Mooloo's Joining up the dots in 2017

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  • determined_new_ms
    determined_new_ms Posts: 7,825
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    edited 28 January 2017 at 2:36PM
    Hi Mooloo just (semi) caught up with your thread and I wanted to say for years I felt crippling guilt at how my children's lives were. We had terribly traumatic times with my daughter from the age of 12 and she was diagnosed with a personality disorder at 21. My ds was coping ok but was run over at 15, ending a talented passion for basket ball and was picked to be in the regional team. At this point he went off of the rails also. He got in with the wrong crowd, was angry and fighting a lot, started getting into trouble with the police and went to prison at 18. 2 1/2 years ago we took custody of our dgd.

    My kids often triggered the guilt I felt that had I been a better parent they wouldn't have faced the difficulties they did. I was also a single parent and their father was absent.

    Last year after a particularly difficult period I entered into therapy and had edmr. I decided to get over it. I wasn't a bad mother, young with little support or finances and things were difficult often. My own mental suffered under the strain and that is a sadness for us all. I stopped buying into the guilt and told myself whatever my wrongs I had more than paid for them. I called my kids out whenever they tried to guilt trip me, and said no it was bs I wasn't buying it and I was no longer responsible for their actions.

    Fast forward 1 year and the picture for them and me couldn't be more different. My ds is doing well, living with his girlfriend, working hard, an adult. My dd things have improved for. Both tell me how much they love me, that I was a good mum to them and show me they love and appreciate me.

    I really believe the turning point was me saying no more. I never give my dd money anymore, she now no longer asks. And in fact gives me maintenance for dgd now.

    Stand up yourself and say no, enough is enough and if it isn't true what they are saying them tell them! x
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Womblng 2020:
    NSD Jan 2/18 YTD: 2
  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,574
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    Hi Mooloo just (semi) caught up with your thread and I wanted to say for years I felt crippling guilt at how my children's lives were. We had terribly traumatic times with my daughter from the age of 12 and she was diagnosed with a personality disorder at 21. My ds was coping ok but was run over at 15, ending a talented passion for basket ball and was picked to be in the regional team. At this point he went off of the rails also. He got in with the wrong crowd, was angry and fighting a lot, started getting into trouble with the police and went to prison at 18. 2 1/2 years ago we took custody of our dgd.

    My kids often triggered the guilt I felt that had I been a better parent they wouldn't have faced the difficulties they did. I was also a single parent and their father was absent.



    Last year after a particularly difficult period I entered into therapy and had edmr. I decided to get over it. I wasn't a bad mother, young with little support or finances and things were difficult often. My own mental suffered under the strain and that is a sadness for us all. I stopped buying into the guilt and told myself whatever my wrongs I had more than paid for them. I called my kids out whenever they tried to guilt trip me, and said no it was bs I wasn't buying it and I was no longer responsible for their actions.

    Fast forward 1 year and the picture for them and me couldn't be more different. My ds is doing well, living with his girlfriend, working hard, an adult. My dd things have improved for. Both tell me how much they love me, that I was a good mum to them and show me they love and appreciate me.

    I really believe the turning point was me saying no more. I never give my dd money anymore, she now no longer asks. And in fact gives me maintenance for dgd now.

    Stand up yourself and say no, enough is enough and if it isn't true what they are saying them tell them! x
    Thankyou for sharing this with me, well all of us. I am going to try really hard to keep saying no and rebuild for dgd.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • dktreesea
    dktreesea Posts: 5,736 Forumite
    Mooloo wrote: »
    I would not park her again any time soon no matter what BF might want. I listened and then I just told him that it's not going to happen. I have also told him that if he doesn't go on holidays occasionally with dgd and myself she will think that he doesn't want her, which is exactly the opposite of the plan to be together. Dgd is non negotiable really. While I was sifting through my hundreds of emails I came accords a few summer holidays suggested with us all and sent him the info, and we also talked about his Daughter and DGD, and the fact that she wants a holiday too and we both know as a single Mum she's not likely to do it on her own, so I suggested that we looked at the possibility of all of us going somewhere and sharing the load, and that I know it would be cheaper in school time and they don't have to worry about that but I do so we will see.
    I have found that the best thing to do is tell him something and then leave it for him to think about.
    Eventually he tends to come back with what ever it is sometimes with the idea that it was his idea! I just let it go!
    It is still a little strange with him coming here on different days now, and thinking about dinner etc as he comes from work. I have also noticed that I really am not very Mrs Domesticated and do tend to flop down in my chair as soon as dinner is done. He hasn't said anything about it it is just me personally feeling rather inadequate. I am not Superwoman and I want to be!!
    I know that I keep saying that I am going to declutter and that I want to sort it out but we are at the end of January and I have not even started.
    On another note My Mum has paid me for her holiday and given me half of the Wedding Dress costs as her contribution to the Wedding. So I will be able to clear the card the holiday was on, and put the dress money back into my savings account. I am very lucky that she is able to help me, and still have plenty to save etc and spend as she wishes.

    Time for work. I have about 12 jobs to do today.


    Do you ever feel like everyone around you is vying for your attention and energy and they get peeved if it isn't on tap when they feel like having a sup? I realise you are energetic and like to run around and have a lot of things going on, but maybe trying to be there for everyone, especially if they want exclusivity, is a strain too far?


    I get that BF has had to "buy into" the reality of your situation in order to get back together with you, but it does sound to me like he is saying to you "Why do we have to take your DGD when we go away? How would you like it if every time we went away I wanted to bring my DD and her child along as well?"


    I wonder if his daughter would want to go anyway? She may possibly be thinking she would end up baby sitting for her own child and DGD while Dad and you went off and did your own thing.


    If your BF wants to go away just with you and without DGD, then there are windows of opportunity, aren't there, when DGD goes down to stay with her Mum? Too expensive? Does he want a holiday just with you or not?
  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,574
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    Having cake and eat it. I suppose you mean.
    I suppose time will tell. I am currently in Oxford, BF is babysitting his dgd. His daughter has gone back to work and the baby's Dad isn't available. I did gently ask if it was going to be part of our Sundays going forward but he reckons not.
    I noticed the information for his work colleagues apartment in Spain was on the side. We went there a few years ago, so I asked if he was thinking of going there, but I didn't get a straight answer. He had just dug the information out.
    So he might be thinking of going there with his family rather then us. I don't mind where or when or who with really as I have my holidays booked with Dgd and one with Mum, so if we have a holiday it's a bonus. He has been told that I can only do an "us only " when dgd is on school holiday with her Mum. And that's non negotiable.
    Today I am more worried about my knee then anything else, I must have done something the other night as when I got to work yesterday it was painful and going upstairs was excruciating!
    I have been rubbing in Aloe heat lotion like it was going out of fashion. BF is moaning about shoulder pain so I've used it on him as well. What a pair we are today, showing our age.
    I am off to try learning a bit more about Hootsuite. I need to reach out further than my small band of followers on twitter etc
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,574
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    Morning, I didn't get very far with Hootsuite as I couldn't seem to sink my Facebook account with it. I was trying to use my iPhone. I then went on the laptop to do the Wages, and it was so slow, and then update ms started and I couldn't do anything but wait and wait. I had to force shutdown after an hour of it telling me it was restarting.
    I gave up trying to do anything on it after that as it was gone 9pm.
    I am hoping to get a better day, week than last week, takings were less than £340! I have had to take £300 out of the business savings account to pay the rent, wages, and HMRC, I still owe the accountant and the habadashery company, so I need another good week nearer target! Here is hoping that my efforts on Facebook will have been seen and we get more through the door spending.
    I have lotioned up the knee, the finger and the small of my back with the heat lotion and having my cup of tea.
    I am still in Oxford so I will have to wake dgd in a few minutes and get her dressed and ready for school. I aim to leave here by 7.30 at the latest to get to school (via home to make lunches).
    I will need to take the car on to work as my knee won't like walking.

    On a positive note the weekend went fine with BF, and DGD liked the baby.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,574
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    The town seems to have gone really quiet. I have noticed that the parking opposite the shop has had more empty spaces then usual and footfall has dropped. I hope that it is not a reflection on the town hall renovation as that is due to last 18 months. the drop in my business has been 50% already since they started.
    I am not feeling very optimistic about this week. I have about £150 worth of work to do which will be done today, most probably except perhaps if I am waiting for a zip.
    Two of the children didn't come on Saturday for the lessons and so that put a dent in the funds. One was sick but the other just didn't turn up. I have messaged the mum and told her that infuture she will still have to pay for the lesson unless I get at least 72 hours notice as I can't fill the place, and this time I had turned someone else away as I was full.
    I am getting enquiries still which is good, but I need to turn them into paying customers.
    I had to use £400 from savings in the end to pay my bills and if I don't get cash transactions today I will have to dig further into the reserve to make sure I can cover my DDs. What a difference a week makes and it shows me that the cash flow is precarious at best.
    On the home front the travel agency has emailed to say that the hotel Mum and I booked is no longer available and they have offered an alternative, which is in the middle of the golf courses and not the marina we wanted. Some 3.5km away. I would need to hire a car to go anywhere now. I am emailing asking questions and I have emailed the hotel chain too to see why when we have booked 11 months in advance as well.
    Biggest has asked me to babysit next Wednesday morning while she sees the pain clinic over her back problems so Mum and I will have to just stay local that day, but I was planning on visiting Biggest anyway, first, it will just be a bit longer as the appointment is mid morning.
    BF has chosen to go back to Spain in the summer and stay at his friends apartment that we went to 2015, and he has included DGD and Me, in August. So I am glad that he has made the choice. It will be a bucket and spade, self catering holiday which works out well for us.
    I am really pleased that he is making changes for us.
    Look at the time I better get my shower.
    I am hoping that the shop gets busy again today x
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • Slinky
    Slinky Posts: 9,910
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    Have you tried advertising in your local magazine Mooloo?
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  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,574
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    Slinky wrote: »
    Have you tried advertising in your local magazine Mooloo?

    I did the first year but when asked customers where they had heard of me not one said from the town guide, and it had cost me £216.
    I also advertised in the secondary school Callander but again non came my way so I have not paid for an advert. I am thinking about the local Focus magazine but it's a bit of a chicken and egg problem as I don't currently have enough cash to pay for the advert, and when business is busy in the summer months I don't need to advertise!
    I will have to investigate the costs etc and be prepared for it eventually but as the business doesn't have an overdraft I am watching the pennies at the moment.
    I am trying to boost the online where I can.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • ivyleaf
    ivyleaf Posts: 6,431
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    Mooloo so sorry to hear about the change of hotel! Perhaps the one you booked is planning a refurbishment at that time?

    About the sewing lessons, have you considered asking for full payment when people book? After all, if someone has lessons at a local adult education place they are expected to pay the full amount when they sign up for the course :)
    If they have paid they are much more likely to take the trouble to turn up (or to nag their child to). And if they still don't, at least you haven't lost anything.
  • *Robin*
    *Robin* Posts: 3,364
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    ivyleaf wrote: »
    About the sewing lessons, have you considered asking for full payment when people book? After all, if someone has lessons at a local adult education place they are expected to pay the full amount when they sign up for the course :)
    If they have paid they are much more likely to take the trouble to turn up (or to nag their child to). And if they still don't, at least you haven't lost anything.

    ..Just what I was thinking.
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