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  • FIRST POST
    • JackeeBoy
    • By JackeeBoy 2nd Jul 19, 2:37 PM
    • 131Posts
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    JackeeBoy
    Is it just women who get caught up with the whole "fairy tale wedding"?
    • #1
    • 2nd Jul 19, 2:37 PM
    Is it just women who get caught up with the whole "fairy tale wedding"? 2nd Jul 19 at 2:37 PM
    When I got married, I enjoyed the day fondly and have great memories of it. I spent £10,000 in total and don't feel too bad about spending that money as I did not take out debt for it and I already purchased my house (with a mortgage) and owned my car out right. However, the only reason I got married is because I wanted children and the wife didn't without being married. I would have rather put that money in savings or spent it on the house, even with hindsight.

    During the planning, my wife is getting all emotional about the dress, crying during the day and had an entire book dedicated to what she wanted for the day which has been putting together long before we got together. I did not cry, picked the first suit that fitted and overall just wasn't too fussed.

    I have just always been curious how so many women dream of this day for when they are little. Where the hell the does this thought process come from? Then again, I could be wrong. Do/did you guys also dream of the "perfect day"?

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    Last edited by MSE Tine; 10-07-2019 at 8:17 AM.
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    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 4th Jul 19, 6:01 AM
    • 2,257 Posts
    • 3,910 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    I remember I was in awe of Sarah Fergusons' wedding dress, (much nicer than Diana's), and so yes, I always wanted a lovely beaded, sparkly big dress, and even designed a couple in school home-economics.

    I got my wish....but the day itself was modest, with only approx. 40 guests for main event.
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    • charlie792
    • By charlie792 4th Jul 19, 6:01 AM
    • 1,692 Posts
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    charlie792
    personally I think you have to do what works for you.
    I can't say as a kid I've ever dreamed or planned a wedding. To be honest until last year me and OH were in firm agreement not to bother with getting married, a piece of paper doesn't change anything and we've been together years and years anyway BUT I had a change of heart because I felt it did matter because legally and financially I wanted the security if something bad happened which may sound odd but the fact we've been together for almost half our lives I hated the thought that we aren't legally recognised as a couple in the eyes of the law. Plus there's the people who still insist on referring to OH as my 'boyfriend' rather than my partner etc [admittedly my issue but it sounds so childish]

    I was more than happy with a cheap and cheerful wedding, either eloping or just having a tiny ceremony with litterally just parents and siblings but he didn't want that. He was of the opinion that we have the money and arent getting ourselves into debt for it, why not spend it on something we are going to do once in our lives.

    So we've planned a small wedding (less than 30 guests) but we're hiring a private house for a whole weekend and doing things a bit different.
    We could have got a package for 80+ guests for less than £3k all in elsewhere (nothing against that but it's just not us). Were paying a lot more for a lot less people but it's how we want it to be, but our value is the time spent with some close family (ie our expense is accomodation for them more than anything) rather than some meaningless tat as table decorations or something ludicrous, we went to a few wedding fayres but they definitely aren't us. I think places like that tell you 'how it's meant to be' and people get sucked into that. I think more people need to take a step back and think about what they want, not how someone tells you it should be.
    Last edited by charlie792; 04-07-2019 at 6:04 AM.
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    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 4th Jul 19, 8:42 AM
    • 2,838 Posts
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    chelseablue
    Im a woman and got married last year. My husband was the one who wanted the big do and I just wanted a registry office and a nice pub meal

    Had the big do, spent £14,000 (all saved for, didn't get into debt for it)

    Biggest waste of money ever!
    • 5tx
    • By 5tx 10th Jul 19, 12:45 AM
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    5tx
    We got married recently - town hall ceremony and local club buffet and BYOB party after. We'd have done this anyway but were surprised by several friends saying to us they felt theirs had been OTT...interestingly this was often down to parents, often because they were offering to pay. In a couple of cases the brides and grooms said they felt the money offered was excessive but had been saved by their parents specifically for that day. One bride's parents did this because that's what had been done for them. A groom's parents did it because it had NOT been done for them and they wished it had been. Another couple, whose wedding was so beautiful and also a LOT of fun, said there had been people at their wedding they didn't even know as the bride's parents (who had paid for half the wedding) invited some of their friends who the bride and groom had never met.
    For all of them once the budget had been set - not totally by the couple themselves - they spent what was available even if that was far more than they would have spent if it had been their own money.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 10th Jul 19, 1:11 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    I don't get it at all. I don't particularly want to get married (I am a woman!), but when OH and I talk about it, we consider cheap and cheerful - Gretna Greene with closest friends or local town hall followed by a venue with nice food. We've been together almost 20 years and our plans haven't taken form so we probably won't worry about it in this lifetime. When his sister got married, she rented a function room and all friends pitched in to make food and host, etc ... It was wonderful and fun and not very stressful. The pictures are beautiful - everyone is dressed lovely and looks so happy. I should add we're both from fairly wealthy families, but both families don't seem to attach much credence to the "fairy tale" wedding ideal. So that's at least 2 women right here who don't dream of "that" day ... I love happy endings and princess stories but I also like reality and being confident in my own thoughts.
    Originally posted by Soot2006
    I also never wanted the floaty dress and hundreds of guests. I married the man I loved, four months after I met him, in a small room at the registry office with twelve guests. We both wore clothes we already had.

    We are still married almost 49 years later.

    I would have considered spending even £5k (or the equivalent in 1971, when I got married) to be a complete waste of money.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
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    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 10th Jul 19, 5:24 AM
    • 350 Posts
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    Teacher2
    I am a woman and, due to a horrible, messy parental divorce never wanted to marry. My partner convinced me it would be a good idea and his parents thought we should marry quickly.

    Thus we planned and executed a very small wedding in a register office in six weeks. We catered it ourselves and I had an off the peg high street white dress. We had a proper wedding cake which wasn’t lovely but the whole thing cost us £250 and, even in 1979, that was not much.

    Jump forward to this year and our dear daughter, who was brought up to have feminist independence and work for her own living, has opted for the fairytale wedding at a large countryside venue. She had a designer dress and all the bells and whistles. It was a lovely day but it wasn’t cheap.

    I still do not understand the ‘princess for a day’ thing. I would rather save my cash and be a princess for life in a nice house.
    • Flo61
    • By Flo61 10th Jul 19, 6:48 AM
    • 89 Posts
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    Flo61
    I think in my generation it originated in fairytales. I still have childhood memories of visiting the pantomime where cinderella/sleeping beauty/whoever would finally sweep down the staircase in a magnificent meringue dress. Fast forward to adulthood and i obviously hadn’t bought it as i chose to live with my partner although it wasn’t very common then and my parents disapproved on religious grounds. Once my biological clock started ticking loudly then i felt like i wanted more security and the same name as my children. Then came the traditional wedding but part of me has always felt like i caved in and i deliberately made a point of not reading those fairytales to my daughter.
    • FTBlalala
    • By FTBlalala 10th Jul 19, 9:46 AM
    • 54 Posts
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    FTBlalala
    I think it is very personal how/when you get married and definitely case by case.

    Me for example, I've been with my partner for almost 9 years now and we often talk about getting married. I absolutely hate being the centre of attention so cannot think of anything worse than be a magical princess bride! My friends are outraged why I wouldn't want a big shindig but I would rather put 10k towards my house than on one day.

    We will most likely go for small, family only registry office and then some good grub. Maybe a small party at our house for friends to celebrate with us.
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    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 10th Jul 19, 9:51 AM
    • 900 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    Registry office, then a buffet back at my mums place.
    I wanted the man more than a posh big wedding.
    I've seen lots of posh big weddings end in divorce because frankly it was all downhill from there, in the brides eye nothing matched it so they set themselves up for disappointment.
    Want the man, marry the man (37 years this year), the day will sort itself out!
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Jul 19, 10:21 AM
    • 23,162 Posts
    • 62,613 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I have to say that the majority of the replies so far have disproved the OP's belief that 'so many women dream of this day for (sic) when they are little.'

    Of course it could be that the women who did "get caught up with the whole "fairy tale wedding" don't want to comment...
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 10th Jul 19, 11:51 AM
    • 2,117 Posts
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    happyandcontented
    Registry office, then a buffet back at my mums place.
    I wanted the man more than a posh big wedding.
    I've seen lots of posh big weddings end in divorce because frankly it was all downhill from there, in the brides eye nothing matched it so they set themselves up for disappointment.
    Want the man, marry the man (37 years this year), the day will sort itself out!
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    It is possible to have both a really nice, big, posh (if you want to use that term) wedding and a long, happy marriage

    I think that those who feel that the two are mutually exclusive are perhaps feeling that having a small, cheap wedding day is morally superior as it they feel displays that they care more about the marriage than the day, but that is not always the case!!
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Jul 19, 12:33 PM
    • 4,926 Posts
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    Alikay
    I think that those who feel that the two are mutually exclusive are perhaps feeling that having a small, cheap wedding day is morally superior as it they feel displays that they care more about the marriage than the day, but that is not always the case!!
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    There is a lot of that joyless attitude on this forum
    • CapricornLass
    • By CapricornLass 10th Jul 19, 1:02 PM
    • 258 Posts
    • 1,042 Thanks
    CapricornLass
    I wan't one who planned her wedding as a girl. Being married, yes, but not a clue as to how the event would be. I think this is largely due to my father telling me from about 5 years old that going up the aisle was the easy part - the living happily ever after was much harder! (His other saying about weddings was 'Old Scottish proverb. Always marry for love - you can borrow money cheaper....)

    My own wedding was a registry ceremony followed by a buffet lunch at my parents house. This was partly due to budget constraints, but also because I felt it was hypercritical of me to get married in a church when I wasn't a churchgoer.
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    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 10th Jul 19, 3:24 PM
    • 12,128 Posts
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    suki1964
    It is possible to have both a really nice, big, posh (if you want to use that term) wedding and a long, happy marriage

    I think that those who feel that the two are mutually exclusive are perhaps feeling that having a small, cheap wedding day is morally superior as it they feel displays that they care more about the marriage than the day, but that is not always the case!!
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    As said before, ask this question on another site, then you would get different answers

    I certainly don't feel superior because I had a small "cheap" wedding. We went that route because he was divorced, neither of us religious , we had already lived together 13 years, had the house and everything it entails, we had been through hell and high water, good times and some bloody awful times and I think really for us, it was just confirmation that we were both there for each other for the long haul.

    Maybe if we had met younger, without the baggage we both had, we may have married sooner and had the big bash, who knows ? But I don't ever remember dreaming about the fairy tale wedding, I never even thought Id ever get married
    if you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 10th Jul 19, 3:38 PM
    • 899 Posts
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    onwards&upwards

    So we've planned a small wedding (less than 30 guests) but we're hiring a private house for a whole weekend and doing things a bit different.
    Originally posted by charlie792

    You’re monopolising a whole weekend? Or can people just come for the important bit?
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 10th Jul 19, 4:02 PM
    • 8,929 Posts
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    enthusiasticsaver
    I was not bothered about a big wedding and we only had three months to plan it. I certainly did not dream about getting married as a young girl with a floaty princess dress.

    We were saving for a house and paying out thousands for a wedding was not on our agenda. We were lucky enough to get a cheap rented flat above a bank (I worked for a bank) but the condition was we had to be married or getting married within three months.


    I rented a dress, reception was in a marquee in my parents garden and we kept all costs as low as possible. We rearranged a holiday already planned and made that our honeymoon. No debt, no fuss and suited us. We are still married 37 years later.

    My sister had the posh wedding with the fancy hotel, plush honeymoon and all the trimmings. She is now going through a divorce although they still stayed married until their children were adults but not that happily I think sadly.


    Each to their own but I wonder how many who pay out for these fancy weddings are still married in five years time or regret paying out that much.
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    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 11th Jul 19, 10:14 AM
    • 900 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    It is possible to have both a really nice, big, posh (if you want to use that term) wedding and a long, happy marriage

    I think that those who feel that the two are mutually exclusive are perhaps feeling that having a small, cheap wedding day is morally superior as it they feel displays that they care more about the marriage than the day, but that is not always the case!!
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    There is a lot of that joyless attitude on this forum
    Originally posted by Alikay

    If thats all the pair of you got from what i wrote then it says a lot more about you than it does me.
    Rude much!
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 11th Jul 19, 1:16 PM
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    happyandcontented

    If thats all the pair of you got from what i wrote then it says a lot more about you than it does me.
    Rude much!
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    And it isn't rude to imply that if you have a big wedding you care more about that than the longevity of the marriage? Really?
    • jp1964
    • By jp1964 11th Jul 19, 3:10 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 313 Thanks
    jp1964
    Interesting replies.

    My perspective is that its down to personal choice, and personality, and I guess men are just as individual as women! Some want involvement and some don't. Some people want a big wedding and some don't, there is no right or wrong way.I personally do not think the scale of the wedding dictates if the marriage will last! That is all down to attitude, effort in working at the marriage and personality/ compatibility.

    I am getting married next year for the second time, and yes, we are having a big wedding as far as it is a ceremony in a castle and then a reception in the local town hall, in a beautiful room, and I am having the full white dress thing, we are having vintage 1950's cars, photographer, room decorator, professional caterers and cake, entertainment and evening dj etc, but it certainly is a considered choice, rather than 'getting caught up' in the whole wedding thing, we are both really looking forward to it, and have planned it together, although my dress will be a secret until the day lol!

    We are paying for it all ourselves, we both already own property and we live on my fiance's houseboat. Our adult children are all being involved, we have 6 daughters and a son between us, my son is walking me down the aisle and the girls are all bridesmaids. My partner's little grandson will also be there, as will my two nephews who will be ushers, which they are very pleased about!

    My first wedding was a church wedding, followed by a reception in the church hall next to the church, we had caterers, one car, flowers, photographer, and we were married for 31 years before separation and later divorce. My ex husband was not involved with the wedding planning at all, all he had to do was turn up.

    I was not looking for another long term relationship when I met my fiance online, just dating and fun times, but we hit it off as soon as we met, we just get on so well, and we fell in love almost straight away. 2 years on, after living together for more than a year, we still do, and the wedding is going to be a celebration of that, no more and no less.

    I am an emotional person, so I know I am going to cry, and quite honestly I feel so lucky to have met someone who I love so much and loves me back in equal measure. He is emotional too, but is not publicly over emotional so I will be very surprised if he has tears on the day, even though he loves me so much. I am very much on the waterproof mascara scale!

    The kind of wedding we are having is simply what we both want, a big celebration, and to share that day with family and friends will be so wonderful.

    It is costing in the region of about £12,000 and we are going camping in France for our honeymoon, simply because that is what we love to do.

    I respect the fact that for many our kind of day is not their choice, and if you truly love someone that is all that matters, and a small wedding is just as lovely, but for us the choice was what it is.

    It is certainly true that I would love to feel like a princess on my wedding day, if that means to feel really special, yes indeed, and I will be spending hundreds rather than thousands on a dress to do that, and if that makes some people think me shallow, I am of an age and maturity to not really care. We are both happy with what we have chosen to do.

    The main reason for our choice of day is to share our love and our wedding day with those we care about, and at 55 years old each, that is what we would like to do and we choose to spend our money this way.
    Making time for me now. Out with old habits and ideas, and open to change......
    • Skiddaw1
    • By Skiddaw1 11th Jul 19, 3:29 PM
    • 86 Posts
    • 126 Thanks
    Skiddaw1
    Lovely post jp1964. One of my dearest friends is in exactly the same boat as you and has a very similar wedding coming up soon. I'm to be her bridesmaid (as I was the first time around) and I'm really looking forward to it. I feel like it is her 'proper' wedding this time.



    Just goes to show that it's whatever feels right that counts. Worked for me and Mr S anyway as we're still together close on 25 years later...
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