Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
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So sorry to hear your sad news Torry. No words can make it easier but we are all here for you.
So, finally I moved house back into the village I lived in with my husband and just seconds away from our old home. I haven't gone to see it yet as I don't know how I will react and there has been so much going on since my move with tradesmen fixing things and doing things I've barely had time to catch my breath. I've chatted with people who I knew when I lived here before and it all just feels so 'right'. While the move was awful even though the company packed up my old house and moved me, they put bags and boxes into all the wrong rooms with the majority ending up in my bedroom. I'm nowhere near organised yet, as soon as I start on another bag/box then someone arrives to do something. Today I've (finally) had my curtain poles put up and so now have curtains. I have been measured for blinds and they will be fitted on the 16th. I can't cook as I've had to order a new cooker and I'm still waiting for it to be delivered. I seem to have a never ending stream of deliveries which has cost an arm and a leg to right what's wrong here.
I sound like I regret the move but I truly don't. I feel safe, secure, at peace and somehow connected to my husband again. I have a wonderful neighbour and my little house is day by day looking more like my home.
I do quite often have a little chuckle to myself, this bungalow is so much smaller than my other one (I've had to get rid of so much stuff - yippee) that I've finally been forced to live with only things I'll use and not stuff I 'might' use. I love it. I wanted a smaller house and this one will be perfect once I've finished chucking out what I don't need/won't fit.
I need a new boiler and kitchen but they are going to have to wait a little while, having the basics done is more important at the moment, once they're done then I will steel myself for the upheaval of a new boiler and kitchen. The house is really old and has some lovely quirks but the sloping kitchen ceiling isn't one of them. The poor electrician fitting new lights ended up with him, me and the floor covered in plaster, so a new ceiling will be required when I do the kitchen, It is quite a high ceiling so it will give me chance to drop it down a little bit.
I hope everyone is well, now I've got the move out of the way, I hope to be much more active here. I really miss the old thread, it had so much information and comfort within it.Feb 2019 GC £151.53/£300God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.0 -
Today I put his medication back to the pharmacy and the collection from the funeral into the bank. I'm not doing well, but people keep telling me that I am.Lost my soulmate so life is empty.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander0 -
Torry_Quine wrote: »Today I put his medication back to the pharmacy and the collection from the funeral into the bank. I'm not doing well, but people keep telling me that I am.
I do think people try to be kind but the simple truth is, no one can understand the loss of a life partner unless they've been through it. When that loss is sudden (mine was too) it takes time to realise properly what's happened and even longer to be able to begin the journey of moving on. Now moving on, that's a whole different story. Bless you Torry, I know you must feel like you're in a waking nightmare. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, I do believe it helps.Feb 2019 GC £151.53/£300God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.0 -
White_musk wrote: »I do think people try to be kind but the simple truth is, no one can understand the loss of a life partner unless they've been through it. When that loss is sudden (mine was too) it takes time to realise properly what's happened and even longer to be able to begin the journey of moving on. Now moving on, that's a whole different story. Bless you Torry, I know you must feel like you're in a waking nightmare. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, I do believe it helps.
If someone else tells me I need structure in my day and I have to do something I think I'll scream!! I just want him back and can't imagine how I can go on without himLost my soulmate so life is empty.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander0 -
Torry_Quine wrote: »If someone else tells me I need structure in my day and I have to do something I think I'll scream!! I just want him back and can't imagine how I can go on without him
You need to do things that are right for you. Your grief your way of dealing with it. I completely understand wanting him back and not being able to imagine going on without him, I felt exactly the same. I just seemed to fall into a pattern of taking one minute at a time, even one second at a time when I needed to. I did what *I* needed for me, it's a time to be totally selfish and put YOU first, your needs, your wants, your feelings, your emotions and bu**er what anyone else has to say on the matter. Your head will not be your own, your thoughts irrational and you will not be like your normal self. That's OK! This is not normal. Your entire life has been tipped on it's head and you are going to need time, a long long time to begin to process all of this.Feb 2019 GC £151.53/£300God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.0 -
White_musk wrote: »You need to do things that are right for you. Your grief your way of dealing with it. I completely understand wanting him back and not being able to imagine going on without him, I felt exactly the same. I just seemed to fall into a pattern of taking one minute at a time, even one second at a time when I needed to. I did what *I* needed for me, it's a time to be totally selfish and put YOU first, your needs, your wants, your feelings, your emotions and bu**er what anyone else has to say on the matter. Your head will not be your own, your thoughts irrational and you will not be like your normal self. That's OK! This is not normal. Your entire life has been tipped on it's head and you are going to need time, a long long time to begin to process all of this.
Thanks that's how I feel. I spend most of the time crying and howling especially when on my own. Only got dressed at 1pm because someone was coming round at 1:30. I don't see why that's wrong.Lost my soulmate so life is empty.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander0 -
Torry_Quine wrote: »Thanks that's how I feel. I spend most of the time crying and howling especially when on my own. Only got dressed at 1pm because someone was coming round at 1:30. I don't see why that's wrong.
It isn't wrong, not one bit is it wrong. I didn't cook for a week 10 days something like that, I lived on crisps and chocolate. So what! I didn't do myself any harm. I didn't shower for a few days as it just didn't occur to me. Was I wrong? No, of course I wasn't I was dealing with a horrendous situation in the best way I could. (((hugs)))Feb 2019 GC £151.53/£300God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.0 -
Nothing is wrong, you must do what feels right, even if it's staring at the wall all day. No one knows how you feel, or what is right for you. I think I lived on M&S cooked chicken, tinned sweet corn and white bread rolls for days at a time. Just one day at a time. There will be many small steps along the way, some will really hurt, some will bring small relief. Only you will know which is which.
Sending you virtual hugs and a casserole.I’m a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Competition Time, Site Feedback and Marriage, Relationships and Families boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com All views are my own and not the official line of Money Saving Expert.0 -
Saw my GP today. I'm to continue with my sleeping tablets on alternate nights. Seeing her again next week. Also seeing a counsellor at the cancer support centre on Friday. Last night was bad si called the Samaritans at 4am just to hear a friendly voice. Still wailing and crying lots.Lost my soulmate so life is empty.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander0 -
Really glad you rang the Samaritans Torry - that is what they are there for.
I just want to echo what others are saying - there is no way you can cope with more than an hour at a time at the mo, let alone 'have some sort of 'stucture'. No the pain is too bad. Just getting up and dressed, at some point in the day, is a huge achievement.
I hope you managed to have a little food today.I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once0
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