What would you do?

DigForVictory · 22 April 2018 at 10:54AM

Very little is forever.

You are now in a position to enjoy life & save up. Seize that.

Meantime keep smiling & ticking off the months.
If you are eligible for citizenship, or could be, consider it very carefully - it'll give you more choices. The Britain you love after Brexit may not be a good place to return to for a while. Sit tight, save, and scheme.

Even your OH cannot object to you planning to *eventually* retire back here. What your OH may not know is how soon you plan to, & whether or not you're willing to wait til he's died (happily one hopes).
Forever is a big word, as is never. Scheme, and let the tides flow, and after a few years, see if his objection to Britain is still "never".

Best of luck.

peachyprice · 22 April 2018 at 10:59AM

view wrote: »

Apologies for the confusion, my thoughts are jumping all over the place at the moment.

What I am saying is that I was NOT born in the UK however have moved back to my original home country. I never missed my original country in the entire time I lived in UK (14 years) and yet within weeks of being back in original country I knew I wanted to live back in the UK.

Going back nearly 15 years ago I moved to the UK after a 6 month holiday there and I knew within 15 minutes it was finally home. Although I lived happily enough in original country, I always felt there was much more.

It is very hard to put into words. Square peg, round hole. I hardly went out over summer here. The UV was 14. Most global UV scales do not even go that far. Humidity 90% and averaged 36+.

I used to walk 4 times a week in the lovely UK outdoors and loved it. Went out a few times here and either was bitten alive by mozzies or sunburnt at 8am. I have experienced a lot of sexism and ageism looking for work. Not that it does not exist in the UK, I just never personally experienced it over the near 14 years. I miss the humour, the banter. Watching global news (I can see it online of course). Lots of people here, although lovely, seem very keen to tell you how many houses they have, what they paid and details of their salaries. What new car they will buy and showing off jewellery. Just seems very competitive and I am not into that.

It is just different I guess. I can accept that. I just know deep down this country is not right for me. I feel more British I guess. I know rambling, there is a lot more to how I feel. I just struggle to put it into words.

Thank you for input already.

As my thoughts are jumbled I guess I just cannot see if walking away from this great opportunity could be the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life despite feeling extremely unsettled. I am thinking of my OH and their happiness. We have taken an only grandchild away and although you have to live your own life, it is our childs only grandparent too so I feel sadness.

My OH said they will never move back (originally) however after rows and lots of discussion they have agreed we can make a decision about IF we do.

Are you in the UAE now? If you are, or somewhere similar, I can completely understand how you feel. Most ex-pats don't see it as a forever kind of place, don't put down real roots and know they will stay there only until they have made enough money, it's a very transient place.

The things you miss about the UK are the exact things my mum missed when my parents emigrated to Australia, and like you she knew she'd made a mistake immediately, in fact the moment she stepped off the plane. When she came to visit we spent so much time doing simple things you take for granted when you live here, things like taking a walk through the forest, going out without worrying about sweating cobs and aircon, sitting in a pub garden without getting roasted alive, not worrying about killer bugs in the garden, having friends close by rather than car rides away, being able to hop on a bus and be in the town centre in 10 mins.

They had a beautiful house built that kept her occupied for a few years but once that was finished she still felt so empty. They came home eventually, after 7 years, my mum is so much happier here, even through our rotten winters, she has a whole host of new friends and is settled, my dad would go back in a heartbeat though.

To some people where they live is definitely not 'just a place'.

Happier_Me · 22 April 2018 at 11:04AM

I don't think you've given it enough time or made enough effort to make this move 'home'. You're right, £22k is alot of money to move and I suppose it would cost a fair sum to move back! Add in the uncertainty of your OH's job over here...he doesn't have one after all, you may well be moving back to a very tough existence, at least in the short term.

If you are going to make a decision about another move in the next 24 months, then you owe it to yourself and your family to not spend that 24 months 'waiting' to return to the UK. It sounds like you could have a wonderful life if you can adjust and feel settled, so concentrate your efforts on doing just that. If you still feel the same way two years down the line then you have some big decisions to make as a family.

It sounds like your husband is the only earner at the moment. Would you expect him to be the one to find work back in the UK to support your family? If so, then a move back is far more high risk and challenging for your other half than for you. So take steps to take share the pressure of a future.move back home, find work where you are, make sure you can contribute too on your return to the UK, possibly even take the lead on the job front. Your husband may be more willing to make the move back to the UK if it isn't all down to him to pull it off.

And finally,it may be worth moving to a different area to where you are now that suits you better. You have effectively described the UK village I live in. It really is a bit too upper class for me, even had someone stop me on the walk to the shops once to tell me they had 10 bedrooms in their house!

view · 22 April 2018 at 11:08AM

peachyprice wrote: »

The things you miss about the UK are the exact things my mum missed when my parents emigrated to Australia, and like you she knew she'd made a mistake immediately, in fact the moment she stepped off the plane. When she came to visit we spent so much time doing simple things you take for granted when you live here, things like taking a walk through the forest, going out without worrying about sweating cobs and aircon, sitting in a pub garden without getting roasted alive, not worrying about killer bugs in the garden, having friends close by rather than car rides away, being able to hop on a bus and be in the town centre in 10 mins.

To some people where they live is definitely not 'just a place'.

No not in the UAE.

Thank you. Good to hear a story of someone who has been through similar. You have described how my heart feels about the UK. There are a lot of positives here, I just miss many of the things you have mentioned. We do outings here, having fun. I am really grateful for this opportunity. Just always feel tinged with a bit of sadness.

Tabbytabitha · 22 April 2018 at 11:18AM

As far as I'm concerned "home" is where the people you love live and are happy.

view · 22 April 2018 at 11:22AM

Happier_Me wrote: »

I don't think you've given it enough time or made enough effort to make this move 'home'. You're right, £22k is alot of money to move and I suppose it would cost a fair sum to move back! Add in the uncertainty of your OH's job over here...he doesn't have one after all, you may well be moving back to a very tough existence, at least in the short term.

If you are going to make a decision about another move in the next 24 months, then you owe it to yourself and your family to not spend that 24 months 'waiting' to return to the UK. It sounds like you could have a wonderful life if you can adjust and feel settled, so concentrate your efforts on doing just that. If you still feel the same way two years down the line then you have some big decisions to make as a family.

It sounds like your husband is the only earner at the moment. Would you expect him to be the one to find work back in the UK to support your family? If so, then a move back is far more high risk and challenging for your other half than for you. So take steps to take share the pressure of a future.move back home, find work where you are, make sure you can contribute too on your return to the UK, possibly even take the lead on the job front. Your husband may be more willing to make the move back to the UK if it isn't all down to him to pull it off.

And finally,it may be worth moving to a different area to where you are now that suits you better. You have effectively described the UK village I live in. It really is a bit too upper class for me, even had someone stop me on the walk to the shops once to tell me they had 10 bedrooms in their house!

There is zero intention on jumping on the plan just now. Thinking to a possible future. As mentioned we have agreed 15 months we will chat again seriously. That will take us over two years.

I find your comment quite hurtful about my effort. I have thrown myself into trying to meet people, doing new things, planning trips to visit many new places as a family, joining groups, taking our child to museums, galleries, play centres, play dates etc. etc. etc.

I also have been trying feverishly for four months now to secure work. Nearing two hundred applications, handing my CV to agencies/companies, hundreds of phone calls etc. So far cannot secure anything - not even a part time or temp role. This is the first time I have ever been out of work in my working career. I certainly do not expect my OH to do and earn everything and I am desperate to earn again. Bringing up a child with zero support from anyone (OH excluded, they are great) has been challenging but I am ready to go back to work and our child is ready for more also.

You are right about enjoying what we have here. I have been thinking too much about returning. Good food for thought.

theoretica · 22 April 2018 at 11:22AM

One agreement i know which worked for that couple was to follow the better job, during the working life, but agree the other partner had more say in where to retire to. There is a lot of life after retirement too.

I also know a number of couples who live in different countries, mostly for work reasons. But there is a considerable travel budget needed and long distance doesn't work for everyone.

view · 22 April 2018 at 11:34AM

DigForVictory wrote: »

Very little is forever.

You are now in a position to enjoy life & save up. Seize that.

Meantime keep smiling & ticking off the months.
If you are eligible for citizenship, or could be, consider it very carefully - it'll give you more choices. The Britain you love after Brexit may not be a good place to return to for a while. Sit tight, save, and scheme.

Even your OH cannot object to you planning to *eventually* retire back here. What your OH may not know is how soon you plan to, & whether or not you're willing to wait til he's died (happily one hopes).
Forever is a big word, as is never. Scheme, and let the tides flow, and after a few years, see if his objection to Britain is still "never".

Best of luck.

You are right I do need to seize the moment. I was born in this country so I have citizenship and I have a UK passport also. So that side is taken care of.

Absolutely agree the Britain I love may be very different after BREXIT. Sage advice. Will definitely be a wait and see type of situation. We are at least over 20 years until retirement (unless lottery pays up) :-) and I hope OH and I are still as much in love and alive in our nineties ;-)

Great idea to sit tight, save and scheme/plan.

Thanks!

ttoli · 22 April 2018 at 11:54AM

I left the UK in 2005, for the first couple of years I went back every 6 months or so but each time I realised how it was changing in comparison to where I live now (North Cyprus ), It's a case of weighing up the pro's and con's . Good luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 22 April 2018 at 1:13PM

The trouble is that your OH could be feeling exactly the same about where you are now as you felt about the UK.

If money isn't an issue, could there be opportunities for volunteering? Setting up your own business? At present, you're somebody with no current experience in the country. Either of these could help you look better on applications, suggest to a potential employer that you aren't just here for a short time before leaving again, and, like it or not, if you've got one small child, a lot of employers in both there and the UK would likely think 'well, they're going to be wanting to have Baby #2 in the next year or so' - doing something contradicts that unspoken assumption.

I wouldn't hang my hopes upon returning to the UK - it's looking to become a very hostile place. Is there not perhaps somewhere in the country you are in (or relatively nearby) that is more similar in climate? For example, if you are in Australia now, perhaps New Zealand might be more akin to the environment you like (I have friends who emigrated to the first but didn't like it, decided to try NZ and found that, to them, it had everything they liked about the UK/very little of what they disliked about Australia/and was better than both in other ways)? If you're in the US, there's (apparently, I've never been, but the geography, demographics and economics seem pretty obviously so) a world of difference between Florida, Iowa, New England and Hawaii.

I've also got friends who emigrated last year to somewhere where one is feeling quite homesick, doesn't speak the particular variation of the language very well and finds it difficult - but is determined to make it her home. She's working remotely with her old employer so that she still has her own money and can fit it in round language lessons. She definitely wanted to make the change and, even though she is always certain it was what she wanted, even she finds it sad at times. It's normal to feel a bit adrift, I think, when you don't have something to do. And plenty of us feel like we've made a huge mistake when all we've done is move a couple of miles down the road or changed job, never mind when we've left everything and everyone we know and travelled thousands of miles away - but that can fade in time.

There aren't any magical solutions to this. But keep talking - rather than arguing - look for things that will make you feel good, look for ways to be busy whilst looking for employment and accept that whilst it might be a mistake, it could be a blip in what might turn out to be the happiest times in your lives.

What would you do?

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