Struggling with indecision

Newly_retired · 20 July 2018 at 10:09AM

I am at a time in my life when I want to make the future easier to cope with, but am struggling with the present!
I am in good health, been retired 11 years, despite my username.
DH is about the same age, but in less good health, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, well controlled, angina. He went back to work twice and has only just fully retired. We both do voluntary work and I have family close by but very busy, his are further away but in touch.
The house desperately needs decorating, some new carpets and a number of minor jobs. In the old days DH did all the decorating but cannot do it now. He admits to needing help in the garden too but has not found anybody yet. Money is not the issue.
The house is full to overflowing, making decorating and new carpets almost impossible.
I don’t know where to begin as he makes so much fuss about getting anybody in to do anything, even the window cleaner is a nuisance to him. I just dare not raise theses issues as he will have an angina attack.
We are both to some extent hoarders of useful or sentimental stuff
( not like the stuff you see in those tv hoarders programmes) but there is so much of it including the garage and loft full. One of these days he will drop dead or become incapacitated and I won’t know where to start with it all but at least I won’t need his agreement any more. I know from decluttering threads that others are in this position but I need to get his agreement to get decorators in then we will have to clear some space. Any advice, without upsetting the Apple cart?

tacpot12 · 20 July 2018 at 10:32AM

If raising the issue is too difficult, you might have to wait for him to die. I'm not being callous, but just replaying what you have said to see if this helps you realise that you will either have to get his agreement somehow, or go behind his back. The latter is more likely to trigger his angina, so the former is the only option.

I don't know your DH, but you probably just need to keep pointing out the effect the issues are having on you, that he can't do the work and that money is not a problem. Why not start small and see if you can find a good local handyman who can do the small jobs for you?

If these jobs are things he doesn't notice but affect you, perhaps you could go behind his back to get them fixed. Risky business though.

Hope this helps

bugslet · 20 July 2018 at 10:39AM

Oh tacpot, well done for saying what I thought, in your first sentence, but would have fudged.:o I was widowed 5 years ago and I like (after a period of being miserable) the feeling that I can do exactly what I want without a discussion or a compromise;)

The only thing I can suggest is discuss with him that it is affecting you, you don't like living in a house that needs an overhaul. It isn't fair on you that he doesn't meet you halfway. Would he be any happier going away for a couple of weeks to a relatives, whilst the work was done, or would that be a no no?

You could mooch round youtube, there are a quite a few videos on hoarding ( of varying degrees) and how to deal with it. Might find a suggestion there.

Newly_retired · 20 July 2018 at 11:14AM

Well you are brave to be so blunt, but yes, when DH dies I shall certainly be able to get rid of so much stuff and get the place how I want it.
Meanwhile.....either he/ we are gradually going to get more decrepit so neither of us can face any upheaval, orperhaps one of us will have a stroke or some other sudden incapacity. Or worse, he gets dementia and wants everything to stay the same. I don’t really fancy any of these scenarios to be honest, which is why I am now thinking about how to prepare and plan.

[Deleted User] · 20 July 2018 at 11:25AM

NR, you need to resort to old fashioned tactics ie under his nose but not telling him. Remove one or two things at a time and it will make a big difference in a fairly short time. I would leave the decorating for now, just quietly and silently de-clutter the small stuff. If all else fails and if possible, then designate one room as his and one room as yours and you could do all you want in `your` room

I would leave the garage and the loft for now as these can be very difficult areas to free up. Maybe he is one of those men who will respond if you make a suggestion and then say no more, while you will be inwardly knowing that you are right. He won`t get angina if he doesn`t know

badmemory · 20 July 2018 at 12:31PM

I would actually start on the loft. This is the first place you will not be able to access if you have any problems with mobility. So whilst you don't have any mobility problems now you may have in the future. I had a leg problem a couple of years ago which meant going up a ladder L L L instead of L R L which was a wake up call (OK now).

I have emptied over half my loft out & you can't tell, so its an ongoing project but the thought of someone else having to deal with it spurs me on (from time to time).

You could then try the "I moved it into the loft because I tripped over it & am worried that I may get stuck in hospital for a couple of weeks if I break something".

Newly_retired · 20 July 2018 at 4:02PM

Thanks for the replies. Food for thought..

I am happy to ignore the loft. I am, if need be, capable of getting down the few things I may need ie Christmas decorations. I will leave his son to do DH’s stuff. After all, it is not stopping the decorating. Same with the garage. He potters in there, so I keep out.

There is very little of his that I could get rid of without him finding out and then he would be livid. If he loses his marbles, yes, that is another matter. I think I need to work on my clutter to set an example, then find the right moment to talk about the stair carpet, which will become dangerous before too long. Although very inconvenient, I reckon there is the least stuff to be moved to get the hall and stairs decorated, which it would be sensible to do before getting a new carpet,
So I think I have answered my own question. We have to talk, just need to find the right moment!

ShyAndRetiring · 20 July 2018 at 10:04PM

Hi NR

Glad the responses you've had are already helping, there's some good advice there!

I think you're right to start with your own clutter, in the hope of spurring on some involvement from OH. If the hall and stairs would be the easiest areas to clear and all under the guise of being able to get it decorated, then that also seems like a good starting point.

As Tacpot suggests, I'd also vote for trying to find a local handyman to help, perhaps someone who can also help with the garden. You mention that you both volunteer ... if this is locally, maybe ask some of your volunteer colleagues if they have someone they can recommend?

Wishing you well, SaR x

[Deleted User] · 21 July 2018 at 6:52AM

I have gone through that massive declutter, the shed and garage were far the worst to do. We actually started in a very slow way, about 5 years ago, I started and then noticed that my husband was sifting through his clothes, eventually his wardrobe was far neater than mine and that spurred me on. After he died, then I carried on with just the house, we had no loft, I did room by room, just like when it was my job as a child, to tidy the living room when my 6 younger siblings had gone to bed. I started in a corner and worked outwards. I had guilt feelings about much of my stuff, the money I had spent, the gifts but I re-homed in charity shops most of the time. Believe me, there was a huge sense of relief and lightness when I came home. The shopping trolley was a godsend for that

NR, there must be areas that your dh never looks in, the airing cupboard for example, work out just how many bedding sets and towels you need then let the rest go to help people who cannot afford to buy new, thinking this way, it helped and stopped me feeling guilty. Under the sink, by the washing machine, your own clothes and shoes

coffeehound · 21 July 2018 at 8:21AM

Since money is not the issue, you could take a storage unit nearby and have some of your larger items moved there (by e.g. reputable men and van) which might help give you enough extra space to start your redecorating and reorganising. Self-storage like Big Yellow is convenient to access to avoid any anxieties and only you have access to it.

Browntoa · 21 July 2018 at 8:48AM

Look at eBay to slowly list your clutter , search on similar items to see if it's worth listing. The items can the slowly vanish when posted or you know it's worthless and needs getting rid of.

If you are lucky you will make enough for the carpet you need

Struggling with indecision

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