What would you do?

Clouds88 · 20 August 2019 at 9:49PM

So if I see it from this side of things... this debt was from before he stopped gambling and the things he has done to make sure he had
Money to gamble is disgusting I was close to walking away last time he spent the money from my Gramps but then he was going to kill himself and we had to get the police involved as he felt he had massively let me down. So I said one last chance go to GA ect which he has and he hasn’t gambled ( well as far as I can tell)

So, it was looking fine we had savings, I started my blog again and then this. He said he didn’t tell me as he was trying to sort it without involving me. If anything else new comes up I would leave in a heart beat but as this was pre him changing in half, just stay, Ride it out, see if he is serious and half !!!! it I’ll move up north I don’t care.my girls are my absolute world asides from work we are never apart but my eldest is going into year 5 and has friends ect here so it’s uprooting her too and leaving agood job, agood pension. It’s so hard.

thorsoak · 20 August 2019 at 10:00PM

Clouds88 wrote: »

So if I see it from this side of things... this debt was from before he stopped gambling and the things he has done to make sure he had
Money to gamble is disgusting I was close to walking away last time he spent the money from my Gramps but then he was going to kill himself and we had to get the police involved as he felt he had massively let me down. So I said one last chance go to GA ect which he has and he hasn’t gambled ( well as far as I can tell)

So, it was looking fine we had savings, I started my blog again and then this. He said he didn’t tell me as he was trying to sort it without involving me. If anything else new comes up I would leave in a heart beat but as this was pre him changing in half, just stay, Ride it out, see if he is serious and half !!!! it I’ll move up north I don’t care.my girls are my absolute world asides from work we are never apart but my eldest is going into year 5 and has friends ect here so it’s uprooting her too and leaving agood job, agood pension. It’s so hard.

Have you heard the saying "cheat me once, shame on you, cheat me twice, three times, shame on me"? That is what he is doing - would you really trust him again? If a friend told you what you have told us - what advice would you be giving her?

Your eldest is going into year 5, she will settle again before going into senior school, she will make new friends. You needn't leave a good job and pension - talk to your boss to see if you can make a transfer - and if not, you will find a new - equally good job. If you attempt to "ride it out", he will drag you down further, eventually debt, possibly leaving your home - and as for the uncertainty - do you want that? Do you need it?

But you will do what you want, despite our advice - so sad.

unholyangel · 20 August 2019 at 11:03PM

Clouds88 wrote: »

So if I see it from this side of things... this debt was from before he stopped gambling and the things he has done to make sure he had
Money to gamble is disgusting I was close to walking away last time he spent the money from my Gramps but then he was going to kill himself and we had to get the police involved as he felt he had massively let me down. So I said one last chance go to GA ect which he has and he hasn’t gambled ( well as far as I can tell)

So, it was looking fine we had savings, I started my blog again and then this. He said he didn’t tell me as he was trying to sort it without involving me. If anything else new comes up I would leave in a heart beat but as this was pre him changing in half, just stay, Ride it out, see if he is serious and half !!!! it I’ll move up north I don’t care.my girls are my absolute world asides from work we are never apart but my eldest is going into year 5 and has friends ect here so it’s uprooting her too and leaving agood job, agood pension. It’s so hard.

imo the time he should've told you about that borrowed money was when it all came to a head previously, particularly when he was caught stealing to try fund his habit. I'd have been more forgiving if he had told you freely and not under apparent loan shark threat.

How many times has he willingly volunteered his borrowing/gambling problems to you unless circumstances (whether because someone else would tell you or because he needed bailed out by you) made it necessary? That, to me, is how you tell when an addict is feeding you a story. If they tell you something followed by a request for money.

You have my empathy. It's bound to be stressful for you as you don't have a partner to help shoulder this burden, you have one causing it so are effectively dealing with it alone.

Fire_Fox · 20 August 2019 at 11:31PM

Clouds88 wrote: »

It’s so hard, being a third person on a situation it’s easy to say ‘I would walk’ but it’s so much harder when your in the thick of it. Thanks for your opinions though.

Then take the advice of the experts, the professionals and the passionate people who work - paid or unpaid - in the charitable or voluntary sector. Many of them have walked many miles in your shoes or in his shoes.

They will call him out on his lies or support him as he engages with them. Give you the confidence to stop enabling him. Give you what you need practically and emotionally so you actually have choices.

Clouds88 wrote: »

I gave him £600 as he said that will do, he showed me the messages from the loan shark. It’s someone he used to be ‘friends’ with, he won’t give me a name. He said hes not going to police or he’ll get killed. Asides from this he hasn’t done anything for a month and he said because this was from debt owed in April (again I saw the messages when he borrowed it) but doesn’t make it any better. I am thkining of the worst, but I don’t know if I should get out now or wait and see if what he’s saying really is true. He’s gets paid mid September so I’ll be having his full wage and giving him an allowance to get to work ect if I stay.
.

Liar liar pants on fire. :mad:

This man's addiction is so deeply entrenched that he has stolen from acquaintances, tried to defraud a major financial institution, defrauded a stranger online, committed elder abuse (lied not borrowed) .....

He has let you bribe people not to report his theft to the Police, hidden behind your skirts with the Small Claims Action (fraud not debt), frightened manipulated and coerced you into giving him a wodge of lovely lolly ..... domestic abuse. ((((Hugs))))

These are not desperate impulsive behaviours, or (so-called) victimless crimes. It has nothing to do with clinical depression, he is not going to kill himself and he has already done something very stupid indeed.

Clouds88 · 21 August 2019 at 12:07AM

This is what I’ve said to him tonight all of this and he has basically said he is ashamed of what he has done and as a gambler, and I’ve read a lot online, they don’t seem to care where the money is from it is like being drug addiction or who they hurt.

I’ve spoken to gam anon and he is blocked online and they say make sure we are financially separate which we are. And to support him If that’s what I’m going to do. He hasn’t done anything for 4 weeks now and he’s feeling more positive and not suicidal.

I think if I am going to leave him I am going to wait for him to be paid and give me back some money. It is going to be hard for me to trust him again, if ever. I am so very annoyed at him and I will remain in the kids room with my babies for now. I hardly have to see him as his new job is full time and labour intensive so he’s feeling knackered when he has a day off so I’m basically on my own with him ‘around’ atm. The one thing that bothered me is the loan shark thing but he assures me ‘it’s sorted’ now. 🤷🏼!♀️ Thank you for all your input I am not going to ignore advice as such, just want to make sure I’m making the right decision. I’ve got a week annual leave coming up so I think I will leave him the car for work and go away with the girls on my own for a few days.

gettingtheresometime · 21 August 2019 at 12:15AM

Do you have a joint mortgage because if you are then you're financial linked to him.

Personally I'd prepare a grab bag for you & your children whilst squirrelling away an emergency fund that he doesn't know about.

If you don't need them great but if you do then they're there.

Clouds88 · 21 August 2019 at 12:26AM

No we rent, but I’ve been previously BR (discharged this May) so I won’t be able to private rent, another obstacle to face.

That’s good advice thank you, I’ll do just that. I will make sure I have some savings separate, all of the money we get comes to me and I give him money for things so I’ll create another savings account just incase he asks to see our savings pot (I’m sure he won’t).

Fire_Fox · 21 August 2019 at 2:38AM

Clouds88 wrote: »

This is what I’ve said to him tonight all of this and he has basically said he is ashamed of what he has done and as a gambler, and I’ve read a lot online, they don’t seem to care where the money is from it is like being drug addiction or who they hurt.

I’ve spoken to gam anon and he is blocked online and they say make sure we are financially separate which we are. And to support him If that’s what I’m going to do. He hasn’t done anything for 4 weeks now and he’s feeling more positive and not suicidal ...

I hardly have to see him as his new job is full time and labour intensive so he’s feeling knackered when he has a day off so I’m basically on my own with him ‘around’ atm.

You are not financially separate. You literally just gave him £600 in cash! On top of his 'pocket money', and on top of paying off everyone he has scammed over recent months.

Feeling more positive since ..... yesterday? Not suicidal since ..... he got a £600 cash windfall?

He has continued to lie, manipulate, coerce, financially and emotionally abuse you. Not the actions of an addict in recovery. Not someone genuinely engaging with the GA programme.

Clouds88 wrote: »

Thank you for all your input I am not going to ignore advice as such, just want to make sure I’m making the right decision. I’ve got a week annual leave coming up so I think I will leave him the car for work and go away with the girls on my own for a few days.

If you have not already can I suggest you security mark all electronic items in the house car garage or shed, kids bicycles or anything that can get mysteriously 'broken', lost, 'stolen' or sold? Take any sentimental jewellery or babies keepsakes away with you, back-up digital photographs .....

swingaloo · 21 August 2019 at 9:23AM

I wouldn't leave him with the car for a week. It will probably be 'Stolen' while you are away.

paddy's_mum · 21 August 2019 at 10:36AM

A marked item being 'stolen' might be the final straw that shows OP the way forward and in that sense, it becomes a very valuable loss.

Personally, I would be heading for the hills if only to keep my children safe because, clearly, their father doesn't care what risks he is taking with their welfare and they NEED more protection than they are currently getting.

I wish you luck and a happier future.

What would you do?

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free