MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

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  • KxMx
    KxMx Posts: 10,596 Forumite
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    I think he is the chief mourner and you should respect his wishes.

    I went to a funeral aged 20 of a friend who died far too young.

    Frankly I was horrified with the service as were many others my age. We didn't feel it was "him" at all nor what he would have wanted. But that was what his Mum wanted so you know our feelings didn't really matter. We are pretty upset years on there is no memorial stone and she keeps his ashes at home- but that it totally her choice and we respect that.

    Also when Granddad died 2 years ago we were all happy to abide by Nan's wishes, she was the one suffering the most, if we were asked our input we gave our honest thoughts but if not we let her organise things as she wanted.
  • ALI1973
    ALI1973 Posts: 288 Forumite
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    Vikipollard wrote: »
    Are your OH's sisters "full" sisters or "step"?


    Just wondering if this is in any way a factor.


    I accept people grieve in different ways - many selfishly, without thought for how this will impact on others. It's not okay.


    If it was me, I would attend to say my goodbyes to the MIL you were close to, and to support DH. I wouldn't go to the wake though (either of you). You have been given a perfect reason not to - you need to get back to your children as the wishes of FIL prevented them from being there.


    Then as the lovely post earlier suggested, have your own private celebration of her life with your family.


    Very sorry for your loss.

    Thank you, they are all full siblings. FIL (step) has not spoken with his own children for many years.
  • DUTR
    DUTR Posts: 12,958 Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I'm afraid my dad died ten years ago, and my mother is unable to look after them, so it's friends we will have to rely on and could not expect them to stay overnight.

    You're right I am very conscious I am sounding as though its about me, it's really not, and I am trying to be rational. My DD has just asked who she goes to at school on the day of the funeral if she is upset, and it breaks my heart that I cannot support my own kids and my hubby together.

    I don't see why there needs to be such a drama, the hubby goes to his Mother's funeral service, you stay at home with the children and they continue thier day as normal. There will be (sadly) more funeral's in future that can be attended.
    TBH it is annoying when a service is in flow and children are causing distraction, I have been to services where the parents will take the crying baby outside, or some just do not enter the church etc in the 1st place.
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
    Vikipollard wrote: »

    I wouldn't go to the wake though (either of you). You have been given a perfect reason not to - you need to get back to your children as the wishes of FIL prevented them from being there.

    I think her DH needs to go to the wake as part of his grieving process.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • ALI1973
    ALI1973 Posts: 288 Forumite
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    Brighton_belle wrote: »
    Your youngest who is now 9 hasn't seen their grandmother since they were 5, so where is their deep need to say goodbye coming from?
    Me and my siblings were not allowed at our grandmothers funeral, age 18,16 and 12 at our grandfathers insistence. No one acted insulted and my parents both went without us.
    I think there would be greater value in you holding your own little ceremony at home for the children and sharing stories about grandma. I've learnt far more about mine in the many years since.
    I think you should go to the wake (and funeral) and support your husband - make it about him not you.
    That isn't meant to not acknowledge this feels difficult for you and that 4 years ago effectively, you lost someone you were close to.

    Yes we have been semi-grieving for years, and I don't think myself or DH realised how hard it would hit the children or us. My youngest is reacting to ours and her sisters grief, I know that, but she has asked to attend and had this not happened, I would have happily taken her.

    I think you are all very right, I have taken it all personally, and I really want to support my kids and my DH - I am just finding it hard to strike the balance, as DH doesn't (and possibly shouldn't) want to compromise on what I am comfortable with, as I want to leave straight after the funeral and come home to my kids.
  • ALI1973
    ALI1973 Posts: 288 Forumite
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    Torry_Quine wrote: »
    Is it possible to ask him the reason and see if you can allay any fears he has?

    He just gets angry and says he can't cope.
  • ALI1973
    ALI1973 Posts: 288 Forumite
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    DUTR wrote: »
    I don't see why there needs to be such a drama, the hubby goes to his Mother's funeral service, you stay at home with the children and they continue thier day as normal. There will be (sadly) more funeral's in future that can be attended.
    TBH it is annoying when a service is in flow and children are causing distraction, I have been to services where the parents will take the crying baby outside, or some just do not enter the church etc in the 1st place.

    I have offered to stay home with the children, but DH says he needs me with him. Please be assured my children know exactly how to behave at a funeral and would not be any more of a distraction than any other mourner.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    He just gets angry and says he can't cope.

    That's a good enough reason! I think you're taking this all too personally as if he has set out to individually annoy you.
  • Andypandyboy
    Andypandyboy Posts: 2,472 Forumite
    I think you are going to have to respect his decision then. If it is about his grief and how he can best get throught the day then I think it should be his way.
    You are taking it too personally- it is not about a slight to your children, it is about him managing his emotion and also seeing youngish children upset, it may be too much for him to contemplate.

    My own mother felt that way and our eldest child did not attend my father's funeral for that reason and because she believed that children should not be exposed to the depths of adult grief until absolutely necessary. Rightly or wrongly, but we respected her wishes and our son went to school as normal.
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,828 Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    He just gets angry and says he can't cope.

    I know you've said that the children aren't going but is seems sad to me that the family can't grieve together. I wonder what others may think when the children aren't there?

    Wonder what he thinks he will need to do to cope?
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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