mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

in_my_wellies · 9 February 2018 at 10:08AM

We are very lucky that I'm able and have time and space for mum to live here. I took early retirement to care for my husband and spend time together. I have no regrets although I am 3 years short of NI years because the rules changed from 30 to 35 after I carefully checked my forecast - but that's another story. Mums doctor advised me to apply for carers credit - I think he felt strongly about it.
Savvy-Sue I have been listening to the book but at 12.30 am before the shipping forecast. The part about not recognising the wardrobe was exactly my mother.

elsien · 9 February 2018 at 10:19AM

Tessiesmum, when you say people should have elderly relatives living with them and caring for them, let's be honest here, in the majority of cases you mean women. They are the ones who usually end up in the caring role. Or carry the burden when relative moves into the family home, even in multigenerational families.
You're a nurse. You should know the reality of caring for someone as their dementia progresses - the constant worry, the aggression, the disturbed nights, not being able to go out in case the person absconds. The difference is, you get to go home at the end if a shift. Family carers don't.
I will help my mum as long as I can. But I will not live with her or have her live with me. I have a mortgage to pay, and we both acknowledge we would drive each other up the wall. My brother, while happy to chuck some money in our direction now and then, would be no practical help at all.
You probably consider me selfish. I don't care and I don't feel guilty. My mum is horrified at the thought of me sacrificing my home and my life to put us both in a situation that would make us both unhappy, and I'm far more concerned about her opinion than anyone else's.
I commend those who are able to do it. But not everyone can. And they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Women don't need yet another stick to be beaten with.

margaretclare · 9 February 2018 at 11:38AM

tessiesmummy wrote: »

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

I don't know how far you'd have to go back into history to find when this was 'traditional'. I do know that one of my great-grandmothers ended her days in a workhouse infirmary. As a child I heard about her and I asked 'why'. Reason given: 'because they couldn't do with her at home'. Couldn't do with her. I've never forgotten that. Approx 100 years ago, or so.

Now, things are very different. DH and I are 80+ and we haven't planned to go into care or to be cared for by anyone else. His relatives are East Midlands, mine are West Yorkshire. I would guess that is the kind of scenario in today's world. Some people I know of have family members in other countries or even on other continents.

Although we live in a bungalow and had a bathroom conveniently to hand, we upgraded it to a wet-room recently. We stipulated that it mustn't look 'institutional' i.e. no white tiles etc. When we're gone, a lot of people are busy and prefer showers nowadays. The local airport is always looking for accommodation, and their staff are used to showers - busy lives!

margaretclare · 9 February 2018 at 11:41AM

elsien wrote: »

Tessiesmum, when you say people should have elderly relatives living with them and caring for them, let's be honest here, in the majority of cases you mean women. They are the ones who usually end up in the caring role. Or carry the burden when relative moves into the family home, even in multigenerational families.
You're a nurse. You should know the reality of caring for someone as their dementia progresses - the constant worry, the aggression, the disturbed nights, not being able to go out in case the person absconds. The difference is, you get to go home at the end if a shift. Family carers don't.
I will help my mum as long as I can. But I will not live with her or have her live with me. I have a mortgage to pay, and we both acknowledge we would drive each other up the wall. My brother, while happy to chuck some money in our direction now and then, would be no practical help at all.
You probably consider me selfish. I don't care and I don't feel guilty. My mum is horrified at the thought of me sacrificing my home and my life to put us both in a situation that would make us both unhappy, and I'm far more concerned about her opinion than anyone else's.
I commend those who are able to do it. But not everyone can. And they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Women don't need yet another stick to be beaten with.

I couldn't agree more.

System · 9 February 2018 at 12:19PM

tessiesmummy wrote: »

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

Come back and bleat when youve walked the walk.

dawyldthing · 10 February 2018 at 1:09AM

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

If she doesn't have care needs at present it's pointless applying for AA - when (and if) she does, that's the time to apply.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/eligibility

Not necessarily. If she writes down the reasons she's moved her in from what she's said I'll be surprised if they don't get some help

dawyldthing · 10 February 2018 at 1:12AM

in_my_wellies wrote: »

We are very lucky that I'm able and have time and space for mum to live here. I took early retirement to care for my husband and spend time together. I have no regrets although I am 3 years short of NI years because the rules changed from 30 to 35 after I carefully checked my forecast - but that's another story. Mums doctor advised me to apply for carers credit - I think he felt strongly about it.
Savvy-Sue I have been listening to the book but at 12.30 am before the shipping forecast. The part about not recognising the wardrobe was exactly my mother.

Also check your national insurance online record as you can top it up if it's only a few years ago

badmemory · 10 February 2018 at 1:33AM

What many fail to realise when advocating caring for a family member, is that the family member reaches a stage where they are totallly unrecognisable as the person that you knew. They say & do things which are totally alien to the person you thought you knew. It is one thing to care for someone you know but it is a lot harder to do that for a complete stranger - for that is what they may well become.

AnotherJoe · 10 February 2018 at 2:05AM

in_my_wellies wrote: »

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/power-of-attorney-fee-refund-scheme-launched

many thanks, I shall look into this

Its dead easy, I did four (two for two people) this afternoon in 5 minutes.

System · 10 February 2018 at 5:01PM

My Mother had dementia and lost the use of her legs and later her arms...She slept most of the day and wailed most of the night. To have coped with this if she'd lived with me I'd have had to fit my sleeping pattern round her and ignored everyone and everything else. Then there was the bruises and yes a thick lip she gave one of the carers as they changed her pad. Oh she kept her carers in the retirement home on their toes (and carpets as she would tip her liquid medication on the floor when she didnt want to take it).

£500 a week her stay cost and it was worth every penny.

In my wellies I hope it works out for you. I hope you have a good support network too.

mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

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