Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

Hello everyone, I'LL be been lurking on this thread trying to take some solace from your advice, but I must admit I am struggling to come to terms with my husband's death.
He died on 2nd March, only 10 days after they diagnosed secondary tumors in his spleen lung kidneys and liver and my world fell apart.
We were one of those couples everyone nowadays thinks badly about because of the age gap. We met when I was 17 and he was 36 (very handsome looking at least 10 years younger) and we had 45 wonderful years together, married 41years and now he's gone.
I want him back so much the house is so empty without him. We have a son who is married and was very close to his dad so he is suffering too so he doesn't know the extent of my grief.
My husband had Crohn's disease, had surgery in 2013 and ended up in intensive care for 10 days so I gave up work, initially to look after him while he recuperated and afterwards just to spend time together,so we had been together 24/7 for the last 4.5 years.
People say take comfort from your memories but they just remind me of what I've lost and I get that empty bereft feeling.
I always knew he would probably go before me because of the difference in our ages but I didn't expect it to hurt quite as much. I really don't know how to survive this, he adored me, told me he loved my numerous times a day, we could finish each others sentences and I miss not being able to talk to him.
I've managed to get a part time job, it's only temporary but gets me out and because it is with strangers I don't have to explain about David so can keep it together whilst I'm there. Once I'm home everything comes flooding back and I'm so lonely but at 62 I don't want to work full time again.
My life just doesn't seem to have a purpose now, there are no plans for the future as I don't have him to share it with, and I certainly don't want to share it with anyone else, no one will ever love me as he did we were soulmates and he was the love of my life.
Sorry this is so long and thank you anyone who takes the time to read it.

Crystal lady , we hear you, what you say is what all all of us have felt, and still are feeling to different degrees. It's still very raw for you, my hubby was 9 and half years older, and after 30 years together, it was a terrible shock that from perfectly healthy, we had to cut short our holiday and take him to hospital where he was eventually diagnosed with secondary cancer in the meninges of his brain. He died a couple of weeks later.

I'm 10 months in and it seems like yesterday but also forever ago. Unfortunately there's no easy way to grieve, I'm sure if you've read any of the stories on here you can see how affected we all are and can sympathise with you unlike others who haven't lost their soul mate.
Please take care of yourself, I work part time but everyone knows, and that has upsides as well as they can allow for your situation should it be needed. So maybe think about letting them know.
Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? Or have you thought of seeing a grief counsellor? I didn't think it would help but saw one through the gp, and just offloading all your emotions to someone who is a complete stranger who just listens was very helpful.

Are you eating and taking care of yourself? There are some books , I read death and how to survive it written by Kate Boydell, which is much lighter than it sounds, she has a website with a forum called merry widow. Just knowing others have been in your position and been feeling like you can help.
The macmillon co- ordinator said to me it's !!!!!! isn't it! And when people ask how I was that was my reply. Because it is! It's unfair and you will feel dreadful, but broadening your own life is key I feel, so accept invitations to lunch, or coffee with friends, they might not know what to say but it helps.
Always remember you can vent to us here whenever you need to we are here with hugs and much love, and will hold your hand.X

Hello Crystallady....what a lovely name.

I am so sorry to hear your news. Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. I hope we can help and support you.

It’s good that you are practical and are used to handling money and making decisions. That’s one less hurdle for you. Getting to grips with all that when you are not used to running things must be very difficult.

It is still very early days for you and right now you must be reeling from shock and grief. My advice is try and not think too far ahead just yet. Just try and get through the days, eat as healthily as you can and if you cant sleep at night, then have a nap during the day. Right now you need to look after your physical self as well as your mental well being, so a bit of TLC and gentle healing.

Luckily summer is finally in its way, so let the sun works it’s magic. Get out in the fresh air and take solace in nature, even if it’s just sitting in your garden.

As for finding a purpose. That is the big one. I have now been widowed for nearly 4 years and I am now doing exactly that.

I have gone back to college and I might even get a part time job. It has taken me a long time to think about what I want out of life and how to get it.

The other thng I would advise is not to make any big decisions or take on too many commitments. Maybe a bit of voluntary work if you feel up to it. Or perhaps look at joining some local groups, like UA3.

I joined a group of widows called the Jolly Dollies, all widows. They meet for lunch every so often and arrange various outings etc. My local grouo is not very active but I have made a few friends who I now see independently of the group.

I find it’s all trial and error, we just need to find things that work for us. But I have found you can’t rush things. Well I can’t, I have to go at my own pace. Some days are better than others.

Sending you a hug......

We can all definitely identify with that yearning to turn back time, 2 years 10 years etc. I've said before I talk to him around the house , in my head sometimes out loud , it helps me. I echo the others don't rush to find a purpose, you need time, to come to terms with your life as it is now, I keep busy, I've decorated , decluttered, gardening anything really, I'm lucky my family are close and call most days when I'm not working. I go to yoga and a pub quiz with my sisters, it's about not letting your life become too insular. But you are doing well if you're working already, as LL said it's very early days and those crying bouts just seem to rise up and hit when you least expect them.
Much love.x

Hello Crystallady, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I could say it gets better with time but learned from my own experience, platitudes, while well meant do little. The one solid piece of advice I will give, as although it's been passed along already is so important - try to eat as well as possible. If you don't manage much else, eating something as nutritious as possible is so important. Also keep fluids up, everything else can wait until you feel you can face it. Hugs.

Really busy day yesterday, I didn't get on here at all. I was so tired I was in bed just after 9pm. Today is a little more relaxed although for some reason I still seemed to have a pile of chores to do. Most done now so all's well.

Still grey and ickky today although it is a little warmer, I have had the heating on for an hour or two when I first got up but not since.

Hugs.