Old style as an escape from the world?

PasturesNew · 23 January 2019 at 3:10PM

I'm from the other side of things... I could be called Old Style because I've not been able to afford any of the things others are downsizing from.... indeed, a lot of the time I've not even achieved their level of "comfort" when they see themselves as "living at their bottom rung for fun".

I don't wrap in fleeces to "save money on heating" - it's because I've "no more money for heating".... and my fleeces came from shops for £2, not John Lewis ones

White_musk · 23 January 2019 at 4:27PM

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'm from the other side of things... I could be called Old Style because I've not been able to afford any of the things others are downsizing from.... indeed, a lot of the time I've not even achieved their level of "comfort" when they see themselves as "living at their bottom rung for fun".

I don't wrap in fleeces to "save money on heating" - it's because I've "no more money for heating".... and my fleeces came from shops for £2, not John Lewis ones

A sobering post and one that has made me stop in my tracks and think about things a little deeper.

Thank you for sharing this PN. I appreciate your candour.

Angel_Jenny · 18 February 2019 at 4:35PM

My home is very much my refuge right now ..... my grandad died at the end of January and then my brother died last week. I'm swinging from pretending I am ok to having full on crying breakdowns. Don't know how work will go x

Nargleblast · 18 February 2019 at 4:52PM

Angel_Jenny, I am sorry to hear that. It is all so new and raw for you right now, so it is natural your emotions are all over the place. Be kind to yourself and don't make any important decisions whilst things are like this. One day at a time.

monnagran · 18 February 2019 at 5:15PM

That's just awful angeljenny. To lose 2 important people so close together must be hitting you very hard. If I were you, I wouldn't try too hard to pretend you are OK. The biggest lie that we all tell is, "I'm fine. "No one will expect you to be OK.
I saw a wonderful explanation of grief the other day. She said that we usually think that grief fills our life for a while, like a circle coloured in, and as time goes on other things come into our lives and the coloured in bit of the circle grows smaller as other things take its place.. In fact, she says, its not like that at all. The coloured circle of grief that fills our life at the begining doesnt get smaller, it is always there. What happens is, that around the circle of our grief eventually we step outside it a little way and make a bigger circle that we fill with other things. The more things we do and fill our lives with, the bigger that circle gets, but our circle of grief is still there, just the same size and just as painful. We can visit it when we want to but when we have had enough we can step outside into our larger life, leaving our grief circle until we want to visit again.
That seems complicated to explain, I hope you understand it.
I think that over time the grief loses its sharpness, and when we revisit it we can enjoy happy memories and be comforted.

I've gone on too long. Lots of hugs and love to you Angel.

Mistral001 · 19 February 2019 at 9:04PM

When my brother died and left me on my own, I did let things go a little and relatives started to mention that I had clutter. After getting over my annoyance with these relatives who could afford cleaners and could dump perfectly good household items without batting an eye, I made a start to the house. Note clutter is not a crime and you will not be taken to the Hague and tried for crimes against humanity for having a cluttered house, but a little tidying up does make life a little more comfortable for most people.

The best advice I could give anyone is to start from the outside and work in. It is natural to do the opposite of say starting with the living room or kitchen and working out as those are the rooms are most used and most noticeable to the visitors to the house. There will be many things that you will want to keep in the kitchen and living room even though they might not be used very often so it is quite natural that you will not want to throw them out immediately but instead maybe move them to the attic or outhouse or under the bed gradually. Think of the Christmas tree, Do you throw it out come January if it is not a natural tree? No, you put it in the attic. So do not beat yourself up for wanting to keep some items that you do not use very often.

Start with under the bed, the garage, the attic or any other place that is removed from your most used spaces. The decisions to keep or dispose of the items in these places will usually be quite simple ones as the items are likely to have been there for some time. Sitting in a living room or kitchen full of stuff will seem not so intimidating if the spaces around are not full off stuff as well.

Angel_Jenny · 20 February 2019 at 8:52AM

Nargleblast wrote: »

Angel_Jenny, I am sorry to hear that. It is all so new and raw for you right now, so it is natural your emotions are all over the place. Be kind to yourself and don't make any important decisions whilst things are like this. One day at a time.

Raw is just the right word for it. I feel like I have been sandpapered .... the strangest things set me off crying. In time I will find peace knowing that they didn't suffer at the end x

Angel_Jenny · 20 February 2019 at 8:56AM

monnagran wrote: »

That's just awful angeljenny. To lose 2 important people so close together must be hitting you very hard. If I were you, I wouldn't try too hard to pretend you are OK. The biggest lie that we all tell is, "I'm fine. "No one will expect you to be OK.
I saw a wonderful explanation of grief the other day. She said that we usually think that grief fills our life for a while, like a circle coloured in, and as time goes on other things come into our lives and the coloured in bit of the circle grows smaller as other things take its place.. In fact, she says, its not like that at all. The coloured circle of grief that fills our life at the begining doesnt get smaller, it is always there. What happens is, that around the circle of our grief eventually we step outside it a little way and make a bigger circle that we fill with other things. The more things we do and fill our lives with, the bigger that circle gets, but our circle of grief is still there, just the same size and just as painful. We can visit it when we want to but when we have had enough we can step outside into our larger life, leaving our grief circle until we want to visit again.
That seems complicated to explain, I hope you understand it.
I think that over time the grief loses its sharpness, and when we revisit it we can enjoy happy memories and be comforted.

I've gone on too long. Lots of hugs and love to you Angel.

It has all just happened so close together - my grandad died on my brother's 30th birthday then he died 2 weeks later. I am pretending I am ok

I don't know how else to be. But I am cracking and I can feel it. I am not sure yet how I will cope with work as it is mentally draining & physically aggressive and I am feeling very sensitive.

The circle analogy makes so much sense! Much more than when people say it hurts less over time or grief reduces.

I am so used to being there for everyone else

I can't figure out how else to be. x

monnagran · 20 February 2019 at 10:20AM

Angeljenny. Remember that grief is just love with no place to go.

PipneyJane · 20 February 2019 at 2:33PM

Angel_Jenny wrote: »

My home is very much my refuge right now ..... my grandad died at the end of January and then my brother died last week. I'm swinging from pretending I am ok to having full on crying breakdowns. Don't know how work will go x

My condolences, Angel_Jenny and a big hug.

- Pip

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Old style as an escape from the world?

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