How to avoid meeting up

Sunny_Saver · 19 March 2017 at 10:20PM

justme111: if I was assertive, I'd be direct and ask him why it is so important that we meet up now given that when his wife was alive we hadn't seen each other for three years.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 20 March 2017 at 4:42AM

He's still a bloke, even if he is in his 80s. If he cared for his OH deeply, he's going to be missing not just her company, but somebody smiling at him or talking to him. Older friends who have lost their partners have said that it's not just their personality or smiles they miss, they miss the physical contact/intimacy and warmth. And that can make them seem a little clingy towards people who are kind to them.

Maybe a 'my husband doesn't like it', lazy get out though it might sound, would be enough?

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 7:32AM

I think I can combine JoJo's and Piglet's suggestions - when he texts or asks to meet up for coffee/lunch, I'll say 'well obviously husband is working during the week so can't do then, maybe we can meet up one weekend' and at the lunch say we have to go to the cinema afterwards.

I hope he takes the hint as he can be very persistent. He once listed to me the scenarios when we could meet up, ie before or after you go shopping, after the gym, they were all times when OH is working.

Pop_Up_Pirate · 20 March 2017 at 8:31AM

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

This man has a family. He has children, grandchildren, so he is not alone alone. He sees some of them weekly and his daughter several times a week.

When I asked to meet up with him and his wife years ago, they were 'too busy'.

Ok I'll be truthful, I dont go to coffee shops because I find them overpriced and dull. I dont want to waste my money on drinks that are a fraction of the cost if I made at home or bought in Sainsbury. I shouldn't be ashamed of saying that as I am on MSE after all.

The point is, if we were that great friends surely we would have seen each other prior to her passing or someone in his family would have told me she had passed. I know that they put an ad to notify people of her funeral in the town where she grew up, but not down here, so no one can say they were too upset to tell people.

If he were half his age, say 40, would you give the same advice, ie that I am selfish and should spend time with him?

He is in his 80s, has a large family, goes to the gym, has been on holiday on his own since his wife died, goes out with neighbours.

I just dont like being made to feel uncomfortable. The time he came for lunch, it was lunch that week, then the following week he wanted lunch again, then week after coffee. It's not a few hours a month he wants, it's hours a week. I dont even see my close friends that often.

You sound so resentful of this man when it's you that has lacked assertiveness.

So just tell him you're not interested instead of beating around the bush.

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 8:38AM

Yes, you are probably right, I do feel annoyed because when I tried to meet up with them, they were too busy. For three years they were too busy. Now he has all the time in the world and wants to meet up every week and even tells me how long it is since he saw me.

I should be assertive. Next time he mentions it, I will ask him when was the last I saw his him and his wife.

It's easy to be wise after the event, I should have taken the hint when they were 'busy' for all those years and just left it to a Christms card a year, then I might not be writing these posts today.

itsanne · 20 March 2017 at 8:49AM

That would be a very unkind way of going about things.

itsanne · 20 March 2017 at 9:09AM

Speaking as someone recently bereaved, I'd be horrified at the thought of someone consciously being 'happy to say hi and make small talk' if they bumped into me in the street but wanting to avoid me otherwise. It's* something that happens all the time when I'm out, especially as people know about OH and stop to speak when they see me. That's fine as a 'normal' form of communication - how patronising if it were planned as the limit of interaction!

* Bumping into me and chatting, not planning to avoid anything else.

ripplyuk · 20 March 2017 at 9:33AM

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

He now knows I am at a certain place at a certain time, so he also goes then at that time. I haven't said what place in case he's on here, although I doubt it. Well, I've stopped going there now, as I had stuff to do there and he'd follow me and talk.

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

He once listed to me the scenarios when we could meet up, ie before or after you go shopping, after the gym, they were all times when OH is working.

^^^This is worrying.

Sunny, I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed. No one should be making you so uncomfortable that you have to change your routine/activities to avoid them. This doesn't sound like an innocent lonely old man to me. It's not normal to put that amount of pressure on you.

If you're struggling to be assertive, could your husband help? Does he understand how uncomfortable this man is making you feel?

System · 20 March 2017 at 9:38AM

Are you annoyed because of this?

A friend passed away several years ago. Prior to that time I had not seen her or her OH for a few years as they were always busy.

or this?

Almost a year later, I bumped into him. He was looking really well. My husband and I invited him around for lunch - he stayed for about seven or eight hours ... far too long, especially when there is nothing to talk about and when you have work to get ready for the next day.

or this?

Since then he's invited me out for lunch/coffee several times - me not my husband and I.

To be honest, he sounds as if he's got a busy social life as it is. If he makes you feel uncomfortable, just keep telling him your busy.

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 9:41AM

So as someone recently bereaved, itsanne what do you suggest. Clearly the friendship has ran it's course, we didn't see each other for three years.

ripplyuk: my GP has put me in a swimming class at the local pool. 'Dave' is also a member, but not in the class. The pool gets very busy at class times, but now he has seen me go, he goes to to talk to me. He could go anytime. If I use the sauna after, he does too. Maybe it's coincidence, but if it were me, I'd use the pool at quiet times, not when there's a class so half of it cannot be used.

My husband says I should meet him for coffee, but if I say you come too, he's less keen! He was the one who was most affected by the 7-8 hour lunch, as he had to get up at 5.45am the next day.

How to avoid meeting up

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free