Co-habiting couples warned of "common law marriage" myth

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  • svain wrote: »
    i have couple of step-kids from my late wife. I was asked back in the day whether we were planning to have more kids in the future .... but never in my life (im mid-40's) been asked "when" am i having children ..... I mix with all sorts of people socially and thru work and have never heard that question asked in that way.

    It tends to be women who have that sort of pressure rather than their husbands.
  • getmore4less
    getmore4less Posts: 46,882
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    Izadora wrote: »

    It's not just a few people though. It's something that I have been asked so, so many times by so many different people over the past few years and there really is no easy way to respond.

    I've tried being direct and telling people it's none of their business, they cop the hump and tell ME that I'M being rude...

    I've tried "When we're ready" and been lectured on how I'm "not getting any younger" and really should think about it sooner rather than later.

    I've told people that we've been trying and it's just not happening and then have to deal with the pity-face "so, any luck?" follow-up questions and lectures about how I should/shouldn't be eating this, doing that etc.

    It is constant and relentless and there is absolutely nothing that I've found which will make people stop.

    Tell them kids destroy your life and use up all your money, then book another holiday.
  • I agree that marriage is a contract and we shouldn't muddy the waters by applying marriage or civil partnership rights to cohabiting couples. Make it official if you want the protection marriage provides.

    I am married and I have no issue sharing my wealth with my husband and vice versa. I would however be unlikely to marry again unless any new partner brought to the table a similar amount financially. I want to protect what I've worked hard for which is why we should have a choice as adults to make that level of commitment in an official capacity.

    In terms of equality, in my experience there is an expectation that women conform in a certain way once they've had children. We're vilified if we work full time and if we don't work at all. Part time work is more acceptable but in most cases affects career development. I would never have had children outside of marriage, all be it my own financial contribution has not been affected by kids. The effort to do it all (maintain a full time career whilst having the flexibility to manage all the childcare, including working flexibly enough to drop off/collect the kids from school two days a week and do the majority of the housework) has definitely taken its toll on my health...and yes I know I'm a mug. I know several mugs of both sees though that appear to do far more than their fair share.
  • Izadora
    Izadora Posts: 2,047
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    Malthusian wrote: »
    Why do you feel the need to keep the company of complete nobends?

    I don't but unfortunately don't get to choose my colleagues. And before someone suggests changing jobs, it's happened to too many of my friends in different offices for me to think that would make the slightest bit of difference.
    Tell them kids destroy your life and use up all your money, then book another holiday.

    I might have to steal that :D
  • Izadora wrote: »
    I don't but unfortunately don't get to choose my colleagues. And before someone suggests changing jobs, it's happened to too many of my friends in different offices for me to think that would make the slightest bit of difference.
    You don't get it in a company full of computer nerds in my experience. If you're not actually a computer nerd yourself, that probably won't help much though!

    It's actually made for some odd conversations with my mother where I'll mention something someone at work has said and she'll ask me something else about them which I won't be able to answer even though I've known them for years, as I simply haven't asked. She finds this incomprehensible - I'll say I'm not nosy and if they want to volunteer the information then that's fine but otherwise I won't ask about their private life, she'll say I should be "taking an interest in people".

    Suffice to say I'd never tell someone they were getting on a bit and need to be making babies!
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • Gloomendoom
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    We must move in really differnt circles then. My friends are mostly engineers, scientists, programmers, that sort of thing (there's a university professor and a doctor amongst them as well, to get the public sector quotient up). Colleagues are all programmers like me.

    I'm not sure university professors count as public sector, or any university employee for that matter. The department I work in receives little or no direct funding from the public education purse.
    "When are you going to have children?" is a question that literally never gets asked, by women or men. Who asks it?

    When we first married, this question was relentlessly brought up by two of my wife's sisters. To the point that she felt quite pressured to conform. There was no pressure at all to conform by her colleagues. Paradoxically, academia is good career choice for women with children as the hours are very flexible, but the proportion of child free or single child women seems far higher than in other fields.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,493
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    Happier_Me wrote: »
    I agree that marriage is a contract and we shouldn't muddy the waters by applying marriage or civil partnership rights to cohabiting couples. Make it official if you want the protection marriage provides.


    I would have agreed with you completely on that but I'm wavering.


    There's been a lot in the media on this point this week. Today, for example, I read about someone who'd been given leave to appeal a decision that prevented her having a bereavement payout when her long term partner died as they weren't married. So it seems the establishment is questioning whether to recognise a cohabitee. However, on the other hand, the benefit system does take account of a live in partner whether married or not. It seems the whole thing is a construct of government and has unfairness and illogicality built in.


    Food for thought.:)
  • I know two close friends, both women who have become unstuck by not being married.
    One the father of her children died, the children were still at home, but they had to sell the home and move into rented. I always regret when he was ill not telling her to get married quickly as it would have avoided a lot of stress an worry.
    The other had been in a relationship for over 20years, he literally took everything from her, she had worked for him, looked after their children etc.
    Marriage is a contract, you know exactly what you are entitled to. Unfortunately for all my women friends who have divorced it is the men that hide assets.


    I have worked in some capacity most of my married life, we decided before we got married that he would always earn more than me so I had to be flexible, cashed in my pension when we were hard up, up sticks when needed. After 40 years we have amassed assets we have both worked for, but even if it was less than that, if you look on a marriage/civil partnership as a small business with two partners who have different roles and responsibilities, if its a financial success both should get the rewards.
    We have made our wills and my children get my assets, been there when the new partners children get the lot. Not bitter just wiser than my mother.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,077
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    I have worked in some capacity most of my married life, we decided before we got married that he would always earn more than me so I had to be flexible, cashed in my pension when we were hard up, up sticks when needed. After 40 years we have amassed assets we have both worked for, but even if it was less than that, if you look on a marriage/civil partnership as a small business with two partners who have different roles and responsibilities, if its a financial success both should get the rewards.
    We have made our wills and my children get my assets, been there when the new partners children get the lot. Not bitter just wiser than my mother.

    So sad when it comes down to money though... sad but very understandable.
  • Gloomendoom
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    maman wrote: »
    on the other hand, the benefit system does take account of a live in partner whether married or not. It seems the whole thing is a construct of government and has unfairness and illogicality built in.

    There is an easy way to remove the unfairness and illogicality; remove the benefit entitlement of unmarried live-in partners.

    Then sit back and marvel at the length of the queues outside registry offices up and down the land.
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