Renovations and Repayments II: New Year, New Start, New Diary.

Spent this morning sorting the April spreadsheet out whilst son has been helping my cousin out. He!!!8217;s getting a taste for what looking after a pony would really be like if he had one. :eek: Nice to catch up and start to think about some goals for April too.

As usual the things going well in my life are taking my attention. For once that happens to be work related. Probably the first time in my life I!!!8217;ve started to understand the reward which can come with that side of life.

Karmacat wrote: »

I couldn't stop thinking about this since I read it this morning, sorry Alex I'm going to give you some feedback here. Once and once only. Your son is only 7 or 8, is that right? Well, I was a psychotherapist in the private sector for almost 30 years ... and at one stage, almost 50% of my clients were coming to me because of trauma caused by boarding school. The worst ones were sent away at that particular age, 7 or 8.

I'm sure boarding schools are different now, but the fact of separation from parents is still the main point. Not every child who's sent away at that age is traumatised openly, of course, but believe me, after the connection you've built up with your son, sending him outside the home to live could be one of the biggest mistakes you ever make. It could be. I don't know, of course, but I can't leave that unsaid. Once only, as I say.

This, on the other hand, sounds wonderful :j:j:j

Thanks, Karmacat.

I am well aware how boarding can affect people and always said if it were something my son wished to do for the last two years before university I would be happy to oblige.

My son is 7. I want him to stay at the village school, to be honest. Never thought I'd be the one saying this but he is for the most part happy there and has plenty of time out of school to enjoy childhood. I don't know what to think because I am aware I could make a terrible mistake if we were to send our son. Also, not sure I can.

WeeMidgie wrote: »

I'm a boarding school survivor, sent away at 7 years old, parted from my twin brother for the first time ever. And I can confirm what KC said, my parents became estranged, family life was never the same again, the bonds of easy familiarity were gone.

It's too young to be severed from family life, and my brother would say exactly the same. Now in our 60s, both of us still have deep regrets for what we lost at such a tender age.

It wasn't so much the boarding school regime as the loss of everyday family life, and the security that comes with that, that was so damaging. My brother was lucky, also to be in an enriching environment, whereas my boarding school was full of unhappy little girls who formed cliques and there was bullying to contend with, and the after school environment was very poor quality, materially and needless to say, not child centred, it was all about crowd control and conformity.

At least if Little K is unhappy on a day to day basis currently, you.would notice and take appropriate actions, but from a distance these things can be more difficult to spot and when I was unhappy, I learned to suppress it (don't cry, you'll upset the other children) with long term consequences for my emotional and physical health.

Sorry if this sounds gloomy, but why risk Little K's and your close relationship and his emotional health and development? Better to think about options which would keep the family together while making life easier. An au pair? Or free accommodation for a student in return for help with Little K? Or maybe Mrs K might benefit from some other form of support, to help her with her parenting?

I wish you well with prioritising Little K's best interests.

Thank you, weemidgie. You've summed up my own concerns, to be honest. My son has been building independence recently but can be quite sensitive and in need of reassurance when faced with many situations.

It breaks my heart to know he considers my cousin more a mother to him than he does my wife. I find it difficult to see how good my wife is with her nieces when I know she 'll work late / go to the gym so she arrives home after our son has gone to bed. Every so often she makes an effort but it's not lasted yet. I thought we were getting there recently but he did something she took a dislike to and everything is lost. So far as parenting is concerned I am on my own, really.

wishingthemortgaheaway wrote: »

I too have been thinking about what you've said regarding Mrs K and Little K,
I'm just wondering,

What activities are you doing with him after school?
How long does that take?
What time does he go to bed?
How much time does that leave for you and Mrs K?

If Mrs K feels the only way to get some time with you is to send Little K away to school I find that really sad.
I know you have a strong bond with your son and you seem terrified that that isn't going to last, but you need to model good relationships as well as Work at them. Modelling how a married couple and parents act is just as important as teaching him something explicitly.

So as Little K gets older (and he's old enough to start this now) he's old enough to do some independent reading and studying and music practice whilst Mum and Dad prepare tea together, or do some other task that requires two pairs of adult hands. Then, once Little K is safely in Bed, you and Mrs K can spend some quality time together.

Just a thought.

My son goes to bed at 8pm each evening and I read to him for 30 minutes. Before bedtime we walk our dog together, I listen to him read, work on maths, music theory, piano and violin each day. Not sure how he could work on this independently? My wife and I used to cook together years ago, now she just expects dinner or we go out.

After son is in bed my parents call, I work on things which need doing (project, this house, issues with tenants, dealing with my son's fish etc. etc.) and Mrs. K. goes to bed at 10pm each evening. She gets up early and goes to work before my son and I get up. Apparently, she likes to arrive at work early because there's no traffic, so we don't really see each other at all from Monday - Friday.