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    a letter for the bank
    • #1
    • 27th Jun 04, 10:35 PM
    a letter for the bank 27th Jun 04 at 10:35 PM
    I go this is an e mail dont know if youve seen it

    Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
    amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian. This has to be first, a
    laughing Bank Manager!!

    Dear Sir,
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
    pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
    have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
    of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
    monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
    been in place for eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
    also for debiting my account 50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
    caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
    incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
    relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
    restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures,
    attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
    compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

    To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

    I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
    letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
    ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
    From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and blood person.
    My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
    automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
    confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
    will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
    person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
    chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
    that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
    no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
    must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
    his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
    accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
    quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter man 28 digits
    but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to
    access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
    imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; Let me level the playing field
    even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will
    notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the
    only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
    will be answered by an automated voice service:

    Press buttons as follows:
    I. To make an appointment to see me.
    2. To query a missing payment.
    3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
    required. Password
    will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
    8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
    9. To make a general complaint or inquiry

    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
    answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
    uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've
    chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the bank's are made
    of marble, with a guard at every door and the vaults
    are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
    often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
    which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
    kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising
    material you send me. This I will read for a fee of 20 per page. Inquiries
    from the Authorised Contact will be billed at 5 per minute of my time spent
    in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
    penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will
    be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will
    be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
    establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
    wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

    Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

Page 1
  • trafalgar
    • #2
    • 27th Jun 04, 10:48 PM
    Re: a letter for the bank
    • #2
    • 27th Jun 04, 10:48 PM
    ;DBrilliant : ;D
    • Ally
    • By Ally 29th Jun 04, 2:23 AM
    • 5,607 Posts
    • 2,442 Thanks
    • #3
    • 29th Jun 04, 2:23 AM
    Re: a letter for the bank
    • #3
    • 29th Jun 04, 2:23 AM
    I am glad you posted this - I have been trying to get hold of a copy since 97' when I first read it, but silly as I am, I never got a copy and forgot where I saw it!!

    Thank you, it is brilliant ;D ;D
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