Massive family problem & It's tearing me up. Needing guidance

motorguy · 10 May 2018 at 8:39PM

fishybusiness wrote: »

Hopefully you have removed the social media posts now - it is a step in to moving on.

I had a pretty crap unbringing, similar story to one or two others. My dad was an angry bully, control freak and a drinker - oh and he was as selfish as they come. My mum, well she is lovely but I'm sure was always teetering between sanity and insanity with her ideas.

Anyway, took me until my thirties to begin to sort it all out, and it was painful, the realisations of how I had been treated, especially compared to my siblings. Moving on, I can say life does get better, somehow mourning the losses, rather than rejecting out of anger helps emotions settle.

You'll no doubt find confronting those that have caused you pain won't work, likely they will resist and tell you all about you, and it is all your fault - it isn't worth it.

I wonder if you can find a way in to therapy, and learn to take care of yourself, it really is possible to do.

I hope it works out for you.

This exactly - i in ways mourn the loss of the relationships with my brother and sister, but their relationship with me was destructive and they could see in no way the damage they were causing me and my family - not helped by the fact they sided with each other.

Far easier for me to cut them out of my life and move on. I mourn the loss of the relationships but am a happier person because of it.

nobile · 10 May 2018 at 9:05PM

The internet is a dangerous thing if you don't know how to use it or understand the ramifications of using it to put everything out there in the public domain.

I was going to say, 'lesson learnt, move on' - but people seldom learn.

Good luck

Charleyalmostking · 11 May 2018 at 9:16PM

motorguy wrote: »

My family have been like that. Ultimately i made the decision to cut them out of my life. I havent spoke to my brother in 11 years and my sister in a year.

I wouldnt tolerate their behaviour from friends therefore i dont see why i should from family.

BUT - there was no need at all to "go public" on a blog with their actual names. You could have put in different names if it was about getting your feelings out there. I think using names has done more harm than good.

As people grow older it does just become about a "how are you?" at family events and thats about it. If they dont want to reach out and make better a relationship then you cant force them. Even if YOU reach out, that doesnt mean they will suddenly all become friendly again. I've tried it with my family and theres usually a bit of "yes lets try harder" but then no-one bothers.

Also, finally, you are seeing everything from YOUR perspective. Everyone else has THEIR perspective, that doesnt make yours the correct one and theirs wrong.

I would either remove the blog or family names from it as a start.

If there is no interest from your family in any reconciliation then you need to accept that and move on - you can lead a horse to water...

I DIDN'T use any names or point to anyone in specific , I literally just said ;

"I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

That was just the blog post. The names here was changed for this reason , the names are made up in this thread.

I'm keeping myself to myself unless they absolutely need my interaction.
I'm litterally only talking to my parents and thats it and not all the time either.

motorguy · 12 May 2018 at 5:01PM

Charleyalmostking wrote: »

I DIDN'T use any names or point to anyone in specific , I literally just said ;

"I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

That was just the blog post. The names here was changed for this reason , the names are made up in this thread.

I'm keeping myself to myself unless they absolutely need my interaction.
I'm litterally only talking to my parents and thats it and not all the time either.

So how do the said family members know about it, and know its about them?

They clearly believe it can be linked to them. Did you use your own full name for example?

Charleyalmostking · 12 May 2018 at 7:37PM

motorguy wrote: »

So how do the said family members know about it, and know its about them?

They clearly believe it can be linked to them. Did you use your own full name for example?

No idea, it could have been about my mums side for all she knew.

She knows my family have been pushing me away , they never gave a fling monkeys when i got engaged. never showed any interest when i showed my ring at a family meal.
But my family probably has spoken and told lies about me behind their backs - they do this often, i've heard them to make it out to be my fault ... Due to this i did disconnect myself for a while.

I was dealing with depression , dealing with the fact that my family hated my (now fiance) boyfriend even when he helped me through a lot and even when I openly said about all the good things he's done for me, my dad who punched me, my family didn't visit me in our new house for a good 7 months because 'they didn't feel welcome' even though i did invite them over 3+ times and all i got was "maybe" . No texts or calls. I was also trying to settle into a an area which i didn't know, starting anew job as well as trying to unpack and run a home for the first time away from parents plus dealing with a very ill family member.

Yet , they didn't understand this

It was on my blog and i did link to my instagram, which she wasn't on and she didn't follow me,
so the only way i could think of was she had a recommendation of friends on instagram and clicked the link through there.

I haven't been going to family events for a long time because of my work hours and because of my depression so that's probably why she thought. But I've been honest and said I couldn't because of work... I wasn't making excuses up.

JWM · 13 May 2018 at 3:36PM

Charleyalmostking wrote: »

No idea, it could have been about my mums side for all she knew.

She knows my family have been pushing me away , they never gave a fling monkeys when i got engaged. never showed any interest when i showed my ring at a family meal.
But my family probably has spoken and told lies about me behind their backs - they do this often, i've heard them to make it out to be my fault ... Due to this i did disconnect myself for a while.

I was dealing with depression , dealing with the fact that my family hated my (now fiance) boyfriend even when he helped me through a lot and even when I openly said about all the good things he's done for me, my dad who punched me, my family didn't visit me in our new house for a good 7 months because 'they didn't feel welcome' even though i did invite them over 3+ times and all i got was "maybe" . No texts or calls. I was also trying to settle into a an area which i didn't know, starting anew job as well as trying to unpack and run a home for the first time away from parents plus dealing with a very ill family member.

Yet , they didn't understand this

It was on my blog and i did link to my instagram, which she wasn't on and she didn't follow me,
so the only way i could think of was she had a recommendation of friends on instagram and clicked the link through there.

I haven't been going to family events for a long time because of my work hours and because of my depression so that's probably why she thought. But I've been honest and said I couldn't because of work... I wasn't making excuses up.

You keep making going over the same ground. He said she said. It just doesn't matter.

You seem to want to be told that you are right. Just walk away and don't look back.

As someone said on another of your numerous threads - you do seem a bit obsessive.

Charleyalmostking · 13 May 2018 at 3:45PM

It's alright the situation is past me now. I'm just going to live my life how i want . I got too much to do and think of .

AliasOmega · 13 May 2018 at 10:49PM

Hi,

You cant fix the past, but you can fix the future.

Try not to let the past affect the future...

AO

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 13 May 2018 at 11:12PM

Changing your online names and rebuilding your internet privacy/identity from scratch might be a plan. Your user name suggests your first name and boyfriend's surname - and as soon as somebody searches for that, you get your blog name, which then gives your Twitter handle and a photo with your hometown listed or Instagram. As you've posted multiple times on different platforms, it's easy for somebody to be 100% certain it's you from the information you've given - the chances are that they'll find you on here as well.

Once you've made certain your privacy is improved, you can get on with your life whilst letting off steam online - and if it's all been deleted, they won't be able to come back to you with further complaints.

By the way, if I'd been punched by somebody, I'd be more likely to call the police than engage in conversation. Cut your ties and you won't be in that situation again.

Massive family problem & It's tearing me up. Needing guidance

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free