How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

itsanne · 3 October 2016 at 11:50AM

Wow, Elinore, I've just read the whole thread. :eek:

You are far too nice. Thank goodness you have had the strength not to cave in to not only your mother's but your whole family's demands!

If your mother does move near to where you are, things will continue to be very difficult - possibly even worse than they are now. It will be all too easy for her to turn up on your doorstep at all hours of the day or night, and that will be much harder to deal with than when she phones with the same issues. Rather than 'just' telling your family that your mother will have to fend for herself if she moves mear you, if it's not too late I'd suggest also telling them that you won't be staying in that area ....... After all, why do they think she should move to near you if it's not because they expect you'd have to pick up the pieces if she was there ......

If she does arrive, perhaps you should consider taking Thorsoak's advice and moving without giving any of them your new address? Having just moved it's probably the last thing you'd want to do, but it might save an awful lot of stress in the long run.

Stay strong - you've done incredibly well so far. I wish you all the very best.

System · 3 October 2016 at 12:14PM

Chalk it up to experience and NEVER ask anything of your mother again. Don't call her, don't contact again and let her do the chasing. Never believe a word she says, never lend or help. Very mean of her to do this.

sheramber · 3 October 2016 at 2:01PM

Since your mother has a house to sell she will have money to pay rent therefore the council will not get involved.

psychopathbabble · 3 October 2016 at 2:05PM

Elinore wrote: »

So i am now feeling terrible. He has made me feel so selfish and petty.

Do not let anyone make you feel like this. I wouldn't have my mother live with us in a million years... my DH would probably let her stay, as it's the 'right thing to do' but no-one else can truly understand the relationship between the two of you and everything that has gone on in the past.

By the sounds of it, having her stay with you would make you miserable and bring up plenty of old emotions... how is that the 'right thing to do' for yourself and your emotional well-being?

Stand your ground and stay strong. Tell the family the truth about her behaviour and your reasons for why you refuse if you need to. I had all my family try to get me to mend my relationship with my mother until they saw the side of her that I grew up with... now most of them barely tolerate her at all!

ThomasMJacobs · 11 October 2016 at 10:22AM

Even though your husband is right, but you still have a right to be upset!

Elinore · 25 November 2016 at 8:02AM

So, an update. I feel so stupid, but i have been boxed into a corner ...

Yup, you guessed it shes coming here. I have made it abundantly clear much to the disgust of the rest of the family that its a last resort and the offer is not set in stone.

Her house sale is to complete at the end of Jan and she genuinely has no where else to go - i have reluctantly agreed she can move in from then.

I have advised that she will be paying lodging fees of £400 per month (to which there was uproar until i sent a screen shot from spare rooms showing that this is the norm - in fact as she will have an ensuite wiith a little living room area as well we could charge much more!)

I am hoping that alone will put her off as that kind of rent where she is could get her really nice two bed rather than just a room.

Currently I i am in a spin cycle of emotions. Angry at me for allowing her here, angry at her for not being a grown up, sad that shes so alone, worried because shes such a negative and chaotic person and thats coming into our lives after i fought so hard to distance us from it, guilty as shes on her own lonely and sad, irritated that she chooses to be passive in her life and take no responsibility for her actions, guilty that i feel so negatively towards her. resentful that once again shes being palmed off on me by the rest of the family like an untrained and unwanted puppy after Christmas.

Elinore · 25 November 2016 at 8:26AM

Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

that made me SO MAD.

Pollycat · 25 November 2016 at 8:45AM

Oh Elinore - worst possible news for you. I feel so sorry for you.
The description of your emotions towards your Mother is heart-rending.

Can you guarantee that she will pay up every month?
What will you do if she doesn't?

Awful woman to paint herself in such a good light to the rest of the family.

I hope things work out for you.

-taff · 25 November 2016 at 8:50AM

You can change your mind, women are allowed to apparently

. If she can pay rent, then find her somewhere to rent and let her move there.
There's not much point in making yourself and your family ill over a woman who is a complete [insert appropriate word].....
Just don't. Life is short.

pollypenny · 25 November 2016 at 9:14AM

I would put all my energies into finding her another place to rent. She will come between you and your husband. She needs to grow up.

How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

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