Aligning the Stars

redofromstart · 11 June 2018 at 11:27AM

No real advice but much empathy from me. I can see where you are both coming from, which is easy when you are not emotionally involved. yes it is normal to not be magically aligned, particularly when you have had no choice but to be independent previously.

Starmummy · 11 June 2018 at 12:13PM

Thanks for checking in on me Redo. I can always rely on you

Storm89 · 12 June 2018 at 10:21AM

Hi starmummy hope you're feeling a little more positive today. I can only echo the sympathy sentiments. Debt can put pressure on the strongest of relationships. I'm sure your OH is only wanting to help but I think you're right in if god forbid you ever did seperate you don't want to owe him money.

Starmummy · 12 June 2018 at 10:32AM

Feeling a bit better today.

I practised some self care. Good nutritious food, A face pack and long hot shower, then yoga, read a book with some aromatherapy candles then a guided meditation and an early night.

I'm swimming tonight after work and that's always good for clearing my mind. I also heard from the counsellor I'm on the waiting list for, she said that she should have some time to do my initial assessment next month so I'll look forward to that.

Money wise: I've just got the £50 payment to go to my Transfer credit card at the end of the month which will bring me into the 12k's by a smidgen. So that's another milestone achieved. It's really starting to feel achievable now. I am mindful that being debt free won't just make all my worries disappear though. I need to learn to be ok with where I am and worry far less.

I'm still waiting on some work expenses before I can pay for my next lot of study materials (that I can then reclaim back on expenses). I suppose I could use some of my interest free overdraft or EF to pay this but I'm reluctant to get into a cycle of using money that isn't mine or that has been set aside for other things. It should only put me behind a week and i'm confident I can catch up but I'm also aware how easy it is to fall out of the habit of studying a little bit every day and then leaving myself in a blind panic a month before the exam. Hmm I'll give it some thought. I think my expenses should be in this week and the next lot could/should be paid by the end of the month. Wouldn't be a problem if StarChild's dad had bothered to pay his maintenance this month...but that's another issue all together.

Take Care
SM

scoobysnax40 · 12 June 2018 at 12:41PM

Hi SM,

Found your diary a few weeks ago and have been following with interest.

Congratulations on your achievements to date. It's one of the diaries on here that has helped to spur me on so when I saw your post about borrowing money from your partner, I wanted to offer my 2 cents.

My partner has enough money saved to clear my outstanding debts. In the past, in a half serious / half joking tone, I've even suggested to her that she could lend me the money to become debt free and I would pay her back rather than the banks and credit card companies. She has refused. Initially it did cause tensions between us because to me, it seemed like the most logical option, especially since I was paying interest on everything, but thinking back, her reasons are sound - she had the kids to think of, and she didn't know if I would be true to my word, or even that I would be able to clear the debt and and keep it clear, not just allow it to build back up again, like it has so many times in the past.

She never did lend me the money and, to be honest, I'm grateful. I got myself into this mess on my own, and by Joe if I'm not going to get myself out of it on my own.

I suspect that the sense of achievement I feel at the end, when my DFD comes, will be all the sweeter because I did do it alone, without any help from anyone.

Best of luck to you on the remainder of your journey,
Scooby

Starmummy · 12 June 2018 at 3:14PM

Thank you for all the support guys.
It makes so much difference to know that i'm not alone. Debt can be so isolating and shameful and I think that's the crux of my issue with Mr Star.
I am ashamed that I got into this mess, I don't want him to take on my 'baggage' the debt was accumulated through holidays with ex-boyfriends and court fees with StarChilds dad...if it had just been the general overspends I guess I wouldn't be so stubborn about it.

I am starting to understand that he feels that by not letting him help I don't have faith or trust in our relationship, that I'm not in this for the long haul. Honestly, I can't imagine my life without this man. I can't imagine him not being there at my graduation next year, I can't imagine not travelling with him again, I can't imagine him not being there at StarChilds wedding etc etc etc.

Money means very little to him. He had debts into his early thirties but never worried about them (This was all pre-mortgage though) He spent most of his adult life living in various countries around the world and spent his money on good times, travel and beers on the beach/on the ski slopes.
Now he earns a LOT of money, more than I can envisage myself earning even with my chosen career path which should prove very well paid. He also has a lot of money saved (my debt multiple times over) and invested and there is a lot of equity in the house too.

To him the amount I owe is no worry, the fact I won't let him help is.
I really need to think about it, I don't want it to come between us.
I am also aware that I need to learn some life lessons from this, budgeting, prioritising, living within my means etc.

I guess continuous communication is needed here isn't it.

I'm so rubbish at this side of relationships, I'm so stubborn and independent. I've never been in a relationship so generous and I feel so guilty that I can't repay all the time, money and effort he puts in with me and StarChild.

oh well, constantly trying to find answers keeps the brain ticking over.

Take care
SM

redofromstart · 12 June 2018 at 5:17PM

Its difficult, and I am not sure that you want the thoughts of others but I was thinking about this while cleaning.

I can see his point of view too. You tell him you love him, that you want to marry him, that you want to have a child with him and that you can't imagine a life without him but then you say he can't help with your debt because its yours. I don't know about you but I don't actually pay as much attention to what is said, it's what is actually done that matters to me. Maybe think about the messages you are sending out and how you would feel the other way round if he only let you into part of his world. I know its hard to let go of being independent but actually are you accidentally setting a wall up around yourself that's quite hard for him to cope with?

Couple of things to perhaps think about: if you had to take star childs dad to court again after you got married whos cost would you see that as? If starman wanted to adopt starchild then who would pay the legal fees? Change her surname to his, fees? If you have a child together who would pay for childcare/birthdays/etc? Who pays for starchild things? Would that make your finances joint finances? How do you split household costs? Do you pay him rent?

Not asking you to answer these here, I'm just trying to get you to look at your own thought patterns. If you are still together in 50 years will it still be your money and his?

I think in his shoes I'd feel quite excluded, boxed out of areas - does that make sense? He may feel that you send out messages of ''Relationship lite' and just dipping your toes in rather than diving in wholeheartedly, even if that is not the intention.

I absolutely get and respect your desire to cover this yourself, and to protect yourself and your child. Equally I get his natural loving want to help you, and the natural progression in his mind of 'we' and 'us' and 'family' to wanting to support you especially when he clearly afford to do so. The fact that he is talking about 'lending it to you' rather than 'paying it off for you' suggests that he is trying to respect your views.

Much sympathetic thought from me, its a difficult situation. I hope you can find a way through that works for you both.

natsplatnat · 12 June 2018 at 5:17PM

Hi SM!

I have just read through your diary, and can totally identify with how you are feeling. When I owed (a lot) of money, I was lucky enough that OH offered to loan me the money interest free to get myself straight sooner. He was going to 'give' me the money, but that just wasn't going to happen. I repaid OH a fixed amount every week (was paid weekly at the time so made sense) and in the end cleared everything with 0% interest. It still took what felt like ever - but the main thing was to get it gone. As it was, repaying OH still meant that I had very little spare cash to do frivolous things with, but it was over quicker so we could start planning the future.

Could / would you consider 'borrowing' enough from Mr Star to clear one of the loans? I'm just thinking that this could open up 2 options for you (as I am presuming you will have a reduced settlement figure)….

you re-pay Mr Star at the same monthly figure as you are paying the loan now, but due to settling the loan earlier you pay him for less months.
(may depend on Mr Star agreeing) you re-pay Mr Star over the number of months you had left on your loan. This will be at a lower monthly figure than you are currently paying but you could use the difference either to make 'life' a bit more bearable or use to clear the other loan or a card quicker.

With both options I would set up a SO to Mr Star so it comes out like a debt repayment because essentially it still is!

I'm just thinking that this way you won't feel totally financially tied to Mr Star but it will help you get to the future quicker.

Just my musings (well, I fear it reads as waffle) but I hope they may be of some help. x

Starmummy · 13 June 2018 at 11:02AM

I definitely need to open up to him more. We must sit and talk properly about these things like adults. Not be so emotional and anxious about the whole saga.

Thank you so much again for all the support.
Sometimes it takes someone impartial to really make you see things in black and white.

Lucifa73 · 13 June 2018 at 12:16PM

Hello! I've read your diary and you definitely speak my language -I can also inhale Jaffa cakes and have a knack using 'fridge gravel' in risottos and pasta dishes :rotfl:

A couple thoughts came to me as I read through your diary:

I feel better when I dress the part too. My employer has a casual dress policy and I have recently been sliding to the far end of casual. Yesterday I decided to dress to a 'smart casual' standard and the whole day felt better. Lesson learned. Need to squeeze 10 more minutes in to get my face done in the morning (can't face putting make-up on in the train - no idea why as it seems most women on my commute do this...)
When you get days when the debt busting feels slow or tedious remember you are still digging the tunnel to being debt free and no longer digging a bottomless pit of debt...
Check out TK Maxx for Epsom salts. They often have great value packs and sometimes have some nice scented ones.
Book shop spends are an essential element of my monthly budget and the experience of browsing the shelves, picking a book (possibly 2) and then relaxing in the coffee shop in store and reading the first few pages/chapters gives me a priceless feeling of peace and well being. If my book turnover is prolific (2,000 pages last weekend ) I use Kindle unlimited. Amazon definitely lose out on that deal with me and my son being total bookworms!
Decent school shoes are non-negotiable.
You live in my dream house (or will once you've done all the work...)
Perhaps you could strike a balance with Mr Star? Borrow to cover the loans so you pay less interest, set up an SO as natsplatnat suggests so you are still paying it off yourself without lining the lenders' pockets. Keep paying the 0% cards yourself.

Anyway. That's enough hi-jacking your diary. I have subscribed and look forward to seeing you thrive

Aligning the Stars

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