Keeping up with the Joneses

Cat_Loving_Lady · 5 February 2019 at 12:43PM

I am a almost 50 year old, married 2 teenagers. Despite having a good income between the two of is things are alwsys tight. We have a high mortgage, and a few debts. Over the years we've always tried to do the best for our kids and they both have savings in place of about £10k each when they reach 18. Eldest son is about to turn 18.

Life itself is causing me to be depressed. Not because of me but my mother is always comparing us to others. She has friends who are better off than us and buying their kids brand new cars and often makes comments like aren't they lucky. She does the same about people's houses etc comparing them to ours. I'm fed up of it all.

I can't compare to others but feel I've done the best with what I have had available.

I've put up with this for years and it's absolute torture. I feel it puts such a weight on my shoulders.

Would like to know if anyone else has felt in same position.

pjcox2005 · 5 February 2019 at 12:52PM

I think those comments are reflective of society as a whole. Nice houses, cars etc are lovely to have but it doesn't measure a persons value to me.

Perhaps an exercise in positive thinking is useful, note down what you think are key traits in a person and how they conduct your life, and how do you try to measure up to them. I expect your list is unlikely to be on material possessions but more personality traits.

The final bit is, and this doesn't apply to all those with big houses etc, is having an awareness that quite often people sacrifice something to attain them. It may be an improved home life balance to work long hours, so ask yourself, if you could go again would you change those things. Most people I believe are relatively content that they made the right decisions at the time for their circumstances (e.g. delay to a career because of looking after kids).

tacpot12 · 5 February 2019 at 2:01PM

I would suggest you tell her that she has been comparing you to other people for too long. Just say that she is no longer welcome to share her thoughts on your life with you. If she does it again, just walk away or go home, and keep doing this until she gets the message.

She has plenty of freinds she can discuss your life with if she wants to, she doesn't need to discuss it with you.

badmemory · 5 February 2019 at 7:49PM

I suggest you treat her as you would a 3 year old who has started an inappropriate conversation in a checkout queue (we have all been there haven't we?). You visit with diversionary tactics already in mind & as soon as she starts you deploy them.

You could always start on the offensive. eg I can't believe your neighbours are still buying those gas guzzling, ozone layer ruining & totally unnecessarily large car, just for the bragging rights, they should be ashamed of themselves, what are they teaching their children about the planets resources.

fred246 · 5 February 2019 at 8:21PM

It's only a guess but I wonder whether you are spending too much on cats.

fred246 · 6 February 2019 at 2:55PM

My mum used to be a bit like that. Then we moved into a much bigger house than her and her friends and then she was REALLY nasty. Obviously very jealous. So you might find whatever you do will be wrong. Giving children lots of money has been shown to make them poorer in the long term. Children don't learn how to earn money and look after it if they are given everything without any effort.

Jox · 6 February 2019 at 4:03PM

There will always be someone to compare to, try to feel grateful for all you have and not let other people make you feel bad, you are very lucky to have all the things and people in your life and many others would love to have what you have!

Mojisola · 6 February 2019 at 5:01PM

Cat_Loving_Lady wrote: »

Life itself is causing me to be depressed. Not because of me but my mother is always comparing us to others.

She has friends who are better off than us and buying their kids brand new cars and often makes comments like aren't they lucky. She does the same about people's houses etc comparing them to ours.

I'm fed up of it all.

It's a very nasty way to behave with you - you don't really think that everyone she knows is financially better off than you, do you? She's just being selective with the people she compares you to in order to make you feel bad yourself.

Follow the advice from tacpot12 and badmemory - take back control of your interactions with her.

MovingForwards · 6 February 2019 at 5:46PM

My mom is like that! Always comparing me to others and also critical of anything I wore, weight going up / down / up, my car's (til she was getting a lift), she rearranged my house once when I went away with my then husband!

In the end I snapped, told her I am *name* and not *neighbour* *sister* or anyone else.

Hasn't done it since.

onomatopoeia99 · 7 February 2019 at 3:26PM

Why is your mother even in your life that much when you have children approaching being adults?

For me seeing my parents is a distinct activity that is usually planned weeks in advance. It sounds like she's in your life way more than that.

Tell her that she's not welcome in your home until she adjusts her attitude.

-taff · 7 February 2019 at 3:40PM

It' not life causing you to be depressed, it's your reaction to your mothers inappropriate comments.
Change you reaction to them, your mother is no more or no less worth listening to than you choose. You can decide that her opinions are as valid or not as you like. If you don't think they are helpful, ignore them,deflect them, say thank you but I'm not your friends etc and tell her you will be doing that from on or whatever other reaction you think will work to get your opinion across to her.

I'd be asking though, if her friends are doing this for their children, why is she not doing it for you? I expect that'll shut her up.

Keeping up with the Joneses

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