Help me get some perspective

Treehugger321 · 15 March 2017 at 8:17PM

An old friend is dying, and is coping very well with it. Time frame is a few years according to her doctors. Last weekend she went out with some other friends (people I dislike intensely because they are shallow, nasty and full of their own self importance) One of them who is a nurse but not practicing, took her to one side and told her that the time frame was just the hospital being kind and that she must know that it would actually be "months" and that she should give thought to getting a hospice place as she didn't want to be a burden on her husband and kids. She was stunned but shrugged it off.

When she got home her mood went downhill and now she is taking about autumn funerals, and asking is she a burden on her family. I have never been so angry, my friend says it wasn't said maliciously:mad:.....I just can't tell you how much I hope Karma gets this horrible, nasty woman. My friend is now sitting at home, alone all day dwelling on this when previously she had been handling it all really well.

. I keep going over it and wondering what she wanted to achieve by saying it, what her motive was and I can't come up with anything positive. Even if, god forbid, it is true, what purpose does it serve telling her before her doctors do so. In my experience they are not slow in doing so when it is necessary. I feel like ringing her up and tearing a strip off her and making her see what her actions have caused, but it is really not my place. My friend hasn't told her grown up kids either and I know if they knew they would go crazy, but again it is not my place to tell them either. But I so, so want to.

I know no one can help, I just wanted to vent

Poppy3008 · 15 March 2017 at 8:46PM

My goodness - what a terrible thing to do. I am a nurse and I would NEVER say such a thing to someone in that situation, and actually unless you know the exact details of their disease then you really don't know. I don't believe the medical staff told your friend years and meant months. They do not mince their words in these circumstances. When my brother in law a was dying the dr told him he had months. I have never heard of medical staff lying about time frames. In reality no one really knows how long someone has. It's not an exact science but based on educated information.
I agree this woman has behaved appallingly. I'm very glad to hear she is not a practising nurse. However 'well meaning' she meant to be. And why should she go to a hospice - if your friend wants to be at home, she should. It's no ones business but hers and her families! Yes, she may well want to plan her funeral (my brother in law did before he was told the final news) but again, her business! Now I'm angry!! Vent away!!

Grumpygit · 15 March 2017 at 9:56PM

I don't post a lot, more of a lurker but blimey............words fail me.

With "friends" like that who needs enemies - really.....I mean what the hell was that woman thinking!

If your friend was upbeat and coping what a way to kick her down and make sure her remaining time is spent in misery and guilt at possibly being a burden to her family.

I would be angry as well and I am on your behalf!

I'm sorry for what your friend is going through and you sound like a very supportive person and she is lucky to have you around her.

Jeez....some people......

lika_86 · 15 March 2017 at 10:29PM

I'm not defending this woman but you asked for perspective. You weren't there and are only hearing about this second hand, so whilst it doesn't sound good, it may have been conveyed differently to the way it was conveyed to you.

Life expectancy is normally a median, so this woman may be right, it may be less time and it may be more. I would imagine that most people would rather be prepared for less and have more than be prepared for more and have less.

If this woman's a nurse then maybe she has experience of caring for someone who was terminally ill. It's not how it's depicted in films or on TV, people often end up in a lot of pain and sometimes aren't who they used to be. Some people would rather not have their adult children or partner caring for them at home, helping them go to the loo, shower, feed them etc. Maybe this woman was trying to get your friend to think about the realities and plan for it while she can and while she has a choice about expressing those wishes.

Like I say, I'm not defending this woman or what she said, but offering one possible interpretation.

London50 · 15 March 2017 at 11:52PM

IMO if people are coming towards the end of their life for whatever reason {age or illness}surely ANYONE with an ounce of kindness in them would not say that type of thing to another person.
We all will pass away sometime but surely it is wrong to even hint that it is going to come far sooner that has been suggested by a personal doctor.Even if a suggestion is made to {at least} some type of "bucket list" at least that if far better than saying things about being a burden to their family.
The "friend" IMO was totally out of order and {as it shows} this is now playing on the persons mind. I can now understand why this country will not pass the law to allow assisted dying if there are people around that take this type of stand.

Treehugger321 · 16 March 2017 at 12:09AM

Thank you all. No, I wasn't there, but my friend relayed the events to me quite baldly, and even defended the woman. I think it was only after she got home that the words began to sink in and she started to think that being in the NHS maybe she knew what she was talking about. What incensed me was that my friend didn't think it was said maliciously, but, try as I might, I simply couldn't find a motive that didn't fit that scenario.

unholyangel · 16 March 2017 at 12:32AM

Treehugger321 wrote: »

Thank you all. No, I wasn't there, but my friend relayed the events to me quite baldly, and even defended the woman. I think it was only after she got home that the words began to sink in and she started to think that being in the NHS maybe she knew what she was talking about. What incensed me was that my friend didn't think it was said maliciously, but, try as I might, I simply couldn't find a motive that didn't fit that scenario.

Some people are just insensitive rather than malicious - the effects may be there but the intention isnt.

However I'd perhaps suggest (in a subtle manner) that doctors are far more qualified & experienced to advise on her condition than nurses are (not trying to downplay nurses, they do a great job but its like a 3rd year law student thinking they know better than the countrys top QCs).

However she should make preparations while she is able. The people I've known to be given a limited amount to time to live all seemed to deteriorate really quickly towards the end (the interim wasn't all roses, but in the end went downhill really fast).

Pop_Up_Pirate · 16 March 2017 at 8:53AM

Treehugger321 wrote: »

Thank you all. No, I wasn't there, but my friend relayed the events to me quite baldly, and even defended the woman. I think it was only after she got home that the words began to sink in and she started to think that being in the NHS maybe she knew what she was talking about. What incensed me was that my friend didn't think it was said maliciously, but, try as I might, I simply couldn't find a motive that didn't fit that scenario.

Why not just take your friends word for it and accept that it wasn't a malicious deed?

FBaby · 16 March 2017 at 9:47AM

No, I wasn't there, but my friend relayed the events to me quite baldly, and even defended the woman.

You don't know how accurately she relayed what she heard. The fact she defended her is quite an clue that indeed, it wasn't said without thought, and maybe she did misinterpreted what was said.

Also, although it is likely that the conversation had an impact on her, you can't associate it directly to her mood taking a nose dive. People facing death go through an array of emotions and these can come and go very quickly.

Frankly, I think you are wasting your energy with anger. Be there and support your friend your way and let the other one be there in the way she thinks is good. Your friend is still fully capable to decide who she wants to hang around with and if she feels angry, then I'm sure she can make the decision to avoid her from now on.

Being angry on someone else behalf can come across as undermining them so be careful how you express it to your friend.

gsymoo · 16 March 2017 at 9:51AM

My close friend was diagnosed terminal ill and I know no medical professional 'sugar coated' how long she had left.

I assume she is being seen regularly by a medical team so the only thing I suggest is she discusses the woman's comments with them as they maybe able to put her mind at rest.

While it would be tempting to contact the ex-nurse and ask if she had any idea the harm her 'helpful' comments did, I'm sure that would only result in her re-contacting your ill friend and causing more trouble and stress.

paddy's_mum · 16 March 2017 at 9:52AM

unholyangel wrote: »

Some people are just insensitive rather than malicious - the effects may be there but the intention isnt./QUOTE]

For me, this is the heart of the matter - unbelievably tactless, rather than sheer out-and-out nastiness.

Classic 'the wrong thing but done for the right reasons' in my view.

Help me get some perspective

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free