and provoke you into giving him some puppydog like attention.


    It's a nasty game which the only way to win in is not to play.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
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  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620 Forumite
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    Well I!m sure an email might help and that at least would would avoid a face to face encounter. His pride is probably hurt that having walked out on you he then got rejected when he tried to even up the balance.

    I would certainly find it easier to find closure having some kind of a parting explanation but obviously it depends on whether he still has an angry axe to grind.
  • my-user-name
    my-user-name Posts: 267 Forumite
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Do you think so??? if that's the case then he needs to grow up,jeeze Ive definatly seen a different side to him in the past few weeks.I wont be playing his game.

    Primrose
    Maybe he wanted me to beg for him not to leave me all those weeks ago,maybe hes annoyed that I haven't mithered and stalked him once he left,all these maybe maybe maybe,s
    I'm still proud that Ive held my head high and got on with things but I don't want him to blame me or if I am to blame then Id love to know what I did so bad to turn him into this angry person.
    I think Jojo could be right.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    I can understand the logic of this but part of me also believes it's part of our emotional nature to want some kind of closure from a broken relationship like this so that we can join all the dots together to help us understand better and move on.
    Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »
    Nah. He's just had his nose put out of joint by you not agreeing to listen to his bull and decided to say really mean things to try and provoke you into giving him some puppydog like attention.

    It's a nasty game which the only way to win in is not to play.

    It is normal to want some explanation so that the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship can be understood but the OP isn't likely to get this from her ex - if there was a rational reason, he would have told her or sent a letter after they split.

    As Jojo says - in his mind, he should be in control of things whereas my-user-name has taken control and is making changes to her life without him.

    Years ago, I had a similar experience when a serious relationship finished. Others fed the message back to me that he was very, very upset - when I said that he had dumped me, they said that he didn't expect me to accept it and thought I would make efforts to get back together.

    His ego couldn't cope with the idea that I would chose to get on with my life rather than plead and try to make him come back.

    I was in tears every day and heart-broken but I couldn't be with someone who played those kind of power games.
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