Husband had an emotional affair and don’t know what to do

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 2:14PM

Hi, I’m new to this and don’t really know where to start.
6 months after my husband and I got married he confessed to downloading an app to talk to gay men about sexual things this was about two years before getting married. He assured me then that he wasn’t gay he was just curious. We both have gay friends and he said he just want to know.
This was around the time I was about to go through IVF I was contemplating not starting but I believed him so forgave him.

IVF worked first time and our baby is now 3 months old and he has now said he didn’t know who he was and thought he might be gay when downloading the app he even sent a photo of himself. He said he deleted the app after he sent the photo because it wasn’t for him.

We had already been together for 4 years when he did this so I’m so confused why he did this when I thought our relationship was great. He says he’s not gay but I don’t believe him I can’t even look at him without thinking if he has done anything with a guy.

He obviously wasn’t happy with me and then decided to stay with me as I know he is highly embarrassed of what he has done. There is a part of me that thinks he is gay and is not telling me the truth because his family would be extremely upset and not know how to take it if he came out

I am just wanting advise really or if someone has been in the same situation what they ended up doing.
I’m so heartbroken and just don’t know how to deal with this.

Thanks for reading and hopefully I can get some advise off people to help me through this.

spadoosh · 14 September 2018 at 2:20PM

Your timelines are a bit confusing.

Am i right in thinking your husband told you about this some 12+ months ago? If so how did you deal with it at the time?

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 2:28PM

Sorry, Yes he told me July last year that he downloaded the app he said he was just curious as we have gay friends so I believed him I told him he would have never gone behind my back and he promised he told me everything and would never lie again.

Things went back to normal until last night when he broke down and said he thought he might have been gay and that’s why he downloaded the app and sent a photo.
But I still don’t believe he’s telling me the whole story but he has promised yet again that he’s now told me everything.
I just can’t trust him but I still love him and we have a 3 month old daughter.

I just don’t know what to do, I’m terrified if I stay with him later on he will decide that he doesn’t want us and that he is in fact gay but then I’m terrified to leave.

-taff · 14 September 2018 at 2:33PM

It doesn't sound good for him to be breaking down about this a year later...
If he is or he isn't gay he's still messing you around with decisions that he's going to have to make sooner or later but messing you about in the meantime.
He didn't have an emotional affair going by what you've written, he sexually flirted with some gay men.
Decide wehther or not you can put up with this or if it's likely to come and bite you on the bum again....

Comms69 · 14 September 2018 at 2:38PM

vconfusedv4 wrote: »

Sorry, Yes he told me July last year that he downloaded the app he said he was just curious as we have gay friends so I believed him I told him he would have never gone behind my back and he promised he told me everything and would never lie again.

Things went back to normal until last night when he broke down and said he thought he might have been gay and that’s why he downloaded the app and sent a photo.
But I still don’t believe he’s telling me the whole story but he has promised yet again that he’s now told me everything.
I just can’t trust him but I still love him and we have a 3 month old daughter.

I just don’t know what to do, I’m terrified if I stay with him later on he will decide that he doesn’t want us and that he is in fact gay but then I’m terrified to leave.

This seems to be an issue of when rather than if. If you're terrified he'll leave, does it really matter if it's now or in 10 years time?

The alternative is the same result.

What about counselling?

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 3:34PM

He asked if we could go but if he can lie to me and break promises he could quite easily in counciling so I don’t know if it would jut be a waste of money?
I either need to leave or stay and potentially be miserable because I still love him but I jut don’t know what to do I’m devastated.

Comms69 · 14 September 2018 at 3:43PM

vconfusedv4 wrote: »

He asked if we could go but if he can lie to me and break promises he could quite easily in counciling so I don’t know if it would jut be a waste of money?
I either need to leave or stay and potentially be miserable because I still love him but I jut don’t know what to do I’m devastated.

It seems he's lying because he's afraid of:

a: hurting you
b: if he is gay, coming out is hard
c: there's your child to consider
d: he's embarrassed
e: you're judging him

I suspect, and don't take this the wrong way, that emotionally you are dictating what he says. It's a perfectly normal reaction and you shouldn't be alarmed by that, but identify it. Counselling helps because the space is created to be honest.

Recently I said: It's a shame as people, we are honest least, with those we loved most. And this is absolutely an example of that.

I will just add, your reason - a waste of money - is really not a very good one. Money comes and goes throughout your life. Every drink, every expensive meal, every consumable is a waste of money. Is your marriage in that category?

Counselling may not solve your marriage, and I suspect the real reason is that counselling might end it and that is what scares you. If it's destined to end, and some relationships are irreparable. Would it not be better to do so mutually, with respect and care for each other and your child.

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 4:00PM

Thanks, I will have a look into counciling, I just need to know the truth. Thanks for your help.

spadoosh · 14 September 2018 at 4:13PM

Comms69 wrote: »

It seems he's lying because he's afraid of:

a: hurting you
b: if he is gay, coming out is hard
c: there's your child to consider
d: he's embarrassed
e: you're judging him

I suspect, and don't take this the wrong way, that emotionally you are dictating what he says. It's a perfectly normal reaction and you shouldn't be alarmed by that, but identify it. Counselling helps because the space is created to be honest.

Recently I said: It's a shame as people, we are honest least, with those we loved most. And this is absolutely an example of that.

I will just add, your reason - a waste of money - is really not a very good one. Money comes and goes throughout your life. Every drink, every expensive meal, every consumable is a waste of money. Is your marriage in that category?

Counselling may not solve your marriage, and I suspect the real reason is that counselling might end it and that is what scares you. If it's destined to end, and some relationships are irreparable. Would it not be better to do so mutually, with respect and care for each other and your child.

What an amazing reply, a thanks didnt seem enough!

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 4:22PM

Thanks, I know it must be hard a but I told him last night he needs to think about what he wants first and needs to get his head around everything he said he doesn’t need to think about but hopefully counciling will help him.

vconfusedv4 · 14 September 2018 at 4:24PM

It was a great reply that’s why I said thanks what else am I meant to do?
I wrote this for advice and am getting great advice that I can think about and take on board.

Husband had an emotional affair and don’t know what to do

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