Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 2..

Afternoon,

Things haven't been great here unfortunately and I've had far too many breakdowns over the past two/three weeks that it's time I admit defeat. Work kept me busy for a short while but it is no longer benefitting me and I've kept it all together until this week where I've had three breakdowns on shift and it's not doing me any good. I have ummed and ahhed for a while and have decided I need to take a break from it all and focus on myself. I have asked for a two week sick note from my doctors and will drop that into work later on and do an occupational health referral with one of the seniors and get the ball rolling for when I return. I just need this time to find me. I'm lost and I dont know which direction to take. I need to find my inner strength again and fight for it all, I've far too much to lose.

I've worked so hard to make everything right that I don't want it to go anymore wrong then it already is doing. My manager at work is currently off but returns tomorrow. I'm going to write her a letter explaining everything and hoping she understands this is what I need to do to get myself better.

I need something to focus on. I've cut all contact from people in my life for now apart from those closest to me as I feel I just need that break. It's sad to close some chapters of my life but now the important thing is me and the boy.

I really don't know where to go from here, I'm kind of stuck in a black hole that I so desperately want to get out of.

I'm off to Dublin on Monday so that will take my mind off things and then I'll be in London for the first of my sisters hen dos.

Anyway I've not much else to update apart from I'll be off to get some euros today for Dublin.

Morning, so I've been aligning all my bank accounts so they correlate with this months spends.

I've paid off the balance of our Cruise for September and any additional money I owed to my mum so I'm straight on that aspect. I've also decided to put aside a lump amount of savings for our holiday fund as we shall soon be looking at activities/excursions we may decide to do once there. This will also include any spends for holiday clothes but we shouldn't need much. I just need to find the spending money for our trip to Cornwall which is the end of August, I owe the boy's grandparents £300 towards the cost of the accomodation and I'll then need spends.

I went and bought £300 worth of euros yesterday for our trip to Dublin which has come round quick. I doubt I'll spend it all but I'd rather have the extra just in case. And then any left over can go towards future holidays.

My friend dragged me out yesterday and we nipped into town with her daughter shopping. I've been guilty of buying myself some new makeup however it's been a while since I last treated myself. It made me feel a bit better. I actually got myself ready, did my hair and makeup to make myself look fine. On the outside I look okay, it's the inside that's crippling me. I also went for a meal with the boy, his dad and girlfriend. We all get along really well.

I got the sick note from the doctor's which has excused me for two weeks off work. I'm hoping not to have any longer then this. I went into work and dropped it off and also completed an occupational health referral and left a note to my manager to explain things. I saw a few people I work with who came and hugged me but I just broke down crying. It's just not me to be like that.

It's the first of my sister's hen do next week which is in London so I'm hoping to keep costs to a minimum. I've ordered a railcard which should hopefully come this week so that will save us some money there. I've decided I'm not drinking whilst there as the prices will be extortionate and I can have fun without drinking. The following weekend will be glamping in Wales. I need to collect all the money for this as I was the one who put it on my credit card and it will be due this month. I think temporarily I'll have to increase the budget when putting money aside towards my sister's wedding. The initial amount just isn't covering the costs as there has been plenty of unexpected expenses and with the additional hen do, it's obviously upped the cost more. I feel obliged to attend all, what with being a bridesmaid. I still have to sort out shoes and other things and find out the costs for hair/makeup.

Today we are off to Ingleton falls with the boy and my friend which should be good. We've never been before and we are taking a picnic with us. It will be the first time I'll wear my walking boots . It will be nice just to be in the countryside and away from home. I've downloaded a geocaching app which we may find a few today if we look hard enough.

I'm just trying to stay positive and set myself some goals to work towards. I'll post them in a seperate post once I've figured out what I want to do. I need something to focus on and I think I'm going to relook at my budgets for the months and swap things around. I obviously have been using the method of having multiple bank accounts for different purposes which I transfer money across to each month but I may tweak these expenses a little.

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with my mum and go through all her finances and see where we can save money as I know she's worried about it just lately. The first thing I'll tackle is the utility bills i.e. gas/electric as she's paying way over the odds for this and is on a expensive tarriff. I need to convince her to swap so that will be a start. I'll then look into whether she can claim back some ppi.

That's pretty much it really. I'm going to make the effort to journal more even if it's just my thoughts and feelings and I'll try post three things in grateful for each day.

Morning,

What a week it's been! I've not long come back from Dublin and the weather was amazing!

We did quite a lot whilst there.. we went to Dublin Zoo, the Guinness factory, Ha' Penny Bridge, a boat tour, Phoenix park and to Kilmainham Gaol. We also ventured into the Temple bar area which was rather expensive, !!!8364;15.60 for two drinks, ouch. Whilst there we bought food for breakfast and just grabbed a sandwich for lunch so saved money there but each night we went out for a meal. We went to a Greek, a Texas American and Indian restaurant and all were lovely and worth the money. I've returned home with !!!8364;100 which I'll just stash away for next years adventures so all in all, we did it on a good budget and had a fantastic time. I also bought myself some jewellery which I saw that I felt had a close meaning to me.. the tree of life! I'm taking it as the start of a fresh new journey where I shall have the strength to grow into a beautiful unique person.

I've got the London hen do this weekend so I've just gone out and bought a cabin bag sized rucksack to take with me which only cost £10 and was recommended my a friend. She fit loads into hers! The plan is to make cocktails before we go out so I'll buy some alcohol from the shops there and then we are venturing into London to go for a meal in a Japanese restaurant, go to an escape room type of activity then onto a few bars/clubs. I will only be drinking alcohol during the pre drinks session as I refuse to pay the prices for alcoholic drinks in London, I'll be happy to stick with juice/water. I need to keep the costs down as low as possible.

All the things are slowly coming together for the Wales glamping trip next weekend for the second hen do. There are just a few final touches but everyone seems to have finally paid for the accommodation so that's one thing out the way.

I'm at a really funny point in my life at the moment. I'm going through periods of mania then depression and it's all happening so quickly. I don't have a review with my consultant for another week so it's hard at the moment and I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I just need to keep myself busy as much as possible whilst also finding the time to relax. Today I'm going for a walk and meeting a friend for ice cream as the weather is so nice. The exercise will do me good.

I really need to get back into my gym routine as I haven't been for a few weeks and I can really tell the difference it's made. I need to get back into a routine with all aspects of my life. That's the next goal to work towards, building routine and structure into my life so it creates a more stable environment. My shifts at work have been all over the place and hasn't been helping with my moods so when I go to occupational health I'm going to ask them to recommend set shifts where possible. It's what I need. I don't know how long I'm going to be off but I need to take this time to really figure myself out.

I'm about to sort out all my banking for next months budget. I need to pay for the boy's childcare and ensure all that is up to date. I've received some extra money this month so that will help towards things and lessen the burden a bit with all the additional expenses.

That's pretty much it really.

So I've decided to jig the budget around a bit as these two hen dos are going to cost me more then I hoped for. Unfortunately I have to go to both as I'm a bridemaid. So the first one is London and I've updated the budget and transferred the expected budget into separate account. The second I will sort out later in the week, I'm having to find the additional funds from somewhere so I'm possibly going to tweak my savings.

London Hen Do Budget

Travel:!£100.00
Food:!£100.00
Activity:!£25.00
Drinks:!£50.00
Oyster:!£25.00

Total:!£300.00

Jesus Christ.

Morning!

The weekend is finally over and we travelled back last night from the first of the hen dos in London. I had a really good time and it was nice to see my sister enjoying herself. We went to a Japanese place for food then onto an escape room activity before heading off to a nightclub. I tried to keep costs to a minimum and within budget and it worked! I'll post that in a separate post to this. Now it's only this upcoming weekend where we go glamping to Wales which I need to budget for and will also post that in a separate budget. The only other additional cost was for two outfits for my sister which I didn't expect at first but we've split it three ways. I'm waiting for some final figures from my sisters friend regarding costs of other hen do related activities. My credit card has been used quite a bit to purchase items and I obviously need to claim the money back for this in order for me to pay it. Everything has been adding up but it is worth it to see the enjoyment on my sisters face

My moods have been variable and I've been quite agitated/depressed at times but I've tried my best to remain upbeat but it's so hard sometimes to put on a brave face. I find that more exhausting then the moods to be honest.

I've yet to receive an appointment from occupational health regarding work so I'll be giving them a call today to find out what's happening. I need this before I plan a return to work as there are numerous things I need to talk about and access. The main one is my shift pattern. I need structure and routine and I hadn't been getting that. My shifts were all over the place and I didn't know where I stood with everything so along with this it was hard to get the home life/work life balance. I need continuity and I'm hoping my manager understands this and will work alongside me. It's such an important aspect of my mood disorder that it needs to be addressed. I never wanted to go off sick but everything built up and I just wasn't coping. I need to get myself right before considering going back. I should hopefully be getting full pay whilst off and I hope to have no longer then a month off if we manage to sort everything out before then.

A few of my friends have reached out to me and offered their support. I've asked others to respect my privacy and allow me to go through this in my own space and time. I don't need constant grilling or questions asked because it just makes me close up even more. I've shut down some social media to make things easier and I've found I'm not missing it too much. It was just another avenue where people could contact me. I've arranged to meet up with one work friend on Wednesday whom I trust and she understands me and has been so lovely. My other trusted work friend goes away soon. There was an event planned to celebrate her 50th birthday but I'm unable to go due to being off sick. If I attended then questions would be asked and I'd get the whole "Oh if she's able to come to this, she should be able to work". I don't want that judgement so I've politely bowed out and will do something separate with said friend. She's like a best friend to me and I need to buy her a present which I'll do later on this week.

I've been doing a little shopping over the weekend and managed to bag myself a few bargains. I have wanted a raincoat in the colour red for a while and I managed to find one with 50% off so it only cost £16 which was a bargain. I then purchased a pair of sandles which had £10 off so only cost me £42. They're a well known brand for being durable and are proper leather so I feel it was worth the investment and it's one less thing to buy for my holiday.

I've been playing around with car insurance quotes and these aren't actually due until September but I've been trying to get a rough estimate for costs and budget. I've a savings account which I transfer money across to each month and I've set a rough budget. I'll be looking at ways to reduce costs closer to the time and I have downloaded an app that if I get a good score it can decrease my premium by up to 28% so I'm going to pursue this and see how much it can save me. We should also receive discount due to having other policies with the insurance company. We tend to stick with the same one as it always works out cheaper then others and against comparison sites.

I've updated all my online banking and have been writing out budgets/costs/expenses for everything just lately and keeping an eye on my spends. These next few months will be the speediest of all!

The boy's birthday is in August and he decided he wanted a sleepover with a few of his friends. I've been thinking a lot about it and what to do and I've come up with a great plan. I'm going to make it festival/camping themed. I'm going to purchase a tent and set that up in the garden and I'll do them a small bbq and allow them to roast marshmallows in the evening and make it as chilled out as possible. I'll probably let them watch a movie and eat popcorn too and possibly take them out for the day the next day. I'm going to find out whom he wants to invite and I'll then make invitations myself and decorations. I can make a bunting to go up in the garden. I'm quite crafty when it comes to things like this. I think the boy will love the idea and hopefully I'll get brownie points for this. I really want to make it special.

After the purchase of the tent we can use this to go camping in the future. My friend has stated she's up for this and we plan to practice putting it up as we are both clueless but surely between us we should be able to . My car is big enough to hold all equipment and when it comes to buying other things I'll look out for the best deals possible and ask my family/friends for advice regarding what we will need.

This said friend has been amazing with me and she understands what I've been going through and is a great support. She was the one I went to Dublin with and we are alike in so many ways and both like to budget/manage our money effectively and look for deals/best ways to save on things. We've been in each others lives for 15 years and it's the type of friendship where sometimes you don't speak for a while but you always pick up where left off. I'm so grateful for her in my life.

I may not have a high quantity of friends but the quality of the ones in my life who are closest to me are what matters. I have many aquaintances who are just as important but for now I need a break from them whilst I get myself better.

A few people from work have text me checking up on me and I've politely replied and told them I just need to sort myself out before I can even think about going back. They just want the usual me back who is bubbly, fun and outgoing but for now I'm not feeling those moods. I need to formulate a plan for myself on how I'm going to get myself back to 100% but I can do that later.

For now I'm going to sit in the garden and chill for a little bit. I've no plans for today and have just made a to do list of things I need to do. It's pretty long I'll prioritise each task based on the importance. I've been writing down all sorts of ideas and making lists as it makes me feel in control.

I've also paid upfront for the boy's childcare costs for the next month and have quite a bit leftover in the funds/saving pot for childcare. I'm going to keep allowing this to build up as the plan over the summer is for him to go to a holiday camp on the days I'm working if I can't arrange childcare elsewhere.

I need to pay Louis grandparents for the trip to Cornwall and set a budget for that. We will be doing many activities and dining out in the evenings so this along with our upcoming cruise will be very expensive. I'll be glad once it's all over then I can focus on our trip for next year. Me and my friend have also discussed about possibly going to New York at the end of next year to celebrate her graduating from her university course. This is yet another thing we will do on a budget and will be doing lots of sightseeing, not shopping!

So I've alot to plan up and save for!

My friend has a revolut card and has used it when we went to Dublin and I've thought about getting one to use for budgeting purposes, i.e. for the entertainment budget. However I already have a separate account for this which I manage well so I dont think I'll bother.

I'm hoping to challenge myself and rack up quite a few NSDs this month in order to save as much as possible to go towards everything that's upcoming and will do for the following months.

In October my budget will change slightly and be tweaked. Some things I will no longer need to budget for so I can put the costs elsewhere.

So that's pretty much it! I'll do some separate posts related to my upcoming expenses just to keep myself in the loop and on the straight and narrow.