Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

crazy_cat_lady · 3 May 2018 at 9:50AM

Good morning everyone, :hello:

I've had a bit of a break from the forums over the past couple of months, but today seems like a good time to come back on here and to start a new diary. An awful lot has changed in my life over the past couple of weeks and it's going to take some time and effort to adjust, and more than ever I need the support and accountability of being on here to keep me on the straight and narrow as far as my finances are concerned.
I hope that some of my usual bunch have followed me to this diary, and welcome to anyone new that might be reading. I need all of the help and support that I can get...

determined_new_ms · 3 May 2018 at 10:25AM

Hi cat

looking forward to joining you. Good luck with new chapters x

crazy_cat_lady · 3 May 2018 at 10:35AM

Hi again :coffee:

So, grab a cuppa and settle in - otherwise skip through this post because I fear it has the potential to become very long and quite boring.

If you read my last diaries, then you'll already know that I'm a stresshead teacher, crazy cat lady who has always just done her best to be a good person and keep everything together and deal with whatever life throws at me.
I found the Easter holidays quite tough, it was stressy with dh at home plus one of my besties has also been signed off from work with stress and it's tough to see her like that, knowing that there's nothing I can do to help her. On top of that, the weather was blimming miserable, and my birthday skipped by without any acknowledgement from my husband. On the day he stayed in bed until after 6pm and got up just as I was getting ready to settle for the night. The one night out I'd had planned for my birthday was cancelled last minute when my other bestie unfortunately got gastroenteritis. So I ended up going back to work not feeling on top of my game, a bit miserable and not that ready for anything.
As we're running into GCSE time, there are 2 overriding attitudes from Year 11 at school. One is sheer panic, and the other is that it's too late to do anything now so there's no point in bothering. I found the first week back quite difficult with the attitude and my own mental health. On top of that I was getting home from work to find dh lying on the sofa with nothing done around the house, and no effort at all on his part. After a particularly upsetting run in with a Year 11 student that I love on the first Friday back, I got home from school almost broken. I was so shocked that I couldn't be upset, or angry - I just felt nothing at all. I got home, explained to the kids that I needed an early night and to try and sleep it off.
Saturday I went to my bestie's house and got everything off my chest there. She said that I couldn't continue the way I was with all my work stress and home stress, and that I needed to talk to dh and ask him for some support. So by Saturday night I'd psyched myself up for the conversation and went to speak to him at about half past ten.
It was a very frank discussion. I explained that I was feeling awful, and very unsupported by him again. I told him that things weren't working, and that I'd tried everything I could to try and help him, but if he wasn't prepared to support me and help himself then we needed to consider whether it was worth carrying on. He listened to everything I had to say and said nothing at all. I asked him to have a good think about what he wanted and went to bed just after 11pm thinking that the chat had gone better than I thought and got a brilliant night of sleep. Woke up at 8am on Sunday and he wasn't in bed - no big surprise as he often sleeps on the sofa. Came downstairs to let the cats in - front door was unlocked, and when I opened the door I noticed that my car was gone. So I looked in the living room - no sign of dh and his phone was left on the charger in front of the telly. I fed the cats and had a look around and discovered that he was gone with his wallet and a jacket, in my car, and I also found 8 empty lager cans in the recycling bin. As he hadn't taken his phone and I was supposed to be going tutoring at 11am I started to panic a bit and I rang the police to report him drunk driving and missing.
The police came out and searched the house, took a description etc and told me that the car had been caught on ANPR in Dumfries (approx 150 miles away) at 7am. They decided he was medium risk and told me that Police Scotland had all of the details but it could be days before we knew anything.
After they went I started ringing round my friends and family - upset and worried, but also really, really angry with him. I kept thinking (and still do even now) that I'd asked him for help and support and that he responded to that by getting drunk, stealing my car and running away. My bestie arrived fairly quickly with coffee and support, and by the time my mam arrived a couple of hours later there was still no word, but I'd decided that he had crossed the line for the last time and that he wasn't coming home, even if he was ok. I'd had to cancel my tutoring, explain to the kids that he was missing, speak to my bosses at work etc. and all I'd wanted was for him to support me.
I kept thinking of all the times he'd pretty much ignored my existence, and how many times I'd tried to support him through his depression and drinking and the fact that we always ended up in the same place. So I got the locks changed so that he couldn't come home. He eventually phoned me from a phone box in Stirling at about 3pm to tell me he'd be home by 7. I told him that he wasn't coming home, that the police were looking for him and that I'd reported my car stolen and him as a drunk driver. He just kept saying, 'You're joking'. I told him he wasn't coming back into the house and that he could stay at my dads for a couple of days until he sorted himself out.
Then I rang the police to tell them I'd heard from him, and I arranged for my dad to have him for a couple of days (he has no family or friends, and I was worried that he would end up hanging around in our garden or something). I packed him a bag, and my bestie took the kids to hers. When he arrived back I drove him to my dad's place and left him there. I was really shouty at him the whole way, and he just kept saying he was sorry and that he does love me and the kids. I told him I was done and told my dad to kick him out when he'd had enough of him.
So I woke up Monday and I felt brilliant. Really euphoric, like I should have done it years ago and my life was beginning again. On the other side my dad rang me to tell me that dh was in bed and not eating, or drinking or anything. I rang our doctors, and the crisis team to let them know what had happened, and was told as always that they can't do anything unless he asks for help. The police went to my dad's house to tell dh off and suggest he get some help. By the end of Wednesday, reality had hit a bit - my dad was struggling with dh, and ds's favourite new expression is that he hates me. I got into work on Thursday and was sent straight home because my only available emotions were tears, or shouting, which isn't any good when you're a teacher. My mam came round and helped me pack up the rest of his clothes and took them to my dad's house on her way home.
By Friday, he and I had a long chat on the phone where I explained that I really was done, I wasn't going to calm down and he wasn't going to be forgiven. He accepted what I'd told him and said he would start looking for a room to rent - trouble being that he's been off work for months and has no money. Not really my problem but I don't want him at my dad's for ever either. We were very civil with each other, and I really hope that it stays like this while we sort everything out. I never wanted to hate him and I certainly didn't want things to end like this but I can't fix him and he won't try so I'm going to move on.
That was just last week - I was going to go back to work on Monday this week, but my head just isn't in the right place at all. I'm ok within myself but teaching is hard at the best of times and I just need to make sure I'm a bit more settled before I go back. The doctor has given me this week off and I'm determined I'm going back on Tuesday.
I know that I've done the right thing, but that doesn't mean it's not difficult. We were together for almost 16 years and it's a massive change. Thankfully I have a lot of support from friends and family, and there's only him and ds that think I've made a mistake - most other people are just amazed that I put up with the situation as long as I did. It is hard though when you love someone and see the good in them but they don't want to help themselves.

Congratulations if you've read this far. It's been very therapeutic for me to write it all down that's for sure, :T

Ayeshalush · 3 May 2018 at 10:37AM

Hi cat

Good to see you back. I was a regular lurker on your last diary and have been concerned by your lack of posts.

I'm sorry to hear you have been having a difficult time. You know you'll get lots of support on here from your diary buddies and I plan to offer my support by posting more regularly too.

Wishing you well with all the new challenges you face.

A
x

Blondetotty · 3 May 2018 at 10:44AM

Holy heck! I don't know you or have read your previous diaries but just wanted to throw some support out your way.
You've totally done the right thing, only he can fix himself, not you. You be responsible for you and your kids and let him figure out his own path, maybe it will end up being what he needs to sort himself out or maybe not, but that is down to him.
You concentrate on you but bloody well done and kudos for wanting to get straight back into work during this time.
You go girl!

crazy_cat_lady · 3 May 2018 at 10:45AM

So, now this new chapter in my life begins.
Me, 2 kids and 7 cats.
I fully intend to stay in the house, and I believe I can afford to because I have always been the main earner. I just don't know how to budget with one less adult, and none of the income from him (it was £700 a month when he was working). So I need to find a way of saving £700 a month as I'm scared of getting into debt again, and then I need to look into getting legal advice for a divorce and as much of a financial clean break as I can, and the sooner the better. My mind is made up so there's no point in putting things off - it's just the additional costs there.
I have binned off all of the tv sports channels which has immediately saved me £50 a month so that's a good start. Once I get onto the council and sort out the single person's discount that will be another £30 a month, so a good start. I don't know how much I'll save on gas, electric and food now he's not here, but if anyone has any tips or advice I'd be grateful. I'm not going to post up a SOA because I don't want to be ripped to bits and told to get rid of the cats etc. I can afford the mortgage on my own, and I can afford to run the house, I just need to be careful (I think).
I've shopped at Aldi, and meal planned for the week, and have started my spending diary again. I can definitely cut back on groceries, holidays and eating out. It's just a bit of a change. I think I'll go and join the May challenge if that's running to help me onwards.

Blondetotty · 3 May 2018 at 10:56AM

Do you have enough bedrooms to take a lodger at all? Maybe a short term one, Monday to Friday or even a student? Just a thought. I've got a foreign student in my current spare bedroom (with the landlords permission) and she pays a decent chunk of my rent while also providing free cat sitting when I'm away!!! I made sure to get a cat lover who misses her own ;-)

crazy_cat_lady · 3 May 2018 at 10:57AM

Hello to everyone that has already posted in the time that I've been spilling my life story online. It's so nice to know that I'm not on my own. I will get busy during the exam season, but I don't intend to neglect the support and advice I have from people on here any more. Apart form my kids, it's time for me to put myself first and to do what I want and what is good for us.
I'm off to catch up with a couple of other threads.

Ayeshalush · 3 May 2018 at 11:12AM

Oh what a time you've had CCL!

It's time now to look after you and your kids (not forgetting the cats of course ) and it's good to see that you are positive and making plans. The only person who can help your husband is himself and until he decides he wants help then he won't get any better so it sounds as though you have absolutely made the right decision for you and your family as this has been going on for such a long time, but you already know that.

A
x

PurpleFairy26 · 3 May 2018 at 12:57PM

Subscribed

you won't be able to fix the budget in a day but chip away at what you can when you can, you'll do it.

greent · 3 May 2018 at 2:02PM

I don't think anyone can understand just how hard it is to live with a long term depressed person unless they've experienced it. It's soul-sapping and you do move away from sympathy to self preservation - you have to, and even more so when children are involved. You have my sympathies, CCL - and all credit to you for taking the step you've taken. No useful things to add, but see you in Turtle land x

Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

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