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  • FIRST POST
    Former MSE Lee
    Real Life MMD: What should I do about the bridemaid's weight?
    • #1
    • 8th Jul 11, 3:17 PM
    Real Life MMD: What should I do about the bridemaid's weight? 8th Jul 11 at 3:17 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: What should I do about the bridemaid's weight?

    I bought some bridesmaid dresses some time ago at a good price. One bridesmaid has always had yo-yo weight but is normally a 14ish. Since I asked her to be a bridesmaid she has been on and on about how she'll diet to look good in the photos (no prompting by me). I got her dress in a 16 so it could be taken in if needs be. I recently saw her and she is bigger than ever. Close to an 18 at least. There are about 6 weeks to the wedding and the dress is no longer in stock to get it in a bigger size. I don't want to offend her and ask if she'll be able to fit into the dress, but if I put her in a different one that will be like making her chief bridesmaid when she isn't. What should I do?

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    Last edited by Former MSE Lee; 13-07-2011 at 11:02 AM.
Page 2
    • megamezzosoprano
    • By megamezzosoprano 20th Jul 11, 9:56 AM
    • 14 Posts
    • 37 Thanks
    megamezzosoprano
    I am amazed by the sizest comments in this forum - have none of you ever gained a few pounds through stress, aging, pregnancy? (OK, chaps we'll let you off that one, but check that beer belly first...) Any true friend wuld know that rapid weight loss is hazardous to health, and not to be suggested in an emotionally charged situation! Enough already, and let's find some practical suggestions.

    Yes, get ALL the bridesmaids to try on dresses together, if only that a combined order for alterations might be cheaper to include those bridesmaids who may have also *lost* weight - this is a money saving forum after all).

    As a performer who often has to fit into costumes not made for me, I swear by proper support 'bodies'. These are like non-fancy corsets with underwired cups that smooth out lumps and bumps, whilst still giving a lovely bust line. They are not expensive, and come in a range of colours including natural. Look at companies such as Bravissimo, Bra Stop and others online, rather than high street stores which don't normally have the range. Don't confuse these with the lacey numbers in the lingerie depts - all frills and no support! I prefer bodies to the so-called 'magic knickers' so beloved by Trinny et al, as I find these cut into your stomach, not a pleasant experience when you are sitting at a recpetion for a long time.

    Whatever happens, enjoy your day and remember, as the bride all eyes will be on you, not your bridesmainds, unless you've also asked Pippa Middleton, of course...
    • yallapilko
    • By yallapilko 20th Jul 11, 10:03 AM
    • 70 Posts
    • 18 Thanks
    yallapilko
    made up-
    sorry but this question sounds completely fictitous to me.
    Amongst other things, so far no one has tried on any dresses..... you have to be joking! There are too many holes in this story.

    This question just seems to me set up to see what the attitude to fat people is at the moment.

    I think someone is doing some research.
    • gizzie121
    • By gizzie121 20th Jul 11, 10:09 AM
    • 79 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    gizzie121
    . If they can afford food to get fat, they can afford to get the dress fixed.
    Originally posted by Scubee
    I've never heard such nonsense. Healthy food is far more expensive than fattening food. 2 pink lady apples is about £1. For that you can get 6 packets of crisps or a large packet of biscuits. 1 punnet of strawberries is at least £2, you can get multipacks of croissants for that. I could go on, but it is far more expensive, to eat healthily than it is to eat badly. And don't get me started on the cost of corn on the cob!
    • Saetana
    • By Saetana 20th Jul 11, 10:12 AM
    • 1,216 Posts
    • 2,332 Thanks
    Saetana
    I cannot believe the OP has not had her friend try on the dress, or that she ordered it without checking her size, she may not be the only bridesmaid who won't fit into her dress. In any event, if its a dress size or less too small, as some others have mentioned, good corsetry or support underwear might make the difference. Some of the comments on here are disgusting, its totally the OP's fault this situation has occurred and she really has no idea whether the dress will fit or not! It has NOTHING to do with anyone else what size this woman is, the OP should not have bought the dresses so far in advance, many women have fluctuating weight that goes up and down a size. I found the post with the can of Slimfast particularly offensive.

    This post is ridiculous, I can't believe MSE chose it as the money moral dilemma!
    2019 Wins: London Break, £145 cash, £125 vouchers, 2 cases of wine, football shirt, 2 x meal out voucher, 4 scratchcard, 2 t-shirts, football, face cream, £85 sun creams, chocolate, coffee, Haribo
  • Pee
    I have a very good friend who is very fussy about her weight and is about a size 8 most of the time. She's quite short and looks great at that size. She also had crohn's disease and sometimes needs to take steroids because of this. She can go up to a size 14 then, which is so hard for her.

    Unless your bridesmaid is someone you asked to please your prospective husband, i.e. his sister, this is your friend. If you would dump a friend because of how they looked, then you are doing that friend a favour. If it is your future sister in law, then I think other issues may be at play here. If you didn't want to ask her and felt pushed into it, tough. At the time you might have been able to stick to your guns without causing offence, but anything you do now, especially over a too small dress will look petty and not endear you to your new in laws.
  • Tuizner
    I've never heard such nonsense. Healthy food is far more expensive than fattening food. 2 pink lady apples is about £1. For that you can get 6 packets of crisps or a large packet of biscuits. 1 punnet of strawberries is at least £2, you can get multipacks of croissants for that. I could go on, but it is far more expensive, to eat healthily than it is to eat badly. And don't get me started on the cost of corn on the cob!
    Originally posted by gizzie121
    hehe - good point
  • custard monkey
    Be a friend
    You took the risk in buying the dresses early and as such I think it's your responsibility to make other arrangements. As others have pointed out anything could have happened in the meantime, if one of your bridesmaids became pregnant or became ill and lost weight the dress you bought would most probably not be suitable anymore and you'd need to find an alternative solution.
    I agree there seem to be a lot of negative comments about those with excess weight but in my experience you just have to allow for this. Someone who has never battled with an additive personality couldn't hope to understand how hard it can be for someone who finds it difficult to maintain a particular weight long term. Yes, it is ultimately your own decision on how much you eat but as with a lot of things in life other factors especially emotional issues can play a huge role and the bigger picture is not a simple one.
    If she's really a friend to you then be one to her now and don't make her feel like a pariah for gaining a few pounds. I'm sure she hasn't done it to deliberately ruin your day or cost you money!
    • linzi_h
    • By linzi_h 20th Jul 11, 10:37 AM
    • 195 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    linzi_h
    So much rubbish is being typed here!! For starters, you would have chosen close people to be your bridesmaids so why haven't you seen her in a while? Why did you buy the dress without her? Why have you not had dress fittings yet? I cannot believe that people seem to think that it's eating crap thats put the weight on!!! People can have health issues where weight may go higher (PCOS, Thiroyd, Contriceptive Pill!) She might be pregnant and is too worried to tell you because you might go mad?? My advice is to have a girly night in with all the dresses to hand and see what happens!
  • rapido
    I've never heard such nonsense. Healthy food is far more expensive than fattening food. 2 pink lady apples is about £1. For that you can get 6 packets of crisps or a large packet of biscuits. 1 punnet of strawberries is at least £2, you can get multipacks of croissants for that. I could go on, but it is far more expensive, to eat healthily than it is to eat badly. And don't get me started on the cost of corn on the cob!
    Originally posted by gizzie121
    No, that's the nonsense; perhaps just an excuse to not lose weight.

    Put simply, the vast majority of overweight people are consuming far more calories than those who are not. And that can only come from buying more food than is necessary.

    http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-11-09/entertainment/27080716_1_junk-food-food-diary-unhealthy-food

    So if you apparently can't afford to buy the "expensive healthy food", then just buy less of the junk.
    • minerva_windsong
    • By minerva_windsong 20th Jul 11, 10:50 AM
    • 3,765 Posts
    • 8,672 Thanks
    minerva_windsong
    Get all the bridesmaids to come over and try on their dresses - as others have said it might just not be this girl whose dress needs altering. You can then let her decide where to go from there (although if it needed altering I think any bridesmaid worth her salt would offer to pay for that, and indeed for any other part of her outfit).

    Alternatively, maybe say something like you need some extra motivation to work out and invite her to be your gym buddy or go to an exercise class with you? Or get all the bridesmaids over and play some kind of dance/workout game (I have the Zumba Fitness Wii game and if you have enough remotes you can play that with up to four people) so it feels like a fun group thing rather than just focussed on this one girl.
    "A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge." - Tyrion Lannister

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    Loose = the opposite of tight (eg "These trousers feel a little loose")
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    • onesixfive
    • By onesixfive 20th Jul 11, 11:09 AM
    • 344 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    onesixfive
    If she wants to be a bridesmaid after your cutting comments, and just to fit into your cheap frock she doesnt wish to diet! - Get a good dressmaker (if necessary) to alter it (or patch a small matching or coordinating piece in), and cover up the handywork with a shrug, or wrap, (or similar).
    • gillyrah
    • By gillyrah 20th Jul 11, 11:18 AM
    • 24 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    gillyrah
    The poor girl, I'm sure she is aware of her weight gain. Get her to try the dress on, then SHE can make the decision. With commitment you can easily lose a dress size in a few weeks. I highly recommend slimming world for good, healthy weight loss that means you can still have the odd treat. As for the poster who said healthy food is expensive, yes it is if you want pink lady apples! Potatoes, carrots, multipack apples are NOT expensive. Also frozen veg is usually good value. If you're happy to eat chips, chicken nuggets etc then I'm sure you can't get too fussy about your apples!
    • joehoover
    • By joehoover 20th Jul 11, 11:24 AM
    • 145 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    joehoover
    Why are people turning this into a !!!!!fest against fat people? It is hard enough for some if they are low on confidence from nasty comments and am sure they are stuck in a viscous circle with food as a comfort, much like people on here who are in debt who bury themselves deeper into debt as they can't find a way out. People need supprt and help rather than snidey comments from insecure people.

    But in response to the question, why haven't you had dress fittings for your bridesmaids? You've dug your own hole really. You have time to sort it out, just get a fitting sorted and see what you can do to resolve any issues rather than moaning about it.
  • siren13577
    IMHO what I would do is, like most of the posters have suggested is have a try on asap, it's very important you do. See how it goes from there.

    If the dress is too small, you have a few options, buy the same dress in a smaller size that you can buy, take both dresses and your friend to a seamstress and have the seamstress use the second dress for alterations, a good one will be able to insert extra material underneath the arms and it should be unnoticeable, if the style of the dress will allow it. Or you could change your chief BM's dress so she stands out and use that dress to alter your friend's dress.

    Have a completely different dress for your friend, perhaps financed by her, it's not unusual for bridesmaids to wear different styles and your friend would be very grateful to have a lovely dress, within your colour scheme, that would fit her and allow her to enjoy your big day. I bought all my BM's dresses and then my sister became pregnant and was seven months along when I got married so ended up with two bridesmaids in one style and my other sister in a different dress, they looked great.

    I wonder if you could post a picture and the resourceful people here might be able to find the same dress in a larger size? Ebay is usually your friend!

    Don't panic, this is a little hiccup and you will still have a wonderful day.
    :

    Siren

    Keep Smiling

    Eight words ye Wiccan Rede fulfill - Aní it harm none, Do what ye will.

    • joehoover
    • By joehoover 20th Jul 11, 11:40 AM
    • 145 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    joehoover
    I've never heard such nonsense. Healthy food is far more expensive than fattening food. 2 pink lady apples is about £1. For that you can get 6 packets of crisps or a large packet of biscuits. 1 punnet of strawberries is at least £2, you can get multipacks of croissants for that. I could go on, but it is far more expensive, to eat healthily than it is to eat badly. And don't get me started on the cost of corn on the cob!
    Originally posted by gizzie121
    Your argument falls down as you are suggesting still spending the same amount of money, so it is not more expensive, just a choice of spending £2 on strawberries, or on coissants. £2 has still been spent just you have chosen the healthy or unhealthy option. Shop in market stalls for fruit and veg instead of supermarket, just buy what you need not large multipacks as waste can then occur so you have not made that mutipack saving. For a fiver at my local market stall I can come away with two carrier bags of fruit and veg which will last me over a week. Supplement that with offers on meat/fish which I portion up and freeze down, I waste nothing and I plan my meals accordingly. I spent so little on food but I eat really well, having plenty of cash left to treat myself to meals out or fillet steaks at home for a Saturday night. I see the person in front of me at the supermarket with a trolley loaded with junk and a bill for £150, and from what they have I can only see they will be eating something in a crispy crumb and chips every night for the next week, washed down with bottles of coke and crisps and chocolates. Where I have spent £20 and have a variety of meals for a week. It only takes some planning and the basic ability to cook a meal. No fatty takeaways either, you can make healthier versions of KFC at home, Thai or Indian curries from scratch, and my own pizzas which are better than the greasy offerings from Pizza Hut. You don't even need to buy pre made supermarket sauces for Indian or pastas, these can be made from scratch cheaper, much tastier and healthier as you have control over the salt content in them. Unhealthy food is not cheaper, it is just more convenient if you can't bear to tear yourself away from the TV for half an hour to cook. Anyway, this topic needs to be on another thread...
    • leetabix
    • By leetabix 20th Jul 11, 11:45 AM
    • 36 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    leetabix
    Weight is (in most cases) a choice
    The weight of a person is usually down to choice. Some people are affected by certain medical conditions or situations that would result in them being over (and under) weight compared to the norm. So, for the purposes of this response, I'll make the assumption that the bridesmaid's weight is something that she can control through virtue of having the choice of foods to eat and ability to exercise (if this is wrong however, and the OP advises of this, then I'm sure the general responses will be of a different nature).

    Following on from the above, my opinion would be dependant on whether the poster of the question has advised the bridesmaid of the initial size. From the way the question/scenario has been proposed, it seems this is the case, as the bridesmaid has noted that she would regulate her weight for the wedding - someone would generally make a comment like that to either indicate an intention to lose weight in general as a lifestyle choice, using the wedding event as a 'goal' for the weight loss to happen. Otherwise, the only other logical conclusion I can reach is that the comment was made in reference to being able to fit into the bridesmaid dress (if anyone spots any logical fallacies so far, please advise).

    Finally, following on from both paragraphs above, my resultant opinion would be that the bridesmaid should either lose the weight in a healthy manner (current medical opinion (i stress opinion, as admittedly this does change as a result of ongoing medical research into dieting/weight, but the general point still stands) notes this would be around 1 or 2 pounds a week, obtained through exercising 2-3 times a week in 30 minute sessions, along with a healthy/calorie-controlled diet of around 1000-1500 depending on the height/current weight of the person). If this isn't possible, or the bridesmaid is unwilling, discussing the need for an alteration for the dress (and for the bridesmaid to pay for this) I think would be reasonable. Again, this is due to an assumption of the bridesmaid knowing of the size of the dress (which was noted as not being outside of her previous/recent weight range) and choosing indirectly to be as at her current weight.

    As an aside, some people have noted that comments similar to these are sizeist in the context of meaning that 'sizeism' is a negative discrimination in the same grouping as behaviour towards notions such as age/race/sex etc. However, while people can't choose to be a certain age/race/sex etc., for the most part people can choose their weight (for those that can't for medical/related reasons, this would stlil be discrimination as they can't choose not to have that condition unless actively refusing to take medication for a curative condition). Therefore, in the same way that people do discriminate on 'maleable' or changeable attributes such as merit (i.e. when you perform better at an exam and get a better mark than a colleague of otherwise equal ability because you decided to put more effort into the preparation for the test), people find discrimination on weight not as negative as the key factor is the ability to choose which weight to be - this can be demonstrated through practical situations such as this dilemma. A related example would be a commercial situation of an aeroplane operator charging an excessively overweight person for the price of two seats as they physically take up more space on the plane (some literally overlapping onto the next seat and requiring the occupancy of two physical seats, therefore depriving the company of revenue for that seat if they hadn't charged for the seat otherwise), compared to a person of average weight taking up only one seat. I'd be curious to see if people who find the discrimination to be more negative would be those that are overweight themselves (using BMI as an indicator of weight as a relative metric), whereas people who find it acceptable would be those of average weight, with underweight people potentially having a minor negative bias.
    Last edited by leetabix; 20-07-2011 at 12:07 PM. Reason: Correction of spelling mistakes+clarification of opinion
    • nat21luv
    • By nat21luv 20th Jul 11, 11:46 AM
    • 3,377 Posts
    • 27,434 Thanks
    nat21luv
    I cant believe some of the comments on here! Some serious Bridezillas! You wouldnt be so vile if the OP was in debt and needed help so why be so vile towards larger people? Im a size 16 and 5'10 but I dont look 'big'. I comfort eat sometimes because Im stressed, money worries, lonely or just bored. Before you tell me to go on Slim fast, get my !!!!! off the sofa and stop eating so much, Im training for the London Marathon. Your comments were derogitory, offensive and Im really shocked that this is this weeks MMD; best of a bad bunch?

    As for the dress issue, I agree with other posters; have a girly night dress fitting.
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    • Lexis200
    • By Lexis200 20th Jul 11, 11:55 AM
    • 264 Posts
    • 162 Thanks
    Lexis200
    No, that's the nonsense; perhaps just an excuse to not lose weight.

    Put simply, the vast majority of overweight people are consuming far more calories than those who are not. And that can only come from buying more food than is necessary.

    http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-11-09/entertainment/27080716_1_junk-food-food-diary-unhealthy-food

    So if you apparently can't afford to buy the "expensive healthy food", then just buy less of the junk.
    Originally posted by rapido
    The poster wasn't saying overweight people didn't consume more calories, they said it was more expensive to eat healthily, and that is bang on. If I want to fill my kids' lunchboxes with crisps, chocolate snacks and a squash I can do it for far less than if I put in a couple of bits of fruit or veg and a fruit juice or smoothie. I know this because when we were in serious money trouble it was very tempting to send them in with c**p everyday instead of keeping the healthy stuff going.

    I love the cut and dried way people harp on about how easy it is to lose weight. Ask any hardened smoker how hard it is to give up, or an alcoholic. At least they have the option of just cutting out their addition completely. People with food issues have to deal with an addiction that is just as ingrained, but they are forced to face their problem all day every day.

    And no, I'm not overweight - I was for many years, but that was due to massive doses of steroids (there's fun, having people ask you if you're pregnant from the age of 7 - no sadly not kidding or exaggerating -, all because you're on drugs to stop you dying). The one year (between ages 5 and 20) I wasn't on them at age 13 I dropped to a size 8. It is possible but it is hard hard work. I don't have time for people who are unhappily overweight, have no medical problems and don't try to help themselves, preferring to use excuses instead. Having been fat without being able to help it, that really irritates me. I do have issues with people who assume it's easy though. In words, yes, it's the easiest thing in the world. In practise, really not so much. If someone's trying but slips off the wagon every now and then and can't instantly drop a stone, cut them some slack - it's bl**dy hard!

    To the OP though I'd agree with many of the posts - regardless of why your friend has put the weight on, with only 6 weeks to go you need to get on and get her trying it and work from there. If she knew what size dress it was when you bought it and she has put on weight due to overeating then possibly you may be entitled to gently suggest she helps towards adjustment costs (if it's possible to get it done), or even maybe having a similar dress made. If there's some other reason, or you didn't tell her the size that you were ordering I think you have far less reason to ask her for help with money.

    To be perfectly honest though, on the day you're going to be so swept up in everything that I doubt you'd notice if your bridesmaids showed up in purple tutus
    Last edited by Lexis200; 20-07-2011 at 12:09 PM.
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  • cathye555
    maybe youu should speak direct to your bridesmaid rather than !!!!!ing about her behind her back. imagine how she would feel if she stumbled on this.
    • freeasabird
    • By freeasabird 20th Jul 11, 12:03 PM
    • 192 Posts
    • 61 Thanks
    freeasabird
    I cannot believe the OP has not had her friend try on the dress, or that she ordered it without checking her size, she may not be the only bridesmaid who won't fit into her dress. In any event, if its a dress size or less too small, as some others have mentioned, good corsetry or support underwear might make the difference. Some of the comments on here are disgusting, its totally the OP's fault this situation has occurred and she really has no idea whether the dress will fit or not! It has NOTHING to do with anyone else what size this woman is, the OP should not have bought the dresses so far in advance, many women have fluctuating weight that goes up and down a size. I found the post with the can of Slimfast particularly offensive.

    This post is ridiculous, I can't believe MSE chose it as the money moral dilemma!
    Originally posted by Saetana

    I totally agree with this post.

    Only some anal retentative bridezilla would think a different dress means a different status for the bridesmaid.

    I've been to plenty of weddings where the bridesmaids wear a similar design but not necessarily the same dress so that people can wear styles that suit them best.

    I also think it beggars belief that you bought the dresses without getting your bridesmaids to try them on and hadn't factored in having to alter the dresses if necessary.
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