How do you cope with loneliness?

Newbie_Ginnings wrote: »

Is there anyone who doesn’t have a family or anyone they “belong” to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and I’m really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I haven’t spoken since my mum’s death, and my daughter doesn’t want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I don’t have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and don’t always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isn’t really the meeting people I am struggling with, it’s not having a family or anybody that I “belong” to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they aren’t interested and I can’t face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. I’m in my 40’s and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I won’t wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum – she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
X

I understand this, I really do. Back in the dim and distant past, it took just ten weeks for my life to completely unravel. I lost my partner, my friends, my home; even my job changed and I was relocated to a different department, in a different building. The loneliness and the sense of failure and exclusion that came with all of that was horrendous. The turning point came when I was visiting another office, and nipped to the loo; as I was going in, I stepped out of the way to let a miserable old bag out: the miserable old bag was me, and I was looking in a mirror. I knew at that moment that things had to change.

1) I found someone to talk to. In an ideal world, I should have gone to a councillor, and if I was ever in that state again, I wouldn't hesitate. I was lucky and had a friend who listened for hours, and helped me to make some sort of sense of the things that had happened. The people on this forum are pretty amazing too, and after the help I've received over the last few weeks, I'd recommend them.
2) I had a make-over. I'd never really paid that much attention to myself; as long I was clean, tidy and presentable, I was happy enough. I changed my hair colour and style, had a manicure, and took advice over buying new clothes; I'd lost so much weight, I had to buy new clothes and I had no idea what suited me. I also had a make up lesson. It helped with confidence issues.
3) I built in time just for me. I would switch my phone off, run a bubble bath, and lie in the bath reading a series of books that I could just get myself lost in.
4) I joined an exercise class instead of the gym. I was rubbish, had no coordination and wore all the wrong things, but I met a great group of women, who became my social life and a type of family. There were quite a few who were in the same boat as me, and they gave me a sense of belonging, which had been missing. Many are still good friends now.
5) I joined a night school class. At the time, it wasn't the right thing for me, and I struggled with it, but I'm still glad that I went. It gave me structure, and it got me out of the house.
6) I found a hobby, which I loved, and spent as much time doing it as I could afford.
7) Cut out the dead wood. This was hard. I looked at my original circle of friends, and how they had treated me when things were really bad. If there were trust issues, I got rid. If they'd lied to me, I got rid. If it was all one-sided, with no give and take at all, I got rid.
8) I chose to be happy. I can't say that I didn't get down or that I didn't struggle, because I did, but I used to put a limit on it. I'd have half an hour of giving in to being miserable, but then I'd make myself move on; I'd go for a walk, a drive with music blasting, or a swim. I'd bake a cake, beating the mixture with a wooden spoon, rather than a mixer. I'd clean the car. I'd clean the windows. I do anything rather than dwell on what had happened.
9) I accepted that you can't make people behave as you want them to. Sometimes you have to step back and give it time. Sometimes it comes right, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you just have to let go and move on.

There were no quick fixes in the above, and it's a question of finding what works for you and giving it time. Even if you look at the list and think 'none of them are right for me' you've made progress, as you've ruled things out.

Good luck and try to be as positive as you can!

What a positive useful post from JayJay - hope it helps Newbie Ginnings.

Hi,


I have a partner but no other family that we see.

BBH123 wrote: »

I think there are an awful lot more people in OP's situation than we realise, relationships these days are so fragile.

Starrystarrynight1 wrote: »

There was a long period when I felt very lonely, even though I was still in contact with my family and saw them most weeks. I've never really had lots of friends either so never went 'out' much.

red_devil wrote: »

loneliness is spoken a lot about in the media but its mainly older people.

All absolutely spot on. I always thought loneliness was something that only hit older people; it was one hell of a shock to be stood in a pub, on New Year's Eve, surrounded by people having fun, and not understanding why I felt so dreadful; it was loneliness. I wasn't even 30 at that point. My niece is only 17, and has quite a few problems on the go, some of which are connected to loneliness; she got herself involved with a crowd and did a few stupid things, because she was lonely and wanted to be accepted by the 'in' crowd.

I don't think it's only down to having people around, it's having the right people around; the people who get you, and have the ability to make things seem and feel better. It's finding those people, that can be so difficult.