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  • FIRST POST
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 13th Oct 19, 4:29 PM
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    RebekahR
    Mother in law taking photos of inside my house
    • #1
    • 13th Oct 19, 4:29 PM
    Mother in law taking photos of inside my house 13th Oct 19 at 4:29 PM
    So this morning I heard and saw my mother-in-law taking photos downstairs. I was upstairs on the landing and could hear her. I asked who was flashing but she never said anything. So incase I was just making it all up I thought I would check her camera when I went down. Sure enough she had taken photos of all the messy places in my house. The side board with paperwork piled up, the messy kids toys, and the sofa with bedding on. Now seriously who goes into someone else's house and photos their paperwork, and indeed their private space??! I suspect as narcissistic as she is she will have great intentions of taking this home to show her friends and shame me. She detests that I don't keep a perfect house like she does. But seriously this is one step too far and I feel really violated! Or maybe I'm just being ott? ...
Page 3
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 13th Oct 19, 9:55 PM
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    RebekahR
    Sorry just an addition

    "I don't even go in the same room as her when she stays "

    that says to me that the relationship was completely broken long before the photos were taken. You don't like her, she doesn't like you ...or at least neither of you can live like the other does..

    But she does want to see her son and grandchildren...and you presumably want them to see her! So could you not just for the times she's there make some compromise?

    Stuff the paper work in a cupboard ( I do that when someone's coming) throw a duster round, ask the kids to tidy as a bit of a game because "it's nice to make things neat for granny" or some such, and tell your husband that he MUST help tidy up, and smooth things over when she stays :-) Don't leave her time to fixate on any mess, ask her to help make cakes with the kids, take her out for a walk as the children need some 'granny time' and would love to go to the swings with her...some thing to stop her poking around where you don't want her to :-)
    Originally posted by Purbeck
    I always hated her. I would clean and tidy the house for her arrival as you do ... She would turn up and clean it from top to bottom when it didn't need it! I can tell you the exact moment that I lost all respect for her. It was a gradual erosion over years but when I had our first baby and they visited the first time. She took the baby from me (4 weeks old) and took her to the kitchen. She was breastfed and on a growth spurt. She was annoyed the baby wanted to feed loads she returned and told us she had found a bottle teat in the cupboard and dipped it in the pot of sugar and gave it to the baby. She said when they had husband the baby was always given a bottle of sugared water before anything else and that my baby needed this sugar to stop her feeding so often. To say I went mad was an understatement. Even hubby was not pleased!!



    She usually does take them to the park to be fair to her. The weather has just been so damn awful this weekend we have all been cooped up. There is no way she would make cakes that would mean too much mess for her to tidy up. Never in a million years. I have wrote lists for her before actually but she might do some of it, say nope to the rest and then add in what she wants to do even when not asked. your right though I need hubby on board more but he just doesnt see it a problem. He says we are struggling and she is helping. I siad the help is ok its how she goes about it thats the issue. Doing stuff she isnt told, putting laundry away deliberately in places they dont go, tea towels in a childs drawer?! Dirty clothes in a clean drawer (S oit doesnt clutter the floor) - cuterly etc etc in any hole so it doesnt clutter the side. I say if you dont know where it goes leave it and ill do it later. But no it must be done and she says but you'll find it later .... thats not the point your making more work for me by having to undo everything thats in the wrong place ... She's never going to change unfortunately but they wont take hte b&b idea. Saying we'll all manage ... Sigh!
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 13th Oct 19, 10:07 PM
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    RebekahR
    Yes the OP is a long time poster and isn't trolling . <Hi Becca>
    I'd make sure I wasn't dependent on her for any help and arrange for hubby to take the kids to hers instead.
    We had a similar scenario with my Dad's much older sister (she was old enough to be my Mum's MIL ). It wasn't til. I was grown up I realised why although we saw her regularly it was less than once a year at our house. Dad was sent to visit her with us kids and Mum was usually "too busy" to go with us. When I was about 15 she forgot herself and critiqued my Mum in front of me (she was always critical of family behind their back but had the sense not to do it about Mum in front of me. ) when she realised I meant it when I said I wasn't having it (15 years old and no filter) she stopped and never did it again.
    And yes it's about time he grew a pair but if he hasn't done it yet he likely won't so be a bit creative.
    And it's not HIS house, it's joint marital property !!
    Originally posted by duchy
    Hi! Oh I hope my 7 year old turns out like you. I'm having to educate her already because over summer when MIL took them to the park she had a go at her. She asked if she likes a tidy house, who does the most housework, and told her how wrong it was to have such an untidy messy house. I don't mind she doesn't like it that's ok. But to bring a small child into it is totally wrong!
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 13th Oct 19, 10:13 PM
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    Marvel1
    That's her banned from the house!

    Over the top I know, but it seriously cheese me off.
    Last edited by Marvel1; 13-10-2019 at 10:22 PM.
    • duchy
    • By duchy 13th Oct 19, 10:46 PM
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    duchy
    Hi! Oh I hope my 7 year old turns out like you. I'm having to educate her already because over summer when MIL took them to the park she had a go at her. She asked if she likes a tidy house, who does the most housework, and told her how wrong it was to have such an untidy messy house. I don't mind she doesn't like it that's ok. But to bring a small child into it is totally wrong!
    Originally posted by RebekahR
    Even at 15 I told it like it is ....as you know nothing changed
    Seriously , bringing the kids into it I'd have gone ballistic !
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 14th Oct 19, 7:25 AM
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    Sea Shell
    Tell her due to the mess you've got an infestation of "something" to keep her away!!! (although it sounds like she'd then probably ring social services!!)

    Seriously, how have you managed not to completely lose your **** with her!!!! I bet your tongue must be bruised from all the biting!

    Without your hubby on board, to put his foot down with her, then I think you'll forever be on a hide into nothing on this one, sad as that is. Like you say, if she was actually being helpful and taking direction on how/what needed doing, her need to clean could be a good thing....free labour, but not if she's doing everything wrong.

    You could always try the "water pistol technique"....every time she does or says anything inappropriate...give her a squirt!!! It works on next doors cat!!!
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Oct 19, 7:40 AM
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    Pollycat
    It sounds like a 3 way toxic relationship.
    I'm sure it can't be good for the children.
    The only good thing is that the visits aren't that often.

    And NeilCr - it's getting crowded in your parallel universe...
    • Enterprise 1701C
    • By Enterprise 1701C 14th Oct 19, 8:03 AM
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    Enterprise 1701C
    I had the stepmother from hell'

    She came once when I had not tidied away the toys, she was disgusted. She was even more disgusted that we had not replaced the carpet because she was coming.

    To cut a long story short I ended up telling her to leave, never saw her or my father again.

    She had long since psychologically destroyed my father, we could not have a phone conversation without her insisting on an add on at the end. One time I was informed that I did not need to wear my glasses all the time (I do) and she knew because she was a medical professional (a dentist!!!) and another time I was informed I needed to lose 8 stone urgently (I was at that time 11 stone!!).

    So yes, I believe what the OP says, and I believe there has been a lot more going on.

    OP, it is your home as well as your husband's, it is up to you how you keep it. Personally I would get a CCTV or somesuch and put it in the lounge or whatever room she likes to interfere with, and keep a very close eye on her.
    What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare
    • coffeehound
    • By coffeehound 14th Oct 19, 8:29 AM
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    coffeehound
    Like her coming into our bedorom when she wants - oh yes she knocks - as shes opening the door ... Or bringing him coffee to wake him up in the morning. Oh yes that could been seen as sweet. But I don't want waking that early or to have her irritating voice the first thing I hear the second I wake up
    Originally posted by RebekahR
    Good grief Well that's the room to get the Yale lock fitted to, then!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Oct 19, 8:51 AM
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    Pollycat
    The trouble with these sort of threads is that we never get to hear both sides of the story!

    The OP presents / spins one set of "facts", presumably in the hope that lots of people will make sympathetic comments.....
    Originally posted by Undervalued
    I wonder what a thread from the MIL's perspective would read like...
    • Undervalued
    • By Undervalued 14th Oct 19, 9:18 AM
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    Undervalued
    I wonder what a thread from the MIL's perspective would read like...
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Quite!

    The OP clearly only wants sympathetic responses. Maybe she fully deserves them? Maybe she doesn't? We will never know!
    Last edited by Undervalued; 14-10-2019 at 10:35 AM.
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 14th Oct 19, 9:24 AM
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    RebekahR
    I had the stepmother from hell'

    She came once when I had not tidied away the toys, she was disgusted. She was even more disgusted that we had not replaced the carpet because she was coming.

    To cut a long story short I ended up telling her to leave, never saw her or my father again.

    She had long since psychologically destroyed my father, we could not have a phone conversation without her insisting on an add on at the end. One time I was informed that I did not need to wear my glasses all the time (I do) and she knew because she was a medical professional (a dentist!!!) and another time I was informed I needed to lose 8 stone urgently (I was at that time 11 stone!!).

    So yes, I believe what the OP says, and I believe there has been a lot more going on.

    OP, it is your home as well as your husband's, it is up to you how you keep it. Personally I would get a CCTV or somesuch and put it in the lounge or whatever room she likes to interfere with, and keep a very close eye on her.
    Originally posted by Enterprise 1701C

    Replace the carpet!! omg! LOL You win on that one!Good idea on the cctv/webcam type set up. I know I wish I was making all this tosh up for a story. I could then just relax and enjoy the fun (having fun with debitas thread on this board style anyone?!). But alas no it really is real life and toxic yes! Thankfully she goes home tomorrow.
    • bouicca21
    • By bouicca21 14th Oct 19, 9:29 AM
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    bouicca21
    None of us can know whether OP is normal messy or lives in a pig sty. Whether the children are riotous and undisciplined or just normal lively ones. If MiL has pics of normal messy then showing them to her friends will just make them laugh at her.

    I wonder it a bit of team work could work? ‘ hi, MiL, today we are going to clear the ironing pile. You iron, I’ll put it away.’ Make sure it is a really big pile ... Maybe similar with washing up and washing the toys.
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 14th Oct 19, 9:31 AM
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    RebekahR
    None of us can know whether OP is normal messy or lives in a pig sty. Whether the children are riotous and undisciplined or just normal lively ones. If MiL has pics of normal messy then showing them to her friends will just make them laugh at her.

    I wonder it a bit of team work could work? ‘ hi, MiL, today we are going to clear the ironing pile. You iron, I’ll put it away.’ Make sure it is a really big pile ... Maybe similar with washing up and washing the toys.
    Originally posted by bouicca21

    Happy to put the photos up for all to see ...
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 14th Oct 19, 9:36 AM
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    RebekahR
    https://ibb.co/QXkbTjk


    https://ibb.co/QpDCcCK


    https://ibb.co/DQwpdhD
    • coffeehound
    • By coffeehound 14th Oct 19, 9:49 AM
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    coffeehound
    RR, nosy question: is your other half an only child?
    • RebekahR
    • By RebekahR 14th Oct 19, 9:54 AM
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    RebekahR
    RR, nosy question: is your other half an only child?
    Originally posted by coffeehound

    Yes he is :-) Stands to reason shes his whole life. Especially now dad isn't here. I can understand it to a degree wanting to do everything for him. And not being able to let go. I will find it hard when its my time for sure!
    • Kitty_jc
    • By Kitty_jc 14th Oct 19, 10:00 AM
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    Kitty_jc
    If she’s constantly criticising and telling off *your* children, she shouldn’t be made welcome. It’s your home and you, and your children, should feel safe there.
    • coffeehound
    • By coffeehound 14th Oct 19, 10:21 AM
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    coffeehound
    Yes he is :-) Stands to reason shes his whole life. Especially now dad isn't here. I can understand it to a degree wanting to do everything for him. And not being able to let go. I will find it hard when its my time for sure!
    Originally posted by RebekahR
    Sort of explains the invasion of privacy and trying to still be the 'primary care giver' and seeking to make you look bad. Doesn't make it right or acceptable, though!
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 14th Oct 19, 10:38 AM
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    rach_k
    Looks like a house with kids to me!
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 14th Oct 19, 11:26 AM
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    Sea Shell
    Is that usual for you, or did she catch you on a bad day?

    It looks like you just have no storage, so everything is "out", is your house a bit small for you?

    Do you have a system for dealing with important paperwork, as all that paperwork does seem a bit disorganised?

    I can see how if you MiL is a neat-freak, seeing all that "stuff" could set off her OCD tendancies, but that's no excuse for doing what she does.

    Its your stuff, your house, your life. If you choose the "organised chaos" look, that's entirely your choice.

    Main thing I'd ask is, are YOU happy with your "mess", or do you actually want to get on top of everything? If so, I'm sure you'll get lots of tips here on de-cluttering, if that's what you want.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
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