Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 7:49 PM
    • 325Posts
    • 243Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 7:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 7:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 51
    • wort
    • By wort 29th Dec 18, 7:13 PM
    • 982 Posts
    • 11,674 Thanks
    wort
    Hugs and love to all. Here's hoping the new year brings us all a little peace and happiness. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Sammie36
    • By Sammie36 31st Dec 18, 2:16 PM
    • 29 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    Sammie36
    Hi everyone,

    I am having some really dark thoughts. The last week as been so difficult and I'm drowning in sadness.

    I don't want to do anything stupid but i don't want to feel like this any more.

    I miss John so much and I can't cope
    X
    • elona
    • By elona 31st Dec 18, 2:31 PM
    • 11,154 Posts
    • 63,496 Thanks
    elona
    Sammie

    Please go to an emergency or walk in clinic and ask about anti depressants. I did that when I felt the same as you do now and they did help. I would not have done anything stupid either but just saw no point in being here.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 31st Dec 18, 4:00 PM
    • 2,216 Posts
    • 4,787 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Sammie, please just pick the phone up and ask for help, family, friends, Samaritans any, or all of them, as and when. Don't struggle on, get some help xx.
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 31st Dec 18, 5:42 PM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI
    Sammie, you must stay strong. It is what John would want you to do. It is what you must do, for your children. There are many of us here who know 'exactly' how you feel. It is a wretched feeling. But Sammie, in time, it will pass. I know you don't think so at the moment - but it will.


    If you feel you need to speak with someone urgently, as others have said, 'The Samaritans' are on call 24/7 to listen. But further down the line, another chat with your GP might be a good idea. You might also find that meeting with someone who has been through the same might help - it did me.



    Sammie, there are so many of us here wishing you strength. Hoping that the pain you are in will lessen with each day. You are not alone.
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 31st Dec 18, 6:45 PM
    • 540 Posts
    • 1,769 Thanks
    BucksLady
    Thinking of you Sammie xx
    • daisy 1571
    • By daisy 1571 31st Dec 18, 8:31 PM
    • 486 Posts
    • 5,894 Thanks
    daisy 1571
    Positive energy and thoughts going sent out to everyone who needs them tonight including you sammie

    Daisy xxx
    "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion" Take hold of every moment by anon

    The difference between what you were yesterday and what you will be tomorrow is what you do today
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 31st Dec 18, 9:30 PM
    • 1,129 Posts
    • 1,703 Thanks
    sheilavw
    Bless you Sammie, it must be so hard.
    I too am struggling since my Husband was diagnosed with Motor neurones in July. Life is so cruel. You have to seek help.
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 1st Jan 19, 3:03 PM
    • 993 Posts
    • 2,259 Thanks
    crv1963
    Hi everyone,

    I am having some really dark thoughts. The last week as been so difficult and I'm drowning in sadness.

    I don't want to do anything stupid but i don't want to feel like this any more.

    I miss John so much and I can't cope
    X
    Originally posted by Sammie36
    Hi Sammie,

    You don't need to struggle alone with this. There are a number of options you have.

    If your dark thoughts become very strong then immediate assistance can be accessed on the telephone via the Samaritans, you could also google your local Mental Health NHS Trust, go to their website and search for their Crisis Team number and self refer to them, you can ask for an assessment and support.

    Or in person you could attend Urgent Care Center, speak to someone there, attend A&E and ask to speak to Mental Health Liaison Nurse- most A&Es have a liaison service.

    Alternatively you could ring 111, and tell the call handler how you are feeling and they could direct your call to the appropriate service in your area.

    If you can hang on you could ring and ask your GP Surgery for a same day appointment, some surgeries have a telephone triage system where a GP rings back and discusses the problem before offering an appointment face to face.

    Sometimes being put in touch with other services and support can help. There is a large amount of support available often it is someone else being aware of what is there and getting in touch with them for you that is needed.

    If you are having trouble sleeping, then try looking up "sleep hygiene tips" on google, simple things like reducing caffeine and alcohol intake, regular exercise and bedtime with no horror/ exciting/ emotion provoking programs before trying to sleep.

    Your GP could also offer a variety of prescribed medications. These could range from night sedation to anti-depressants, combined with counselling and support, even a debrief after your experience could help possibly.

    It is not that anti-depressants are the answer alone, sometimes they are not needed at all. So try to keep an open mind, they may be needed they may not be. Someone to speak to is so important.
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 1st Jan 19, 6:21 PM
    • 540 Posts
    • 1,769 Thanks
    BucksLady
    Sammie, I hope you and the children are ok xx
    • Sammie36
    • By Sammie36 1st Jan 19, 9:46 PM
    • 29 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    Sammie36
    Hi everyone.

    We ventured out today for some fresh air. My youngest and I broke down a couple of times but we were ok.

    I popped up to the cemetery and cleared up the Xmas flowers we had left and put fresh ones down.

    I'm going to try to make another appointment with my gp tomorrow. I feel like I'm going mad and these dark thoughts are really scary.

    I didn't think it was possible to cry constantly and it wipes you out completly.

    Thank to everyone who is listening to me.
    Xxxx
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 2nd Jan 19, 10:32 AM
    • 40,096 Posts
    • 37,462 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Huge love to you all Sammie, you are being very sensible going to see your GP, you are in new territory and it is all a huge shock. Yes, crying is exhausting. There are no magic fixes, but just take one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 2nd Jan 19, 4:45 PM
    • 1,129 Posts
    • 1,703 Thanks
    sheilavw
    thinking of you Sammie xx
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 2nd Jan 19, 10:13 PM
    • 993 Posts
    • 2,259 Thanks
    crv1963
    Don/t fear being open with your GP. Tell him/ her briefly that you are having these thoughts, that you don't like them and that you need a bit of support at this point.

    Don't forget that some pleasure is allowed, a quiet smile, a nice comment etc., look for the simple things. Take care.

    CRV
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 4th Jan 19, 9:32 AM
    • 540 Posts
    • 1,769 Thanks
    BucksLady

    Don't forget that some pleasure is allowed, a quiet smile, a nice comment etc., look for the simple things. Take care.

    CRV
    Originally posted by crv1963

    That's a really good point crv. When my grandfather died, my grandmother made a comment which I've often reflected upon. She said ''there's a time to laugh and a time to cry ; a time to live and a time to die''. Not her own words, but made a lot of sense then and they do today.


    Sammie, I hope your GP is supportive and is able to give you the help you deserve xx
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 4th Jan 19, 9:45 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI
    Following my wife's death I actually felt very guilty about still being alive. I felt it was me that should have died. There was absolutely no logic to my way of thinking, but that feeling was so strong. I really had to push it to the back of my mind in order to move on with my life. I've spoken to a number of chaps who have also lost their wives and they also said that they felt the same way. Knowing that I wasn't alone, really helped
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 4th Jan 19, 9:52 AM
    • 993 Posts
    • 2,259 Thanks
    crv1963
    That's a really good point crv. When my grandfather died, my grandmother made a comment which I've often reflected upon. She said ''there's a time to laugh and a time to cry ; a time to live and a time to die''. Not her own words, but made a lot of sense then and they do today.


    Sammie, I hope your GP is supportive and is able to give you the help you deserve xx
    Originally posted by BucksLady
    That is so true BucksLady, often those bereaved feel guilty about surviving and this snowballs each pleasure compounding this. It sometimes takes a detached stranger to point out, the loved one lost would not want us to stop living life, loving lifes' little joys.

    Grief is a horrible experience and each person has to live their way through it their way, sometimes needing help, sometimes needing time alone.

    Your quote makes absolute sense.

    Mr APJI that feeling is common, especially with a sudden death as with a long illness subconsciously the mind can prepare for the worst outcome, and often the one left behind feels guilt.

    When my Dad died after a long battle with cancer (having never accepted that he was dying) my Mum was helped by my taking her out to places he took her like Whitby, North Yorkshire villages. Also I returned to my home North East and he had never been to where I now live so she could (and does) come by bus to our home and spend hours pottering in my garden. Our home having no memories of him so she could make her own.
    Last edited by crv1963; 04-01-2019 at 10:04 AM.
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 4th Jan 19, 11:36 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI


    Our home having no memories of him so she could make her own.
    Originally posted by crv1963

    Yes, I can really identify with this. Shortly following my wife's death I came to the conclusion that I would never be able to move forward unless I sold our home. It was just so full of memories of our life together and a constant reminder of what I had lost. I know friends/family gasped at me selling up so quickly, fearing that I might be making a big mistake. However, I knew it was the right decision for me.
    CRV, I hope your mum is making lots of new and happy memories .
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 4th Jan 19, 1:11 PM
    • 993 Posts
    • 2,259 Thanks
    crv1963
    CRV, I hope your mum is making lots of new and happy memories .
    Originally posted by MrAPJI
    Hi MrAPJI I think she is, still in the same house but has a wider circle of friends, goes to keep fit 2 sometimes 3 days a week, I try to take her shopping once a week and she has a club she's been a member of for 40+ years so she goes out there weekly. They all usually go out for Christmas lunches, the odd Tea Dance, things Dad avoided like the plague!

    In many ways life changes, but in many ways it doesn't, housework, gardening, sewing and knitting all keep her busy, so much so if I want to take her anywhere except on a Sunday I have to advise her in advance.

    I was actually warned once by a Doctor that I worked with don't ever stop her doing anything because it is keeping active that keeps older people going, once the TV becomes your only company then you really are heading for trouble.

    I did pay for her 6' hedges to be cut and some decorating as seeing a 79 year old up step ladders is quite anxiety provoking, only for her to then climb the ladders to hard prune an oversize tree in her garden! She's 80 next month and we're all going out for a meal to celebrate.

    How is your recovery coming along?
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 4th Jan 19, 1:58 PM
    • 540 Posts
    • 1,769 Thanks
    BucksLady
    crv, so pleased that your mum has moved forward in such a positive way. My maternal grandmother was exactly the same - so many clubs/activities to keep her busy and happy. However, my paternal grandmother was quite the opposite. She became very withdrawn (despite all our love and encouragement) and shortly afterwards died of cancer. It was very quick and up until that point in time she had never been ill. Her Oncologist told me that he believed it to be a 'bereavement cancer'. I had never heard that term until then.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

1,477Posts Today

5,299Users online

Martin's Twitter