Old lady - dementia or just awkward?

downshifter · 17 April 2018 at 6:58PM

Dear all

I'm asking about a friend's situation with her grandmother. This lady is 90 and lives on her own. She's physically strong, and manages at home fine. However to me she's showing signs of dementia/Alzheimers. A relative of mine had this for a few years before his death and the symptoms are exactly the same - accusing people of stealing her money, telling everyone that nobody ever visits her and so on - perpetually angry and paranoid. However when she's bees assessed she always seems to turn on her sensible head and smiles at the medical staff, answers all questions well enough and so on. They all think she's lovely and wonderful. To her own family though she's horrible - her own grandchildren/great grandchildren will only visit her under duress and only one of her own children will have anything to do with her now. As an example she says that she isn't included in family birthdays (she's always invited but refuses to go so they go round with cake etc). She then says the cake is horrible, put it in the bin, why do you bother bringing me such rubbish and so on. All very familiar to me.

I suggested they could maybe try another assessment so that more help might be forthcoming but they're all convinced she's just pretending and play acting but it's dividing the family and she's managing to set them against each other. They say she's always been like that since a young woman, bitter and unloving, and doesn't know how to behave any differently now.

My friend has been unburdening herself with all this today but I don't really know what to suggest or what help might be out there. At the moment only she and her aunt has anything to do with the grandmother. My friend walked 3 miles in snow to get to her a few weeks ago, as she said her heating was broken (she had turned it off) only to be met with a torrent of abuse and even she, the kindest soul ever, is beginning to feel she can't take much more.

Can anyone give me any pointers towards help that I can pass on to my friend?

Thanks

DS

Detroit · 17 April 2018 at 7:11PM

If the tests are saying she's fine, she may well be.

However, she may be depressed, lonely, full of aches and pains, feel she's had enough of life, and taking it out on those closest to her.

Or she may just be a nasty piece of work whose reached an age where she feels she doesn't have to pretend anymore.

Not sure there's much anyone can do. At least given her age it won't go on much longer, and it sounds as though there's a few relatives to share the burden.

If it gets too much for your friend there's no law saying she has to keep in touch.

newmee · 17 April 2018 at 7:14PM

doesn't sound like dementia to me especially as she has always been like that. Just cos she's old doesn't mean she is nic e. Sounds like a horrible woman to me. Feel sorry for your friend

Savvy_Sue · 17 April 2018 at 7:17PM

There's an Alzheimer's Society which your friend might find useful.

dawyldthing · 17 April 2018 at 8:05PM

Id still pop in once a fortnight if they are local but if it's becoming a headache then I'd stick to drop in sessions. If they aren't wandering about or anything and are mainly just being rude, sadly it's how some folk are, so it's either put up with it or just pop in every now and again to check they are ok. I wouldn't cut all ties though as we only have one set of grand parents

Fireflyaway · 17 April 2018 at 8:17PM

You say she has always been that way. Sometimes older people do become more impatient and intolerant so maybe the behaviour that she has always displayed is just magnified because of that. Age is no excuse to be rude! Do the family members challenge her about her rudeness? How does she react?
The accusing people of stealing seems odd. Not sure why anyone would make that up. We had a neighbour, very fit and agile but at around 92 he suddenly changed, became agitated and got the present and last muddled up. Forgetting his nan had died and crying when he found out or believing he was a firefighter and telling very detailed accounts of missions he had been on. He also started being too flirty around woman and a bit aggressive around men. Totally out of character, he was such a lovely gentlemen previously. The reason I say this is has this lady started acting out of character or convinced historical events are current?
I'm no expert but I'd say not much to be done unless she is a risk to herself. Visiting is probably not fun but necessary to ensure her safety.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 17 April 2018 at 10:22PM

If she's always been horrible I don't know why anybody would expect her to be any different just because she's got older!

System · 17 April 2018 at 10:24PM

Nope doesnt sound like dementia to me... just a bitter and twisted old woman.

LandyAndy · 18 April 2018 at 9:47AM

Fireflyaway wrote: »

The accusing people of stealing seems odd. Not sure why anyone would make that up. .

My grandmother was convinced someone was breaking in and stealing her whisky. :cool:

Robinette · 18 April 2018 at 10:06AM

Her behaviour sounds very much like that of my mother, who was diagnosed with dementia in 2008. We knew nothing about dementia at the time and just thought she was eccentric; for example, she would go out in the height of summer dressed inappropriately in a raincoat, boots and hat - and sunglasses!!

We later found out that she had been hammering on the village hairdresser's door at 2am demanding a haircut, washing her car in the dark at a similar time, and sweeping her dog outside with a broom! It may be worth speaking to her neighbours to see whether they have noticed any strange behaviour - mum's neighbours also thought she was eccentric and didn't mention anything to us.

The Talking Point forum from the Alzheimer's Society is a great resource.

marliepanda · 18 April 2018 at 11:00AM

Robinette wrote: »

Her behaviour sounds very much like that of my mother, who was diagnosed with dementia in 2008. We knew nothing about dementia at the time and just thought she was eccentric; for example, she would go out in the height of summer dressed inappropriately in a raincoat, boots and hat - and sunglasses!!

We later found out that she had been hammering on the village hairdresser's door at 2am demanding a haircut, washing her car in the dark at a similar time, and sweeping her dog outside with a broom! It may be worth speaking to her neighbours to see whether they have noticed any strange behaviour - mum's neighbours also thought she was eccentric and didn't mention anything to us.

The Talking Point forum from the Alzheimer's Society is a great resource.

All of your mothers behaviours are odd and showing that she doesnt quite understand the world around her anymore, such as the hammering at 2am. (My grandad was similar, often appeared to be drunk as he was so disorientated, answered the door half dressed, poo'd in the wardrobe...)

The OP describes a lady who has 'always been bitter and unloving' and is now, erm, bitter and unloving.

The fact she can 'play nice' for medical professionals would not be a sign of someone experiencing dementia. I don't see anything in the OP that suggests dementia, there's no change to her patterns of behaviour, no out of character happening, no dangerous behaviour. Just an old woman being a bint.

Old lady - dementia or just awkward?

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