Developing Feelings in a Relationship

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  • Alikay wrote: »
    Perhaps she thinks you're a nice guy, and enjoys your company but there's insufficient chemistry as far as she's concerned for her to envisage falling in love.

    In my experience, if it's not there fairly early on, it's not likely to happen. I think it's possible for sparks to suddenly ignite with someone in your circle after a few years of social/workplace contact, but rarely happens if you continue to conduct a romantic relationship with them while waiting to see if it happens.

    Yes that's my thinking too which maybe why is for the best to end things.
  • Alikay
    Alikay Posts: 5,147
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    Yes that's my thinking too which maybe why is for the best to end things.

    That's what I'd do too. Don't settle for someone who already knows that they're not feeling it for you unless you want a friend rather than a partner. Plenty more pebbles on the beach, fish in the sea ....:)
  • unholyangel
    unholyangel Posts: 16,863
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    Its possible she's afraid of getting hurt and is holding herself back, because if you're not emotionally involved, it hurts less...right?

    The reason I'm suggesting this is due to the other thing you said - that she obviously does think she can develop feelings for you but you won't stick around long enough for that to happen.

    It sounds very much as if she wants to, but has fears and is asking for reassurance that you do really like her and she isn't making herself emotionally vulnerable just for you to trample over her. And she's communicating with you so I'd say thats a good sign - if she didn't care she wouldn't be trying to explain.

    Fwiw, I don't think feelings work to a timetable. Its not like you decide one day to love someone - it just happens and at some point later, you realise it.
    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
  • indiepanda
    indiepanda Posts: 994
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    I think all you can know in the first few weeks is whether you fancy someone and want to get to know them better.

    I know some people believe in "love at first sight" but I think its utter rubbish - only happens in the movies. To me love is knowing someone well, including the bad stuff, and still feeling strongly about them. Deep knowledge of someone and deep feelings for them don't develop in 3 weeks. Love at first sight is just infatuation, not the same thing at all. Sure, the odd few people might be lucky to have those feelings for someone who it turns out to be the right long term partner too, but plenty of us have been instantly attracted to people only to find out as we get closer they are far from our ideal partner.

    Perhaps she is a bit immature if she expects to fall in love so quickly - especially given when she has before it's gone very badly.

    I've had guys declare their love after knowing me for a matter of days and it made me feel very awkward as I didn't know what my feelings were then. In both cases it set a pattern for the relationship (one which ran for 9 months the more recent for two and half). They weren't really in love with me, they were in love with an idea of me they'd created in their mind and expected me to live up to, and in both cases were far too demanding with me and in how much time they expected to spend with me. I felt quite suffocated and had to get out in both cases. Now if someone declared love very quickly I would run for the hills. Or come to that I would think it was odd if they were worried they weren't in love with me after 3 weeks - they shouldn't be.

    Dating should be fun, not all this intense stressing about what it means so quickly.
  • Outsider_83
    Outsider_83 Posts: 166 Forumite
    There maybe something in what you've said, I've noticed we've got closer since, lots more kissing etc, although this of course doesn't mean anything in itself.
  • PeacefulWaters
    PeacefulWaters Posts: 8,495 Forumite
    There maybe something in what you've said, I've noticed we've got closer since, lots more kissing etc, although this of course doesn't mean anything in itself.

    I quite like the etc.
  • Outsider_83
    Outsider_83 Posts: 166 Forumite
    Family forum, I just wanted to include background for context.
  • indiepanda wrote: »
    I think all you can know in the first few weeks is whether you fancy someone and want to get to know them better.

    I know some people believe in "love at first sight" but I think its utter rubbish - only happens in the movies. To me love is knowing someone well, including the bad stuff, and still feeling strongly about them. Deep knowledge of someone and deep feelings for them don't develop in 3 weeks. Love at first sight is just infatuation, not the same thing at all. Sure, the odd few people might be lucky to have those feelings for someone who it turns out to be the right long term partner too, but plenty of us have been instantly attracted to people only to find out as we get closer they are far from our ideal partner.

    Perhaps she is a bit immature if she expects to fall in love so quickly - especially given when she has before it's gone very badly.

    I've had guys declare their love after knowing me for a matter of days and it made me feel very awkward as I didn't know what my feelings were then. In both cases it set a pattern for the relationship (one which ran for 9 months the more recent for two and half). They weren't really in love with me, they were in love with an idea of me they'd created in their mind and expected me to live up to, and in both cases were far too demanding with me and in how much time they expected to spend with me. I felt quite suffocated and had to get out in both cases. Now if someone declared love very quickly I would run for the hills. Or come to that I would think it was odd if they were worried they weren't in love with me after 3 weeks - they shouldn't be.

    Dating should be fun, not all this intense stressing about what it means so quickly.
    I think that this is very sensible advice. 3 weeks is nothing and whilst you might know that you don't like someone in that time (although you can stat not liking someone and change you view later) knowing that you love someone after such a short period is very unlikely.

    As indiepanda says, dating should be fun. Just go with the flow, try to do some fun things, be kind, reliable all those sorts of things that will show you are the type that will stick around and see how it goes. Hopefully you can then both relax a bit more about your relationship and you can see if stronger feelings develop over time.
  • Outsider_83
    Outsider_83 Posts: 166 Forumite
    Perhaps I'm being hasty, I took the conversation as a negative but she may have been looking reassurance.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367
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    I know some people believe in "love at first sight" but I think its utter rubbish - only happens in the movies
    Well....I met my OH online, exchange some emails, talked on the phone a few times, and then met after 2 or 3 weeks, and after two hours in his company, I went home, called my friend and told her I'd just met my future husband! We married 3 years later and have been happily married since!

    However, I do agree with you, it's not that meeting that person means you know instantly that they are perfect for you because you just don't know them long enough to know everything about them, but... I think some people can get a feeling already if there are things that they don't like that means they are unlikely to fall in love with them, even as they get to know them better.

    Before I met my OH, I went on dates with a few guys whose company I appreciated, but kind of new that things wouldn't developed further. It is rarely just about physical attraction because to me physical attraction is not just about the appearance of the person, but more how their body express their personality, but I've never managed to fall in love with a man who lacks some level of confidence, who is too laidback (ie. slow!), who lacks ambition and who doesn't have a sense of humour. Nothing wrong with them, it just kills the chemistry for me, and getting to know them further, even if it is to discover other qualities is not going to overcome these traits.
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