Considering separation from Disabled partner

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Comments

  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,571 Forumite
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    rach_k wrote: »
    Don't send her all that. Stick to the fact that you are leaving and why, say that you want to see her happy and continue to support her and the children and that you wouldn't dream of separating her from them but that you hope you can work out something you're all happy with, once you've both had time to adjust to the idea of separation. Including all the practical stuff in the first letter makes it seem very cold and calculated, but I don't think that's what you are, so leave it out and just let her know that you will work it out later.

    I agree. I had very similar thoughts when I read the letter. It may be the case that he's finding the caring wearing but there's no need to add further hurt to a hurtful situation by unloading it on her.

    I can see why he needs to keep his job. He's going to have massive financial commitments for many years to come. Part time / child friendly wouldn't cover that.

    As for the suggestion that he should care for the children. Surely to take the boys as well would be devastating for OP's wife and a very cruel solution.

    I'm sure OP has thought long and hard about this decision. Carrying on feeling this way would result in increasing bitterness and resentment and a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

    I think those posters suggesting OP should just pretend that all is well and soldier on are, although compassionate, being idealistic. It's not an ideal world. Stuff happens. :(
  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,171 Forumite
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    pinkshoes wrote: »
    Wow. What a first class a-hole you come across as.

    Why not just write:

    Your disability is making my life tedious so I am leaving you to try and have a chance at meeting someone normal. Hopefully the kids will look after you.

    Is this post for real??

    Lets not forget, "the wedding vows were a joke i didn't mean them".
  • chesky
    chesky Posts: 1,341 Forumite
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    Why is the carer leaving?
  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,734 Forumite
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    Well lets just hope he isn't (wasn't) working for Monarch or Ryanair being investigated by HMRC!
  • Red-Squirrel_2
    Red-Squirrel_2 Posts: 4,341 Forumite
    maman wrote: »
    As for the suggestion that he should care for the children. Surely to take the boys as well would be devastating for OP's wife and a very cruel solution.

    The children are 4 and 5, and he thinks its appropriate to leave them in the sole care of a woman who can't feed herself or stand unaided.

    As much as I'm sure she loves them, it sounds like she can't physically care for them safely on her own. He seems to expect that some magical carer can move in who will look after the whole family 24/7, but I'm pretty sure Mary Poppins is fictional.
  • Poor_Single_lady
    Poor_Single_lady Posts: 1,527 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post
    This is a Strange letter. It's like "I'm leaving you and I'm taking legal advice about how to get all my money out of he house, but don't be concerned because I'll always come round and fix the broadband"
    And how generous I am not taking any furniture or cats because I am such a wonderful man. I'm leaving you, but please can you note that I am doing it in a really great manner so no hard feelings yeah.

    Find a kinder way. And don't Push the point of your generosity while you are leaving. Think about it from her point of view and not yours- it's just possible that it's not top priority whether or not you met somebody else, but don't write your letter as though you are husband of the year for having no interest in meeting somebody else.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
  • sulphate
    sulphate Posts: 1,235 Forumite
    This is unreal. You are leaving your disabled wife and 2 young children because you “can’t cope” with her disability. How do you expect them to cope when you leave? How unbelievably selfish.
  • KxMx
    KxMx Posts: 10,597 Forumite
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    You took a marriage vow, in sickness and in health.

    You had 2 children despite your wife's health situation.

    You need to man up and take some responsibility for the situation.

    Act not in the best interests of yourself but of your children.

    If you truly feel the marriage is over, then fine, but do not abandon your children as well as your wife.
  • ceegee
    ceegee Posts: 856 Forumite
    If you intend seeking professional advice re the splitting of the property, do you not think that any solicitor will raise the matter of the appropriate care of your poor children? Also, if they are at school mightn't the school raise questions about their care?

    Poor children. Poor wife. Yes, it's a very sad situation, but you come across as if you think that by doing this, that or the other then everything will be alright, when that isn't the case. It also seems to me that you are using your flying career and the, presumably, high salary that comes with it as a cop-out. If you really intend leaving, then perhaps you ought to see a solicitor who specialises in family business, as it isn't going to be as easy as you seem to think it will be from a practical point of view. That's even before the emotional trauma that will beset everyone involved.
    :snow_grin"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow........":snow_grin
  • trailingspouse
    trailingspouse Posts: 4,035 Forumite
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    This letter reads to me like it's written by someone who has thought long and hard about what they are thinking about doing.

    OP - you've worked out all of the details, and you have a good line in self-justification.

    Your wife will not read past the 'I'm leaving' - don't burden her with the detail, it's bad enough (for all of you) that you feel you need to go. She has little enough control over her life now - and you have everything organised even after you've left.

    There is never a good time to leave a marriage. You would lose a lot of friends even if your wife was in the spit of health. And lots of marriages break up because one of the partners, or one of the children, has a life limiting condition. It's hard, and you're going through hell. And I think you are coping with it all by trying to be organised, getting things sorted, doing what you can.

    When you tell her it's over, please do it face-to-face. And please be willing to go for counselling before you make any final decisions. Tell her you're struggling, be honest with her (and allow her to be honest with you), and ask for help from professionals. You may still decide to leave, but at least you'll both know that you tried.

    One final thought (and my apologies, but it's something you need to think about) - how will you feel when the inevitable happens?
    No longer a spouse, or trailing, but MSE won't allow me to change my username...
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